Reeling from a break-up with a man with ASD, undiagnosed

[KMac]

Hello everyone. I have never been in a forum, which speaks to my need for a special kind of support I know I can only find among people who have experienced a neurodiverse relationship, and had it end. So, I'm hoping you're out there somewhere with words of wisdom, encouragement, solace - whatever you think might help.

I am 58 years old and met my now ex on an online dating site. He was kind, chivalrous, interesting, funny, but had a quirkiness that, while endearing, went a little beyond cute and into the realm of "he might be on the spectrum." I recognized it shortly after our lovely first date, as I have taught public school for over thirty years and have worked with many diagnosed children of all ages. There was a complete absence of flirtatious behavior, and virtually no touch at all outside of the bedroom. I asked him if me kissing and cuddling with him was uncomfortable for him and he said no, but never initiated it himself. His rigidity (an avid cyclist) was next level, and I believe his eating to be highly disordered as well. There was much with regard to courting and developing an intimate relationship that just seemed to not be on his radar. He often needed to spend days alone to recharge, and if he was in a social situation that was taxing him too much, I had to bear the brunt of some pretty serious melt-downs as soon as we were alone, as I do believe he felt understood and safe with me. While this was extremely challenging at times, I made a conscious choice and effort to understand his needs to regulate on his cycle, for hundreds of miles a week, to fast most of the day, often leaving us at the dinner table in restaurants with him drinking a diet pepsi while I ate, and perhaps most difficult of all, to suddenly back off from time to time with little or no explanation. Once, I was in Europe for a few weeks, and he called every day, sometimes twice a day, a sign, I assumed, that he was missing me. When I returned, I told him I was home, expecting a suggestion for a meet-up after our time apart, and he simply stopped communicating with me. Zero explanation. I reached out only a few times, not begging or pleading with insane behavior, but to tell him I was thinking of him. Nothing. Until three months later, when I had moved on and could breathe again. He resurfaced as though nothing had happened. We met for coffee. He apologized for "not having been there for me," and then proceeded to call, text, and ask me out all the time. Unbearably confusing, but I went for it. We had a wonderful several months after that and I felt as though he was really making an effort to be there for me. And then suddenly, it happened again, although my feelings for him were really intensifying and I was being a little more affectionate and intimate with my words, so perhaps that was what caused him to back away again. This time, he didn't just ghost, but said that he wanted to be friends, again stating that it was all hard for him and he didn't have the energy for it. I asked him what just friends would look like, and decided after getting together with him a couple of times as friends, I know I am far too much in love with him to be platonic. He was right, of course; I'd always want more. He could have done friends no problem; sometimes I think what he really ever wanted was a quasi-girlfriend; a faithful companion without all of the trappings of intimacy he finds so difficult. And the occasional sex. He never had any problems initiating that. In the end, my friends, I couldn't do it.

So, here I sit, typing away amidst the tears and anxiety, trying to move forward (we have been no contact for only a week - I asked him not to contact me and he's quite altruistic - I know he will comply, and let's face it - he broke up with me). I guess I just want to express how brutal this one is. At my age, I've suffered some pretty intense heartbreak. But never in my life have I worked so hard to show compassion and the understanding of someone's needs, often putting them before mine. Never before have I had the soul-connection I felt with him in spite of the lack of physical affection or verbal expressions of love. And yet I still didn't end up "getting the guy."

I know some will encourage me to go into why I worked so hard to love someone who couldn't love me back in certain ways; trust me - I have a great counselor and we are going there. And you'll ask why on Earth I got back with him after the 3 months of ghosting on his part. I know, I know. But he fed me in so many ways, and I loved him dearly. Obviously, I wasn't being honest when I told myself I knew what I was signing on for and could handle it. Actually, I think I could have and so wanted to try, but if only one of us wanted to do the work, it just wasn't ever going to happen. It just stings so badly to see him move on so easily - I see he has already been connecting with an ex-girlfriend daily on Strava (trying to stay out of that rabbit hole - trust me, but it's not easy). I suppose what I need most right now is understanding and encouragement to keep breathing and move on with dignity. This one did a number on me. Thanks so much for your time.

 

[All-Rounder]

In so many ways we share the same feelings and issues. For 13 years I have on and off felt the way of: And yet I still didn't end up "getting the guy."

It is very regretful and a lot more waste to grieve, all the effort lost. In many ways the loss of a lover is like a death, with a lot of complications and additional losses, all those feelings.

Sometimes we might feel like we'd give anything just to make it happen with that certain person. Love makes people crazy.

Having had my own experiences of different types of people that were unaffectionate, some narcissists, some autistic, I know just how destructive, confusing and draining such a relationship can be to the self. I'm autistic but I'm the most affectionate person I've met, though I do my best not to show it and have massively developed to be more independent with wisdom. I still have my days or periods.

Keep strong, coping with someone like that is impossible to some people and no matter how much we try to change and want it, it'll show in the end. You can't change yourself to such extents and it is better to accept that.

 

[All-Rounder]

It's immature on his part given his inability to maintain relationships that he's getting close to his exes because he also tends to so easily get back with them. He doesn't seem to be affected by the losses as much neither by staying away for 3 months, which is concerning, but whatever he has it's severe. Inability to connect, maybe disorganized attachment style, oscillating between extremes.

What Is Your Attachment Style? Attachment Theory, Explained | mindbodygreen

It is especially damaging to keep getting back with the same person, there are very valid reasons for a breakup and them to keep trying to come back and conquer us. It's so tempting it's irresistible but it's not productive and we're taken for granted.

 

[Aspychata]

You have to decide on whose terms you will do the relationship. If your terms aren't even being met half-way, then maybe you have to decide what's next.

Personally, l can sort bounce around with that relationship because l have anxious avoidant style anyways. Relationships stress me out, and they can stress out some men on the spectrum. I am plainly overwhelmed with my emotions and l have slowly learned to pull back but it took some time on my part. I now have boundaries, like l limit phone and time spent together because the other person on the spectrum can't truly commit for whatever the reasons are. Those are my boundaries.

Some men prefer distance to keep the relationship new and engaging, l actually understand that. Perhaps he just likes the newness of you and him.

A gentle talk together about this on again off again may give you more clarity and understanding.
Just a suggestion.

I refuse to blame anybody in relationships, l just don't like lovebombing which tends to be demeaning. Like when he gets together with you, he is dropping fake hints about getting serious then drops off the edge of the earth for three months. And doesn't answer phone calls. Sometimes men on the spectrum feel boxed in , (just like females), and they freeze up because they are afraid that you will demand something more after some close times together and they do get anxious and revert to turtle behavior.

Maybe just realize he can't commit anymore to you and this schism is creating his stress and he is afraid to admit this to you. Granted schism isn't the correct word usage here. He may not express his feelings but it doesn't mean he doesn't have them, he is just afraid to disclose hey, I just like to see you with less commitment because then l don't feel threatened. I kinda of go thru the same thought process myself.

 

[All-Rounder]

I would like some more information on his eating disorder, it is interesting you mention. He seems to be fasting sometimes, my boyfriend does the same but he is diabetic and needs to lose some weight, so it is not unhealthy for him and helps his health. Given that fasting is the most effective and easiest way to some extents to do, a lot of people do it, doctors, nutritionists.

However if it is only his own story that he is overweight and he is severely underweight then it could be a mental issue that could be detrimental to his health and energy given he is on the spectrum.

If he is fasting and you get worried about it however the proper thing to do is not go to restaurants together but do other activities. That choice was kinda awkward, but if you get hungry there's little way around it.

I also think it's interesting he didn't want you to know about his autism [if he has it], he was probably trying to avoid certain issues with confusion of the spectrum which can complicate relationships, but sometimes eventually create better understanding, however doesn't deal with relationship issues and needs.

Because of it also some people are giving beyond their means to the point they can't no more, so it can be damaging if the person feels the need to make up for the lacks of the autistic person, or put up with lacks and dissatisfaction because the person is autistic. Unfortunately, that does not work in the end. The partner must have external support and offer to themselves much more, seek ways in which the relationship will satisfy them, which is difficult because romance and especially incipient romance tends to be consuming.

 

[GypsyMoth]

For yourself, I heard on Youtube recently that if you connect deeply with an aspie in a very short time that you, too, may be on the spectrum. It's just an idea. (& I hope this is not too direct. I don't know you at all; it's only that your connection with this man seems a bit more fulfilling to you in a way that suggests this.)

Check out Hunter Hansen, The Life Autistic, and his video blog, Could you be autistic and not even know? See reason 4 at time marker 10:47. (This isn't the video I was looking for but he says something similar in it.)

As for myself, I have an unmarried uncle (not diagnosed) who is known for not talking. My aunts were incredulous when I mentioned that we had been having hour-long phone calls for several years. In the few teaching or youth group chaperoning roles I've had, I've worked very well with students who were on the spectrum (both ADHD & ASD)--much better than the other adults present. More recently, an acquaintance of mine kept making some really profound comments when we'd chat, things that would get my attention in a deep and unusual way. I mean, she was really observant and generally made more sense than most people I talked with. It took several years, but I finally decided to trust her enough to let her into my world. You know what? She's amazing. I'm not sure I've ever had someone I could be so relaxed around and with whom I felt like I resonated. And yes, she's ASD. I am not diagnosed; rather, all this guilt by association makes a pretty convincing case that I am most likely ND.


For your situation, a quick web search turned up a number of resources on help with dating men who are on the spectrum. Now, this is a bit like pulling cards out of a hat but, here's one I found interesting that seems to fit your situation:

https://www.adultaspergerschat.com/2017/10/why-some-aspergers-men-fall-out-of-love.html

Also from the same blogger (he seems to be a therapist--I haven't checked out his in-page videos yet) is this support group for women who are dating aspie men:

NT Women in Relationships with Men on the Autism Spectrum | Facebook


I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find these helpful.

 

[Thinx]

I guess we are taught to have defined ideas about what a relationship should be like, but as you loved him and got on so well, I wonder if you could have tried out settling for what he offered, rather than comparing it to what you expected or feel you would need. Maybe the compromise would still be quite a happy relationship of a kind. Not all relationships are typical ones.

 

[KMac]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses received thus far. To clarify some things and answer a few questions that might help, I am neurotypical, but took zero offense to any guesses that I might be on the spectrum myself, of course. I loved deeply a man on the spectrum, and many of the attributes that made me fall for him can be directly related, to my knowledge, to his beautiful brain.
I have spent the past two years in relationship with him learning all I could about high functioning autism. This man has an advanced law degree, a respectful job, a beautiful home, and friends and family who adore him. He is not open to exploring a diagnosis, and when I mentioned what I suspect to be unequivocally the case, he did not receive it well. As someone in the teaching field, I understand neurodiversity and embrace all people without bias. The only reason I mentioned it to him was the fact that there were lots of fits and starts on his part before we settled into some form of a relationship, and it was a bit confusing and painful for me.
Still, I did my best to move forward with him without mentioning autism again. I believe he found the perfect sport for himself in cycling; it has become a special interest/obsession/addiction in my opinion; one in which his controlled eating is actually praised instead of maligned. The bottom line is, I believe it saves his life in some respects, so I rarely balked when it meant that he never wanted to stay over night, and we rarely went for weekend or even full day trips together. Cycling and his eating habits always came first.
In the end, I finally understood and am now working on accepting that fact that no matter how well I loved him, no matter how much I understood him, no matter how much he filled my soul in some ways, he just was not interested enough in getting a diagnosis and the support he would need in order to navigate a committed relationship. Truth be told, while I’m sure he can get lonely at times, he seems quite content to be alone doing only that which sustains him. To me, the whole thing is very sad. Two lonely people who care about each other deeply, and it just can’t be.

 

[Aspychata]

I guess we are taught to have defined ideas about what a relationship should be like, but as you loved him and got on so well, I wonder if you could have tried out settling for what he offered, rather than comparing it to what you expected or feel you would need. Maybe the compromise would still be quite a happy relationship of a kind. Not all relationships are typical ones.

I like this reply. Relationships can be many different things. Woman sometimes have a tough time navigating life, and being on the spectrum can make working for others also difficult, and then as a female, my choices become even more limited. But l value those l meet who show kindness and acceptance.

I myself was ready to settle but my ability to work, and my ability to live in a safe place made me re-evaluate my life. And l grew so frustrated that l needed to withdraw and limit my contact with my friends that l knew. I had to work on myself, and deal with my anxiety. Sometimes friends are unable to pick up on the pain we go thru, and they think it's them when it's not them.

I hope the OP finds an answer to her particular quest.

 

[Thinx]

Reading the article that @GypsyMoth posted, I thought it was illuminating in describing what can be happening for some Aspie men in this situation, but also can think of so many difficult situations that couples I have worked with are up against, the vast majority of whom are not on the autistic spectrum. The most common issue couples come up against is communication difficulties, and a common problem for both people is attachment insecurities that each individual may experience. At least a third of all people are somewhat insecure in relating, whether neurotypical or neurodiverse.

As this man the OP describes doesn't have any diagnosis, we dont know if he is someone with Aspergers, or what someone qualified to diagnose would say. It does seem like what the OP wanted was for this otherwise happy guy who had his life in balance, to get himself a diagnosis of Aspergers aka ASD1, and work towards being different so they could then have a happy relationship. It doesn't seem a big surprise to me that someone hearing this would back off.

It seems good that both parties realised the relationship wasn't working for them, and moved on. A lot of people with ASD are in happy relationships, a lot of people who are neurotypical are too, and plenty of couples who are both neurotypical are in difficulties in relating.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

That's quite an awful experience, KMac. At his age, he certainly should be more aware of his limits and owes others some more direct communication. I don't think his behavior really benefits himself in the long run, either. It just makes things easier in the short term.

 

[Aspychata]

As @Thinx states - communication is a huge issue for me. I was afraid and felt shame to speak the truth. That l was under so much stress and felt so much shame about the stress, that l lashed out because l just wanted to retreat and dial down my anxiety by staying at my house. However some of the severe anxiety is my house, so l am in a catch22 situation which create stress. But l just work on taking baby steps everyday. And l identify my boundaries and stick to them if l haven't seen someone for awhile.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I guess we are taught to have defined ideas about what a relationship should be like, but as you loved him and got on so well, I wonder if you could have tried out settling for what he offered, rather than comparing it to what you expected or feel you would need. Maybe the compromise would still be quite a happy relationship of a kind. Not all relationships are typical ones.

This resonated with me as I have often had outside-the-box type relationships in many different shapes. I never understood why others did not see these possibilities until now, after several years of learning about my own autism.

 

[KMac]

That's quite an awful experience, KMac. At his age, he certainly should be more aware of his limits and owes others some more direct communication. I don't think his behavior really benefits himself in the long run, either. It just makes things easier in the short term.

Thank you for this. I have been so hard on myself of late over all of it and my anxiety is through the roof. Deeply, deeply hurt and confused, with few around me who understand. I appreciate you for reaching out.

 

[Gracey]

The manner in which he conducted himself throughout the relationship wasn't enough for you.
Deal with your loss/grief and move on to someone who can offer you more.

You enhanced his world but you will never have become the center of it.

 

[KMac]

The manner in which he conducted himself throughout the relationship wasn't enough for you.
Deal with your loss/grief and move on to someone who can offer you more.

You enhanced his world but you will never have become the center of it.

I love this, albeit in a pained way. It’s the truth. I just hope moving forward I can believe it wasn’t because I am not enough.

 

[Judge]

Another story of love and loss that I can so sadly relate to. As "the guy", that would have been me about 36 years ago. Where the short version would simply be to lament that some of us males on the spectrum are continually "at war" with two very opposing motivations:

1) To seek and maintain companionship
2) To always maintain immediate access to solitude

Unfortunately for myself and the NT girlfriends I once had, none of us had a clue as to what drove my traits and behaviors. When I could only surmise that I was a nebulous introvert. With no way of understanding or attempting to compensate for who- and what I actually was then- and now. Which would usually wind up with me damaging and eventually destroying these relationships in favor of solitude. That it was never really about them, but only about me. Tragic that I could never find the words to explain it until now.

I so wish I knew about being autistic back then. I might have been able to deal with it considerably better. Yet at the time, I couldn't even determine that it was solitude that gave me so much solace. I was so confused...

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My brother is on the spectrum she; his wife is a teacher, he really likes his solitude, they have means she likes to travel he stays home she travels the world gets on a plan when the itch comes. supply teacher, that works for them
She just realized he is on the spectrum excitably told me during thanksgiving. I guess she attended a seminar for detecting students. She came to the dinner alone; I told her I already knew.

Your right we need our alone time my wife and I go to parties that's her social outlet. I keep to myself unless the conversation deviates from the standard sports and social gossip, NT's seem to like. being brighter I can hold a conversation on almost any think, do not like politics. though. I can be pretty loquacious. to the point of people meeting me for the first time think I'm an extrovert.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Thank you for this. I have been so hard on myself of late over all of it and my anxiety is through the roof. Deeply, deeply hurt and confused, with few around me who understand. I appreciate you for reaching out.

Of course . Without going into details, I was in a similar situation. I suffered a great personal loss and my fiancé at the time (and her family) wouldn't really acknowledge it. Just acted like everything was great and nothing happened (not even a "Sorry for your loss."). I was very angry and felt betrayed, but few people in her life could understand. They seemed to think I was wrong, which was even more invalidating. So I know how it is for others to ignore real needs and how easy it is to blame yourself afterward. Not that I wouldn't do some things differently or can't criticize any of my behavior, in this situation...but sometimes people want us to feel it's all our fault because it makes life easy for them.

Hopefully you'll find a guy who wants, values, and can handle your time.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My older brother on the spectrum was married to an NT programmer personality very similar to Sheldon on big bang theory, very logical, his wife's favorite trick when they fought was to leave and go see her mother for a few days, he could not understand her emotions just saw it as some form of blackmail which he would not give into. they got divorced, even though both cared for each other deeply. I got stuck in the middle as both confided in me over their issues. the chasm was just too wide.
my brother was so similar to Sheldon, you would think they copied my bother for the show even the marriage was similar, his wife was a bit of a ringer for Amy. sometimes life and fiction run parallel. My wife loves the show. as she lives it. My self and each of my brother is one of the characters. Yes, I married Penny for real. the quite guy who had no girlfriend in high school.