Romantic interest

[onlything]

So, today about finding a romantic interest or rather - about how not to find it.

Literally.

What I'm asking for is how to be friendly, to males especially, while not invoking their sexual interest, or simpler - how to be nice, look neat but without any sexual appeal at all. It was easier when I was younger - I would just glare and scowl at them and it easily put them off. However, it wouldn't bring me any friends, now would it? And I do want to be rather friendly with people, at least at work. What is the problem is that, sooner or later, almost all males in the department want to have a sexual intercourse with me or, at times, a full-time relationship which I am not interested in at all. Friendly outings and talking is fine but I do not seek anything that they want to get from me. Since I neither want nor can deliver what they expect, I end up hurting a lot of people.

I don't like it.

It also makes me anxious. As of now, all of the males I know from work have some kind of 'nickname' for me like 'baby', 'darling', etc. and no, it's not used towards any other woman at work. They try to touch me as well, hands, arms, legs. Ask me about me having or not a boyfriend. Some, the younger ones, even call my name/nickname of their choosing and when I look at them they smile and say 'Nothing!', or they pull my hair or slap me with a towel on my butt(and how childish is that?!).

I smile, stay friendly and 'oblivious' by it is uncomfortable for me. I asked them to stop but was ignored so far and I don't to press so as not to be seen as 'rude and antisocial'.

I simply don't want another sexual assault in my workplace, that's all. I don't want sex or a relationship, that's it. My head is enough of a mess and everyone seems to want to be my boyfriend/lover and it's frustrating. I want to be left alone.

Maybe I will start wearing LGBT colors but it would bring its own share of problems.

 

[mw2530]

I'm not sure what job you have, but that type of behavior from men would certainly not be tolerated by anyone at my job. You are the victim of some pretty serious sexual harassment. You cannot tolerate this. Even if you are just looking for friends, these people do not have the qualities one would look for in a friend. These men are pigs. I am a man and this **** pisses me off.

 

[onlything]

I'm not sure what job you have, but that type of behavior from men would certainly not be tolerated by anyone at my job. You are the victim of some pretty serious sexual harassment. You cannot tolerate this. Even if you are just looking for friends, these people do not have the qualities one would look for in a friend. These men are pigs. I am a man and this **** pisses me off.

I'm looking for surviving at my job without nervous breakdown. I found one with fine salary and some perks and seeing how many times I have lost a job in the last year I don't want to change it again. Anyway, those that ignore my lack of comfort are not many, others respect it, and I see them at most three days per week. Still, even if they stop after I ask them, they still first did it, so it makes me feel at risk. It's not only my job though, university is similar and I need a way to ensure that I don't wear baggy clothes and scowl at everyone but feel moderately safe at the same time. At times, I really have an impression that I am a piece of meat, not a person.

I know that I may look sexually appealing but I really regret that I don't work with more homosexual men. These were always best male aquintances I had.

It is just tiring, even if men just look at me with these eyes that I learnt mean that they are interested.

 

[Ambi]

You can't control whether a man is attracted to you or not - or even if he just wants to mentally objectify you or not. Workplace policies and human resources can/should control if they act out on it. If your company doesn't do that - and it sounds like they don't - then the only way to avoid that kind of threatening behavior there is to find a more respectful workplace culture somewhere else.

Aspie women can inadvertently send out signals - or fail to send signals - that result in more intrusions and attention from men like this (as you mentioned they aren't behaving this way with other women). And your reactions are not telling them to stop - smiling, staying friendly and trying to be oblivious are sabotaging you further, they are interpreting it either as you like it or are okay with it or that you are too insecure to do anything about it, so they can get away with it. When you just ask them to stop but don't press it because you worry about seeming rude/anti-social - that's not enough of a "no" to be effective. If you stay on this track, yes, this kind of response from you to these interactions is marking you out as an easy target. You've got to step things up in seriousness - not only your own responses, but also talk to your manager, HR, etc. If you can't resolve it that way, you will have to find a new job somewhere else and not allow these kinds of behaviors to start again at the new place.

I have often sent out the wrong signals, or failed to send out the right ones - from my teens on through my early thirties. I was just much more naive than other women, I was also less socially skilled then them - so I wasn't good at preventing/dealing with it.

Even now, I am too nice to men, in a way...? I don't know. But basically, older men very often develop crushes on me, and it can get really inappropriate before I have to end the whole situation. So I'm still figuring this out, too - but not like what you are describing - that is just too extreme, if anything ever got physical, I stopped that train drastically.

 

[the_tortoise]

It also makes me anxious. As of now, all of the males I know from work have some kind of 'nickname' for me like 'baby', 'darling', etc. and no, it's not used towards any other woman at work. They try to touch me as well, hands, arms, legs. Ask me about me having or not a boyfriend. Some, the younger ones, even call my name/nickname of their choosing and when I look at them they smile and say 'Nothing!', or they pull my hair or slap me with a towel on my butt(and how childish is that?!).

If my coworkers routinely tried to touch me, slap my butt and call me sexually-charged nicknames I would FREAK OUT. I would demand they stop immediately and if they did not then human resources or a supervisor would be receiving a letter with a detailed log of every incident. If human resources / supervisor did nothing to stop it I would be quitting my job.

What you describe is blatant sexual harrassment -- it's way over the line and nobody should have to put up with it.

The problem is not that your coworkers find you attractive, the problem is that your coworkers think it's okay to treat you like a sexual object.

 

[onlything]

You can't control whether a man is attracted to you or not - or even if he just wants to mentally objectify you or not. Workplace policies and human resources can/should control if they act out on it. If your company doesn't do that - and it sounds like they don't - then the only way to avoid that kind of threatening behavior there is to find a more respectful workplace culture somewhere else.

Aspie women can inadvertently send out signals - or fail to send signals - that result in more intrusions and attention from men like this (as you mentioned they aren't behaving this way with other women). And your reactions are not telling them to stop - smiling, staying friendly and trying to be oblivious are sabotaging you further, they are interpreting it either as you like it or are okay with it or that you are too insecure to do anything about it, so they can get away with it. When you just ask them to stop but don't press it because you worry about seeming rude/anti-social - that's not enough of a "no" to be effective. If you stay on this track, yes, this kind of response from you to these interactions is marking you out as an easy target. You've got to step things up in seriousness - not only your own responses, but also talk to your manager, HR, etc. If you can't resolve it that way, you will have to find a new job somewhere else and not allow these kinds of behaviors to start again at the new place.

I haven't dealt with this at work, but I have often sent out the wrong signals, or failed to send out the right ones - from my teens on through my early thirties. I was just much more naive than other women, I was also less socially skilled then them - so I wasn't good at preventing/dealing with it.

Do you know what kind of signals are these? I want to send a signal that I am not interested but what signal is it?

 

[onlything]

...
I'm really tired of life at the moment. Eh.

 

[MeatHammer]

...
I'm really tired of life at the moment. Eh.

treat them the same they treat you

 

[onlything]

treat them the same they treat you

I don't intend to slap people on their butts and call them darlings lol.

 

[MeatHammer]

I don't intend to slap people on their butts and call them darlings lol.

record it and send it to the police

 

[Keigan]

In the US, at the Federal level - all you have to do is tell them to STOP. Anything further is sexual harassment.

Talk to HR.

 

[SusanLR]

treat them the same they treat you

That may not be your way @onlything , but what few times I've had male co-workers act like pigs, I piggied back.
I've got the enough of a no care attitude to do it and it does work.
They will no longer see you as a sex object, but rather a tough, tom-boyish equal and that is a real turn off to guys like that.

 

[Streetwise]

So, today about finding a romantic interest or rather - about how not to find it.

Literally.

What I'm asking for is how to be friendly, to males especially, while not invoking their sexual interest, or simpler - how to be nice, look neat but without any sexual appeal at all. It was easier when I was younger - I would just glare and scowl at them and it easily put them off. However, it wouldn't bring me any friends, now would it? And I do want to be rather friendly with people, at least at work. What is the problem is that, sooner or later, almost all males in the department want to have a sexual intercourse with me or, at times, a full-time relationship which I am not interested in at all. Friendly outings and talking is fine but I do not seek anything that they want to get from me. Since I neither want nor can deliver what they expect, I end up hurting a lot of people.

I don't like it.

It also makes me anxious. As of now, all of the males I know from work have some kind of 'nickname' for me like 'baby', 'darling', etc. and no, it's not used towards any other woman at work. They try to touch me as well, hands, arms, legs. Ask me about me having or not a boyfriend. Some, the younger ones, even call my name/nickname of their choosing and when I look at them they smile and say 'Nothing!', or they pull my hair or slap me with a towel on my butt(and how childish is that?!).

I smile, stay friendly and 'oblivious' by it is uncomfortable for me. I asked them to stop but was ignored so far and I don't to press so as not to be seen as 'rude and antisocial'.

I simply don't want another sexual assault in my workplace, that's all. I don't want sex or a relationship, that's it. My head is enough of a mess and everyone seems to want to be my boyfriend/lover and it's frustrating. I want to be left alone.

Maybe I will start wearing LGBT colors but it would bring its own share of problems.

To me it's sexual harassment can't say anything else

 

[Sabrina]

When I feel that I am in a similar situation (unsure or suspicious of the intentions of a guy, wether I know him or not) I veer the conversation and say something that includes the word “my husband” (sounds pathetic, but it works magic).

My advice: LIE . Start mentioning your (fake) boyfriend every time you can, and voilà, magic! Think of it as protecting yourself while keeping your job.

Don’t feel bad about lying to them, since they don’t feel bad about making you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Fitzo]

With all of the current focus on inappropriate sexual harassment by men in the workplace, there's never been a better time to put boundaries in place and be really clear about what is stepping over the line. You really need to just be very clear with these people about what you are uncomfortable with. If someone does something unacceptable you need to look them in the eye (even if that's uncomfortable) and say you are sick of putting up with this and if they do it again you will report them to HR or your boss. Don't smile or in any way indicate you are not deadly serious. News will travel pretty fast that you've had enough. No one wants a complaint of sexual harassment made against them, especially in the current climate. The only person who can stop this is you.

 

[pjcnet]

I agree it's sexual harassment, as a man myself I will state that men can't help who they're attracted to, BUT they can choose if or how they act on it. I see attractive women virtually every time I go out, but I don't sexually harass them and the same was true when I was at work, I used to see loads of attractive women, but if anyone dared to cross the line they knew they'd be in severe trouble and any sort of sexual harassment would have meant instant suspension followed by an official disciplinary hearing that would have almost certainly ended in dismissal.

I'm afraid it's not really sexual harassment if a man only politely asks you out once, if no-one ever asked anyone out there wouldn't be many relationships, but they should always respect your answer and leave you be if you're not interested. They should then continue to treat you with respect in your employment because if they caused you any issue after saying "no" it's also sexual harassment as you're being punished for refusing their advances which is putting unfair pressure on you. If a man did chose to ask you out however it shouldn't really be during works time and obviously there should never ever be any kind of touching or other unwanted sexual advance as this is definitely harassment and may even be classed as sexual assault which is a very serious criminal offence.

Your employers obviously aren't enforcing the rules that should be strictly set in any place of employment, but it also sounds like there's quite a few immature men as honestly not all men act this way. I am speculating, but it sounds like you've become a challenge since you're obviously very attractive and yet unobtainable, it's totally wrong, but the men appear to be showing off to each other in a kind of face off, E.g. who is able to be the first to achieve the almost impossible and win your affection? You've wrongfully become a type of entertainment for the men that has gone too far and because each man is seeing everyone else acting inappropriately they are incorrectly thinking that it's acceptable for them to act inappropriately too. The right thing to do is to report it to management as this should not the tolerated under any circumstances, but doing the right thing isn't always the easiest and if the management aren't professional it could potentially cause you more issues, I understand how difficult this must be for you and it's extremely unfair. If management didn't deal with it properly and appropriately however they could also end up in trouble. If you don't feel comfortable speaking to management yourself I would seek outside employment support and advice to help.

 

[Tom]

It sounds like you might have to fight fire with fire. Be pleasant to those who are respectful. But to those that come on to you in some way, turn cold and utterly professional. If its not about the job, cut it off.

 

[Mathalamus]

the best thing you can do, is avoid everyone who makes you feel uncomfortable. they probably aren't worth being friends with, anyway. you can always threaten to report them to HR/the boss/or the police, if they insist on carrying on with it.

you will, however, encounter males who actually do just want to be friends, or otherwise be perfectly respectful of you. keep them.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I've been guilty of calling men 'darling' or other names, if I'm honest. But I don't regard that as sexual harrassment and wouldn't be offended if/when they do it back. Flirting and 'banter' (as we call it in the UK) seems to just be a part of workplace culture in a lot of offices. No one I know takes it seriously. It just passes the time and makes it more fun to spend 5 days a week with the same people in the same place.

However, if they are actually grabbing you and/or you have been very clear that their comments are making you uncomfortable and they continue to make them, then I would speak to your supervisor or HR. Most people know where the line is and will immediately stop if you make it clear that you are unhappy. A few people don't and knowingly take things too far.

A different approach would be to dress like a bag lady (no make up, no heels, long skirts, long baggy tops/jumpers, etc) or, as a last resort, tell them you are gay and have no interest in men. I have done both in the past when certain men I worked with switched from creepy to downright stalkerish! The latter method got rid of them very quickly and their egos weren't damaged. I went from 'female colleague who is a challenge to get into my bed' to 'honorary male colleague who won't mind lad jokes and can talk about cars and tech'!

 

[Ambi]

Do you know what kind of signals are these? I want to send a signal that I am not interested but what signal is it?

I'm sorry, but I think it's way more complicated than I could attempt to explain in a post - and I'm a bad person to attempt it, because I'm still learning myself. BUT...with that said, I think it could be very helpful for you to read or listen to videos more about proper boundaries. I think that would be the central issue here, and any other issues that might be uncovered in the process.