Responses and Reactions

[Outdated]

Due to the way I grew up a lot of my responses to different situations seem strange to most people and the way they react to that often confuses me. A lot of the time I will always look to myself for answers instead of going to others for help simply because of the experience of this confusion. A natural tendency to mask and always appear normal when in public also doesn’t help in some cases.

I used to ride a bicycle to work in North Melbourne from South Melbourne, past The MCG, past The Cenotaph, and past a beautiful college for military officer's cadets, a wonderful bluestone building with bluestone walls around it's grounds. I rode past it every morning, one morning there was roadworks so I went up on the footpath to get around it with no time loss. As I passed the front gate of the school a big 4WD with a big bull bar came out of the school grounds doing about 60 Km/h, the impact threw me more than 5 metres, clean out onto the bitumen in the middle of the road.

It was a very hard hit, believe me, I've had a few. I don't remember the actual impact, just all of a sudden I was face down on the bitumen in the middle of the road. My body went through exactly the same sort of series of tests that a computer does when it first starts up. Neck is OK, good, we're not dead. Right hand? Yes. Fingers? Yes. Left hand? Yes. Fingers? Yes. I was very hurt, I took my time and went through every limb and appendage assessing damage before I even attempted to get up.

What saved my humour at the time was an old lady from across the road, she was always out watering her Begonias at that time and I used to smile and nod at her every morning. She come running over and the first voice I heard was hers, "I seen it. I seen it all. You didn't toot your horn!", she was having a go at the woman who had hit me. I managed to get back to my feet, "It's OK, I'm not hurt!". Students and a few teachers started gathering around, the woman that had hit me started to get embarrassed, to this day I swear that that is the only reason she felt obliged to help, her own sons were watching.

She told me that I had to get in her car so she could take me to see a doctor, calmly and quietly I said, "No, you're wrong." She said "You have to get in the car, I have to take you to a doctor!". Out came the rich baritone voice deliberately projected so that the surrounding students and teachers could hear every word clearly, "Right now I am very angry with you lady, the only thing holding my temper in check is the fact that there's a whole heap of kids watching. You very seriously do no want me in the car with you!" For emphasis I grabbed my crumpled bike and used my hands and knee to bend it back in to shape.

She said "But you have to let me do something to help you." My temper flared and so did the richness and volume of that voice, I'd be surprised if her eardrums weren't damaged, "Yes! Learn the bloody lesson!"

I went to work after that and apologised for being late. That night I went to the pub feeling very sore and a little sorry for myself, I told everyone about being hit by a car but none of them seemed to take much notice, feeling sorry for myself never achieved much.

A few days later I was in the pub drinking and the bar manager, Andrew, pulled me to one side. He said "Andrew, you've got to go and see a doctor, you've got Jaundice.". I laughed, "Bugger off idiot.", he said "No, really. Look in the mirror, your skin's gone all yellow.". I said to him "Check my eyes, they're not yellow are they? I told you the other day I got hit by a car, the yellow is the bruising.". "!!!!!" he said, "We just thought you were being a bit of a whinger. How much of your body is like that?". "All of it except my ribs and knee." I told him and pulled up my singlet to show him, "They're still black.".

 

[Crossbreed]

A few days later I was in the pub drinking and the bar manager, Andrew, pulled me to one side. He said "Andrew, you've got to go and see a doctor, you've got Jaundice.".

It is neat that he cared enough to speak up.

 

[Outdated]

It is neat that he cared enough to speak up.

It was an absolutely wonderful little community I was living in then. South Melbourne was pretty much a fashion hub and an intense business district hosting a lot of graphic design and marketing houses, which was very specifically why I wanted to live there at the time.

After business hours when all the plastic people had gone home it was sort of like a little country town lost amidst the concrete. I had a great time there and have a lot of fantastic memories from that time.

 

[Progster]

I had a similar experience once. I was walking on a paved area, not on the road but next to the road, and there was a parked van belonging to the butcher's shop on it, and as I walked behind it, it suddenly reversed and knocked me over backwards, hitting my head on the pavement.

I also checked that all systems were all working, and as I did so, the guy in the van obviously hadn't seen me and proceeded to reverse again. Luckily the guy in the shop saw me at this point and rushed out to stop the van guy from reversing. He stopped, and then got out to see what had happened. He wanted to take me to the health centre, but I didn't want to go and said I'd go home. But when I got up, I felt very dizzy and had to sit down again and ended up being taken to the health centre.

My partner at the time was furious, and started to say he was going to take him to court but oddly enough I didn't feel any anger towards him. I certainly didn't want to take him to court. Perhaps I hadn't really processed it, idk. I didn't want any fuss made over it. I realised that I was in his blind spot and the accident was his fault, not mine, as it was a pedestrian area and not on the road. So I just said, be careful in future, always check before you reverse. I think he learned his lesson.

 

[Outdated]

I didn't want any fuss made over it.

That was really my biggest concern at the time too. There's a part that's the automated mask - everything's good, I'm cool. There's also the routine thing and not liking plans being interrupted - having to go see a doctor would have caused me more stress than going to work as I had planned. And having to deal with a unique situation that I could not pre-plan for, the thought of sitting in that woman's car while she poured sympathy over me was unbearable.

But when I went to the pub I was looking for sympathy, from all my friends, the people that I knew cared about me. Yet my masking interfered with that because to their eyes it looked like there was nothing wrong with me.

[Edit] interesting side note - that desperate and constant demand to always appear normal is partly responsible for the rehabilitation of my knee, I stoved it in downhill skiing when I was in my early 20s. I had no health cover and had to just do the rehab exercises myself. I have no limp and not too much of an impediment as long as I maintain constant awareness of it. I had to learn to force it to behave normally and then make that become habit again.

 

[Progster]

There's also the routine thing and not liking plans being interrupted - having to go see a doctor would have caused me more stress than going to work as I had planned. And having to deal with a unique situation that I could not pre-plan for

Yes, this was the main reason why I didn't want to go to the health centre. I just wanted to carry on as normal.

 

[ChrisCRISPR]

@Outdated this might sound silly but to me you are a really strong individual. I don't know necessarily why I do it but sometimes I snap and yell at the people around me and push them away too. I don't think twice about it in the moment but I'll often end up feeling guilty afterwards. Somehow though in reading your words, I really feel like I understand why you did it. You display a great deal of self-reliance and I find that very admirable. I enjoy your posts and look forward to learning more from you.

 

[Outdated]

I enjoy your posts and look forward to learning more from you.

That's incredibly kind of you to say, thank you.

It takes a bit to make me lose my cool, when I do it's usually pretty brutal but once I've said my piece it's done and dusted and that's the end of it. I think a lot of this was from growing up in one of those rough neigbourhoods at the lower end of the socio-economic ladder. To show any sign of weakness was to invite predators and easily losing your temper was one of those signs.

A lot of my life has been pretty rough, but because of this I know what good times are. I've had far more good times than bad overall so I reckon I'm on a good wicket.

 

[Rodafina]

I think it’s an interesting but predictable reaction of the woman who hit you to nearly demand that you allow her to help. The feeling of guilt & embarrassment propels one to seek relief from it, and it is often put upon the one who has been hurt to assuage the guilt. “You must do this so that I can feel better about the problem that I have caused.” Profuse and aggressive apologizing can force one to become the comforter and say, “it’s okay.” Clearly you didn’t fall into this trap, but I just recognize it as interesting human behavior.

 

[MildredHubble]

I think I need to work on my reactions to certain situations. When I say that, I'd imagine some people immediately assume that means that I overreact etc. But actually it's been pointed out that I'm too tolerant, people say "you need to learn to show people you can lose your temper more."

I suspect years of being gaslit by my mother and others causes me to keep my powder a little too dry when people have a try at disrespecting my boundaries, or doing things they shouldn't. Showing a negative emotion was not permitted. Strangely that rule didn't apply to her.

I guess my worry is that I might over compensate when I "bare my teeth" and end up genuinely overreacting to something and somehow losing the moral high ground. Human interactions are darned confusing sometimes. There seems to be layers of machinations that I struggle to understand. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Hopefully it does.

 

[Outdated]

I don't know if that makes sense or not. Hopefully it does.

Having truly blown my stack a few times I discovered that I'm not an animal, I don't lose my sense of self or my morality, but people certainly understand when they've pushed me too far.

 

[MildredHubble]

Having truly blown my stack a few times I discovered that I'm not an animal, I don't lose my sense of self or my morality, but people certainly understand when they've pushed me too far.

I have on a few occasions done the same. It tends to be after many transgressions, eventually, I will lose my temper a little. But even then probably not enough. I suppose I tend to assume that I caused the problem somehow. When really the problem is that I should have asserted myself much earlier.

Oddly, perversely, this has lead to people accusing me of having a short temper. When this occurs I have started to ask them to give me one example in say the last six months where I've lost my temper. No one has successfully managed to win that challenge!

 

[Progster]

I'm prone to frustration meltdowns. Better now as an adult, but when I was a kid it was a problem. I'll be seemingly fine and then something just snaps. The proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. I need to avoid situations or activities in which I might become frustrated.

 

[Outdated]

I'm prone to frustration meltdowns.

I'm not so prone although they do happen. One of the big differences I've noticed between myself and many other high functioning people is my ego, and I believe that is what allows me to cope with so much more than others.

I'm by no means an extrovert but I have no self doubt and I'm not very self conscious. I am sensitive to other people's thoughts but I value my own opinion of myself far more highly than theirs. So when I get amongst people I'm quite talkative and a bit of a show off, and I can also be quite flirtatious without being crass or crude. For the most part people respond well to me and I enjoy what I'm doing.

That of course changes when I'm going through a period of depression, when my own sense of self worth is diminished then so is my ability to cope with everything around me.

I always thought being trade trained was responsible for my ego, that because I was so confident in my abilities in the work place that that confidence flowed over in to the rest of my life. I have since talked to many autistic trades people who didn't develop the same ego, so maybe part of it's just me too.