Relationships - is it love or a 'special interest'?

[Progster]

I can get attached and obsessed with people, and sometimes I wonder if I married for all the wrong reasons, that this person was a 'special interest' rather than 'love'... or is that what love actually is? Are 'special interests' or obsessions and love actually the same thing, endorphins, hormones, dopamine, oxytocin, or are they something different? The thought actually disturbs me quite a lot, because it makes me feel that I shouldn't be in the relationship and that I'm in it for all the wrong reasons, that I'm deceiving him. I hope this makes sense.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, it makes sense, because I am in that kind of relationship and it is my love for God and that my husband often surprises the heck out of me ( in a good way), that helps me to keep right on going with my marriage. Not bad going for 26 years.

I did the fatal thing of going for looks, over personality. I mean, my husband does have a personality, but even he admits, he misses the mark and so, I am not saying anything out of turn.

I was bowled over by his looks. He was all that I had read about, when I got obsessed with Mills and Boons ( stupid romantic books). I was 13 when I started reading them. The idea of: tall, dark and handsome was my "ideal" man and I met him and was shocked to the core, when he admitted feeling the same about me ( I am not: tall, dark and handsome)

The truth is, that I was pushing what my subconscious was telling me about our relationship, because I was terribly alone. My entire family had gone against me and this man offered to love and protect me and I grabbed that with my entire life. The trouble is, my husband takes after his mother and she was incredably competitive and that is my husband's personality. He compares everything between us, which just does not leave any room for support.

Always get to know the man first and I mean: get to know him! If you get any disquitening thoughts about him, you NEED to listen to those, because it is your subconscious talking to you. I pushed my thoughts away and now, have no choice, because I love my Creator too much, to walk away and actually, I do love my husband. He is very dear to me and I could NEVER walk away and forget him. It would always be: how is he doing? Is he feeding himself? Etc etc and so, wisdom says: work together and we do have some fun times and he does make me laugh and I can make him laugh.

We are now making time to play scrabble and the other day, I finally won, because I am learning to be competitive. He is so damn smug when he wins, it causes me to want to thrash the hide off him lol

 

[Progster]

I was bowled over by his looks. He was all that I had read about, when I got obsessed with Mills and Boons ( stupid romantic books). I was 13 when I started reading them. The idea of: tall, dark and handsome was my "ideal" man and I met him and was shocked to the core, when he admitted feeling the same about me ( I am not: tall, dark and handsome)

For me it wasn't looks that attracted me to him, but his personality and that we seemed to be on the same wavelength about many things. He was looking for someone to connect with on a deeper level, to have intelligent conversation with, to share experiences with, and I was looking for the same, in my few previous relationships I hadn't really connected, I kind of panicked when it started to get serious and I bailed out.

 

[Sofi]

I don't have much experience with relationships (any experience I do have ended) but I can relate to getting 'obsessed' and developing special interests with people. Sometimes when I have an 'obsession' with a person, I'm worried what my feelings actually mean - if they are romantic feelings or just a special interest or some other kind of underlying psychological problem and it can be quite worrying, so I think I can relate to your situation. I would worry about getting into a relationship with a person in case the obsession eventually passed.

I don't think I've ever had the traditional romantic feelings, like feeling attracted to someones looks or sexually attracted to someone. That worries me too because it seems the vast majority of people do and I don't know why I don't. So I guess any feelings I would have about a person was more of a special interest.
A therapist (and friends) have told me I might prefer a platonic relationship, where two people just live together and support each other but are more like close friends.

 

[OkRad]

Yes,this happened to me. I thought it WAS love till I realized that those most stable people I know did not "love" like this.......

I stay away from relationships now. Last year I fell terribly in love, but it was different. But the other person did not feel the same, so I had to suck it up. It really hurt because it was a long time, and they led me along......

 

[Judge]

I think it's fair to agree that people do get married for a variety of reasons which may be outside the realm of love itself. Whether this happens consciously or not....is anyone's guess.

And then there's a question of love itself. Is it love or something else driving a relationship whether it involves marriage or not. Wondering how, when and where we may misinterpret our feelings as love when it's really something else.

Though it's also a human trait to sacrifice one's freedom for a sense of security. Cant help but wonder how often that may enter such an equation.

So many possible alternative explanations. A very valid, yet disturbing question the OP poses.

 

[Progster]

I don't think I've ever had the traditional romantic feelings, like feeling attracted to someones looks or sexually attracted to someone.

That's how I feel too, and I now wonder whether what I felt was actually ever romantic love as other people experience it, or an obsession. Perhaps I confused one with the other. I don't know that I experienced love in the same way that other people do. Perhaps I never experienced love.

As for sex, I never really liked it, I certainly never experienced that as other people say they experience it, I was never interested in it. I'm sensitive and actually, I don't like being touched in those places. It was never this wonderful emotional experience for me that people claim it is, I just don't get this at all. In fact, it's pretty yucky.

A therapist (and friends) have told me I might prefer a platonic relationship, where two people just live together and support each other but are more like close friends.

This is how the relationship is now, since learning that I'm on the spectrum. I felt that I couldn't cope with such intimacy any more. I suggested that we go our separate ways because I don't want to be selfish, I worry that I can't give him what he needs, emotionally or otherwise, but he wanted us to stay together. We are very good friends, now have a platonic relationship and are happy to continue in this manner. I guess that, as @Judge says, there are many things that drive a relationship and reasons why one can last and keep working.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

For me,sort of...

If I was to dissect a human and label all its parts
I would know a lot more about it
But it wouldnt be breathing.

So, that's my position on analysing love.

But its like a thousand things but at some stage how do you manage tne predictable part, the boring part?
I try not to think ahead sometimes, as it can be that I could write a script ahead of time and know what is going to be said but I wait patiently for the process.
But not always.
Additionally accepting that you're not going to be understood can be hard.

So thousands of individual things mostly pluses, some minuses...

 

[Sonicwarrior]

It's normal for people to become attached or obsessed with other people that they admire. However, you must draw a line and avoid becoming too attached or too obsessed otherwise that will make you vulnerable and weak. If you are infatuated with someone, be upfront and tell them how you feel... there's a 50\50 chance that they will accept your invitation or tell you to get lost. I would rather avoid it altogether.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes,this happened to me. I thought it WAS love till I realized that those most stable people I know did not "love" like this.......

I stay away from relationships now. Last year I fell terribly in love, but it was different. But the other person did not feel the same, so I had to suck it up. It really hurt because it was a long time, and they led me along......

Was this the same guy you were posting about? The one you were not sure of by his actions?

 

[pjcnet]

It's totally different because so called "love" of a partner is based on our basic animal instinct to claim a mate so as to reproduce and of course there's also sexual attraction involved as well as pheromones, yes people on the autistic spectrum are more likely to get obsessive and attached, but it's not unusual for NTs to get obsessive and attached in relationships too, it's also part of our instinct to find and stay with a mate. My special interest has been computers since the age of 10 when I was introduced to them in 1979, but I hardly think there's any sexual attraction or similar feeling of "love", well I suppose there might be for a few unusual individuals and sex dolls are apparently becoming more life like which are likely to lead towards sex robots / androids, but it's not quite the same for the vast majority of people lol! I hope not anyway as otherwise this could happen:

So don't date robots / androids.

 

[OkRad]

Was this the same guy you were posting about? The one you were not sure of by his actions?

You bet. I would certainly never go through THAT again! hahaa. Never again. I learned a very very deep lesson. I am glad I learned it now so I can learn from it. I will be very safe next time. And no one got hurt, so............

 

[Suzanne]

You bet. I would certainly never go through THAT again! hahaa. Never again. I learned a very very deep lesson. I am glad I learned it now so I can learn from it. I will be very safe next time. And no one got hurt, so............

I wish you all the best OkRad, on that journey of not being "touched" again and if you are able to control your thoughts and emotions, then, indeed, you will succeed in doing just that. But, be warned if you are unable to, because we are human beings, not robots and thus, that means we do get "touched" deeply when that special person comes along.