Scared I might have another personality

[Robby]

So I am kind of scared about this and haven't told anyone else so thought I'd post here. I think I may have an alternate personality. In fact I am pretty sure of it. For years, I'd have these periods where I would like black out or just lose periods of time, usually no more than a few hours, sometimes a day or so but no longer than that. This started happening when I was about 12 or 14. Normally I am pretty shy and well mannered, but I'd get these periods where I'd completely change to myself and those around me. I'd dress completely different, like completely. I am normally dressed pretty formally, I like that style, I wear button downs, bow ties or neck ties, khakis, etc. But then I change and I dress completely different. I will wear cow boy boots, plaid shirts, jeans, and even talk differently. During these times, I don't forget things entirely, but it's the strangest thing, it's like I am there but I am not there, it's very hazy. Here's the kicker. When I have these episodes, I give my name as Rob. This is NOT my name at all. I am not even aware I am doing it half the time. One friend I have known for years tells me she saw me once or twice and that I was acting totally different, very masculine, butch, (I am openly gay) she said it was like she was seeing and taling to a straight person. This has been going on for years. The first time I was aware of "Rob" was in like 2006. I blacked out for 2 days and all I remember was being online and chatting to some guy and agreeing to meet him but then I lost my memory after getting in the car. I vaguely remember being with him and hanging out with him and some other guy, but I just forget a ton of things. Then the next day I remember it was mid afternoon and I suddenly wondered where the time went. I have no idea how I got to a certain place where he had dropped me off. The episodes seem to correlate with high promiscuity. I see chats on Grindr and places that this Rob has done, and it's nothing I'd say at all. It's very sexual, very provokative. I am just confused about all of this. I am already diagnosed as mildly autistic, and I am afraid I have another personality.

I am feeling extremely confused a lot and as I am getting older, I feel less and less like my true self, and more likesomeone else. If that makes any sense. I just hear all these thoughts and feelings in my head that I don't think are mine. Only last month, I had several instances where this "rob" person came out and I barely remember anything except just vaguely, like a dream. Basically, he hooks up with guys for sex, and that's that. I never hookup myself. I find it disgusting. I am just ashamed to bring this up to my psychiatrist or therapist, because they finally think they have a handle on me, and I am getting ready to start a new job, so things are really getting better for me. But I just can't shake this other stuff going on in my head. WHat should I do? Has anyone else had this happen? I know I probably sound like a complete idiot.

 

[paloftoon]

Your psychiatrist or therapist are there to help you out with issues that come up like these. I hope you are in a position where you can trust them. The casual sex part is very concerning. Sex itself is not a disgusting thing. Just don't want anyone getting any diseases or such if at all possible. 2nd best scenario- at least use a condom always if you end up going in to it too soon.

I feel like the nature of this thread should be moved to the adult category.

 

[Robby]

I'm just embarassed to bring any of this up. But it's been going on for years. I have no clue what it is. I just feel a lot of the time that there is someone else inside of me. And I get these hazy blackouts, like where I feel just completely subservient to the other person (Rob). And Rob is the one who takes over like if I hookup or go on dates with guys. He likes sex but I don't at all. I hate intimacy. Yea I am messed up.

 

[OrSomething]

You need to break past the embarrassment and tell your psychiatrist. They are here to help you, and they probably won't judge you. If you feel uncomfortable telling them out loud, maybe you could write a note and hand it to them.

 

[Robby]

Yet things are going better for me than they have in a long time. I'm finally about to start a new, job getting my life together, the anxiety and depression are pretty much gone now. But I continue to have these episodes of losing time, yet I don't totally forget things, it's like I just become trapped inside another person for a few hours or a day. And I chat with people during those times and give my name as Rob. Who appears to be from what I can see of him, to be a straight acting butch man, something I am not at all. He also appears to be very promiscuous, and has a lot of sex. I hate sex myself. He is also very aggressive and domineering. I am much more quiet and shyer. Just afraid to tell anyone about it, but after having this go on for years, I just sort of accept it I guess. What kind of scares me is that looking back, I realize during those times that Rob would come out, he'd dress completely different and then basically his whole reason for existing was to meet guys and have sex. He also used drugs in the past something I'd never do. He still comes out if I get stressed but I am going to reluctantly bring this up to my therapist at some point if I get courage enough. I think I have control now, I want to keep this person down and under control. I have googled this and I just feel afraid. What if I don't have autism at all, what if that's just part of this other persona? Just confusing.

 

[Robby]

The strange thing is that although there have been several episodes of Rob coming out since the beginning of the year, he seems to be getting a clearer and clearer identity, separate from mine. And yet in my own life, I am more confident and assertive than ever, so not sure if he is rubbing off on me, or what it is. But in the past he was much less distinct, but now he has even been buying his own clothes, and wearing them, things I'd never even touch let alone wear.

 

[Datura]

Deffinitely talk to your psychologist about this. You say that you are very permiscuous and even use drugs in your Rob persona, and that is concerning.

Admittedly, I am not qualified to make this judgement, but perhaps you are subconciously using Rob as a way of expressing repressed desires. Maybe if you could figgure out what those desires are you could find a way to meet them through your true persona, perhaps integrating elements of Rob into your daily personality.

 

[Robby]

I don't know what's going on but a lot of the time I feel this intense pressure inside my head like a cramp needing to let go like this tension, and I can feel this person's presence. It feels like it's bottling up. Now I can go a week or two at the most, but usually this persona comes out at least once a week, for several hours or a whole day. At some point I'll probably try and bring it up with my therapist.

 

[Professori]

No, you are not a complete idiot. However, since I am a psychologist, I can only give you the advice that others have given you, and that is to discuss this with a therapist. I could spend time asking you some leading questions about your concerns and more specifically, your other persona and then give you some advice accordingly, but that would be very naive of me. It is also difficult to give advice on this type of concern in this way - technology is problematic and you could receive some advice from someone that is misleading.
I am not being very helpful, but at least you have started to discuss it openly and that is a great step to have taken. However, if I can give you some advice, it is just that you should be very careful about whom you decide to see about this - be picky about the one you choose.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I've had to tell my social worker and psychiatrist about my psychotic-like symptoms in the past, it can be very hard talking about this sort of thing. The way I did it was writing it down on a piece of paper and giving it to them. It cuts down on the embarrassment of it and it gets important things out in the open.