Relationship & Independence advice required!

[glasgowryan]

Hi

I am in a relationship which as far as I'm concerned is going well however that is the problem.

My relationships always do tend to be going well from my point of view however from my partners this is not quite the case.

I have only recently been diagnosed with Aspergers. Yesterday whilst at my partners mums, an incident occurred which everyone else laughed off however I didn't find it funny and nor did I laugh. This made the others feel uncomfortable as my reaction was completely different to everyone else's. I did explain to everyone that the incident didn't bother me however it appears to have been my facial expression that seemed to tell otherwise, even though it genuinely didn't bother me what so ever. To me, my reaction seemed like the right reaction to have but it clearly hasn't been to the extent that I really hurt my partners mum's feelings and she got a bit upset after I left.

This has understandably made my partner feel upset that I have upset his mum.

My partner has also told me that I am too dependent on him and that he needs space and time from me. Not necessarily wanting us to split up as such, but he would like it if for example after work I went to visit friends / family before coming home etc so we are not with each other every free minute of the day. I do have a tendency to rely on his opinion all the time which is also making him feel overwhelmed.

Ultimately I feel I need to start being more independant or this is going to have a negative impact on my relationship. I know that I have became too comfortable with how things currently are however this is having the opposite effect for my partner and I'd much rather get this sorted out now as opposed to allowing things to continue and then end up single (whilst still thinking every thing was going well).

I am not generally romantic either which also doesn't help. My partner likes romantic surprises but thats something that I have struggled with since we met. I am not good at dishing out complements either. I want our relationship to be as normal as possible however just don't know how to make that happen.

I would be extremely grateful for as much advice on how to turn things around with my partner. I don't want him to think our relationship is getting worse the longer we are together.

Ryan

 

[ancusmitis]

Has your partner expressed a problem with the relationship? I think the first thing you should do is ask your partner if he is dissatisfied. Then worry about turning the relationship around--it might not need to. Tell him you care about him and your relationship and you are willing to do what it takes to make it work.

 

[ancusmitis]

Also, sometimes I think things can bother us, but we are so used to them happening that it's impossible to express that something is wrong even with our own internal monologue. Being the odd one out is a prime example. I got into a lot of arguments because I denied that something bugged me. Except it did bother me, but I just accepted it as a matter of course. It can be hard to get used to people caring what you think, when most of the time previously they just rolled right over you.

 

[donn]

I'm brand new here, but I'm getting the sense that people on the Asperger's spectrum have a strong tendency towards codependency. God knows that it's true of me and my previous partners.

One reason for this, in my case and perhaps in yours, is a "weak self-image." This is not to say that we see ourselves as weak, but that we have difficulty in forming any self-image, such as when asked to describe ourselves. A partner can fill this void both in my case and probably yours given your tendency to ask for opinions, and it can be fascinating to get that kind of feedback from someone we actually trust and believe in. When they are positive about us, about that image, the affirmation can be addictive.

I wish I could give you better advice than what I'm trying, but maybe it will lead somewhere useful. I recently ended my engagement, to a diagnosed narcissist, and am trying casual dating for what is essentially the first time. I actually made sure I wouldn't take anyone on a date until I had a date planned with somebody else as well, in order to make sure I would tell them I need to be non-exclusive. Otherwise, I'm sure I would have plunged straight into another relationship. Hopefully this period will help me figure out how to be healthier in my relationships, with less codependency.

I obviously am not recommending that you follow that exact route with your partner, but I suspect you are craving affirmation, and must either make a conscious decision to do with less of it, or develop another source. The difficulty is, the kind of affirmation I'm suggesting relies on deep intimacy, so alternative outer sources are hard to come by and risk jealousy. Developing your own internal source....well, would it were so easy. At least recognizing whatever it is that makes you highly dependent on your partner may help in toning it down a bit when you are together.

 

[Larisa]

I like (to think it over in regards to myself) what Donn has written. I almost got myself into relationship when I realized that I crave to dissolve into other's personality and humbly exsist in the corner with my own interests while other partner would have taken all the troubles for us two in dealing with reality.
I realized I wanted protection and I so used to not feel - that I was little bothered that I don't really personally like and care for that guy.
It occured that he dissapeared that very moment - just stopped to write and call to meet.
I think he realized that something's wrong as well.
So we drifted apart and I felt ashamed by my own revelations and my inner fragility to speak to him for 7 years. Recently I have written to him and said about my gratitude for his attention and about my reasons why our relationship were wrong. He seemed calm and understanding (also he got married some years ago - that helped me to get courage and feeling of safety to be honest to him).

I'm afraid I can not give you any advice - because I think relationship are about decisions of two partners, and I see no way to 'make understand' someone about anything.
Well, my tryings never ended well. But I myself realized: what matters is that I should understand myself first, only then I can ask someone for small favours - while myself being sure I can offer something real for him in my turn.
I think that healthy relationship are about exchange: of opinions, of hopes, of dreams, of intentions. And - about doing something together.
It is stressful to be the partner who constantly makes decisions for two. It requires a lot of efforts and attention from the other partner to 'compensate' such a stress - and keep balance in such a relationship.