once we became aware that I really did have a light/moderate case of Aspergers, my wife's opinion/respect for my opinion and mental capacity seemed to take a big hit. It was like all of a sudden she did not take it very seriously, because after all I was somewhat autistic.
She seemed to instantly forget the many years I had functioned successfully in a career (military) and as Husband/Dad.
I'm experiencing a degree of this, now that my dx is official. I don't think my DH minimizes my abilities so much as he's simply trying to understand what I really can or can't do comfortably, and he's resorting to minimal expectations rather than overshooting it...if that makes sense? But it's frustrating at the same time.
There are a bunch of issues that make this hard, but also a lot of things that make it worthwhile. I think the hardest thing for him is the fact that my sensory sensitivities have kicked into high gear the past couple of years. His primary "love language" is touch, and I just can't go there much right now.
The hardest thing for me...is feeling so alone inside. I'm aware enough to read other people's body language and facial expressions. I can see what pleasure they experience from being with other people. And I've wanted that for myself as long as I can remember. I've studied psychology and relationships and everything, and tried to learn how to emulate the behaviors that seem to result in people experiencing the joys of being with others. But it doesn't work that way for me. Interaction with people is not inherently pleasurable for me, no matter how many social skills I master. There
are rewards...
something keeps me engaged on some level, even if it's just naive hope or dogged commitment. And I enjoy seeing other people pleased with something I've done for them--I enjoy being useful. But I don't enjoy the interactions themselves, even though I want to.
What would make the relationship easier for you and how can I be more understanding?
I think, if my DH can understand that I really do love him, that my aversion to lots of interaction is
not an indication that I don't love him, that would help me feel more secure in the relationship.
For me, love is less about the warm fuzzies and more about things like commitment, kindness, wanting you to have what you want in life, accomplishing significant goals with each other, working well as a team, while also having lots of time for personal growth and exploration (e.g., "alone time" or personal hobbies or whatever).
If he's angry or sad, and I give him space, that's because that's what I would want, and I can't quite imagine that anything else would be particularly useful or comforting. At the same time, I want to learn what he needs. But it's hard for him to imagine that anyone
wouldn't know these things, so he's resistant to detailing out what he would prefer. And then it's awkward, because I don't want to
do those things just out of obligation, either. I need time to figure out how to incorporate that information in a way that feels authentic for me. I
will take the information to heart. I just need time to process it.
Basically, I think what helps in an AS/NT relationship is realizing that you're both functioning from very different paradigms, especially when it comes to emotions. But so long as you're both committed
and open to communicating clearly, waiting patiently, and accepting that there will continue to be significant differences in the ways you experience the world, the relationship can still work. Like I said, there are a lot of
good things about a neurodiverse relationship, too, and specifically about being in a relationship with an aspie (although being autistic does
not guarantee that the person has personal integrity and respectable character...that's an individual thing).
