Ameriblush
Violin player.
Lately I've been having flashbacks of the days when I got bullied in school. They range from the typical teasing, to having things thrown at me, gossiped about, falsely accused of vandalism, being called mentally challenged, 'roasted' by the entire classroom when I had done nothing wrong or didn't say anything at all, and eventually ignore by adults when I complained and after that, beaten up.
It got to the point where I threw a chair at another student's face, I made plans to bring weapons to school, I became suicidal for awhile, and I became a giant whiny misanthrope who blamed everything on my parents, my ancestors, my friends, my country, my generation, my gender, etc, and threatened to never go to college.
I became afraid of making certain face expressions, talking louder than a whisper, moving in a certain way, or looking at anybody because it seemed like anything I did to signify that I existed caught my bullies' attention and made them make fun of me. I was made fun of for everything ranging from my hair, clothes, face, teeth, voice, introversion, shyness, skinny-ness, skin color, smile, walk style, running style, virgin status (this was in MIDDLE/HIGH SCHOOL FOR CHRISSAKE).
I was accused of being homosexual for awhile because of my close friendship with a friend who was the same gender as I was and was the subject of lewd questions for a short time. I was thought of as mentally challenged because of my low grade scores in math, my introversion, my voice, and my mannerisms. I also had this uncomfortable habit of laughing at something funny I had witnessed earlier in the middle of class and doing a poor job hiding it, so I was mocked continuously, even by strangers walking down the street or the sidewalk.
I couldn't escape at home, either.
People threatened to follow me home and knew where I lived to beat me up and kill me, and I heard giggling from classmates when I bumped into them at the grocery store with my parents. Kids would make jokes about shooting me or said I was smoking weed or getting biblical with some other "undesirable" in the school who was often in special ed or disabled. A boy in a wheelchair was asked if he wanted to date me, and he jokingly sped off screaming. I wanted to die slowly and painfully.
Teachers somehow never believed me, accused me of being sensitive or igniting it, saying both parties were wrong, lying about it, doing it for attention, and even considered me mentally insane because I complained about someone talking about me behind me, and they thought I was hearing voices.
I am not even joking.
They thought. I was. Hearing. Mother. Effing. Voices. And the idiotic, misbegotten, brainless piles of dog waste called my parents and said that. Understandably, they were raging at the phone.
To this day it all still bothers me because I never got justice. It didn't stop until the 3rd year of high school. I never got to beat up any of my bullies. The only saving grace came when one of them suddenly came up to me in the high school library one day and apologized for some of the children's behavior then.
I accepted it, and thought it was strange since he was one of the lesser tormentors. I felt better about that, but even with that, even with the fact that most of them grew out of the phase, even though I gained a decent gang of friends by the end of high school, I'm still disturbed by it. Why was I sought out? Why did the adults victim blame me? Why did I not get screened for autism earlier? Would I have gotten a better education if I did?
I realized alot of my bad grades were related to my aspergers and my bullying. Thinking about this, I rage at the system and wonder how much better my life would have been if people had noticed the signs. My parents screamed at me at the time for being lazy, ignorant, b*tchy, forgetful, being just like my mother (who was a hoarder and abusive) trifling, 'what's wrong with you', 'focus', 'stop making up excuses', 'you're just not trying hard enough' etc. I've internalized it to eingeladen point where I'm currently failing college, and I blamed myself for everything I've been doing wrong.
I am even reluctant for asking for accomodations, because my grandparents will simply say I'm taking the easy way out, or its all in my head. They got p*ssed at me when my ocd exploded and i started checking outlets and ovens and claimed I simply wasn't trying hard enough to suppress it. When I told them I might have narcolepsy, I lied and said a staff member at school recommended me to get checked by a doctor, because if I said I had my own fears about it, they'd ignore me.
Heck, I had an infection once and felt it, and they were reluctant to arrange a doctor's appointment for a week. I went, they didn't find anything immediately, and concluded that I was a hypochondriac. Days later they found signs of a raging infestation and gave me pills.
All of these things make me hate my life and hate everyone in it. It's distracting me from my work, and I just want to give up and do something else. I'm frequent told I'm just a quitter, and have gotten screamed at in the name of 'tough love', only for it on succeed in making me feel like a bigger c*nt than ever before. I feel like the current system I'm in is broken and im wasting time. I don't know what to do anymore.
It got to the point where I threw a chair at another student's face, I made plans to bring weapons to school, I became suicidal for awhile, and I became a giant whiny misanthrope who blamed everything on my parents, my ancestors, my friends, my country, my generation, my gender, etc, and threatened to never go to college.
I became afraid of making certain face expressions, talking louder than a whisper, moving in a certain way, or looking at anybody because it seemed like anything I did to signify that I existed caught my bullies' attention and made them make fun of me. I was made fun of for everything ranging from my hair, clothes, face, teeth, voice, introversion, shyness, skinny-ness, skin color, smile, walk style, running style, virgin status (this was in MIDDLE/HIGH SCHOOL FOR CHRISSAKE).
I was accused of being homosexual for awhile because of my close friendship with a friend who was the same gender as I was and was the subject of lewd questions for a short time. I was thought of as mentally challenged because of my low grade scores in math, my introversion, my voice, and my mannerisms. I also had this uncomfortable habit of laughing at something funny I had witnessed earlier in the middle of class and doing a poor job hiding it, so I was mocked continuously, even by strangers walking down the street or the sidewalk.
I couldn't escape at home, either.
People threatened to follow me home and knew where I lived to beat me up and kill me, and I heard giggling from classmates when I bumped into them at the grocery store with my parents. Kids would make jokes about shooting me or said I was smoking weed or getting biblical with some other "undesirable" in the school who was often in special ed or disabled. A boy in a wheelchair was asked if he wanted to date me, and he jokingly sped off screaming. I wanted to die slowly and painfully.
Teachers somehow never believed me, accused me of being sensitive or igniting it, saying both parties were wrong, lying about it, doing it for attention, and even considered me mentally insane because I complained about someone talking about me behind me, and they thought I was hearing voices.
I am not even joking.
They thought. I was. Hearing. Mother. Effing. Voices. And the idiotic, misbegotten, brainless piles of dog waste called my parents and said that. Understandably, they were raging at the phone.
To this day it all still bothers me because I never got justice. It didn't stop until the 3rd year of high school. I never got to beat up any of my bullies. The only saving grace came when one of them suddenly came up to me in the high school library one day and apologized for some of the children's behavior then.
I accepted it, and thought it was strange since he was one of the lesser tormentors. I felt better about that, but even with that, even with the fact that most of them grew out of the phase, even though I gained a decent gang of friends by the end of high school, I'm still disturbed by it. Why was I sought out? Why did the adults victim blame me? Why did I not get screened for autism earlier? Would I have gotten a better education if I did?
I realized alot of my bad grades were related to my aspergers and my bullying. Thinking about this, I rage at the system and wonder how much better my life would have been if people had noticed the signs. My parents screamed at me at the time for being lazy, ignorant, b*tchy, forgetful, being just like my mother (who was a hoarder and abusive) trifling, 'what's wrong with you', 'focus', 'stop making up excuses', 'you're just not trying hard enough' etc. I've internalized it to eingeladen point where I'm currently failing college, and I blamed myself for everything I've been doing wrong.
I am even reluctant for asking for accomodations, because my grandparents will simply say I'm taking the easy way out, or its all in my head. They got p*ssed at me when my ocd exploded and i started checking outlets and ovens and claimed I simply wasn't trying hard enough to suppress it. When I told them I might have narcolepsy, I lied and said a staff member at school recommended me to get checked by a doctor, because if I said I had my own fears about it, they'd ignore me.
Heck, I had an infection once and felt it, and they were reluctant to arrange a doctor's appointment for a week. I went, they didn't find anything immediately, and concluded that I was a hypochondriac. Days later they found signs of a raging infestation and gave me pills.
All of these things make me hate my life and hate everyone in it. It's distracting me from my work, and I just want to give up and do something else. I'm frequent told I'm just a quitter, and have gotten screamed at in the name of 'tough love', only for it on succeed in making me feel like a bigger c*nt than ever before. I feel like the current system I'm in is broken and im wasting time. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm learning to be no nonsense, but it's a long road. OCD thought looping doesn't help though, which means trying to think of a means to get through somehow...
I've heard of that once before, and I like the sound of it now! Just thinking about it helps a little.
