I apologize in advance for the length of this post. It's a bit of a rant, but I would appreciate some external viewpoints.
I’m having difficulty with my relationship with my sister.
The short version is that she’s going to a wake today for someone important to her and I criticized her behavior when she called me this morning, complaining about her ex and boasting about the really nasty, mean things she said to him when he was being difficult about coordinating the pickup of their children this afternoon. Don’t get me wrong, he is a bastard, but she’s frequently impulsive, short sighted, irrational and emotionally reactive (even when there isn’t a tragedy to deal with) and I find it confusing and difficult to navigate a conversation when she’s being that way. She hung up on me, then texted to tell me that she loves me and will talk to me next week, she needs to deal with this, everything else is nonsense, there are bigger problems than how she treats her ex, and I seem to have a lot to criticize these days. To which I apologized for my poor timing. I laughed and said that I always have a lot to criticize, it’s how I think, but that I recognized that it was insensitive and inappropriate of me to voice those criticisms while she’s grieving.
It made me angry and sad.
I’m angry at her because, while I don’t dispute the difficulty of what she’s going through, I know that people will lash out when they’re grieving, and I understand needing to prioritize one’s energy to be able to handle these kinds of things, but this is a continued, prolonged pattern of behavior; whatever she’s dealing with is bigger and more important than anything else, period, completely dismissing the value of anything “small” and using that priority to validate having the right to lash out at people and vilify them when they upset her. I’ve heard that you can’t have a rational conversation with an irrational person, but that just doesn’t compute, so while I usually keep my mouth shut and let her rant, sometimes I erroneously attempt the path of reason.
I feel like it’s important to remember that life is made up big and little things and that even though the big things are often all consuming, the little things still matter. For example, it matters how divorced parents treat each other, especially in view and earshot of the children. Continually flinging disparities back and forth only elevates the negativity (which she claims to hate so much, yet continues to perpetuate) and it undermines a child’s development and wellbeing.
I’m angry at myself for not keeping my mouth shut today. She’s grieving, and it was not appropriate of me to say anything. She doesn’t need logic right now, she needs emotional reciprocation and I’m sad that I don’t know how to provide that. I have also experienced intense, personal loss and know that it’s painful and complicated. I’m also sad because what she said about me being more critical lately made me realize that I have to be more reserved; to some degree, the mask must always be maintained. I’ve been letting my guard down and trying to be more open about things, but I think it’s too much to be honest with her, even when also making sure to be kind and approach with a tone of patience and understanding. I will always have to be guarded about my responses, even when she asks for my opinion I need to remember that she doesn’t really want it.
It’s so hard to accept that there’s a possibility she can’t control it; because it’s not how I think, how I would react, I can’t relate to the behavior. Because I don’t know how to tell the difference between unwillingness and inability, I guess I just have to assume in her favor or see myself as a hypocrite. But I have all kinds of difficulties, too. We all do. A large part of being an adult is learning to recognize those things, identifying the behaviors that are hurtful to ourselves and others, and finding healthy ways to cope and improve where we can (without sacrificing personal wellbeing), instead of blaming all of our problems on the behavior of other people.
She matters to me and our relationship is one of a very small set that I actively maintain, but I’m having increased confusion and difficulty knowing how to manage it. I don’t have the energy or the mind for empty platitudes and it feels wrong to encourage destructive and negative behavior, just to avoid the possibility of hurting her feelings. Again, today was not the day to say anything about it to her, but this is a continuing pattern and I would appreciate some external insight.
I’m having difficulty with my relationship with my sister.
The short version is that she’s going to a wake today for someone important to her and I criticized her behavior when she called me this morning, complaining about her ex and boasting about the really nasty, mean things she said to him when he was being difficult about coordinating the pickup of their children this afternoon. Don’t get me wrong, he is a bastard, but she’s frequently impulsive, short sighted, irrational and emotionally reactive (even when there isn’t a tragedy to deal with) and I find it confusing and difficult to navigate a conversation when she’s being that way. She hung up on me, then texted to tell me that she loves me and will talk to me next week, she needs to deal with this, everything else is nonsense, there are bigger problems than how she treats her ex, and I seem to have a lot to criticize these days. To which I apologized for my poor timing. I laughed and said that I always have a lot to criticize, it’s how I think, but that I recognized that it was insensitive and inappropriate of me to voice those criticisms while she’s grieving.
It made me angry and sad.
I’m angry at her because, while I don’t dispute the difficulty of what she’s going through, I know that people will lash out when they’re grieving, and I understand needing to prioritize one’s energy to be able to handle these kinds of things, but this is a continued, prolonged pattern of behavior; whatever she’s dealing with is bigger and more important than anything else, period, completely dismissing the value of anything “small” and using that priority to validate having the right to lash out at people and vilify them when they upset her. I’ve heard that you can’t have a rational conversation with an irrational person, but that just doesn’t compute, so while I usually keep my mouth shut and let her rant, sometimes I erroneously attempt the path of reason.
I feel like it’s important to remember that life is made up big and little things and that even though the big things are often all consuming, the little things still matter. For example, it matters how divorced parents treat each other, especially in view and earshot of the children. Continually flinging disparities back and forth only elevates the negativity (which she claims to hate so much, yet continues to perpetuate) and it undermines a child’s development and wellbeing.
I’m angry at myself for not keeping my mouth shut today. She’s grieving, and it was not appropriate of me to say anything. She doesn’t need logic right now, she needs emotional reciprocation and I’m sad that I don’t know how to provide that. I have also experienced intense, personal loss and know that it’s painful and complicated. I’m also sad because what she said about me being more critical lately made me realize that I have to be more reserved; to some degree, the mask must always be maintained. I’ve been letting my guard down and trying to be more open about things, but I think it’s too much to be honest with her, even when also making sure to be kind and approach with a tone of patience and understanding. I will always have to be guarded about my responses, even when she asks for my opinion I need to remember that she doesn’t really want it.
It’s so hard to accept that there’s a possibility she can’t control it; because it’s not how I think, how I would react, I can’t relate to the behavior. Because I don’t know how to tell the difference between unwillingness and inability, I guess I just have to assume in her favor or see myself as a hypocrite. But I have all kinds of difficulties, too. We all do. A large part of being an adult is learning to recognize those things, identifying the behaviors that are hurtful to ourselves and others, and finding healthy ways to cope and improve where we can (without sacrificing personal wellbeing), instead of blaming all of our problems on the behavior of other people.
She matters to me and our relationship is one of a very small set that I actively maintain, but I’m having increased confusion and difficulty knowing how to manage it. I don’t have the energy or the mind for empty platitudes and it feels wrong to encourage destructive and negative behavior, just to avoid the possibility of hurting her feelings. Again, today was not the day to say anything about it to her, but this is a continuing pattern and I would appreciate some external insight.
. It really kind of drives me nuts and I'm often perplexed by her responses. Sometimes she asks for my opinion, sometimes she doesn't, sometimes she's receptive, sometimes she's not regardless of whether or not she asked me to tell her what I think and I never can tell which way it's going to go. 
