Relationships and missing social cues

[HelzBelz]

Hi, I have always struggled to form healthy relationships, partly because I miss so many cues to see when someone just isn't really into me. It doesn't help that as an aspie I fall for people hard. I've been 'kinda sorta' seeing someone for 5 months who definitely likes his space and doesn't want to define us as being in a relationship, yet when we're together (no more than once a week max) he's chatty and touchy-feely and seems to really enjoy 'us' time. He's not the type to show much emotion to anyone at all, and I can see he does like me, but I'm struggling to work out if he's got walls up because he's been burnt, or he's just not really into me. I seem to slide into a funk feeling rejected and low after a week of little conversation (and he drives past my house to get home, so it's not like he doesn't have opportunity to see me) yet when we're together it's easy and comfortable and I feel connected again.
I have had several relationships in the past where the guy has withdrawn and ended up just using me while I try and figure out if he likes me or not, and felt like an idiot when a con man made out he was everything I wanted and fleeced me of all my savings and mortgage equity. I just miss all the warning signs. I really want a comfortable dependable relationship as I'm really lonely on my own (been 8 years since I left an abusive husband to raise five kids on my own) but my lack of social ability makes the dating world overwhelming. I don't know where to start, but I want more - either from the guy I'm 'kinda sort' seeing, or someone else. :-(

 

[janie]

I hear those same bells, HelzBelz.

Certainly, I have no recipe or secret sauce.

How to know if someone is into us is as timeless an enigma as which came first the chicken or the egg.

I respect the courage and leap it had to have cost you to exit an abusive marriage and build a safe home for your five children.

I hope you are able to find the comfort and stability in relationships you seek.

Hi, I have always struggled to form healthy relationships, partly because I miss so many cues to see when someone just isn't really into me. It doesn't help that as an aspie I fall for people hard. I've been 'kinda sorta' seeing someone for 5 months who definitely likes his space and doesn't want to define us as being in a relationship, yet when we're together (no more than once a week max) he's chatty and touchy-feely and seems to really enjoy 'us' time. He's not the type to show much emotion to anyone at all, and I can see he does like me, but I'm struggling to work out if he's got walls up because he's been burnt, or he's just not really into me. I seem to slide into a funk feeling rejected and low after a week of little conversation (and he drives past my house to get home, so it's not like he doesn't have opportunity to see me) yet when we're together it's easy and comfortable and I feel connected again.
I have had several relationships in the past where the guy has withdrawn and ended up just using me while I try and figure out if he likes me or not, and felt like an idiot when a con man made out he was everything I wanted and fleeced me of all my savings and mortgage equity. I just miss all the warning signs. I really want a comfortable dependable relationship as I'm really lonely on my own (been 8 years since I left an abusive husband to raise five kids on my own) but my lack of social ability makes the dating world overwhelming. I don't know where to start, but I want more - either from the guy I'm 'kinda sort' seeing, or someone else. :-(

 

[xudo]

Welcome

 

[tree]

 

[janie]

"In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful." Alice Walker

 

[Nitro]

 

[janie]

I appreciate the welcome.

 

[HelzBelz]

I hear those same bells, HelzBelz.

Certainly, I have no recipe or secret sauce.

How to know if someone is into us is as timeless an enigma as which came first the chicken or the egg.

I respect the courage and leap it had to have cost you to exit an abusive marriage and build a safe home for your five children.

I hope you are able to find the comfort and stability in relationships you seek.

Thanks Janie. I am so very tired of missing or messing up with social cues. Sometimes I just want to hide from the world and avoid talking to people altogether. Then I just feel sad and lonely, so can't seem to win or get it right. :-(

 

[janie]

I am a new member too.

I hope this space inoculates us both with new hope, fresh ideas, and community.

I hear the exhaustion and often feel lonely myself.

I imagine you relentlessly try to get it right and know how many resources it costs me here in the same noble pursuit. I want to connect with others, I abhor the shade I see shadow faces when it's clear I've fallen short (again) and take breaks (in my hide-y hole).

I was diagnosed in February of this year.

Maybe once I understand things better, I will be able to be more kind to myself and accept that there is a reason certain things challenge me, that others sense this, and it breeds social static.

I hope you find ways and means that lead you to a happier and less lonely season.

 

[Katleya]

Welcome, HelzBelz!
It seems most people, not just us, miss those clues in a relationship, and aren't sure of their potential partner's feelings. So, at least, it's not because of your diagnosis.
I can relate to what you expressed regarding "falling hard" and the possible walls. Based on what you wrote, it seems as there is quality time, but I'm equally puzzled with him not talking, while at the same time driving past your house on a regular basis. That would upset me. Now, because it would upset me, it is very likely something I would bring up, hoping to get a clearer picture, but that can be a recipe to either more peace of mind knowing where your stand... or a major argument. And I don't want to give advice that may result in more stresd for you.

 

[HelzBelz]

Welcome, HelzBelz!
It seems most people, not just us, miss those clues in a relationship, and aren't sure of their potential partner's feelings. So, at least, it's not because of your diagnosis.
I can relate to what you expressed regarding "falling hard" and the possible walls. Based on what you wrote, it seems as there is quality time, but I'm equally puzzled with him not talking, while at the same time driving past your house on a regular basis. That would upset me. Now, because it would upset me, it is very likely something I would bring up, hoping to get a clearer picture, but that can be a recipe to either more peace of mind knowing where your stand... or a major argument. And I don't want to give advice that may result in more stresd for you.

Thanks Katleya; I do need to work out how to have a decent chat with him about all this. As much as I understand him having his own hurts and walls up I spend too much time feeling disappointed and needing more. And if I can't talk with him (although honest conversation/confrontation drives my anxiety sky-high) then we don't have much of a relationship anyway.

 

[Katleya]

You're welcome.
I hope you manage to work this out, and initiate the conversation. Sending you positive energy!