Relationship hesitancy from the Aspie side (question from an NT)

[kyliewyote]

Hi....second post from me, but I've been doing a ton of reading on this site, other sites, and suggested books, as I am in a very initial phase of a relationship with a person whom I believe is on the Aspie spectrum.

Any person will always have nervousness, hesitancy, what-do-I-do-next, etc at the beginning of a relationship. But how do the "typical" (whatever the heck typical is?) NT issues differ from an Aspie? In reading, it seems that Aspies may be much more hesitant to go into a relationship due to past experiences (bullying, past relationships that have not worked out, etc). And, it also seems that a number of Aspie folks out there have expressed that they are both afraid to be hurt, and also to hurt the other person if they do become involved in a relationship. And, some have not been in a relationship for a very long time, if even at all.

Does anyone have any insights to share from the Aspie perspective on
-- maybe an increased feeling of vulnerability for themselves, and why? and what can help?
-- a heightened awareness and perhaps feeling of responsibility to not hurt another person by being in a relationship that does not work in the future? and do Aspies feel this more, or is it just expressed more in some of the forum discussions / sharing (vs NTs)?
-- what may ease either of these feelings?
-- why have some of you decided to no longer date / be in relationships / etc? (I think that was the case with my interest, but ta-daaaa, I guess I appeared and have been the one time in forever-ish he has broken out of that case)

I'd moved out of a long-term relationship, and it was an unexpected interest (and unfortunately long distance, but hey, just logistics). He was very hesitant to show anything, but after 1.5 years, has opened up, and quite significantly in the past month via phone......per one person he lives with (on a work basis) who is like a sister to me, says he has never dated nor really ever talked to women in the 10 years they've known him, but with caller id, he will scoop up the phone if it's me calling (yippee!). Once I felt quite certain that he had interest in me, I too had that "yikes!" feeling of being somewhat responsible for his heart (I'm a very nurturing type, and tend to take care of everyone else ahead of myself). But am comfortable now.,,,

I'm visiting in 7 days, and just wondered if anyone has any perspective on the hesitancy, fears, wants, etc at the beginning of a relationship from the Aspie side....and any suggestions? (I know to go slowly, say what I feel/mean; I understand physical touch and other things may be different from average NTs, etc.). It's scary for me, and I feel vulnerable, as anyone does/would; but I think it is much more for him after not having been "in that scene" for so very long, if ever....

thanks! Kylie

(ps, I think this is going under "intro yourself".....how do I create a new thread/topic not on this screen? Couldn't see it elsewhere, and don't want to bug all y'all, nor the moderators...)

 

[Harrison]

Hi Kylie, welcome to AC.

My story is I was diagnosed at 50, prior to that I was in various relationships from the age of seventeen. None of them worked and I never knew why, yes I knew I was hard work but believed I was just under pressure with work etc. Once I was diagnosed I read up on everything to do with neural diversity, it became my special interest for a while, and saw myself written in the pages. That shock pushed me to make the decision to stay single and celibate, that I would stay that way until I found someone who also understood my asperges. That was ten years of being alone, not only did I stop dating but I left friendships, dumped my career and basically became 'no one'.

Last month I engaged in a deeper conversation with someone here, that has led to the desire on both sides for a relationship and we are headed in that direction. The difference of having someone who understands the way your mind works is amazing and frightening at the same time. We are meeting up in a couple of months for the first time, although I know more about this person than I have ever learnt about anyone in the past.

In answer to your questions -

-- maybe an increased feeling of vulnerability for themselves, and why? and what can help?
The last decade has taught me how vulnerable I am, emotionally I am nowhere near the age of my body and I know I can be taken advantage of as it has happened in the past. How am I combatting my feelings on this? By being completely open and honest with myself and my future partner. In the past I would talk myself into believing a situation was good for me, now I examine every stage as it progresses to see how it is changing me.

-- a heightened awareness and perhaps feeling of responsibility to not hurt another person by being in a relationship that does not work in the future? and do Aspies feel this more, or is it just expressed more in some of the forum discussions / sharing (vs NTs)?
I am acutely aware that I may hurt someones feelings through my actions or speech. As to projecting that forward and using it to define whether I would be in the relationship, no, I'm not doing that. The opportunity is here to become part of a loving relationship with someone who understands me more than I might understand myself. It is worth the journey, it is worth the time and the risk, and at my age time could be in short supply.

-- what may ease either of these feelings?
Openess in all things. Like many aspies I am prone to meltdowns or shutdowns, I have spent my time alone learning how and when they may occur, however, I realise that being alone also removes you from social situations that may cause those events. Making my partner aware of the things I know that trigger them is the first step, pointing out that there may be events that, as a couple, I am not aware of and how to deal with them if they occur, is the next. Investing time in understanding these is vital in my mind as I know they can be the 'killing fields' of a relationship.


-- why have some of you decided to no longer date / be in relationships / etc? (I think that was the case with my interest, but ta-daaaa, I guess I appeared and have been the one time in forever-ish he has broken out of that case)
I guess I fall into the same category as your interest. Time alone had made me 'safe' in knowing I wouldn't get into another relationship at my age, fate decided to deal a different hand and as such, I have broken out of that way of life.

 

[kyliewyote]

Thank you Harrison.....I've read a lot of your posts, and you have been one of my favorites to read. I like your introspection, and you also have a lovely ability to be able to write and express things for understanding on (at least this) reader's side. I got a little teary hearing about your deeper conversation and new relationship. I hope for the best for you....
Openness, honesty, understanding.

thank you, Kylie

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Hi Kylie, welcome to AC.

My story is I was diagnosed at 50, prior to that I was in various relationships from the age of seventeen. None of them worked and I never knew why, yes I knew I was hard work but believed I was just under pressure with work etc. Once I was diagnosed I read up on everything to do with neural diversity, it became my special interest for a while, and saw myself written in the pages. That shock pushed me to make the decision to stay single and celibate, that I would stay that way until I found someone who also understood my asperges. That was ten years of being alone, not only did I stop dating but I left friendships, dumped my career and basically became 'no one'.

Last month I engaged in a deeper conversation with someone here, that has led to the desire on both sides for a relationship and we are headed in that direction. The difference of having someone who understands the way your mind works is amazing and frightening at the same time. We are meeting up in a couple of months for the first time, although I know more about this person than I have ever learnt about anyone in the past.

In answer to your questions -

-- maybe an increased feeling of vulnerability for themselves, and why? and what can help?
The last decade has taught me how vulnerable I am, emotionally I am nowhere near the age of my body and I know I can be taken advantage of as it has happened in the past. How am I combatting my feelings on this? By being completely open and honest with myself and my future partner. In the past I would talk myself into believing a situation was good for me, now I examine every stage as it progresses to see how it is changing me.

-- a heightened awareness and perhaps feeling of responsibility to not hurt another person by being in a relationship that does not work in the future? and do Aspies feel this more, or is it just expressed more in some of the forum discussions / sharing (vs NTs)?
I am acutely aware that I may hurt someones feelings through my actions or speech. As to projecting that forward and using it to define whether I would be in the relationship, no, I'm not doing that. The opportunity is here to become part of a loving relationship with someone who understands me more than I might understand myself. It is worth the journey, it is worth the time and the risk, and at my age time could be in short supply.

-- what may ease either of these feelings?
Openess in all things. Like many aspies I am prone to meltdowns or shutdowns, I have spent my time alone learning how and when they may occur, however, I realise that being alone also removes you from social situations that may cause those events. Making my partner aware of the things I know that trigger them is the first step, pointing out that there may be events that, as a couple, I am not aware of and how to deal with them if they occur, is the next. Investing time in understanding these is vital in my mind as I know they can be the 'killing fields' of a relationship.


-- why have some of you decided to no longer date / be in relationships / etc? (I think that was the case with my interest, but ta-daaaa, I guess I appeared and have been the one time in forever-ish he has broken out of that case)
I guess I fall into the same category as your interest. Time alone had made me 'safe' in knowing I wouldn't get into another relationship at my age, fate decided to deal a different hand and as such, I have broken out of that way of life.

You go for it, Mr. Taurus!!! (I still can't believe we have the same birthday)
And that saying you put under your avatar is just adorable!

 

[Vanilla]

Welcome Kylie

To create a new thread, simply go to the "Forums" tab, select one of the categories, and at the top, right, corner of the screen, there should be a big, blue, button, that reads "post new thread".

In terms of dating an Aspie, one of the key factors to remember, is that it's important to balance their needs (to allow them to be who they are), and your needs (to get what you need from the relationship). Don't neglect yourself. Remember, that every relationship is different, and so you need to find a balance that suits the two of you. Both partners need to do their part to make the other happy, to ensure that the relationship, is a healthy one. Communication is key.

I know you've already done a bit of research, but I thought I'd just list a few things for you here, should you be interested.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

About AS:

Home

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

AS Relationships:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) | AspiesCentral.com

22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome

This one might be of interest to you too, if you are type of person, who invests a lot of yourself, in to your partners: Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change: Robin Norwood: 9781416550211: Amazon.com: Books

A film, that may interest you: Adam (2009) - IMDb

 

[kyliewyote]

Welcome Kylie

To create a new thread, simply go to the "Forums" tab, select one of the categories, and at the top, right, corner of the screen, there should be a big, blue, button, that reads "post new thread".

In terms of dating an Aspie, one of the key factors to remember, is that it's important to balance their needs (to allow them to be who they are), and your needs (to get what you need from the relationship). Don't neglect yourself. Remember, that every relationship is different, and so you need to find a balance that suits the two of you. Both partners need to do their part to make the other happy, to ensure that the relationship, is a healthy one. Communication is key.

I know you've already done a bit of research, but I thought I'd just list a few things for you here, should you be interested.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

About AS:

Home

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

AS Relationships:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) | AspiesCentral.com

22 Things a Woman Must Know: If She Loves a Man With Asperger's Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome

This one might be of interest to you too, if you are type of person, who invests a lot of yourself, in to your partners: Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change: Robin Norwood: 9781416550211: Amazon.com: Books

A film, that may interest you: Adam (2009) - IMDb

thank you Vanilla.....(that flavor has more to it that people give credit!). I have already bought and read the 3 first books in the past 2 months, and will absolutely get your suggestion for "Different Together", but moreso, "Women Who Love too much".
I don't expect nor wish my friend to change, other than perhaps continue to be more comfortable as we get to share with each other (again, in NT terms, we are "interests", and for me, a toe-in-the-water, but I think huge for him), and also knowing myself as a person who tends to give, I think it would be a good read for me. I'm not a push-over....I played pro tennis (ya, the whole Wimby, US open, etc0), was a managing director at a semi-conductor company, have "done well for myself", but more importantly have a lovely daughter, but a (past) incredibly selfish husband. I guess my soft spot is in taking care of people, and I will continue to do so, as it makes me happy and makes me "me".
But (thank you), I will also "Don't neglect yourself". I do not expect him to change (nor did I expect my prior husband....I just thought he had more there than he did, particularly with our daughter, whom he neglected as well.....what do you say when your daughter says she wants a different dad...? )
Already, my new friend is far more truly (not in a false-fashion) helpful and giving, and also communicative (my past husband was a brick wall when it came to emotion and any sharing....I look back now incredulous that I chose that life, but am no longer resentful nor grumpy -- there is too much in future to love and do instead of fester in the past).
Who knows where this will take me, but in the minimum, an incredible and lovely friend, and in hope, more.

I've said it before, but the people on this forum are (in my opinion) amazing people to "be around".
6 days to my visit, unless I take the travel time change into account, which I choose to conveniently do , so only 5....!

Kylie

 

[Vanilla]

thank you Vanilla.....(that flavor has more to it that people give credit!). I have already bought and read the 3 first books in the past 2 months, and will absolutely get your suggestion for "Different Together", but moreso, "Women Who Love too much".
I don't expect nor wish my friend to change, other than perhaps continue to be more comfortable as we get to share with each other (again, in NT terms, we are "interests", and for me, a toe-in-the-water, but I think huge for him), and also knowing myself as a person who tends to give, I think it would be a good read for me. I'm not a push-over....I played pro tennis (ya, the whole Wimby, US open, etc0), was a managing director at a semi-conductor company, have "done well for myself", but more importantly have a lovely daughter, but a (past) incredibly selfish husband. I guess my soft spot is in taking care of people, and I will continue to do so, as it makes me happy and makes me "me".
But (thank you), I will also "Don't neglect yourself". I do not expect him to change (nor did I expect my prior husband....I just thought he had more there than he did, particularly with our daughter, whom he neglected as well.....what do you say when your daughter says she wants a different dad...? )
Already, my new friend is far more truly (not in a false-fashion) helpful and giving, and also communicative (my past husband was a brick wall when it came to emotion and any sharing....I look back now incredulous that I chose that life, but am no longer resentful nor grumpy -- there is too much in future to love and do instead of fester in the past).
Who knows where this will take me, but in the minimum, an incredible and lovely friend, and in hope, more.

I've said it before, but the people on this forum are (in my opinion) amazing people to "be around".
6 days to my visit, unless I take the travel time change into account, which I choose to conveniently do , so only 5....!

Kylie

You're welcome!

Yes, I think so too. I'm rather fond of the scent/ flavour. It's rather comforting.

It sounds like you've experienced enough to have your head on straight, this time around, so that's a good sign. Your past relationship provides you with much wisdom. By the sounds of it, this new person seems like they are much more ideal, to what you need. I can relate very much, to being the sort of person, who is happiest, when helping others. Very true, that it can be rather rewarding, as long as we invest in the right people. It's also quite rewarding too, when we're lucky enough, to find another, who is just as caring, to us. I hope this person does that, for you. It's rather sad, when children are involved, when it comes to bad relationships. I hope your daughter is coping better these days. I hope things work out for you, and this new interest.

That's quite impressive too, that you used to play professional tennis. What an interesting person you are

 

[kyliewyote]

I just think vanilla gets a bad/boring rap, when it's not! And thank you for your kind comments.
I do have my proverbial s*** together....my daughter's friend's dad said to me (upon talking about things we'd done in life), "what haven't you done?". My first thought, which I fortunately didn't say out loud, was "marry well". But, my daughter is my life and top priority....she's 9 and is becoming such a lovely, kind, creative, and silly person. Fortunately, she likes my aspie interest in the couple times she's visited with me.
And, thank you for your "interesting person" comment -- we all are, we just need to find it in each other. Although I do tend to push multiple envelopes in life! ha! gotta live it!

 

[Vanilla]

I just think vanilla gets a bad/boring rap, when it's not! And thank you for your kind comments.
I do have my proverbial s*** together....my daughter's friend's dad said to me (upon talking about things we'd done in life), "what haven't you done?". My first thought, which I fortunately didn't say out loud, was "marry well". But, my daughter is my life and top priority....she's 9 and is becoming such a lovely, kind, creative, and silly person. Fortunately, she likes my aspie interest in the couple times she's visited with me.
And, thank you for your "interesting person" comment -- we all are, we just need to find it in each other. Although I do tend to push multiple envelopes in life! ha! gotta live it!

Well, perhaps there's still time to cross that one off your bucket list

Good to hear that your daughter has developed in to quite the character. It's good that she approves of your new interest too. You will have to keep us posted, on how things turn out, for you.

 

[kyliewyote]

I'm back, and pleased to say that things are good. We were both a bit shy around each other for the first day, and finally on the 2nd night, as he was leaving the main building to go back to his apartment, I asked if I could come over for a chat. I almost chickened out, but am happy I took the step.
The AC forum told me to "just ask", so I did. I asked him what is perspective was on women. He said they were not a priority, and that he had his own interests that took his time. He's only had one friend in the past (12 years ago) that became a short relationship. But the comment of "women are needy and clingy" sounds like there wasn't a balance or understanding of the space he needs. I need to keep a big mental note on that. Thank goodness for this forum and all of the folks putting their thoughts down! And, the long distance right now is maybe a good buffer for him (although I wish we lived closer).
He then asked me where I thought we were, and I said I liked him, and gave some info on where I am in life. Then I asked him if there was a wee interest in me? He chuckled, and paused, then came over and sat close with me on the couch. We opening talked, which is a wonderful change from my last long-term relation, which was an emotional brick wall. And easy open talking and really good hugs the rest of the time (he fortunately is ok with physical touch).

I know I need to be incredibly respectful of his space and time with interests, and also keep the pace slow (again, kind of easy with the distance). But I'd welcome any other inputs!
(next visit will be April, which seems forever away....)

 

[Spiller]

Hey, Kylie, all I can say is, follow that "Yikes" Feeling and be gentle, patient and open with each other, that's my plan, hard as it seems.. if the other person cares enough, they'll meet you half way

 

[kyliewyote]

Thanks Spiller.....in this case, a long distance relationship, no timeline for either of us, and also the fact he lives where he works and the single phone is unpredictable is probably a good thing: "autobreaks". The comfort level we have after talking, and the ease of talking about everything and anything has been wonderful. And I'm ok with a "blurry" half way -- I'm usually a giver.

 

[kyliewyote]

Hey, Kylie, all I can say is, follow that "Yikes" Feeling and be gentle, patient and open with each other, that's my plan, hard as it seems.. if the other person cares enough, they'll meet you half way

ps....your Robin Williams pic makes me smile every time I see it. Sad loss, and so much 'good' he brought to so many of us!

 

[Spiller]

ps....your Robin Williams pic makes me smile every time I see it. Sad loss, and so much 'good' he brought to so many of us!

Hey Kylie, I'm glad it's going well for you, just enjoy it and try not to worry (easier said than done, right )
RW was one of my favourite comedians - actor and stand-up and I identify strongly with Morks observations of how strange and wonderful Earthlings can be