[cont]
If this is at all helpful, I was thinking that it might be worth starting a thread about the situation here, only if talking about it is something you feel up to, you may end up with some good advice.
Might as well take up this offer, figuring it would fit in this thread.
So last winter, I see this person on YouTube who had a very striking body shape, and begin watching the videos, which were by then over 100. I find she is very interesting, as she began the vlog chronicling her own personal journeys, and then people begin sending in topic requests, which she covered. She turned out to be a bisexual, who leaned toward women, and had never gone all the way with a man. That was like "wow!"; for someone with a body like that, and "streetwise" on top of it, to be "unconquered", as I call it. Most women like that have been "used" by dozens of men and have a bunch of children by them. So that was the [first] hook for me.
While many fans are only looking at her physically, I came to admire her personality. She also has DDNOS, where she has these other personalities, but can remember them (where full-blown DID loses memory from one personality to the other). The main persona doing the videos is extremely friendly, open and inviting. But since it was not DID, I wondered if it might be explainable through Jungian concepts (shadow archetypes, etc), and saw the video persona, or another, similar one as the likely "real" person.
So I took the chance of sending a message on Facebook, where I even confided a lot of this stuff I am sharing here; explaining why I thought she was so interesting. I didn't know what to expect; but lo and behold, she was so moved, because I had obviously watched a lot of the videos and knew so much about her, and was obviously listening to her and not just drooling like other men. So that was the second hook.
I kept asking her if anything I was saying seemed weird,and she kept saying it wasn't at all! So I felt I could talk about anything! It was like "WOW; no boundaries!", which of course I always had problems with, with people.
I had not expected someone who looks like that, and was a tough "street" person, to like me so much and completely accept me.SO I was very attached. So we become friends, carrying on a private conversation, as well as me posting comments on YT and the FB wall.
Occasionally, the other personalities would come out, and some of them are totally opposite; more suspicious and avoidant. Like the an afro centric personality thought I was anti-black when I discussed how I had a hard time fitting in when the neighborhood changed. And when I mentioned typology, she feared I might be using her as a "science project experiment". Things would be going along well, but then all of a sudden, all of this stuff over several weeks would come up as confirming these suspicions.
When my wife found out about her, she flipped, assuming the worst, but then cooled down, yet still questioned it. (I've never even flirted with anyone, or done anything else and felt unfairly untrusted). When I argued back, and was saying how I liked her because of how cool a person she was, that was only taken to prove I was too attached, and it was "inappropriate". Now, the person has had this problem with other wives and girlfriends, and mentioned in videos even trying to talk to them about the situation. So I told her about it to see what she would advise, but instead of giving me the benefit other guys got, she just cut me off completely. (Unfriended and blocked on FB, blocked from commenting on YT, but Yahoo and Twitter were kept open. So I tried to fix it on both ends (arguing with my wife, and trying to get the YT girl to forgive me), but everything I did kept making things worse, and proving both of their suspicions. I had just joined this forum, and chose the avatar I did specifically because of that. The last thing she said was that I need to get my wife's "approval" and "acceptance" of the friendship for her to feel "at ease". She said she would unblock me on YT, but not FB, and she finally got around to my topic request, but hadn't unblocked me, and I couldn't even comment on it. I then gave up. She finally finished her nice new web pages, and had said I wouldn't be blocked, but I feel totally unwelcome.
THe whole "approval" thing makes me feel like a child, and both of them tell me "[she/I] was just someone online, why can't you just move on", but both of them are very sociable and can make friends easily, while I can't. So it was just totally unfair. They have me in a total double-bind by their strong feelings about each other.
So after all else I have gone though with people, I feel like I've just about had it, (which again, makes it look like I was just "too attached". But it's a whole pattern, hence why I include my whole story here).
Working through this in counseling, and studying the Jungian concepts, I realize that she represented several aspects of the "unlived life". I had totally rejected the non-Christian "world", particularly the tough urban black "street" culture, because I felt it had rejected me. Now, I longed to connect with it, and finding someone like that who seemed to accept me really clicked or resonated, and seemed to almost "make up" for teens. I married a "nice girl", fearing "bad" girls. I felt "broken" and totally emasculated as a man in "a man's world". Here's a girl who attracts the toughest guys, but never been "broken" so to speak, or "conquered" by them, and then shuts them out if they cross a line. She also seems to know how to have fun with her friends or just "doing her thing" online. I rarely did. She was a woman who was attractive and charming. I was a man who failed at what was expected from men in the culture, and from all my loved ones.
And just the feeling of being so accepted, then so rejected, once again. And also, that it seemed I was able to
give something to another "oddball" in the world who was misunderstood and frustrated by people like I was; but now I'm rejected even by the oddball!
So this person seems to embody every aspect of the "unlived life", that as my father warned, would "pass me by". (And he died last winter, also, and my wife thingks that's affecting me, but it actually seems to be dwarfed by everything else in my life, that's been coming to a head). Again, my wife understands this. But it still "proves" it was "inappropriate".
So I do not know what to do. She even caused me to finally get over the girl from teens, but has now replaced her as a new "rejection" (And this as just a friend; I really was not hoping for anything more), but it seems so typically "cruel and unusual" of my life with people. I feel a little bit better from the summer, but every day, I just feel "unfair!"
It feels like the syndrome is a "mark of Cain" that guarantees that things will always be this way with people; I always get the short end of the stick, or the harshest or at least coldest reactions. I'm now looking into "non-dual" ideas a bit, to eliminate feelings of a "deficient self" by minimizing the "separation" of "self" from "others". If self feels inferior, the way to solve that seems to be to do away with the self. This from trying to understand the nature of life better, so I can hope for something better afterward, and that it's not just "nothingness" if God turns out not to be true (since it is by "faith", and can't be proven).
I hope I'm not taking over the thread, but all of this has just been so frustrating.
