Rediscovering who you are

[Seaspenders]

Hello everyone,

It was only recently that I discovered that I am autistic. I used to feel so non-human and personally isolated my whole life. That I had to try and be what was expected. The town in which I grew up severely pushed that issue in an unspoken way as well. Non compliance to these unspoken expectations were met with ostracization and other psychological punishments that extended to the rest of the family.

This being the case I learned to mask from a very early age and to this day it is tough to distinguish between a mask and who I am. Last year I was asked "what makes you happy" and I didn't have a clue. It wasn't until now that I realized I don't believe I had offered myself the space to discover that for myself.

Recently a friend suggested that I "follow curiosity" to try and rediscover these aspects for myself.

Do any of you have a similar struggle and/or have any suggestions on how to move forward on this path?


Thank you

 

[VictorR]

Experimentation and exploration are great ways to try to find yourself, as long as you're not pushing yourself to do things that you don't want to do - then that's unhealthy.

So often we are pressured to confirm with whatever norms exist in the communities we are a part of, to the point where rather than being individuals, that we find ourselves as composites of the people we interact with. Not that there's anything wrong with that - as they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But in trying to fit in, we can mask too much, and that tends to lead to burnout and other issues.

Online communities are great in that we can find spaces where we can be more free to be ourselves, especially for those in smaller or more remote communities.

Each person is different, but I love to travel for a multitude of reasons, one of which is getting out of my comfort zone, but in a relatively safe way, and another being that if you make a faux pas, you tend to get some leeway since you're not "from there". I also love the planning aspect, and can really go into deep dives creating detailed itineraries. If money and some other barriers weren't there, I'd probably love to work as a tour guide and/or trip planner.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Recognize that you are a complete person with a unique way of looking at the world. Although you may be isolated, you do not say whether or not you feel lonely. I made peace with being alone and decided . . . dammit, if there was something I wanted to do, even something semi-social, like the theater, I would go and enjoy myself. Luckily I had interests that I fed, and enjoyed those. I would not talk a lot about them, but when activities with others intersected with the interests, I'd delight in them and sometimes the happiness spread. When I was breaking out of my isolation I joined activity or interest groups like Sierra Club outings. There interest and competence counted more than neurology and I met accepting people. Out of my cage I decided that I was an interesting person and gained confidence to practice skills that I had thought beyond me, like SCUBA or Whitewater open canoe (up to Class IV). That gave me confidence in myself and I started dating at 26. I liked who I was. That is what you should aim for. You cannot control what small minds think of you, but you can control what you think of yourself. That is the first step.

 

[Tom]

Its just an observation, but I think many on the spectrum struggle with other people's and group expectations.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Once you like yourself, get to a library and peruse specialty magazines to see what interests you. Get on Roadside America and see if there is something strange to call your own. You never know what will stick.

In 1976 I read in Natural History Magazine about the synchronized fireflies of Selangor Malaysia. That sat somewhere in my mind until 1997 when I visited friends working in Kuala Lumpur. I organized a trip to see the fireflies. It was not just astounding, it was magical, to see an entire black mangrove flash at once, but looking up or downstream, one sees waves of light traveling along the river. You never know what interest you may pursue, even far removed from the trigger.

 

[Outdated]

it is tough to distinguish between a mask and who I am.

For me this required time by myself, every time we meet other people the mask drops in to place automatically, getting some time without the mask is important.

Perhaps a holiday by yourself somewhere, somewhere remote where you can be completely alone for a bit.

 

[Rodafina]

Do any of you have a similar struggle

Oh yes.

Recently a friend suggested that I "follow curiosity" to try and rediscover these aspects for myself.

This is excellent advice!

have any suggestions on how to move forward on this path

Spend some time with us. It’s a pretty eclectic group here with a huge range of interests, but if you poke around the posts, maybe you’ll find some things that you resonate with or inspire you.

If you tell us a bit more about your curiosities, we may be able to guide you better. Are you interested in animals? Do you like art? There’s a politics section. There’s games, too. There’s a little bit of everything here… It’s like a smorgasbord of socializing.

 

[Knower of nothing]

Seconding the power of solitude. When there's no one watching you're only putting on an act to yourself meaning it can only take the form of your own wishes.

 

[Slime_Punk]

It might sound silly, but I don't think masking really obscures your 'true self', I think it's an extremely valuable skill that gets a lot of people ahead in life, if they're able to do it with some accuracy and not feel too drained afterward. Any skills that we acquire like that, IMO, just add new dimensions and revisions to who we are.

Obviously if you feel drained all the time because of it, or you feel that you can't keep it up anymore, that's a serious issue all in itself. But if you're working on self-discovery, I would bet that you can explore new passions in the midst of some controlled masking and have the best of both worlds.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

When I look back on my life, I see many of my deep interests were foiled by parents, school, location. I was discouraged from pursuing my interests.

I need a lot of alone time in order to feel myself. I like to be on the water in a canoe in a remote location where I can sort out the external.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

For myself, it was a process of taking a deep dive into "all things autism",...sort of became a special interest for me for a while. Then,...knowing that only some of these things applied to myself, personally,...I acquired a scientific understanding of what I was experiencing,...answering decades of questions. Accepting myself as not a failed neurotypical, but as an autistic, was an important step forward. Being self-aware and introspective was important. Learning to pause and take in perspective and context was important. Embracing my abilities and priding myself in the fact that I am NOT neurotypical was important. Understanding and accepting that I am not going to be understood by most people,...and just "rolling with the punches" because of it,...very important. Having a sense of humor about myself and being open with my autism sort of grounds me.

 

[Angular Chap]

I learned to mask from a very early age

Yes, I did as well.

have any suggestions on how to move forward on this path?

Follow your friends advice and follow curiosity. Discover your special interest and enjoy all the rewards that it will bring you.