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said I'd introduce myself so here I am

Hi. You can call me Rosie, though it's not my real name. But it's nice and I like it.

I think I might be somewhere on the autism spectrum disorder, not the "real bad one" that is visible at a first glance 'cause I function and all but I don't feel like it's like it's supposed to be. Something like being an actress from an alien planet. I could call myself an Aspie, it fits. And explains a lot.

I started considering that first when I was about to meet 10 year old daughter of an acquaintance of mine more or less 1.5 years ago. I was told that the girl is an Aspie, so I thought it best to get myself educated on the topic in order to learn what to do to make things easiest for her interacting with me. While I was reading information on Aspergers - didn't really know much about it before - I thought "hey, that sounds a lot like me". I stopped there, though. They tried to treat me for different things back then and I thought that they might know what they're doing. (They didn't.)

You see, I was never diagnosed with anything mental-based as a child or however you want to put that. My mother always stubbornly insisted that she "gave birth to a healthy and normal child" and ignored anything that could hint some issues being present. It's not that she wanted bad for me, I think it just didn't occur to her and she tends to ignore things she doesn't like. About 2 years ago I went to the doctor to figure out what is wrong with me, why I don't fit in, I was exhausted, depressed and anxious, too. I wanted to get answers "you're like this because of [insert the cause]" and "do this and that and you'll finally get like other people".

They tried to guess what it is that makes me not right - for it was clear to them that something was off. They thought of borderline personality disorder but it didn't really match, they tried treating me for bipolar disorder but it never worked either. So they concluded that "it doesn't matter what it is that is with you, just go to a therapy". Yes, I actually got told that. And I disagree. It matters a lot - knowing what exactly is with me. If you don't know that, how can you do anything about it? There are different kinds of therapy for different things. You always have to know what is wrong to fix it. Recently I decided to stop going there as it was mostly just trying different meds on me in a guessing game "maybe that will work" and it didn't, not really.

Then I remembered about that Aspie girl I mentioned above and thought I could read in more detail about the matter. I found some internet tests. I know internet tests aren't the most reliable thing and neither they are a diagnosis but I figure they're a good starting point in deciding whether it's worth considering the matter at all. They all said it is. With RDOS 129/200 for neurodiverse and 72/200 for neurotypical, AQ 33/50 and RAADS-R 178.0, I found myself - even if maybe just barely - on a score of possibly being an Aspie.

On one hand it doesn't change anything, I'm still and will be me, all the same. But on the other hand - it does. It's kind of like being told that maybe I'm not broken or wrong, just different. And that there are other people like that, too. It's good to know. To feel like I might belong somewhere at last.

It also makes sense for many things. All children learn by observing and mimicking others, at the beginning mainly their parents. However, I feel like it's mostly intuitive and later in life can be used more or less without thinking. They just seem to know what to do. I remember always analysing situations and comparing them to previous ones to find out which of the figured out behaviours I noticed in others would fit best. Always trying to guess what is expected of me, not getting the "why you do that" (the answer to that was always: "'cause you're supposed to"), just "how they do that". Little routines, doing things in a specific order, problem with changes and unxpected situations, awkwardness. Focusing on few things and being interested only in them and wanting to talk and think only about them, like small obsessions. Difficulty with talking to people - especially more than one at a time - and eye contact, never getting friends like other kids (it's not that I didn't want or tried to, it just never seemed to work) and being bad at group work. Hard time figuring gestures and facial expressions, well, I can obviously learn what people mean by them when I know the person well, I get confused, though. Even my extreme clumsiness and - I've been told - strange gait seem to match the description, never expected that. Repetetive gestures and behaviour helping me calm down or focus better, like twisting/rubbing fingers or biting/scratching or playing with jewellery etc. Being unable to tolerate some sounds or lights or textures, I get told to stop being silly but it's not like I'm able to get over it. I have a problem with getting verbal instructions, it's much better when I can read them. Phone calls are a nightmare, texts are good. I often speak too loud without realising I do that. And patterns, patterns everywhere. Little alien Rosie.

I function quite well on the outside. People tend to think I'm just nervous and shy, sometimes quiet, too. All normal stuff. But it feels like an act, constantly being on guard, trying to fit in, wondering why I don't.

I'm thinking of trying to get a formal diagnosis but I don't know yet how to obtain it in my country (I will learn that) nor if I really need it to be official.

Anyway, hi! I'm glad I found this forum, it's interesting and I've already seen that people here are nice, helpful and friendly.
 
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Hello my life story. Welcome. Literally everything you just describe sounds like me. Aside from the nail bitting. Im high functing aspergers syndrome. Official digonased. As for feeling out of place. Note the name above. :D
 
Great you made here. l have learned a lot of great things here, (this site is a bit of security blanket for me :)
 
Welcome! What you've written sounds so similar to my own journey. My Mum is a bit head-in-the-sand too about things she doesn't like or want to have to deal with. She doesn't know about my diagnosis because she wouldn't agree with it - she doesn't seem to understand that I struggle with things because I can't see them the way others do. I got a diagnosis because I felt I needed to know - I dislike the unknown.
 
Welcome Rosie.

Same here.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was 58.
Other labels were given through life like Borderline, Depression, Panic disorder and plenty of
medication trying which didn't help. Most made me feel worse.

The only difference in socialising with me was I didn't care to.
Learning to mask so I could fit in when needed for work mainly was cultivated.
I could be "friendly" but never really sought friends.

I'm not a nail or finger biter, but, I do fidget with my hair or jewelry and skin picking is
a problem.
I didn't know about the awkwardness and walking either until I was diagnosed and started
reading all about it. But, I've had it all my life, so now I know.
I'm old enough the official diagnosis doesn't really matter now that I'm retired.
But, it is good to know the correct thing IMO and learning about yourself and the whys.

I found this forum has been very helpful and is part of my daily routine now.
Hope you find it equally helpful.
 

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