• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Seeking advice

A

Anansi

Member
Hi, I joined this site because my younger brother has Asperger syndrome, and I feel like I could be doing a better job relating to him. He's never been officially diagnosed, only by my mother, who diagnosed herself with Aspergers as well. She was a doctor (passed away 5 years ago), but refused to document the diagnosis. I think she made my brother feel very negetive about the whole thing, like there was something wrong with both of them, instead of just celebrating the fact that some people interact differently, and that's ok! He's about to turn 30, and he's super depressed that he hasn't advanced more in his career, or done any of the things in life he's always talking about. He's also voicing more frequently that he expects to spend his life alone.

If he seemed happy, I'd totally back off, but he's often depressed. My approach has always been to make 'helpful' suggestions (like joining a community like this) but I'm realizing that I'm just being pushy and he doesn't like it. Our family was pretty messed up, so my brother doesn't have a support system outside of my husband and I, so I absolutely can't alienate him. I'm reaching out for help because I love my brother, he seems unhappy, and I feel like I'm going about this all wrong. Any advice from this community on how I can be a better form of support to him would be much appreciated, thank you.
 
Welcome to AC Anansi,

You'll find a lot of help and support here on AC, shame you can't get your brother to visit too. We also have an extensive resource section if he'd prefer to just read about other viewpoints.

Have fun :)
 
Hi & Welcome,
Its good you are concerned and care. I think he will continue to be stuck however unless he energizes himself. So don't feel this is your fault in any way and up to you to fix. Its good to step back sometimes also and see if you are doing any 'enabling' of his stagnation. If polite suggesting doesn't work, sometimes a more honest/blunt appraisel or practical demonstration can be effective.

For hypothetical example - When he talks about being alone forever, if he does not actively do anything to meet people, do not suggest ways to do it. Instead point out that if you don't go fishing, yes you are very unlikely to catch fish. First he has to see the problems clearly, and then want to do something about it... then he may be open or ask for suggestions.
 
Welcome aboard! :)
Thank you for joining and for being supportive of your brother.
Best wishes.
image.jpg
 
Hi, Anansi. Welcome to AC. Great screen name!

Tom is right. As much as you may want to help your brother, it's ultimately up to him to find the drive to thrive, and you have to take care that nothing you're doing is inadvertently enabling or discouraging.

It's a shame your mom may have given him a negative impression of Asperger's. Until very recently, all of the literature about AS focused on liabilities and impairments, so it isn't entirely surprising that an older doctor --even a doctor who had AS herself -- wouldn't have much good to say about it. Current Asperger's experts like Tony Attwood paint a much more balanced picture that includes acknowledgement of the many gifts and advantages that come with being an Aspie. If your brother at least admits that he does in fact have AS, a positive book about the diagnosis might be a nice gift for him to read on his own, without any pressure to discuss it. This one may be especially apt. For you, this recommendation, plus this list of positive aspects of Asperger's which may give you ideas for gently encouraging him to recognize his strengths.

Something to think about: Depression and anxiety co-occur frequently with Asperger's. It's possible that your brother suffers with one or both, which could exacerbate his troubles achieving his goals. It might be easier to address the possibility of depression/anxiety with your brother than his AS, since you believe that's a sore subject. It's worth noting that your mother managed to become a doctor, so right in your own family you have an example of an Aspie who accomplished something remarkable despite her different neurology. Asperger's itself isn't necessarily an insurmountable limitation. Many of us here are happy with who we are, and have made good (even excellent) lives for ourselves.

You're doing a wonderful thing by coming here, and by giving your brother the love and support he needs. Make yourself at home and ask anything you need to. We're always here to help. ;)
 
Hi, and welcome to the forum. It's true that both the media and professionals often portray AS in a negative light, treating it as a disability that needs to be overcome while overlooking the benefits it can bring. I would suggest that you read the advice and experiences of people with AS on this forum, as it will help you understand it better and get a better picture of it. Also, I would recommend that your brother have a look round the forum, too. A book which helped me a lot to see the positive side of Asperger's is Brenda Boyd's Appreciating Asperger Syndrome.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom