Responding to women being forward.

[nerfburglar]

At my work I don't talk much. I'm there to kill time before class and make some money. But somehow I've managed to to attract the attention of a coworker and my boss. At this point I think they must have thought I was playing hard to get, and the nice words I took at face value became touches and innuendo.

I really feel uncomfortable with this, especially at work. I don't know how to respond to it, make it stop, or move forward with them.

 

[Owliet]

At this point I think they must have thought I was playing hard to get, and the nice words I took at face value became touches and innuendo.

I really feel uncomfortable with this, especially at work.

sometimes people forget that other people have a threshold for their boundary of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. If it’s too much for you, tell them that they’re going too far and it makes you uncomfortable.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

At my work I don't talk much. I'm there to kill time before class and make some money. But somehow I've managed to to attract the attention of a coworker and my boss. At this point I think they must have thought I was playing hard to get, and the nice words I took at face value became touches and innuendo.

I really feel uncomfortable with this, especially at work. I don't know how to respond to it, make it stop, or move forward with them.

i can hardly & barely do that to some of the women i encounter whether in any of the neighborhoods i lived in,my current one,in the subway station or on the subway,smh .

 

[Tom]

Make them fight in the arena for you. If the boss wins, also ask for a raise.

 

[Thinx]

If they both do this at times when all 3 of you are there, could be they are kind of joking with you? Flirting as a way of having fun? Hard to know. Could you talk about a fictional girlfriend? Say you're engaged? I guess some fibs are OK if they are making you uncomfortable with this behaviour....

 

[Magna]

If they both do this at times when all 3 of you are there, could be they are kind of joking with you? Flirting as a way of having fun? Hard to know. Could you talk about a fictional girlfriend? Say you're engaged? I guess some fibs are OK if they are making you uncomfortable with this behaviour....

One test I like to use since rules need to apply to everyone equally regardless of sex/gender:

Would the situation be considered ok, accepted, appropriate, etc if the boss was a man, the coworker was a man and they were directing the joking or flirting as a way of having fun and the recipient, a woman, was put off by it? Generally the reaction to that scenario would be that it would not be appropriate for the men and that they're overstepping work boundaries/behaving in a way that isn't appropriate in a work setting in this day and age. Rule needs to apply the same here as well with the woman as the initiators of the "flirting".

I think society is getting better about things like this for both sexes/genders, etc because there's an awareness now that wasn't there in the past. There's still a long way to go in relation to respecting women and also a long way to go in doing away with the acceptance of double standards toward men (e.g. on social media it's still considered acceptable for women to make fun of men's anatomy or lack thereof but it's rightly not socially acceptable for men to make fun of various parts of women's anatomy.). There should be no double standards, period.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

When I was young, handsome and fit,......but also married, I too had a few situations like this over the years. My strategy was to simply not give them the attention they want. Still be nice, polite, respectful,...but when it comes to the forward comments, flirting, and touching,...be a total "cold fish" and not respond to it, like literally pretend it isn't happening. In my experience, they are "testing their boundaries" and trying to see if you are going to respond positively to their advances. If you ignore them,...they will loose interest,...and yes, they will gossip with their friends how "clueless" you are.

Now, if you do want to respond positively,...because these are co-workers and a boss,...you have to be careful with that. Sure, workplace romances do occur,...and sometimes they do lead to marriage,...but sometimes they also lead to break-ups and social tension that often drives one, the other, or both from employment.

However you want to play that game, just be careful.

 

[Owliet]

Why do I never take my own advice....

sometimes people forget that other people have a threshold for their boundary of what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. If it’s too much for you, tell them that they’re going too far and it makes you uncomfortable.

...As someone who has just made this mistake of flirting pretty hard, then realized how badly she’s just messed up, sometimes people get caught in the moment. It’s not an excuse but sometimes people don’t actually realize or know unless they have a dawning of realization or that they have pushed too far. Just tell your colleagues that it’s too far, they may not fully realize.

 

[nerfburglar]

Some details I thought I should add, this is at popeyes and they are rather laissez faire as far as rules. I was actually thinking of asking the boss for a raise because I'd overheard her calling me a hard worker to the other management. Then all in the same day, she looked me right in the eyes and started talking about my eyes, sent me out to food for everyone, and then, in a narrow part of the kitchen, she backed into my hand.

 

[1ForAll]

It sounds like it could be sexual harassment to me. Document everything for your records for future legal use if need be (the touches, innuendos, the words they say that are out of line, including the dates they happened, and who said and did such, etc) that they made and which makes you feel uncomfortable those times, as it sounds like creepy behaviors and a progression of very inappropriate things towards you, from what I see.

State to them nicely that you are just trying to get ready for your work, and you can think, focus and work better when certain remarks and actions are not made in your presence. Tell them you would appreciate it if they would respect your boundaries and not attempt to get too close, as it makes you uncomfortable and distracts you from doing your job. I would have a small hidden recorder that picks up conversations clearly as well, to verify your claims, their words, conversations, actions and reactions, and your efforts to stop that stuff.

If all else fails, hire a lawyer, that deals in workplace harassment, as you cannot assume any police and employer would empathize with you, or admit any wrong there, as they often do not empathize with certain abuse victims and want to hide certain things under the table, as they see no harm in it. Often it is easier to blame the victims, and to minimize that abuse and harassment, and to make light of it, than to hold the others accountable. Abuse and harassment is perpetrated by persons of all ages, gender, races, nationalities, and regardless of social status.

At minimum, record things, as mentioned, if you worry about losing your job over making such a formal or informal complaint right now. Also, tell any close friends and family about this and what those work persons have been and are doing to you to make you very uncomfortable. Be specific in those details to those you trust, and hopefully they will be supportive of you. At least, those persons could act as a potential witness(es). I just know both men and women are being harassed in both professional and non-professional settings. The more we do not hold those responsible, the more it will continue.

 

[1ForAll]

I just want to mention that women have grabbed my behind more than once over the years. And I never thought about legal action or harassment. It did not cross my mind. I don`t think we should turn this into a legal matter, a woman might like him. Is that really a huge problem nowadays? When I was young, we guys wanted women to flirt with us, it was not a problem.

I disagree. Who cares if the woman likes him, if he is uncomfortable? That is irrelevant, as he never said he was interested in a friend or partner there. That is like saying, "If a man likes a woman at a job, and does touchy things and makes ongoing insensitive or flirty remarks, she should accept it as he likes her." Sorry, but harassment is harassment, regardless if it's from a male or woman. If he tells her he wants it to stop and if it continues, and if he is uncomfortable, I would hire a lawyer the next day, if it affected my work ability.

 

[Au Naturel]

At my work I don't talk much. I'm there to kill time before class and make some money. But somehow I've managed to to attract the attention of a coworker and my boss. At this point I think they must have thought I was playing hard to get, and the nice words I took at face value became touches and innuendo.

I really feel uncomfortable with this, especially at work. I don't know how to respond to it, make it stop, or move forward with them.

LOL! Guys often don't get taken as seriously in this regard. You're walking in a minefield here. Stick to the straight and narrow. As mentioned before, record everything. If something makes you uncomfortable, say it nicely and politely. Record their responses. I wouldn't go to HR unless that didn't solve the problem.

Office romance is a dangerous game to play. Yet that is how many people meet their partners. If I were interested, I wouldn't have a problem nicely asking the coworker out as long as you are equals. (Lunch, break, before or after work. Don't ask during work time!) But the boss has all the advantages and it isn't fair to you.

 

[Aspychata]

Wear a wedding ring at your next job.

Kitchens are small, so don't work in such places unless you are prepared for that. I had a chef completely come up spoon style on me at my last job. But for 99% of the time, he was proper. This also happened to me at Red Lobster, the GM walked right up on the back of me. But he hired me (he interviewed my girls instead of looking me in the eyes). That was it with him too, no other issues. Seems to be a recurring bad dream. Lol. The hospitality industry is wrought with crass people.

 

[Jordy]

At my work I don't talk much. I'm there to kill time before class and make some money. But somehow I've managed to to attract the attention of a coworker and my boss. At this point I think they must have thought I was playing hard to get, and the nice words I took at face value became touches and innuendo.

I really feel uncomfortable with this, especially at work. I don't know how to respond to it, make it stop, or move forward with them.

They are probably playing with you, long inappropriate stares at some of their body parts anytime they do this would make them uncomfortable enough to stop their behavior.

 

[OkRad]

I DESPISE that crap and it goes with any gender. When you want to be left alone and people don't like that, they intrude. They start to touch. Be very careful because if you do not stop it, they will keep it up. Tell them you don't like to be touched. Sometimes just voicing it makes them turn red with shame. It will stop but you have to stop it. Like @phantom said, it could turn into a game with you as the kickball. Fun for them, harm to you. Idiots! If telling them to stop doesn't work, go above them and have their superiors tell them to stop touching you. If THAT doesn't work, next time they touch you fall down screaming or yell OUCH! QUIT THAT like it hurts. They will never do it again because they won't know if it really hurt or not. Total idiots.

My answer was based on the fact you said you wanted it to stop, but let me add that if you liked it or were interested or were not sure, you could simply ask in a stern way, "What's with all the touching?" If they DO like you, they would not be offended and say, "Well, I like you!" But if they are just being jerks, they will say something stupid like, "It's just a touch!" or "Nothing! Just being friendly!"

But if you want it to stop, try all sorts of things, but make it stop because stuff like that lingers on if you don't end it.

 

[nerfburglar]

I'm not pursuing legal action. Besides, I'm pretty sure I've scared both of them off by now. It's helped my confidence though. I'd almost given up on ever some a relationship some years ago. It is kind of depressing that this is only happening after I've lost 100 lbs, but that's the way world is I suppose. Sorry if I'm scattered in my explanation. Its good to have found this community.

 

[Luca]

I have a pretty big butt and boobs to be quite frank and I’ve had a lot of guys grope me in nightclubs… not very pleasant from a female perspective either

So I totally understand being uncomfortable. I hope this issue can be resolved for you so your workplace becomes less stressful.

 

[Aspychata]

I have a pretty big butt and boobs to be quite frank and I’ve had a lot of guys grope me in nightclubs… not very pleasant from a female perspective either

So I totally understand being uncomfortable. I hope this issue can be resolved for you so your workplace becomes less stressful.

Sorry to hear this. Groping is very bad.

 

[Suzette]

"Ladies, I can't tell if you are joking with me or not. But lets keep it professional. Thanks!"

Good luck!

 

[Aspychata]

"Ladies, I can't tell if you are joking with me or not. But lets keep it professional. Thanks!"

Good luck!

Sorry. This has happened my entire life to me. It's not something l expected to deal with in my lifetime. If l named everything that has happened, you will tell me l made it up. That's how bad it is. I want to support crewlucaa. Perhaps our words aren't correct but it doesn't diminish our situation.

I feel sorry it happened to the OP. The only reason l described what happen to me is because you really can't complain about it because the men didn't actually touch me. Does it make it right? Nope.