Recognizing a cold shoulder

[Kathos]

Does anyone else have trouble recognizing when someone is upset with them? I might notice cold body language and expressions but often chalk it up to the person is busy, isn't in the mood to chat or has to be somewhere. I know I can appear that way often so I do not take offense if someone does it to me.

However, an old friend/acquaintance has not been so friendly for quite a while. She hasn't approached me about it, but, I think I know why. Her husband is a kung-fu coach and while my son was in his class he pushed my son to the ground out of frustration - my son was 5 at the time (he has co-ordination issues). Their explanation was that it is tough and my son has to learn to take it so he'll be stronger in the end. I was livid and I don't agree especially when applied to a child who already has physical issues, so I pulled him out of the program. I didn't hold it against my friend personally though and we remained friends. After all, aside from that incident they're always kind, caring and look out for my son.

However, I did mention that experience to other parents at our school who didn't know my friend personally, but it was in the context of my son having physical challenges that were not handled well. I didn't mean to divulge my friends kung-fu studio but when pressed it slipped. I'm pretty sure word got around. Anyhow, it's taken me a long time to get here, but I can understand how she would be upset if it's affected her business.

Normally I would just let this go and lose another friend, but, perhaps there's something that I'm suppose to do that my aspie side doesn't get? Regardless of what happens do I owe her an apology or raise the issue? Is it worth bringing up and what should I expect as her response? Or should I just ignore her whenever I see her???

 

[Ang]

I mean based on what you said she's probably mad at you.. she may have wanted you to speak to her and her husband about it while pulling the kid out of the school, but of course keep it personal. She probably feels as though you purposefully disrespected her and knowingly crossed a line that allowed the school to get a bad rep. Tbh unless you made a huge deal out of the issue and it lead to a boycott, Im sure they didnt lose that much business. However.... It was thr principle that when you have a friend you usually keep certain things between you and them.. unless of course they are running their mouths to everyone else.. In a situation like that her and her husband should have talked it over with you and issued an apology .. even though in a way they are right about martial arts being about discipline, but if yourson had coordination problems the discipline shouldnt have been that harsh.

What happened with you speaking to the other parents is said and done. Although, I wouldnt doubt if she didnt even get wind of that , and is just mad that you pulled him out of the program in the first place.

At anyrate..I hate to say it but in a situation like that you either have to let it ride out, or speak with her and be prepared for a large confrontation. If you want to try something else try giving her the cold shoulder back. Be visable about it so that she sees its not just your normal self. People are childish. I know that is ironic because what I am proposing is childish, but its my experience that people who give the cold shoulder fall down on their knees and beg like pathetic dogs when the cold shoulder is given back to them. As they are in the mode of desperation, confrontation may be watered down because of their seeking of mercy. Seems harsh but if you honestly do want your friend back try that.

 

[BirdHeart]

Does anyone else have trouble recognizing when someone is upset with them? I might notice cold body language and expressions but often chalk it up to the person is busy, isn't in the mood to chat or has to be somewhere. I know I can appear that way often so I do not take offense if someone does it to me.

However, an old friend/acquaintance has not been so friendly for quite a while. She hasn't approached me about it, but, I think I know why. Her husband is a kung-fu coach and while my son was in his class he pushed my son to the ground out of frustration - my son was 5 at the time (he has co-ordination issues). Their explanation was that it is tough and my son has to learn to take it so he'll be stronger in the end. I was livid and I don't agree especially when applied to a child who already has physical issues, so I pulled him out of the program. I didn't hold it against my friend personally though and we remained friends. After all, aside from that incident they're always kind, caring and look out for my son.

However, I did mention that experience to other parents at our school who didn't know my friend personally, but it was in the context of my son having physical challenges that were not handled well. I didn't mean to divulge my friends kung-fu studio but when pressed it slipped. I'm pretty sure word got around. Anyhow, it's taken me a long time to get here, but I can understand how she would be upset if it's affected her business.

Normally I would just let this go and lose another friend, but, perhaps there's something that I'm suppose to do that my aspie side doesn't get? Regardless of what happens do I owe her an apology or raise the issue? Is it worth bringing up and what should I expect as her response? Or should I just ignore her whenever I see her???

Yes I would be livid too. Did they apologise? If not, they dont care about your son. I find many NT's to be emotionally brutal, just by their normal way of being, but some NT's can be sensitive and caring to other people.

The thing is if they cared about their business, they would care about the people that use what they provide wouldn't they? this is my sense of logic that the normal world doesn't respect. If they were genuinely sorry, then you would have not been speaking about it still, you would have moved on.

Friends are not worth compromising your values to, and especially if it involves your child, this person is not a friend.

There is a martial art called Aikido, it's non-aggressive, purely defensive, and uses the opponents energy to get them to the floor. I used to do this and there was a small female in the class who could bring the sensei down- he was about very tall and heavy built. It's friendlier than the other martial arts (nice people there) and just as effective for small weak people to be able to defend themselves with- worth travelling to a good dojo if you can.

 

[Suzanne]

I have trouble with this, because you say that at all times, they have shown nothing but a gentle and understanding nature with your son and I wonder, if that is around you, and guess it must be, for you to know this and yet, this time that you are not around, the cruelty starts. Which tells me that it was a pretense with you and thus, not a real friend at all.

However and I have had to learn this myself, talking about it, would be seen as gossip.

Personally I would not want to be friends with someone, who thinks it is ok to bully a child.

 

[Progster]

Does anyone else have trouble recognizing when someone is upset with them?

According to my mum and other people, yes, I do have this issue, I don't pick up on people's moods. Also, people misinterpret my body language and accuse me of all sorts of things I didn't do intentionally.

 

[pjcnet]

Yes, it's a major problem I've had throughout my life, but in some ways it's been even worse as an adult because more adults seem to hide it when they're annoyed or upset, and I can often only tell if it's blatantly obvious or I'm told directly. At work I've had numerous people upset with me and I could never understand why, apparently sometimes it was something I said, but no-one would ever explain to me. I remember a few years ago I went for a drink with someone I knew and another person (I don't drink alcohol any more, but I've never been an alcoholic), I was talking when he politely excused himself and then didn't come back. I wondered where he'd gone, but I didn't realise there was any issue what-so-ever with myself until the next day when he wouldn't talk to me and I was told he was really upset because of something I apparently did or said, but to this day I honestly don't know what I did wrong, all I would get out of people was complete b**ls**t and hostility telling me that of course I know what I did and how could I? I even had a friend of his threaten me over it and he flat out refused to believe I didn't understand what I'd done no matter what I said, even telling him I had autism had no impact, this is the kind of s**t I get and people wonder why I don't want to socialise.

The above are just a couple of examples and this kind of thing that keeps happening. NTs usually make absolutely no allowances what-so-ever for my autistic condition which is causing it and it's extremely wrong and unfair, if I was in a wheelchair no-one would punish me for not being able to stand, yet I'm always being punished for being on the autistic spectrum in this and other ways too, another is my lack of being able to say no to people which can sometimes get me into trouble and taken advantage of, but I often don't see it until it's too late and again I'm the one punished for my condition where no-one ever understands or seems to believe what I say. I am sick and tired of it, in fact sometimes I feel persecuted for having an autistic condition.

I'm sorry since I can't fathom out this issue I'd be the last person who could advise on how to deal with it, but I wish you the best of luck and I'll be interested in other responses.

 

[BirdHeart]

According to my mum and other people, yes, I do have this issue, I don't pick up on people's moods. Also, people misinterpret my body language and accuse me of all sorts of things I didn't do intentionally.

Although I do 'pick up' on peoples moods- get swamped by them, like they Take me over. I have the same thing with people thinking I have said something completely different from what I have said- very plainly to my mind- and I think 'how can they possibly misinterpret it'? It's very odd, but bearing in mind that people are continuosly making assumptions on their beliefs and opinions, and prejudices and also things they want to hide about themselves............... it gets complicated

 

[BirdHeart]

Yes, it's a major problem I've had throughout my life, but in some ways it's been even worse as an adult because more adults seem to hide it when they're annoyed or upset, and I can often only tell if it's blatantly obvious or I'm told directly. At work I've had numerous people upset with me and I could never understand why, apparently sometimes it was something I said, but no-one would ever explain to me. I remember a few years ago I went for a drink with someone I knew and another person (I don't drink alcohol any more, but I've never been an alcoholic), I was talking when he politely excused himself and then didn't come back. I wondered where he'd gone, but I didn't realise there was any issue what-so-ever with myself until the next day when he wouldn't talk to me and I was told he was really upset because of something I apparently did or said, but to this day I honestly don't know what I did wrong, all I would get out of people was complete b**ls**t and hostility telling me that of course I know what I did and how could I? I even had a friend of his threaten me over it and he flat out refused to believe I didn't understand what I'd done no matter what I said, even telling him I had autism had no impact, this is the kind of s**t I get and people wonder why I don't want to socialise.

The above are just a couple of examples and this kind of thing that keeps happening. NTs usually make absolutely no allowances what-so-ever for my autistic condition which is causing it and it's extremely wrong and unfair, if I was in a wheelchair no-one would punish me for not being able to stand, yet I'm always being punished for being on the autistic spectrum in this and other ways too, another is my lack of being able to say no to people which can sometimes get me into trouble and taken advantage of, but I often don't see it until it's too late and again I'm the one punished for my condition where no-one ever understands or seems to believe what I say. I am sick and tired of it, in fact sometimes I feel persecuted for having an autistic condition.

I'm sorry since I can't fathom out this issue I'd be the last person who could advise on how to deal with it, but I wish you the best of luck and I'll be interested in other responses.

EXACTLY.. you have just described my life. it's a minfield. I wonder why NT's cant stretch themselves to even being curious about Aspergers, but most are self-centred despite the supposedly 'nice manners'.

I thing it boils down to us "telling it like it is", that someone once commented, I thought 'well why wouldn't I tell it like it is. Brings to mind that film 'The life of PI', The guy was telling a distressing story in an 'appealing' way, supposedly, but it wasn't even in metaphors, it was completely ridiculous. I have written a realisation I had about the social code but want to post it as a new thread- cant work out how to do it- I'm the only non- 'computer easy' Aspie I expect.

But I'm fed up of the what I call 'sanctions' against me for nothing, and they will join a band wagon of lies and gossip, but never tell me what was said about me, also remeber most NT's have a serious truth avoidance habit, that is considered normal.

I think it's all truth avoidance, and inability of people to see themselves. But it could be a multi-tude of other crazy things.

 

[pjcnet]

I have written a realisation I had about the social code but want to post it as a new thread- cant work out how to do it- I'm the only non- 'computer easy' Aspie I expect.

Click Forums across the top menu, 2nd from the top left hand corner or alternatively click my link, click the section you wish to post your new thread in, E.g. General Autism Discussion and then you should see a "POST NEW THREAD" button in capitals on the right side, sometimes it can be a little way down the page after a list of sub forums, if there isn't any sub forums it will be towards the top right. Fill in the "Thread Title" and the content, tags are optional search words or short phrases that are separated by a comma if there's more than one, for instance if you wrote a thread about the social code you might want to add "social code" as a tag. Best of luck!

 

[SunnyDay16]

I usually can tell when someone's giving me the cold shoulder and I'll try once to ask them what I did to bother them, but if they refuse to talk to me about it then I'll give up. I don't have the time or energy to spend on people who want to hold grudges against me and refuse to communicate those grudges to me. It's immature and childish.

 

[Frostee]

I can usually tell by the amount of effort that is put into texting/initiating contact, so no, not particularly.