Removing the mask to try and find yourself...how do you do it?

[looking for community]

I was diagnosed this year in my 30s with ASD/Asperger's. Since childhood I knew that there was something different about how I interacted with others and the behaviors that I wanted to engage in weren't 'socially acceptable' and often was the subject of me being yelled at by my father. Through trial and error (a lot of error) I realized what behaviors were ok and which ones weren't. I have developed what I call a 'rolodex' of information that I draw from in any given situation and hope that the card I choose matches with the scenario and apply those rules laid out in the 'rolodex' in order to navigate everyday life. Its exhausting.

Recently my therapist encouraged me to be ok with who I am and what I want to do/what makes me happy in order to be ok with me as a person and as a person who has ASD. But with how many layers of 'I'd better do this or I'm going to get yelled at' that I have built up over the years, I am unsure of how to remove those layers and find out who I am underneath the mask and what actions/behaviors will make me happy and which are merely part of the mask. I think that this is a good idea and will lead to a better me.

I am curious if anyone else has struggled with this and how they went about removing their ASD/Asperger's mask (at least in private) in order to find out who they are at the core?

 

[Crossbreed]

I am curious if anyone else has struggled with this and how they went about removing their ASD/Asperger's mask (at least in private) in order to find out who they are at the core?

There are many layers to that process and even NTs don't have it all sorted out (for themselves).

At the most basic level, I would say to find a (safe, legal & affordable) hobby* that you can get excited about and let you inner geek out. (We still need to maintain decorum in our professional lives, but that isn't 24/7.)

*For me that was figure drawing and (many) corollary interests.

 

[Giraffes]

Hi prehaps you could drip by drip 'uncover' and 'discover' the real you starting with a person (if you have one' whom you trust and are comfortable with.

 

[Kalinychta]

People with autism generally only mask when they’re around other people. When we’re alone, we don’t mask; there’s no reason to. So to answer your question, I would say you should examine who you are when you’re by yourself: what you like to do, what you think about, etc.

 

[Thinx]

Hi and welcome. Yes we were talking on another thread about that effect of how your actual parents were, making an impact as you grow up, whether you are neurotypical or autistic. Some parents are less negative and less harsh, less extreme and less dismissive or aggressive to their children. Unfortunately that wasn't your experience.

Plus there's the possibility sometimes that a parent's behaviours were also affected by autism and the confusion it can bring. I hope you will find it useful to be here as you expand your understanding of yourself and take your therapists excellent advice, also though, taking care who you trust with the information that you have autism, it's not well understood and can get negative reactions from others.

 

[Wolfsage]

If it helps. Read some books. See if any of yourself is reflected in the characters. If you agree with their choices or actions.

 

[Mia]

I know what you mean about not understanding who you are. Being a son, or a sibling, or a student or working at a job.

When I was at school I was a student, at home I was a daughter, when I did sports I was a gymnast or a cyclist for example. That gave me something to identify with. Yet I felt like a blank personality who did things to fit in with others.

Later on in my life, when there was time I began to discover things about myself. And even look at things differently. I decided what I liked and didn't like about people I knew. Began to do things like drawing, cycling, again. Discovered I liked to spend time alone after work, to recover from the day or the week. Spent the weekends doing things I liked to do, reading, watching movies, walking.

Spent a lot of time thinking, trying to get back something missing from who I used to be, away from the influence of others. Before school, work, and family took over my life. It's a lifelong process, looking for that. Some people find it in sports, hobbies, keeping journals, art, travel, talk therapy. It's discovering what and where and how that journey or quest goes on.

 

[Finder]

Welcome.

It is hard. Not all those behaviors are bad either. I think it starts with being able to forgive yourself and accept your autism. I found this a very good place to start:

Acceptance as a Well Being Practice

 

[looking for community]

I know what you mean about not understanding who you are. Being a son, or a sibling, or a student or working at a job.

When I was at school I was a student, at home I was a daughter, when I did sports I was a gymnast or a cyclist for example. That gave me something to identify with. Yet I felt like a blank personality who did things to fit in with others.

Later on in my life, when there was time I began to discover things about myself. And even look at things differently. I decided what I liked and didn't like about people I knew. Began to do things like drawing, cycling, again. Discovered I liked to spend time alone after work, to recover from the day or the week. Spent the weekends doing things I liked to do, reading, watching movies, walking.

Spent a lot of time thinking, trying to get back something missing from who I used to be. Before school, work, and family took over my life. It's a lifelong process, looking for that. Some people find it in sports, hobbies, keeping journals, art, travel, talk therapy. It's discovering what and where and how that journey or quest goes on.

Thank you for the wonderfully written response. What you mentioned is almost word-for-word what my current therapists suggested I do. The trick, of course, it chipping away at what I have done 'just to fit in' and what I really enjoy. Certain aspects have become so enmeshed that it may be hard to separate. But your words give me some kind of hope that it can happen and it could leave to a more positive me.

 

[looking for community]

There are many layers to that process and even NTs don't have it all sorted out (for themselves).

At the most basic level, I would say to find a (safe, legal & affordable) hobby* that you can get excited about and let you inner geek out. (We still need to maintain decorum in our professional lives, but that isn't 24/7.)

*For me that was figure drawing and (many) corollary interests.

Thanks for the suggestion!! I've been in school and working a 40-hour work week so long that I need to get a hobby anyway in order to stave off the boredom...especially during the winter.

 

[looking for community]

Welcome.

It is hard. Not all those behaviors are bad either. I think it starts with being able to forgive yourself and accept your autism. I found this a very good place to start:

Acceptance as a Well Being Practice

Thank you for the link! I will give it a serious read. I have found that a lot of people on this site are not only friendly/helpful but are willing to share resources.

 

[Gracey]

Am loving the Rolodex description

I too have files kept in mental storage. Mostly pictures, some audio and the equivalent of very short video clips.

My reaction or response to some repeated situations and experiences have been practised so often, over many years,
I believe they've become an automatic, habitual response.
- (I no longer have to search for the appropriate 'file' or Rolodex card every time)

I couldn't tease that automatic reaction away from my basic self,
even if I wanted to.
Its become hard wired into 'me'

So, if you're searching for your 'raw' Aspie self, the natural, unafraid, unconditionally loved young child,
you may spend the rest of your natural life time trying both to find, and then to be it
(Too many layers and habits to remove)
- also, some of those managing or coping techniques are useful out there in the big wide world.
Can switch them on when we feel we need to. Seems a shame to lose them.

Perhaps work on gaining some confidence and self esteem?
Work on acceptance of who you are, now.
Find an interest that excites and delights you.
Always know that you're a loveable and worthwhile person.
(and should anyone try to have you believe anything contrary,
send them my way, I'll 'explain' it to them )

Best of luck in your search

 

[Mia]

The trick, of course, it chipping away at what I have done 'just to fit in' and what I really enjoy. Certain aspects have become so enmeshed that it may be hard to separate.

One of the things I did for years was related to finding ideas in process for commercial art. I used it in a different way. Every day I wrote on a large white board things I liked and didn't like, people, animals, words, plants, food, concepts, ideas from books, usually in the morning before I went to work or on the way to work or school. At night I looked at the board and condensed it to just a few things that seemed familar.

Did it every day, and by the end of the week I had a compilation of ten or so words. I used those, and began to look for patterns. Every week I narrowed down the ideas to just a few. And from weeks to months I looked at them, thought about them, every day for short periods. Sometimes, I stayed with one board, for weeks, looking for patterns, looking for clues to self.

You ask yourself, does liking a certain movie or type of music, identifying with a character from a book, liking spaghetti, existentialism, or the colour blue indicate anything about yourself? It does, it coalesces into something the longer you consider it. The choices we make individually without too much influence do indicate something about who we are.

 

[looking for community]

One of the things I did for years was related to finding ideas in process for commerical art. I used it in a different way. Every day I wrote on a large white board things I liked and didn't like, people, animals, words, plants, food, concepts, ideas from books, usually in the morning before I went to work or on the way to work or school. At night I looked at the board and condensed it to just a few things that seemed familar.

Did it every day, and by the end of the week I had a compilation of ten or so words. I used those, and began to look for patterns. Every week I narrowed down the ideas to just a few. And from weeks to months I looked at them, thought about them, every day for short periods. Sometimes, I stayed with one board, for weeks, looking for patterns, looking for clues to self.

You ask yourself, does liking a certain movie or type of music, identifying with a character from a book, liking spagetti, existentialism, or the colour blue indicate anything about yourself? It does, it coalesces into something the longer you consider it. The choices we make individually without influence do indicate something about who we are.

That actually sounds like a really neat idea. Plus, if I'm able to identify those things that make me happy out of it/things that I like to avoid or make me uncomfortable I could make my home life a haven for myself as a break from the 'real world'.