response from family members to coming out about autism

[Sab]

Hey, I’m a recent self-diagnosed aspie and I was wondering if any of you wanted to share what it was like to «come out» to your family about discovering you were on the spectrum. It’s been pretty hard for me to have these conversations with my mom. She is responding in very invalidating and hurtful ways. She seemed more curious and open to understanding that part of my identity at first, but now it seems like she’s just in denial of it. And it feels really hard, since we’re pretty close, and it feels like there’s a big part of who I am that she is just not open to hearing about or curious to understand. I know that it might be a lot of information for her, and that there might be guilt on her part for not realizing and being able to meet my needs when I was growing up. Did any of you experience something similar?

 

[Fino]

"You are NOT autistic."

I was also never depressed or suicidal, even if I almost killed myself, "just tired."

Never anxious, "just different."

I didn't hate school because of bullying, it was because I'm, "too smart."

BPD="just stressed"

Self-harm=didn't happen. What are the scars from? Who knows?

So I guess my official diagnosis is, "tired, different, too smart, and stressed."

Good thing I take a lot of medication for this terrifying disease! TDTDS!

 

[Progster]

I was wondering if any of you wanted to share what it was like to «come out» to your family about discovering you were on the spectrum.

I said to my mum, "do you think I might have Asperger's?" She didn't know what Asperger's was, so I gave her some links to adult and female symptoms. I asked her again two weeks later, and said that yes, she thought I had it, and then told me that autism had been suspected when I was a child, but the GP said he didn't think I had it, because I could talk, was smart and didn't have the more severe symptoms of classic autism. She apologised because she felt that she should have looked into it more.

 

[Ginseng]

Sorry Fino. I wanted to laugh because of the way you presented it. I know the truth of that though. The pain is indescribable. To not be heard and validated by those who are supposed to know us and care about us is the depth of pain. I feel this way in therapy. My therapist can't hear me.

 

[Bedlamite]

and that there might be guilt

Maybe! But, her "quilt" may not be in how she raised you but in subsequently realizing she is the one that gave birth to you. Have you lovingly "assured" her that having autistic traits is not her fault?

 

[Pats]

I was 58 when diagnosed, both parents are gone. Siblings couldn't accept it - when I would give them traits they'd say, that's just who you are. WHAT!?! Let's make this more confusing to me. All these autistic traits is who I am but I'm not autistic?
My kids accepted it pretty easily. My youngest son thought for a few seconds and said, "Yes, I can see that." (Of course they lived in the same house with me.) Well, guess my siblings did, too.

 

[Autistamatic]

"No way any son of mine's got a syndrome" my father said as he tore up the letter confirming my diagnosis.
That was 35 years ago and nothing ever changed.

 

[Sid Delicious]

Everyone has a set 'role' in their family hierarchy and it's incredibly difficult to change how people view you and all the events that took place over the years. So getting your mother to suddenly alter her perspective is going to take some doing. You may have to be patient.

 

[Loren]

My parents were not surprised, as, in early childhood I had been diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, Tourette syndrom and language processing disorder, and OCD and other anxiety disorders in late childhood. What helped them the most, to put everything into perspective, was the book, Aspergirls, by Rudy Simone. The book described me and many of my traits, from childhood to the present, to a t.

 

[Loren]

I'm sorry to read of the harsh experiences many have had in this thread, and wish they had gone differently. It is heartbreaking to find that people you've grown to care about, have been treated in the ways that you have described. @Fino, I inadvertently rated your post 'useful', but had thought I clicked on the heart. I'm sorry if you had received an alert for that, and hope you realized if was a mistake. I dont think Ive ever done that, before, or, at least I hope I havent. I'm sorry.

 

[Fino]

I'm sorry to read of the harsh experiences many have had in this thread, and wish they had gone differently. It is heartbreaking to find that people you've grown to care about, have been treated in the ways that you have described. @Fino, I inadvertently rated your post 'useful', but had thought I clicked on the heart. I'm sorry if you had received an alert for that, and hope you realized if was a mistake. I dont think Ive ever done that, before, or, at least I hope I havent. I'm sorry.

I never saw it! I only ever saw three "friendly".

 

[Monachopia]

I told my dad in passing on the phone about my doctor giving that diagnosis and at first he seemed a little apprehensive, but then sort of shrugged and said "What is - is, can't really change it" (in Russian it was more of a humorous phrase though) and the topic never came up again. xD Then again, he has signs of light ASD, but I don't think he ever looked into it for himself.
I told my sister and she looked into it and realised she's very likely on the spectrum too. Looks like it just runs strongly in our genetics, so it isn't a massively big surprise. We're all oddballs.

 

[Loren]

I never saw it! I only ever saw three "friendly".

So glad to know!

 

[Loren]

I told my dad in passing on the phone about my doctor giving that diagnosis and at first he seemed a little apprehensive, but then sort of shrugged and said "What is - is, can't really change it" (in Russian it was more of a humorous phrase though) and the topic never came up again. xD Then again, he has signs of light ASD, but I don't think he ever looked into it for himself.
I told my sister and she looked into it and realised she's very likely on the spectrum too. Looks like it just runs strongly in our genetics, so it isn't a massively big surprise. We're all oddballs.

The same is true in my family. My Dad, for one, fits the criteria for AS.

 

[china autie]

Nothing "bad" ever happens in my family.
Being autistic is "bad."
Didn't happen.

Sigh.

 

[TempeFan]

When she found out, the woman assigned to raise me made one half hearted attempt to "fix" me, by handing me a storybook about an autistic maid who always did exactly what she was told instead of what everybody else wanted and expected - just like I did. If only they would have read it before handing it to me, they would have understood the part about them needing to start communicating in a way that all could understand and everybody would have lived happily ever after. Unfortunately, bestowing a book with a happy ending but no explainantion didn't magically turn me NT, so she just settled on spending her every waking moment hating and punishing and reminding me on a daily basis that everything I did or said was wrong because I was worthless. My HFA was the best kept family secret for over 50 years. That's why I didn't even know until it came out last year and I was expelled from that toxic family. What a relief!

 

[Sab]

Maybe! But, her "quilt" may not be in how she raised you but in subsequently realizing she is the one that gave birth to you. Have you lovingly "assured" her that having autistic traits is not her fault?

She's been feeling guilty about the way she parented my sibling and I for some time (even before I mentionned autism to her), because she wasn't very emotionaly present when we were growing up (due to her own mental health stuff). I think that maybe she feels guilty for not realizing that I had specific needs + I was blamed and punished a lot for my behavior (which when I look back was my way of communicating those needs). We both talked about my dad having autistic traits and she recognized neurodiversity in my dad and other family members on my dad's side (without calling it autism or AS). I don't think she feels like it's her fault that I have autistic traits.

 

[Sab]

Everyone has a set 'role' in their family hierarchy and it's incredibly difficult to change how people view you and all the events that took place over the years. So getting your mother to suddenly alter her perspective is going to take some doing. You may have to be patient.

Yeah I feel like it might be a matter of time. My sibling thinks that it might be a lot for her because it means looking back at her life with a new lense, all the memories of when I was growing up - also her relationship with my dad (who shares autistic traits and might potentially be on the spectrum).

 

[Sab]

My parents were not surprised, as, in early childhood I had been diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, Tourette syndrom and language processing disorder, and OCD and other anxiety disorders in late childhood. What helped them the most, to put everything into perspective, was the book, Aspergirls, by Rudy Simone. The book described me and many of my traits, from childhood to the present, to a t.

Thanks Loren! I'll check out that book. I was thinking of sending her articles and videos. I feel like she has a very stereotypical idea of what autism is and that it could help her better understand the diversity of autistic realities. I think that she's not yet to the point of expressing curiosity about my experience though, she hasn't asked me to share about it to better understand.

 

[LadyBird84]

A combination of what @Sab and @Fino said.
Also my mom (she likes to talk about people) often says 'X is a little bit autistic because she didn't like it when we changed plans last minute'. I've tried to explain to her that's not how it works.