Suzy-Q, you got it:
We have been learning together which behaviour are AS and to be honest there are loads. I think he might be getting overloaded with the daily scrutinising of himself. It is the main topic of our conversation. I need to learn not to point out what behaviour is different, even in a caring gentle way, as he can get down and think that he is a complete failure.
Learning together and understanding how the other person thinks and feels is what marriage is all about, no matter what type of unexpected, undeserved challenges are thrust between you. It's quite a journey but once you put it in perspective, it can be a lot of fun. Since my husband is the spouse of a newly diagnosised Aspy, I asked him what you should do first. He said "Pour yourself a frosty mug of GV diet cream soda" and a list of other things which condense to making sure you fortify yourself with whatever relaxes you from your favorite beverage to a satisfying hobby. Take care of yourself and don't dwell, obsess, freak out or otherwise up your stress level pouring too much time and energy into dealing with this one subject. My husband bought me a Tshirt that says "I'm not rude, I have Aspergers. What's your excuse?" The other day I went all Aspy on him over this trivial little thing. He gave me some space and we had a good laugh about it later. It went like this: For years I have been mixing Cran-grape AND Cran-cherry in a big jug and drinking a glass twice a day. He pours it in the mornings. That morning he asked if I wanted Cran-grape OR Cran-cherry. The question didn't make any sense to me and all I could do was stare at him. My brain could not process the multiple choice question where the answer was not one of the choices. The answer was both, of course, but what really threw me was why he broke pattern by asking which one I wanted instead of giving me both mixed together like usual.
From an Aspy's point of view: At first, it was a big relief to find out WHY all the bad stuff in my past had happened. After the big AHHA! moment, then the grief set in. My entire life had been taken away - cancelled out - wasted on doing the right thing which turned out to be the wrong thing. If only I had known! Everyone grieves in their own way and you just got to hang in there. An Asperger's diagnosis can be overwhelming, more so than blindness or deafness or losing a limb, as it's not just a body part that is lost. It's your entire self, your whole identity. Technically, everything is the same as before the label was applied and yet everything is just the opposite of what you thought is was. You are a totally different person than you have known all your life. It's like waking up in a strange new world where you are the alien life form and your entire life was just a nightmare fantasy. I worked so hard all those years, always being honest and decent and kind, etc. always doing the right thing. Then to find out everybody hated and abandoned me because I strived to be a great person instead of a normal mediocre generic acceptable person. If I had known why I was being excluded when I was little, I might have been able to learn to mimic socially acceptable behaviour or recognize and avoid no win situations. Instead I succeeded in following all the rules but always failed because I'd been given the wrong set of rules. This late in life, one doesn't get a redo.
The upside to being permanently shut out of my career and family is that I don't have to deal with the people who never wanted or cared about me in the first place. Instead of struggling to be accepted by people who weren't willing to get to know me or let me contribute what I am good at be who i am, I can spend what's left of my time doing things I enjoy with a better class of people.
