This isn't my best example of writing. I don't really know what my point is. This is just meandering. Usually when I make a forum post, I'm so terrified of any response that I go underground. I don't really make much sense but I don't know what to do.
I've only been formally diagnosed with depression, or some variation of that, since I was like 12. I don't really feel like I communicate effectively with my therapists so they've been of limited help. I just don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling so I make things up that feel like the "right" answers.
My few childhood "friendships" were based on "we lived close enough to make playdates easy". In second grade, I felt so different from my peers that I begged my mom to take me out of school and homeschool me (which she did for the rest of my pre-college education). I've had a few friends I met online through hobbies, but ended up pushing them away due to obsessiveness or over-sharing. As an adult I've only had "work friends" where I was the "weird one" they tolerated. I did meet a guy through online dating that I married, and he is understanding of the way I am, and I really don't feel a need for additional friendships outside of that.
I'm a stay-at-home mom because my earning potential in the workforce isn't enough to cover the cost of daycare. (Incidentally I have the same level of education as my husband, but he gets the job where he earns "the big bucks" by my perspective, whereas I am only considered for entry-level secretarial or service jobs.) I used to be semi-successful (My criteria for "success" being "earning as much from home as I did with minimum wage job") selling thrift store stuff on eBay, but their algorithm changes this year have rendered me effectively invisible on that platform, too. I've just been trying desperately to make myself feel useful to the family by adding my financial contributions, but mostly I just spend money trying to make money. I wrote a book and tried marketing it, but no one has read it.
A couple years ago I had the notion that my particular style and hobby would translate into a YouTube channel. I've previously tried website/blogging and it's gone nowhere, but for some reason I believed I could be a YouTuber - not an influencer-influencer, but maybe a micro-mini-tiny-influencer. A year ago I had a handful of videos unexpectedly go viral, but attempts to utilize that momentum moving forward utterly tanked. I make content that *I* find compelling and visually attractive, but I'm not getting any followers on any platform, so I must be falling flat on my face like every single other thing I try in life.
As my video skills have "increased" (from my perspective), my views have gone down. I was getting better views when my quality was worse. It's hard to see the incentive in improving, if my best videos were when I was a rank beginner who had no idea what she was doing. I mean, the stats suggest that I have LESS of an idea of what I'm doing now, a year later.
I feel like there must be invisible rules completely going over my head, why I'm virtually invisible. I'm more comfortable online than in person, but the end results are the same, no matter where I am, no one sees me.
I've only been formally diagnosed with depression, or some variation of that, since I was like 12. I don't really feel like I communicate effectively with my therapists so they've been of limited help. I just don't really know how to explain what I'm feeling so I make things up that feel like the "right" answers.
My few childhood "friendships" were based on "we lived close enough to make playdates easy". In second grade, I felt so different from my peers that I begged my mom to take me out of school and homeschool me (which she did for the rest of my pre-college education). I've had a few friends I met online through hobbies, but ended up pushing them away due to obsessiveness or over-sharing. As an adult I've only had "work friends" where I was the "weird one" they tolerated. I did meet a guy through online dating that I married, and he is understanding of the way I am, and I really don't feel a need for additional friendships outside of that.
I'm a stay-at-home mom because my earning potential in the workforce isn't enough to cover the cost of daycare. (Incidentally I have the same level of education as my husband, but he gets the job where he earns "the big bucks" by my perspective, whereas I am only considered for entry-level secretarial or service jobs.) I used to be semi-successful (My criteria for "success" being "earning as much from home as I did with minimum wage job") selling thrift store stuff on eBay, but their algorithm changes this year have rendered me effectively invisible on that platform, too. I've just been trying desperately to make myself feel useful to the family by adding my financial contributions, but mostly I just spend money trying to make money. I wrote a book and tried marketing it, but no one has read it.
A couple years ago I had the notion that my particular style and hobby would translate into a YouTube channel. I've previously tried website/blogging and it's gone nowhere, but for some reason I believed I could be a YouTuber - not an influencer-influencer, but maybe a micro-mini-tiny-influencer. A year ago I had a handful of videos unexpectedly go viral, but attempts to utilize that momentum moving forward utterly tanked. I make content that *I* find compelling and visually attractive, but I'm not getting any followers on any platform, so I must be falling flat on my face like every single other thing I try in life.
As my video skills have "increased" (from my perspective), my views have gone down. I was getting better views when my quality was worse. It's hard to see the incentive in improving, if my best videos were when I was a rank beginner who had no idea what she was doing. I mean, the stats suggest that I have LESS of an idea of what I'm doing now, a year later.
I feel like there must be invisible rules completely going over my head, why I'm virtually invisible. I'm more comfortable online than in person, but the end results are the same, no matter where I am, no one sees me.
It sounds like you've been working really hard and I'm sure your family more than appreciates all your efforts!
