Screw it. I know what the real issue is.

[Metalhead]

When I was growing up, anybody would do whatever they wanted to me, and my mother would step in to make sure there was nothing I could do about any of it:

Sister stealing from me to support her meth habit? I should be a good brother and let her take whatever she wants from me.

Bullies assaulting me at school on a daily basis? I should think about how unhappy they are and let them continue to physically assault me.

Stepfather telling me I had no legal rights until I was 18 and that he could legally break my bones and there would be nothing I could do about it? I was a jerk for refusing to meet him halfway.

I was denied any boundaries when I was a minor. This is bad parenting,

 

[Aspychata]

To me, this is very abusive parenting. This would create a lot of anger, alot of hurt. And then you had to learn how to establish boundaries when you finally left your family's grip. How are you doing with boundaries? It's seems that you couldn't rely on your mom or your dad to keep you safe. Only discuss if you want to. This is very painful to read. Boundaries are something l am getting better at.

 

[Rodafina]

Understanding and accepting these horrors from your past can set you on the path away from those dark days and into a future that is brighter for you. I know you can get there. It is very sad to think of the younger version of you going through these terrible things as a child and teenager. It is time for your life to be something wholly different now, and then that little boy within can finally heal, too.

 

[Metalhead]

I remember once when I was 18 and paying the parents rent to stay there until I could afford a place of my own, my mother once decided to dig through my drawers and leave my clothes all over the floor. Her excuse was because she was looking for the Halloween makeup I bought for myself. My sister claimed I was making a big deal out of nothing while my stepfather told me I deserved that for not being perfect with cleaning the kitchen floor.

I had gay porn in those dressers she would have discovered if I had not stopped her. I was still closeted then.

 

[KevinMao133]

This is terrible parenting. Your parents don’t deserve you, to tell you the truth

It’s not right to put problems on someone who’s innocent. Whatever their issue is, it’s not on you

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I remember once when I was 18 and paying the parents rent to stay there until I could afford a place of my own, my mother once decided to dig through my drawers and leave my clothes all over the floor. Her excuse was because she was looking for the Halloween makeup I bought for myself. My sister claimed I was making a big deal out of nothing while my stepfather told me I deserved that for not being perfect with cleaning the kitchen floor.

I had gay porn in those dressers she would have discovered if I had not stopped her. I was still closeted then.

That's some messed up, crappy parenting right there. Toxic behaviors, plain and simple. Sorry you had to go through that.

So, it's up to you how you want to internalize all that. Are you going to let them hold power over you still? I would hope not. You and everyone else recognizes it as bad behavior. Do you look back at it as "This crap happened to me, it sucked, but NEVER again."?

Wisdom = Knowledge + Experience + Mistakes. You know it was wrong. You experienced the effects of that bad behavior. Are you going to make the mistake of letting all that drag your life down? Are you going to chalk it up as a life lesson?

We can pick our friends, but unfortunately we can't pick our family. It sucks that some families have all that disfunction, but that's an unfortunate reality. No one needs that in their life, so kick them to the curb and move forward. I felt a fleeting moment of guilt and then a huge weight was lifted off of me. I'm much happier and a lot less stressed.

 

[Aspychata]

What is scary is how many toxic family stories there are at this forum. However, @Metalhead 's breakdown of his childhood is pretty scary. Did you ever do any therapy?

 

[Metalhead]

I remember I saw a therapist of my own free will twenty years ago. This therapist was encouraging me to change jobs since I was facing homophobia at the job I was at that time. My mother then decided to call this therapist up and grill her with “you don’t love him like I love him” talk. My mother is still proud of this to this day and she claims she got a restraining order and almost lost her freedom because she loves me.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Your family reminds me of the sick parents who practice Munchausen by proxy. They create issues and then are proud of themselves for the suffering they have caused. They are not merely toxic, they are poisonous, deadly, snakes.

(Added) MbP is abuse where the person makes up fake symptoms or causes real symptoms to make it look like the target is sick or suffering. They present themselves as devoted to their target.

 

[Shamar]

When I was growing up, anybody would do whatever they wanted to me, and my mother would step in to make sure there was nothing I could do about any of it:

Sister stealing from me to support her meth habit? I should be a good brother and let her take whatever she wants from me.

Bullies assaulting me at school on a daily basis? I should think about how unhappy they are and let them continue to physically assault me.

Stepfather telling me I had no legal rights until I was 18 and that he could legally break my bones and there would be nothing I could do about it? I was a jerk for refusing to meet him halfway.

I was denied any boundaries when I was a minor. This is bad parenting,

Seems to me you were not denied boundaries, you were denied freedom, self, and your humanity.

 

[Aspychata]

@Shamar , he was denied his childhood. Then he was denied his tween years. Then he was denied the fun of being a teenager. It's like he had no basis of what he should be able to experience because he never had the chance. But l was trying to point out, that he never had respected boundaries, as a grown adult, he has a hard time advocating for himself, which means that people respect his boundaries at all times. So that's why l went the boundary route. @Metalhead has still told his family no, just recently, he still is putting boundaries in place, and his family is still ignoring his boundaries.

 

[All-Rounder]

I had gay porn in those dressers she would have discovered if I had not stopped her. I was still closeted then.

My mother was extremely closed off too and violent.

Me and my friend had made notebooks in our childhood documenting the life of a stray female dog. At some point the notebook was discovered, when i changed its place to some place that worked for my friend. In it at some point the drawings were picturing the dog being bred, before she had puppies. We didn't see it happen but I came up with the idea we need to fill the pages before we draw the babies lol. We had tons of fun however mom didn't when she saw it. Dad just said let her! She's just learning about nature.

We were so interested in the personal and private life of the female dog, and feeding her, however the notebook was taken away.. We monitored her while she was pregnant.

 

[Jacks Brain]

I was denied any boundaries when I was a minor. This is bad parenting,

That sounds like the opposite - they had no boundaries, but you had boundaries.

 

[Rodafina]

That sounds like the opposite - they had no boundaries, but you had boundaries.

Children don’t automatically have boundaries, though. To me, it makes sense what @Metalhead said. He was denied the opportunity to learn what healthy boundaries are.

I think the point is that the parenting was extremely abusive.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@Shamar , he was denied his childhood. Then he was denied his tween years. Then he was denied the fun of being a teenager. It's like he had no basis of what he should be able to experience because he never had the chance. But l was trying to point out, that he never had respected boundaries, as a grown adult, he has a hard time advocating for himself, which means that people respect his boundaries at all times. So that's why l went the boundary route. @Metalhead has still told his family no, just recently, he still is putting boundaries in place, and his family is still ignoring his boundaries.

I agree!
He was trained to have NO personal agency. I'm familiar with that, except it was not my parentsas much as my interactions with peers.

 

[Jacks Brain]

Children don’t automatically have boundaries, though. To me, it makes sense what @Metalhead said. He was denied the opportunity to learn what healthy boundaries are.

I think the point is that the parenting was extremely abusive.

He said "any" boundaries, not "healthy" boundaries; and he did get the "Don't pound other's faces in" boundary.

Many of us have the same problem with violent bullies at school. I was taught not to hit back too - sometimes I didn't but sometimes I did. The strange thing about hitting back - not only will the bullies leave you alone, they even want to be friends. That was quite a revelation at the time. Yeah I got chewed out by my mother and the school punished me too, but that was a mistake on their part.

 

[Metalhead]

Your family reminds me of the sick parents who practice Munchausen by proxy. They create issues and then are proud of themselves for the suffering they have caused. They are not merely toxic, they are poisonous, deadly, snakes.

(Added) MbP is abuse where the person makes up fake symptoms or causes real symptoms to make it look like the target is sick or suffering. They present themselves as devoted to their target.

I have no doubt that I am a Munchausen by Proxy child, especially since my mother keeps on telling everybody I suffer from severe cognitive disabilities that make me remember things differently than they actually happened.

My mother loves putting up a massive show of how much she is willing to fight for me, while at the same time she tells everybody not to take a word I say seriously. It is sick.

 

[Metalhead]

Never again will I roll over when people treat me this way.

 

[Metalhead]

Honestly, I have come to realize that after spending a very large portion of my life with my entire family telling me I remember things differently than they actually happened, I now have become addicted to external validation, and that is not healthy at all. I know what is real and what is not. I have no cognitive disabilities. I should be confident enough in that and keep moving forward.

 

[Aspychata]

Part of gaslighting is discounting, and discrediting your memories or your version of what happened. Or they outright deny it, or they completely ignore you, or victim shame you. Glad you truly discovered who you really are in the end. There are some who never get to that part of the journey. I basically had to take a very demanding, multitasking position to discover that l was a capable functioning human being. And my mom and brother were still trying to discredit me only about a month ago. They wanted me back to faulty thinking so l could be under their grips. It's irritating and even though l pointed out my strengths, and abilites, they blew me off because they didn't want to hear that. This is emeshment of past patterns that l REFUSE to participate in. Lol. I was actually validating myself to them, what a waste of time. It truly doesn't matter how successful you become, you will never have any other image to your family members.