Hi everybody,
Had a bit of a sit down chat with my girlfriend of eight years.
She gave me a speech/ultimatum about having the same goals; getting a house, marriage and children within the next few years.
I think it would be great to have the house, get married and have the 2.4 children, etc. but in not sure know how to progress a relationship or whether I could handle it.
I'm not a big fan of change, I'm happy with things as they are or am I being cruel??
I hear you on your concern but please let me assure you that
change is a good thing!
Change over time towards a better "you" is the very definition of growth. If you are not growing you are stagnant, stuck and you aren't getting any better. We all have room for growth and improvement. If your goal in life doesn't require you to change then it's not a real goal, it's an excuse. Consider your partner with my words: How would you feel if
you wanted things like a house and children but your partner didn't seem like they wanted to make the effort? It would make you feel like you were in a dead-end relationship.
Don't be that dead-end!
You can be happy the way things are now and still accept change.
A kid can enjoy little league baseball while he's that age but if he doesn't switch to high school or professional when he grows up because he loves little league so much then he's going to really be out of place with stunted values and behaviors, never realizing his full potential. We must all let go of both the joys and the pains of yesterday so that we may make room for tomorrow.
Be happy, yes, but don't be stagnant. Set goals. Your girlfriend is not wrong to want a future. You can't stay with parents forever, you can't continue to pay overpriced rent on an apartment forever, you can't spend the rest of your life acting the same as you are today.
When you say you aren't sure how to progress a relationship, well a house is a good first step.
I have spent a significant amount of time typing this up for you so I'd appreciate it if you took this advice very seriously. The following are steps you need to take both independently and with your partner. These are
non-negotiable steps.
1: Know your credit score, credit history and debt/income ratio.
2: If you haven't already, start a savings account and actually use it.
3: Review your pay history over the past 3-6 years and see if you are going anywhere financially.
4: Review the past 6 months of your spendings and make a chart that shows you
where your money is going.
5: Create and review your resume and compare to others to see if you are in a good place for your age.
6: Start comparing land values and prices and home owning rules.
7: Start comparing house values and prices.
8: Discuss with your girlfriend what kind of space you will want. Understand that
space will be directly proportionate to the money you can expect to spend.
9: Compare prices of building to buying because you may find small goals to be attainable by building small.
10: Discuss schooling methods for future children as well as community benifits.
11: Discuss and make goals for a secure income as well as a future savings. You must be able to bounce back quickly from any lost income.
12: Look at the condition of your car and
ask yourself if you've been responsible with such an asset (changing oil, checking injectors, changing spark plugs, keeping clean, rotating tires, replacing filters etc.) or if you've been immature
just putting gas in it and occasionally taking it in for a cheap check up hoping the service is honest. Is your car a mess? Is it falling apart? Your car is a testament to your own personal maturity and responsibility and will say a lot about your being able to take care of a house.
13:
If step 12 is disappointing, start by improving that and don't go further until it's better.
14: Look around your living quarters, are you a responsible adult or do you need a maid/mother?
15:
If step 14 doesn't show you to be an adult, fix it.
16: Are your bills up to date?
If not, look at step 4 and see what games or DVDs or social outings you
should have forgone until bills were paid. Change these habits.
17: Do you know how to do anything useful like building, plumbing, wiring, insulating, cabinetry, sewing, finishing, painting etc.? If you can, find out how to do things yourself to save money. If you can't, consider looking into it because it can save you money on a house.
18: Look to compromise your childhood possessions. Do you have a bunch of toys or collector's items that serve no purpose other than bragging rights at the comic store?
Consider their importance in relation to having to pay for every square foot you will need to store them.
19: Look at tiny homes. Some come pre-built, some come partially built, some are projects. You are better off with a newer house that can be built on than buying a fixer-upper that is rotten under the floors and behind the paint.
No matter what a real estate agent will tell you, fixing a house that you buy for cheap is not a good investment compared to doing the same work to build a new house.
20: Owning a home is a responsibility and it will be your job to keep it up. Prepare yourself for that. If it scares you, man the hell up because when winter comes, if you didn't cover your plumbing no one is going to pity you for busted pipes.
You are never too young or too old to learn to do things without being told by someone older. If any of the 19 steps rub you as too much effort, that's probably where you need to focus the most.
I really don't care how old you are because ALL of these are "the sooner the better" type steps so there's really no reason why you can't consider them. If you think this is too much for you to handle, find the support you need because this is adulthood and there's no hiding from it. The longer you put it off, the more you will lose starting with your girlfriend.
If you need support, a bunch of us on this forum will cheer you on and give advice.
You can do this! It's hard and scary for sure but you will come out on the other end a man. There is no simpler ambition in life than to grow up and improve!
