Second chance in a relation with AS (undiagnosed) man

[Trellekrona]

Hi All,

this post [LONG!] is somewhat connected to this other one:

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threa...ionship-looking-for-advice.16433/#post-314724

which I wrote sometime ago.

Me and my boyfriend (or maybe ex I should say, it's a bit unknown at the moment) finally got around to talk a bit about what went wrong with the relation.

I will recap some important points.
When we met he had recently separated. Our relation started off really very well.
In my case it was the first time that I felt accepted and liked as I truly was (most likely I have AS too, I will receive next week my official diagnosis) and probably in his case he felt some kind of deep connection (even though he could not explain it that well in words).
After a while however, he started to feel the toll of the separation and especially missing his kids. I thought It was normal and just tried to support him as much as I could.
I spent some weeks living with him (we are in different countries), but this did not help, quite the contrary, as I started to be worried that he could change his mind and I started to inquire about his feelings for me and plans for the future (it just amounted to know if we could meet again after I went back to my own country and so on, no special committment! I had a 6+ yrs relation before this, all long distance, I do not want to get married and he is aware of all this, so I doubt that he could be afraid of being suffocated...)

I only later discovered that this was the worst thing I could have done. It created tons of anxiety, selective mutism, meltdowns on my side (I could not make sense of his statements) and of course there was no way he could talk about his feelings because they were all "fog" (in his words).
But this is something I discovered only very recently, one day that we compared how we feel and how we remember our feelings (he does not) and how we imagine how the future can feel (I can do all of this, while he cannot).
This was a discovery for him as well! Until then, he thought that everyone worked like him, that he was only "shy" so to say (he is in his 40s, while I am my early 30s).
Anyhow, I gave a couple of books on AS and couples and on AS and anxiety, to see if they rang the bell and they did. So I guess now we are at the suspected AS stage...

In any case one day in mid May he stated that he wanted to end the relation.
It was really out of the blue. Things did not feel good (actually I had spent months trying to sort out what I could do to help him further, how to make him separate the feelings for me, which were still many and strong I think, and the fears, the anxiety, and the sad thoughts about his recent separation), but there was no warning that he was getting to that conclusion.
I was devasteted.
I asked him for a second chance but he did not want to agree on that. Then I asked me to meet and see how it would go, since I had understood (at least partially) was did not go well. We did meet and it was quite nice. We continued talking at a distance and I could see him feeling better, so eventually we met again and he thanked me for doing that. Unfortunately I then I had the bad idea of doing what he calls rationalizing.
I dared criticising his decision of breaking up, since things were feeling good when meeting and talking on an almost daily basis, so perhaps he still felt good with me and so why not revise the decision? Why not give a second chance?
Anytime I said something of this sort, he would become very aggressive, in a terrible mood and he started to push me away and behave hasitly to hurt me. I really felt hate from his side. Normally he is such a sweet person and I would have never imagined he could become like this: I was truly schoked.
What he claimed afterwards was that I "did not believe" him, that it was his decision and no one else's, how could I know what was what, why did I want to "rationalise" everything and what was the problem with me?
He also completely disregarded the fact that of course it's his decision, but it involves two people and I might have a different opinion and some saying in the subject... He does not acknowledge this!

I am now so confused and hurt. I can swear that he was enjoying a lot the time together, even after he stated that he didn't want the relation. After a 5 days stretch he even claimed he did not want to go home... but again when I asked him about how he felt a few days ago he would tone everything down and saying that in any case he did not want the relation.
It's like no matter what he feels now, he sticks to his initial decision, like if it was written on stone.

I have a hard time understanding how he firmly refuses to believe that, even if we now we know where his Achilles' heel is (talking about feelings), we can have a perfectly happy and fullfilling relation.
It's like he can't imagine the relation as becoming different from what it has been in the last 4/5 months. Clearly the relation can be different, if one knows what went wrong! That is what everyone does when they try to recommit and luckily it does work at times...
But if I say this, I am accused of rationalising (as if it was a crime, by the way).

It is also interesting that while he can never decide about anything, but he is very firm on this...
I can see that he must have been really very anxious when asked abut feelings, almost traumatised, but can't he just see that if it's not going to happen again, it's going to hurt again?
Well, this must be his AS I guess...
While I also get easily hurt and traumatised, I learned to believe in change (and trust some people) and I prefer to live fully rather than clumming up or running away from everythig...

Anyway, my question here is it all lost? If not, how can one proceed?
I feel that there are feelings, I am really really sure, and I don't want to let go like that.
Despite all the difficulties he is a great person and I can understand that he is discovering some side of his that he was neve in contact with and it must be hard.
Do you think that trying to slowly reconstruct the relation without calling it "relation" might work?
Somehow constructing (by myself) an implicit second chance?
That is not to mention the past, try to chat together about the topics that we used to like, meet sometimes (by the way, so far when we met we just behaved like a normal couple, with all the exchange of affection and he did like it a lot, even after saying he did not want any relation) and then this new thing could be "the relation"?
Having to behave like this, with the impossibility of calling things with their own name is odd (this instead is my AS side...), but perhaps is the only solution..

Suggestions?
Sorry for the lenght of the post, but aside from our special case, many of the experience that I described above could be of help for other Aspies in similar situations and I thought it would be worth telling them!

 

[Revant87]

I am in a similar situation and trying hard with my luck!!

 

[Maelstrom]

Sorry! maybe I made the same mistake asking my aspie to many questions....it is hard not to do when you are unsure all the time what the other person really feels.
Maybe less is more?.....but some people are a bad investment too!
I wish I could help but I'm suffering too!
People love stuff is hard.

 

[Bonnie]

I am in a similar situation. He has broken up with me several times. I have always managed to reason with him and we reconciled. Except for this time.
Can an aspie reply?

 

[artfull dodger]

I get in these moods with my wife and for me is a self protect mode. Anything that puts me into an emotional overload I have to avoid, but this is hard for her to do being NT. In the past before my diagnosis, she didnt know this and massive and violent meltdowns happened, I was ready to file for divorse as was she. But we both agreed to see a therapist, who was also licensed to diagnose ASD, to see if she could sort us out. That is when I got diagnosed with Asperger's and we both started the learning process. How I could better learn to deal with emotional issues without going into full blown meltdowns. I have to deal with those discussions in very small bites and pieces. Usualy with extended processing time inbetween those discussions. Even then my anxiety goes way up, but thru my therapist I learned ways to cope, and not allow myself to violently meltdown. BUT, I wanted to learn this and that is the key part. He must want to learn to better cope, that is where a trained therapist comes in. He or she can explain in ways an Aspie can process the "why's" and "how's" for this. That is the only way an Aspie will work thru it, knowing in thier terms (logicaly) why its in thier interest. Getting professionaly dignosed saved my marriage and kept me from ending up getting into physical fights with my wife, then crashing into a massive shutdown afterwards and becoming sucidial. Do shutdowns and meltdowns still happen....yes, but on a smaller scale for the most part. Learning to cope with emotions led to other things happening to me. Like when I get hit with sudden stress or massive anxiety out of the blue, I will be come non verbal. So I now wear a wrist ID bracelet that explains that I am autistic and who to call if need be, along with that I have asthma and what allergies I have. I dont want to be alone in my life, but at the same time need my alone time to process and recover from the stress and anxiety that normal life brings. That need for extended time left alone has been the hardest part for my wife to accept and deal with. The other hard part for her, that I constantly explain to her as does my therapist, is the only way to really "connect" with me is thru my special interests. Which is model trains and taking my tractor to antique tractor shows. And that I feel no connection going shopping, or out with her and her friends to social events(which cause me massive anxiety). I can tollerate tractor shows or model train shows due to the hyper focus on the special interest and I see people I know and can talk to for a short period(which I enjoy) but then I can retreat and be alone to process. She tries to enjoy these with me, but I can tell its a struggle for her many times. This leads to arguments and resentment from me as I see couples at these events that in my eyes truely enjoy the hobby together, where as her involvement seems forced or fake. I hope you are both able to work thru it, for most the Aspies I have talked to do not want to be alone, but at the same time, need to be alone most of the time. Feel free to ask any specific questions you want, I do not mind sharing how I or we have tried to cope. Mike

 

[Bonnie]

Thank you so very much for your insight. Information from someone who deals with it is so very valuable. I am sure that my emotions and questions about the future added to his stress. I was also going thru some issues of my own with my ex husband and I am sure, now, that was a factor. I wish I had known this so much sooner.
He said he wants me to be happy and thinks I need a 'normal' man. He has said he will be never be happy. When we initially broke up this last time he said he was 'talking' to someone else. I have reached out to him by email and explained to him the things I have learned. I told him that it will take someone willing to adapt. And that I was sorry he didn't think I was the right person.
He replied saying that he cared about me and wanted me to be happy. Do I continue to try and stay in contact with him?
Our 2 year anniversary would have been next week. Do I send him a card saying I am thinking about him???
I still love him very much and I believe I can make him happy. I am willing to learn as much as I can to help. Make his life easier.
Please help.

 

[Bonnie]

I am confused. He has contacted me but I believe he wanted me to ease his guilt for hurting me. He said he is very happily dating someone else. I doubt he will confide in her about his aspergers. Is it time to give up?

 

[Judge]

I am confused. He has contacted me but I believe he wanted me to ease his guilt for hurting me. He said he is very happily dating someone else. I doubt he will confide in her about his aspergers. Is it time to give up?

I went through such a period myself. I was dumped, tried in vain to get back together again with my former girlfriend. She wrote me off and never looked back...even though at one point she wanted to be "friends". When I expressed that I wanted things as they used to be she became downright hateful. I never heard from her again.

Though eventually I learned she's on husband #3. Sometimes things just aren't meant to be.

 

[Bonnie]

I get in these moods with my wife and for me is a self protect mode. Anything that puts me into an emotional overload I have to avoid, but this is hard for her to do being NT. In the past before my diagnosis, she didnt know this and massive and violent meltdowns happened, I was ready to file for divorse as was she. But we both agreed to see a therapist, who was also licensed to diagnose ASD, to see if she could sort us out. That is when I got diagnosed with Asperger's and we both started the learning process. How I could better learn to deal with emotional issues without going into full blown meltdowns. I have to deal with those discussions in very small bites and pieces. Usualy with extended processing time inbetween those discussions. Even then my anxiety goes way up, but thru my therapist I learned ways to cope, and not allow myself to violently meltdown. BUT, I wanted to learn this and that is the key part. He must want to learn to better cope, that is where a trained therapist comes in. He or she can explain in ways an Aspie can process the "why's" and "how's" for this. That is the only way an Aspie will work thru it, knowing in thier terms (logicaly) why its in thier interest. Getting professionaly dignosed saved my marriage and kept me from ending up getting into physical fights with my wife, then crashing into a massive shutdown afterwards and becoming sucidial. Do shutdowns and meltdowns still happen....yes, but on a smaller scale for the most part. Learning to cope with emotions led to other things happening to me. Like when I get hit with sudden stress or massive anxiety out of the blue, I will be come non verbal. So I now wear a wrist ID bracelet that explains that I am autistic and who to call if need be, along with that I have asthma and what allergies I have. I dont want to be alone in my life, but at the same time need my alone time to process and recover from the stress and anxiety that normal life brings. That need for extended time left alone has been the hardest part for my wife to accept and deal with. The other hard part for her, that I constantly explain to her as does my therapist, is the only way to really "connect" with me is thru my special interests. Which is model trains and taking my tractor to antique tractor shows. And that I feel no connection going shopping, or out with her and her friends to social events(which cause me massive anxiety). I can tollerate tractor shows or model train shows due to the hyper focus on the special interest and I see people I know and can talk to for a short period(which I enjoy) but then I can retreat and be alone to process. She tries to enjoy these with me, but I can tell its a struggle for her many times. This leads to arguments and resentment from me as I see couples at these events that in my eyes truely enjoy the hobby together, where as her involvement seems forced or fake. I hope you are both able to work thru it, for most the Aspies I have talked to do not want to be alone, but at the same time, need to be alone most of the time. Feel free to ask any specific questions you want, I do not mind sharing how I or we have tried to cope. Mike

 

[Bonnie]

I get in these moods with my wife and for me is a self protect mode. Anything that puts me into an emotional overload I have to avoid, but this is hard for her to do being NT. In the past before my diagnosis, she didnt know this and massive and violent meltdowns happened, I was ready to file for divorse as was she. But we both agreed to see a therapist, who was also licensed to diagnose ASD, to see if she could sort us out. That is when I got diagnosed with Asperger's and we both started the learning process. How I could better learn to deal with emotional issues without going into full blown meltdowns. I have to deal with those discussions in very small bites and pieces. Usualy with extended processing time inbetween those discussions. Even then my anxiety goes way up, but thru my therapist I learned ways to cope, and not allow myself to violently meltdown. BUT, I wanted to learn this and that is the key part. He must want to learn to better cope, that is where a trained therapist comes in. He or she can explain in ways an Aspie can process the "why's" and "how's" for this. That is the only way an Aspie will work thru it, knowing in thier terms (logicaly) why its in thier interest. Getting professionaly dignosed saved my marriage and kept me from ending up getting into physical fights with my wife, then crashing into a massive shutdown afterwards and becoming sucidial. Do shutdowns and meltdowns still happen....yes, but on a smaller scale for the most part. Learning to cope with emotions led to other things happening to me. Like when I get hit with sudden stress or massive anxiety out of the blue, I will be come non verbal. So I now wear a wrist ID bracelet that explains that I am autistic and who to call if need be, along with that I have asthma and what allergies I have. I dont want to be alone in my life, but at the same time need my alone time to process and recover from the stress and anxiety that normal life brings. That need for extended time left alone has been the hardest part for my wife to accept and deal with. The other hard part for her, that I constantly explain to her as does my therapist, is the only way to really "connect" with me is thru my special interests. Which is model trains and taking my tractor to antique tractor shows. And that I feel no connection going shopping, or out with her and her friends to social events(which cause me massive anxiety). I can tollerate tractor shows or model train shows due to the hyper focus on the special interest and I see people I know and can talk to for a short period(which I enjoy) but then I can retreat and be alone to process. She tries to enjoy these with me, but I can tell its a struggle for her many times. This leads to arguments and resentment from me as I see couples at these events that in my eyes truely enjoy the hobby together, where as her involvement seems forced or fake. I hope you are both able to work thru it, for most the Aspies I have talked to do not want to be alone, but at the same time, need to be alone most of the time. Feel free to ask any specific questions you want, I do not mind sharing how I or we have tried to cope. Mike

 

[Bonnie]

He seems to be very happily dating someone else. Any communication with me is all about how regretful he feels for treating me badly. How could he have possibly moved on so quickly?

 

[midlife aspie]

Perhaps he hasn't. It would be interesting to get his present partner's take on his emotional state.

 

[Judge]

He seems to be very happily dating someone else. Any communication with me is all about how regretful he feels for treating me badly. How could he have possibly moved on so quickly?

I'm afraid such a scenario and such questions may well fall outside the realm of neurological considerations.

He's remorseful about the loss of his relationship with you, yet he already moved on. It looks like he wants some form of absolution, and there's no reason I see for you to give it to him. Very selfish and manipulative on his part.

 

[midlife aspie]

Move on yourself, there is always someone else, and who knows? Maybe he will be your true life partner.

 

[Bonnie]

Thank you all. I find myself extremely attached to him, and his quirky personality for some reason. His innocence about some things made me feel protective of him. I am going to move on. But I will miss him every day.

 

[ovpt]

hi bonnie

sorry to hear the situation are going through. as an aspie male, i highly recommend moving on. if he is already happily dating someone else, he either was never committed or is not capable of commitment in terms of the nt world. i really dont want to sound harsh. i tend to go into emotional overload and i feel it makes it hard to feel love and commitment, those types of feelings are just too strong to handle and its scary, especially if there has been prior bad breakups.

its almost impossible to give advise as we aspies all have unique traits and compensations. i do wish you the best

 

[Bonnie]

Thank you all for your advice. I am trying to move on. About 2 weeks ago a woman contacted me to tell me that she and my boyfriend had been in a relationship, of sorts, for the entire time we were together. That has left me confused, I completely misjudged who he was. I feel manipulated but I thought that wasn't something he was capable of.