Resentment towards my friend

[AprilR]

I have noticed that while trying to be amiable and friendly i have ignored some of my boundaries. I have only one friend and since i dont want to lose her, i try to be amiable to her ideas about going on dates, meeting new people. Since i am not good socially, i started to see her as a mentor of sorts. Except..

Recently i have started to notice that she is also NOT a good judge of character at all. She introduced me to some of her friends (both men) and i did not like them. She however typically insists i should get to know people and not judge early.
The problem is we really don't see eye to eye in a lot of ways. She tends to like people who are not trustworthy and hurt her. I told her this multiple times and she says i think too badly of people.

The thing i don't understand is, she has more social instinct than me, so why does she not see the truth?

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that she insists i MUST have a relationship. That men are created for women and vice versa. She does not know i am autistic but i dont think that matters. Whether i want someone in my life is my business and i do not want her to meddle. But i feel a pressure to act amiable to her and give people a chance even though i dont trust or lke those people at all

I keep these things inside me since i am too scared that she will stop being friends with me if i am honest. But at the same time all of this created a bit of resentment towards her

 

[Judge]

Perhaps your friend is just another one who is enamored with "bad boys". Men with a rebellious nature which makes them attractive to certain women. Which sometimes can amount to what I call "risky business".

And my guess is that's the sort of difference between you and her that isn't likely going to be reconciled. Perhaps the best you can do is not to resent her, but certainly to "pass" on her suggestions for potential dates.

 

[agateboy]

I believe to some extent people on the spectrum are better able to sense un trust worthy people because they may display a lot of similar masking qualities as someone on the spectrum and other people are in able to realize this.

 

[Chailatte_]

I have noticed that while trying to be amiable and friendly i have ignored some of my boundaries. I have only one friend and since i dont want to lose her, i try to be amiable to her ideas about going on dates, meeting new people. Since i am not good socially, i started to see her as a mentor of sorts. Except..

Recently i have started to notice that she is also NOT a good judge of character at all. She introduced me to some of her friends (both men) and i did not like them. She however typically insists i should get to know people and not judge early.
The problem is we really don't see eye to eye in a lot of ways. She tends to like people who are not trustworthy and hurt her. I told her this multiple times and she says i think too badly of people.

The thing i don't understand is, she has more social instinct than me, so why does she not see the truth?

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that she insists i MUST have a relationship. That men are created for women and vice versa. She does not know i am autistic but i dont think that matters. Whether i want someone in my life is my business and i do not want her to meddle. But i feel a pressure to act amiable to her and give people a chance even though i dont trust or lke those people at all

I keep these things inside me since i am too scared that she will stop being friends with me if i am honest. But at the same time all of this created a bit of resentment towards her

First: "I don't want to generate panic or false anxieties, but if you feel that these men are potentially dangerous and go beyond the bad boy appearance, you should tell your friend for both your sake and hers."

Second: "You should still tell your friend for your long-term and short-term well-being (you're adding unnecessary stress to your already stressful life, especially since you're on the spectrum and everything is already more stressful)."

Additionally: "I want to emphasize that good, transparent communication and respect for each other's thoughts are the foundation of a healthy and lasting friendship. If someone forces you to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry to say it, but it's not respectful towards you and it's not healthy."

"We all, as human beings, have our beliefs, convictions, and thought patterns based on past experiences and our cultural background. Coexistence and respect are the pillars of respectful and mutual living. Therefore, respect is a duty."

 

[Rodafina]

I also support the idea of creating those boundaries now. If it is too late and having boundaries now drives your friend away from you, then I think that is a loss you have to be ready for. I, too have been in a situation in life where I really only had one friend or none at all and so I made poor choices about what I would put up with from others. Once someone shows that they will disregard your boundaries, your desires, and your opinions, they become less and less of a friend.

I think it’s worth it to try to explain to your friend that you know yourself well, you know what you do and do not want, and you would like your friendship to be about other things besides meeting men and focusing on potential partners.

 

[Tom]

Relationships, I think, are both the best and worst of possibilities. Always trust your own instincts on what would be good and what would be bad for you. The blind date sort of thing never worked out for me. I need to get to know the person and be known by the person in advance.

Choose wisely and you likely will not have anything to regret.

 

[The Pandector]

I have noticed that while trying to be amiable and friendly i have ignored some of my boundaries. I have only one friend and since i dont want to lose her, i try to be amiable to her ideas about going on dates, meeting new people. Since i am not good socially, i started to see her as a mentor of sorts. Except..

Recently i have started to notice that she is also NOT a good judge of character at all. She introduced me to some of her friends (both men) and i did not like them. She however typically insists i should get to know people and not judge early.
The problem is we really don't see eye to eye in a lot of ways. She tends to like people who are not trustworthy and hurt her. I told her this multiple times and she says i think too badly of people.

The thing i don't understand is, she has more social instinct than me, so why does she not see the truth?

Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is that she insists i MUST have a relationship. That men are created for women and vice versa. She does not know i am autistic but i dont think that matters. Whether i want someone in my life is my business and i do not want her to meddle. But i feel a pressure to act amiable to her and give people a chance even though i dont trust or lke those people at all

I keep these things inside me since i am too scared that she will stop being friends with me if i am honest. But at the same time all of this created a bit of resentment towards her

Along a different vein…
You feel you should acknowledge the fact that your friend has greater social skills than you do. It makes a sort of sense.

When I look out the window of my personal asylum, I see a whole lot of people being carried off in nonsensical and dangerous directions by a social instinct that is out of control. Of course, they think their excesses are just what people do. Drugs, social media, easy sex; examples of people strung out badly on their social instincts.

Although I didn’t self diagnose until recently, I recognized early on the dangers of going along to get along. Spent my life consciously trying to avoid anything I thought was stupid, which was a lot of stuff. Glad to report, I avoided a lot of evil.

Sad to say, I have had very few friends in life. People want to hang, apparently, with people who don’t opine that their intentions are stupid. Go figure. You’d think they’d appreciate the heads-up.

So, I recommend keeping friends who won’t steer you into a ditch. These will probably be the ones who respect your opinion as much as you respect theirs. If holding your own line bothers them much, you might want to move them into the buddy or acquaintance categories.

Obviously, I’m not convinced a strong social instinct is necessarily a better social instinct.

 

[Aspychata]

I coddled a friend, because l didn't have many in my area. She had questionable behaviors. Like serial dating. I just said goodbye to her. But l get that your friend maybe fun to go out with. You need to draw the line at getting involved with her thrift finds. It's not your job to babysit men. When her and l went out, we pretty much drew a lot of attention, people were obsessed about us. She is very attractive, l draw some attention myself, so it's nice. But it doesn't excuse her not honoring my boundaries.

 

[Au Naturel]

i should get to know people and not judge early

That is the line you will get from any socially active person, whether they are healthy in socializing or not. Social people cannot imagine life any other way. They went batty during the COVID lockdown. (I secretly enjoyed it.)

I suspect she needs a particular level and kind of socialization, and she is so anxious to get it that she lets her judgment lapse. Either accept who she is and get good at saying "No. But thank you for the suggestion." Or you put some distance between you and her.