S/D Aspie long term Estranged Relationship with Father

[Jeffmoz]

I have a question for people who like me (and their parenrts) who grew up un-diagnosed and have only come to realise they may have AS later in life through self-diagnosis; as a child did you have recurring issues with one or more of your parents?

As a kid I can remember my Dad and me almost being permanently at loggerheads over one issue or another- many of them very trivial. I always blamed myself for these problems and thought in a minor way it contributed to my parents break up and subsequent divorce- but now I wonder if the AS was actually the root cause of the problem- and no matter how hard I tried to communicate or please my Dad we were just never going to be able to communicate effectively (I have also started to wonder if my Dad also had AS, as we share a number of characteristics that are regarded as indicators).

The issue is I have been estranged from my Dad now for the best part of 20 years, the only time we ever seem to meet is either happy or sad family occasions and somehow my attempts at reconciliation are never successful and actually seem to make the problems worse. Can anyone offer any advice on how this can be overcome neither me or my Dad are getting any younger and I would hate to think that one of the positives of finding out I may have AS is that we couldn?t have a better relationship for the remaining years of our lives.

Thanks.

 

[smith2267]

I think my Dad has it too.
Maybe you can correspond about a common interest. My Dad likes to play guitar, and I am taking it up too. Keep expectations low and stay away from things you disagree about.

 

[Bay]

I'm not a fan of Facebook, but it actually helped me to re-establish a connection with my brother. He hadn't spoken to me in 3 years because of something stupidly Aspie that I said (though to be fair, I said it in response to some spectacularly stupid things that he did--for what it's worth, I believe him to be an undiagnosed Aspie himself). Anyway, a few months ago I began to "like" his photos of his kids on Facebook, and he began to respond in kind. A few weeks ago he suddenly called me and tried to patch things up between us. While we are not close, we are back on warm and cordial terms again.

Might your father be on Facebook?

 

[Tarragon]

This sounds familiar. Im an aspie, and I think my dad is too. And we don't see eye to eye. it's more complicated than that too, because we don't necessarily disagree, but we both agree differently, which still leads to disagreements! Dont ask me to explain that one much more cos it makes my head go round in circles! Probably an aspie thing...

Yes, I'd say learning that I am an aspie helped immensely with the relationships I have with my family. It's slow progress, but it's progress. As for how to patch things up, I haven't a clue about that sort of thing really. But, I just wanted to support the notion that problems created before knowing the reason (aspergers) can be changed once diagnosis is made. It can't do any harm, and it's fun pointing out that because I am am aspie, the chances are he is too... It pulls people up short a little I find.

Good luck with patching things up.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I'm pretty much like you have described where my parents are concerned. Especially my mum. Me and my mum are very different people and my mum has done just about everything wrong in our relationship that you can think of. I probably haven't been the best either. I think the issue has been more that my mum has a definite view about how a girl should be and I completely don't fit into that box. Therefore my mum doesn't know how to deal with it.

I'm fairly confident dad also has asperger's. Me and my dad have had a better relationship now that I am an adult I think. I think he found it hard to relate to us as children. He would be a lot further along the spectrum than me however. He can be extremely immature and when your a teenager that's the last thing you want in a parent.

I also have a far better relationship with my family now that I live in another country. I'm going to see them in two weeks and I'm worried because last time I was in my home country the night before I left we had a massive fight. And then when they came to stay with us for my wedding that didn't go well either ... mum tried to take over and then got upset when I opposed that. So this should be fun. Three weeks alone with my family. This is either going to be good or bad ... I'm hoping its not going to be like the last few times ... though being around my family is like herding cats ...

 

[Tarragon]

Three weeks alone with my family. This is either going to be good or bad ... I'm hoping its not going to be like the last few times ... though being around my family is like herding cats ...

I absolutely LOVE the imagery of a bunch of cats being herded!! I can see them now, completely ignoring me and wandering around doing their own thing! I wonder if cats and parents aren't related somehow!

 

[Adamaspie]

Hi!

The advice I can give is from my own experience with my mother.
When I began to speak about us, trying to brake things down in order to speak about them separetaly, she did all she coudl trying to mix them up again.
It went something like this:
me: We can speak about my neurological reality, it should be spoken about, but let us do that later, let?s speak about your patterns, beacuase that is a SEPARATE problem.
her: well, your ADHD, bla, bla, bla...
So it went until I litterally got pissed of and almost forced her to listen.
When she finally, agreed to listen to what I had to say, without being able to mix things up and just listen to me breaking things down in different categories and work thriugh each category SEPARETELY, i finally got through to her and this made a HUGHE difference in our relationship.
Now, there are two things I would like to point out:
1. I am a teacher, so I am used to work through things methadologically and y??this REALLY helped me in this situation.
2. This is a extremely difficult matter as, "normal" people have the very bad habit of involving emotions in any conversation, especially is this the case, when being somewhat pressed.
This has to do with the ego (of course) and it is a very thin line to walk on.
It worked very fine for me, but every person is different and it all come down to your availability to really reach through to your father when things get rough, so to say.
Try to speak with him, but doing so breaking things down and make him understand the logic of analazing each topic apart from the other.
If this is not the case, it is too easy to fall back into old patterns that lead nowhere...
good luck.