seeking advice on tricky one

[Shaun80]

Hi, would really appreciate some advice.
Im NT, met an ASD Girl (were both over 40)
Shes great, we are getting on amazingly.
Been seeing each other 6 months, and she still has the past 2 men in her life, both aspie, both very short physical relationships.
Both men are texting, calls at all times of the night,theres been talk of visits (pop ins) but she never takes the calls when she is with me, instead, verbally dismissing them, like " oh i dont want to talk to you at the moment" type stuff, so I can hear that.
To me this presents red flags, particularly as the more recent of the two men I was under the impression she had ended it with before we dated, which was the greeen light to us dating initially.
Since then, his name comes up, hes met her kids, he seems to be around alot, but not really talked about. Im trying to work out what to do...

 

[Giraffes]

I'd have a direct honest conversation with her about how you feel and your expectations re previous relationships and take it from there, do this at a time when you're both relaxed, she may not understand social behavoir and intentions in the same way as a N/T person, i know times i've been out and friends have said...... 'that guy's giving you the come on' and warned me for chatting to men as it'll give him the wrong impression and i was totally lost and confused due to my lack of understanding of social cues and conventions.

 

[Ezra]

I think it is possible your girlfriend and her ex-boyfriends don't get what's wrong with this picture, even if I clearly do, even though I am very autistic and have never dated.

I agree with Giraffes, be direct. Diplomatic, but direct. I can not imagine many men (or women) being comfortable in your situation.

 

[Thinx]

Yes, really tactfully but also direct, and be clear about how you feel about this, but not in any kind of an ultimatum way. It may be that more than one gentle conversation will be needed. Lots more than one. With you patiently reiterating your feelings, but also you looking to see where there may be room for you to adjust.

You could mention ideas like, the guys may think you are still wanting a relationship with them... are you sure they understand you only want to be friends now? Etc. This makes me a bit uncomfortable, and from my perspective it's harder to know how you and I are doing if you spend time with other guys. Or whatever seems the issue. Gently though.

I suppose it is true though, that she may feel unsure about you as yet, and be keeping her options open, at least on some, possibly unconscious level. Maybe ask her about that, and explain why you're thinking it, and ask what she's not comfortable with?

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

You should of course clearly communicate any concerns you have, but I don't see any problem with this, some people stay good friends with their exes.

 

[Els]

I'd leave them and continue on my own way. I don't think I would like the situation, but I don't think I would be willing to bother with such stories either. I'd have a huge issue with myself imposing them to behave in other ways. I'm okay with people behaving as they want, I don't like emprisoning them. But as I wouldn't want to find myself inside this situation, I'd leave. What I wouldn't like there is that it seems like a lot of complicated stories and untold stuffs that I don't see the point in hiding or something. It's unclear. I like clear and straight forward people, even when they're blunt.
That's my perspective though. I'm all for respecting people's freedom. I talked to my ex bf for many years after we broke up (we stayed together for 4 years, knew each other before that, and grew up a lot together), and I wouldn't have liked someone to tell me how to act and what to do of my relationships with others. I'm free to talk and see who I want. So I wouldn't do that to others. If I dislike the situation it puts me in, I don't need to stay.
I wouldn't have spoken to my ex in front of any current boyfriend - because I wouldn't like to make them feel uncomfortable. That doesn't mean there was still something going on between my ex an me. There was nothing going on, it was a relationship with someone who used to matter to me, in couple or not. There, it seems a bit different because as you describe it it was a short relationship, not something in depth. So I don't know why she'd stay in so close contact with the other guy. That seems unlogical.
If I was in this situation and the person would hide things from me or stay unclear with me, I'd leave it to be honest. It's more the lack of clarity I'd be bothered by than the relationship an other person wants to have with others.

To me your situation presents red flags as well. There are untold things that aren't clear. If it's not clear enough to you, it matters.

 

[Jumpback]

I find things like this to be stressful, because one has to choose between completely letting ones guard down to trust or playing some constant guessing game about what’s going on, or various things in between. Like things with people are stressful enough to figure out without things like this added in.

Like people related things are supposed to be difficult for aspies, so I am unclear why she wouldn’t be able to understand if you have ever tried to explain.

 

[Jumpback]

I suppose it is true though, that she may feel unsure about you as yet, and be keeping her options open, at least on some, possibly unconscious level.

Also on a possibly unconscious level, having these guys around gives her sort of control or leverage, as in if you do not do what I want you to do, I am a text message away from 2 guys I have been in physical relationships with before.

 

[menander]

You may be her first NT. She might be excited but dubious. Autistic really get each other. NTs do it, too, have a "fall back " girl/guy.

Autistics can be pretty open. Ask her if she's keeping her options option. And really, why shouldn't she? Relationships are rife with pit falls. If you guys are engaged, that's different. But right now, she has (and you have) a right to run with the breeze.

If you want to have a rock solid commitment after 6 months, well, that might not happen.

Just from logic, she's being pretty logical.

Everyone is different and everyone has different moral. You need to find out what hers and yours are and if they don't mix, you won't make it. We all like to act like there is one way. There isn't. If there were, everyone doing that one way would end up happily married and we can see where that all goes.

Ask her point blank what her morals and find out your own and then decide if you are a good fit or if you can merge your morals. It can be done. People often merge morals, religions, etc....

 

[Aspychata]

For different reasons, l sorta kinda have-to keep tabs on Satan- my ex. My resources are dependent on him, so knowing if he is retiring, moving to my area (cause me more stress☹). He only let's me see and communicate with daughter if she is with him. So he totally holds me hostage. It's not like l want to get in touch. Because he is in the high risk area of getting sick, he has 3 possible complications- 2 health and one due to his work environment, l also kinda sorta have-to stay in tune to him.

You truly never know all the reasons we kinda sorta have-to stay in touch even though we don't want to. He is bipolar which has it's own little side issues. My daughter has said she checks in to see how he is doing.

 

[Shaun80]

Thanks everyone. Great information.
I will add that we have as a couple confirmed our commitment to each other, a few months ago.
I guess that’s why it’s difficult to navigate my feelings on this, not knowing the real story behind it .

 

[Jonn]

Hi, would really appreciate some advice.
Im NT, met an ASD Girl (were both over 40)
Shes great, we are getting on amazingly.
Been seeing each other 6 months, and she still has the past 2 men in her life, both aspie, both very short physical relationships.
Both men are texting, calls at all times of the night,theres been talk of visits (pop ins) but she never takes the calls when she is with me, instead, verbally dismissing them, like " oh i dont want to talk to you at the moment" type stuff, so I can hear that.
To me this presents red flags, particularly as the more recent of the two men I was under the impression she had ended it with before we dated, which was the greeen light to us dating initially.
Since then, his name comes up, hes met her kids, he seems to be around alot, but not really talked about. Im trying to work out what to do...

Firstly, you are lucky to have an aspie woman in your life.

But yeah, it is a bit odd.
Aspies are generally very honest. Perhaps you should have a direct in-depth conversation, with her, about your concerns?

A general rule of thumb: Be direct and honest with all aspies.

 

[Jonn]

Just from logic, she's being pretty logical.

Aspies tend to be more logical than NTs, agreed.

 

[Jonn]

I think it is possible your girlfriend and her ex-boyfriends don't get what's wrong with this picture, even if I clearly do, even though I am very autistic and have never dated.

I agree with Giraffes, be direct. Diplomatic, but direct. I can not imagine many men (or women) being comfortable in your situation.

I agree.