Ducky Stardust
Member
Hi there 
I’m from Germany, I love cartoons, knitting, video games, and listening to music all day.
About two years ago I was suggested a video about ASD in girls and women by the YouTube algorithm and unsuspectingly I clicked on it not knowing what was about to hit me. I watched the whole thing and became very excited afterwards because I felt like that random YouTube person was talking about me whilst sharing details about their inner world, their struggles, and their life in general. I had never felt so befuddled but intrigued at the same time. So, I ventured into a rabbit hole of videos, articles, and medical websites about ASD from which I returned even more bewildered. Am I on the spectrum? Are there really people who can relate to my experiences and vice versa? Did an algorithm just figure me out?
My whole life I spent feeling like a weirdo, not fitting in but trying my darndest to do so. I was singled out in elementary school by my peers for being shy, quiet (literally - my teacher always urged me to speak up louder whenever I’d answer a question), and doing boy’s stuff with my only two friends who happened to be boys. At home I enjoyed being alone with my books, a gazillion stuffed animals, and my pet rabbit. In middle school I had learned my lesson and managed to befriend some girls, and dabbled in being goth for a few years until I got into upper school. Here I mainly had guy friends again but in general I liked my teachers better than any of my peers. My biggest strategy against feeling lonely and unusual was romantic relationships though. I had quite a few boyfriends over the years and they gave me a sense of belonging even though I was never really in love until my early twenties.
After a severe psychotic episode, I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and severe depression in my mid-twenties. It felt like now I knew that something was actually off about me but I never really felt completely understood by being a diagnosed schizophrenic since it just described the most extreme times in my life. It didn’t help me to come to terms with my day-to-day challenges and struggles. The same goes for depression.
When I discovered the possibility of being on the spectrum, I felt like getting closer to what I always wanted: to understand and to belong. I don’t have an official diagnosis and am afraid of getting assessed since I fear that some clinician is just going to tell me they believe I’m not autistic (enough). I have never ever before felt this sense of being seen and being understood that I have now, watching all the videos by people from the community and reading about autism in articles and books.
Secondary Information is all good and well but I’m ready now to actually engage with the community. I want to hear more life stories and learn about other’s experiences with socializing (in school/university especially), loneliness, the joy of special interests, connection, and their personal eureka moment (if there was one) first hand.
Damn, this text kinda got away from me. Haha. Anyway, hello to everybody and thanks for reading. I’m excited to be here
I’m from Germany, I love cartoons, knitting, video games, and listening to music all day.
About two years ago I was suggested a video about ASD in girls and women by the YouTube algorithm and unsuspectingly I clicked on it not knowing what was about to hit me. I watched the whole thing and became very excited afterwards because I felt like that random YouTube person was talking about me whilst sharing details about their inner world, their struggles, and their life in general. I had never felt so befuddled but intrigued at the same time. So, I ventured into a rabbit hole of videos, articles, and medical websites about ASD from which I returned even more bewildered. Am I on the spectrum? Are there really people who can relate to my experiences and vice versa? Did an algorithm just figure me out?
My whole life I spent feeling like a weirdo, not fitting in but trying my darndest to do so. I was singled out in elementary school by my peers for being shy, quiet (literally - my teacher always urged me to speak up louder whenever I’d answer a question), and doing boy’s stuff with my only two friends who happened to be boys. At home I enjoyed being alone with my books, a gazillion stuffed animals, and my pet rabbit. In middle school I had learned my lesson and managed to befriend some girls, and dabbled in being goth for a few years until I got into upper school. Here I mainly had guy friends again but in general I liked my teachers better than any of my peers. My biggest strategy against feeling lonely and unusual was romantic relationships though. I had quite a few boyfriends over the years and they gave me a sense of belonging even though I was never really in love until my early twenties.
After a severe psychotic episode, I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and severe depression in my mid-twenties. It felt like now I knew that something was actually off about me but I never really felt completely understood by being a diagnosed schizophrenic since it just described the most extreme times in my life. It didn’t help me to come to terms with my day-to-day challenges and struggles. The same goes for depression.
When I discovered the possibility of being on the spectrum, I felt like getting closer to what I always wanted: to understand and to belong. I don’t have an official diagnosis and am afraid of getting assessed since I fear that some clinician is just going to tell me they believe I’m not autistic (enough). I have never ever before felt this sense of being seen and being understood that I have now, watching all the videos by people from the community and reading about autism in articles and books.
Secondary Information is all good and well but I’m ready now to actually engage with the community. I want to hear more life stories and learn about other’s experiences with socializing (in school/university especially), loneliness, the joy of special interests, connection, and their personal eureka moment (if there was one) first hand.
Damn, this text kinda got away from me. Haha. Anyway, hello to everybody and thanks for reading. I’m excited to be here
