Lately I've had at least two medical appointments per week. It would be more like four, but I cancelled a whole lot of them after becoming overwhelmed mid-January.
I don't want to talk about why. It's nothing terrible. But it's exhausting and kind of painful too.
Involuntarily on the nights before my appointments, I end up only getting a couple hours of sleep, due to anxiety. I have a history of cancer treatment and other extremely invasive procedures, and so medical appointments are anticipated with great dread, even if nothing bad will happen.
It makes me physically ill. And I just can't sleep. I was up most of last night, after sleeping for a couple hours. Before falling asleep I had a full blown panic attack involving fighting through nonverbal to be able to communicate with my daughter. But it ended up sounding kind of like stuttery baby talk.
I feel so alone when I have medical appointments. And so afraid. I wish I had someone I loved to pick me up and drive with me, and then drop me off and hold my hand and tell me it was all going to be okay, and that it was for the best, and they were going to be there to pick me up afterward and maybe go for a drive in the hills and talk about it, or even better, not talk about it. Just to enjoy the silence and the vistas. I miss my dad.
I'm so tired. And I have such a headache. And this happens twice weekly or more.
I don't want to talk about why. It's nothing terrible. But it's exhausting and kind of painful too.
Involuntarily on the nights before my appointments, I end up only getting a couple hours of sleep, due to anxiety. I have a history of cancer treatment and other extremely invasive procedures, and so medical appointments are anticipated with great dread, even if nothing bad will happen.
It makes me physically ill. And I just can't sleep. I was up most of last night, after sleeping for a couple hours. Before falling asleep I had a full blown panic attack involving fighting through nonverbal to be able to communicate with my daughter. But it ended up sounding kind of like stuttery baby talk.
I feel so alone when I have medical appointments. And so afraid. I wish I had someone I loved to pick me up and drive with me, and then drop me off and hold my hand and tell me it was all going to be okay, and that it was for the best, and they were going to be there to pick me up afterward and maybe go for a drive in the hills and talk about it, or even better, not talk about it. Just to enjoy the silence and the vistas. I miss my dad.
I'm so tired. And I have such a headache. And this happens twice weekly or more.
