Selective mutism - will it ever get better?

[Darhom]

Hi, this is my first post. I’m 19 female and really struggle with social anxiety. I don’t actually have a diagnosis of selective mutism but there’s definitely something wrong. There are some people I can’t speak to at all. The words won’t come out. Even when I really want to, I can’t talk to these specific people. And it doesn’t really even make any sense who the people are. It’s easier for me to talk over video call / the phone than it is in person, but I still can’t ever actually guarantee I’ll be able to speak. I’ve struggled with this for as long as I can remember.

I don’t know anyone who gets it. All my life I’ve had people be disgusted with me for it. Some of my earliest memories are of being told off for not talking. I thought I would outgrow it. Everyone told me I would. But I’m an adult now and it hasn’t gone away. I take Prozac and that’s helped but I still struggle massively. I have no idea how I’m ever going to get a job or anything. I think people assume I’m being rude or that I’m not interested. I wish I could speak to people freely, like everyone else seems to be able to. That’s been my dream for as long as I can remember.

I don’t know what to do to make it better. Will it ever go away? It’s so hard to access help because everything seems to be locked behind speaking.

 

[FayetheAspie]

Welcome! Have you tried those electronic talking device things (I'm not sure what they are called) that nonverbal people use ?

 

[vergil96]

I wish I knew how to fix it myself :/ It only got worse with age honestly, after I burnt out. I also am hard of hearing, so I think a lack of exposure to speech plays a significant role for me. It takes too much effort and I'm exhausted. My auditory processing also got a lot worse as a consequence of the burnout. If you have sensory processing issues, that might play a role for you too. They can work very differently for different people, but result is not taking in some of the sensory information.

I have not spoken or almost not spoken for weeks and even months at a time. Although it's not a huge problem unless you face certain settings. Maybe it was easier for me, because if you have a visible disability, people are more willing to help and accommodate and I simply don't hear with background noise. - That being said, there is nothing wrong with writing or typing responses. It's also good if you can gesture what you want to communicate like point at it. When I go the the reception at a clinic for example, there are too many people and noises and I've got no idea what the receptionist is saying. I mean, it's easy to guess some of it, right? But not the specifics. It often ends on handing pieces of paper or forms with circles, and on pointing and gesturing things. I don't use the phone unless neccesary either. Everything can be done through emails and text messages.

I have learnt to sign too, but it might have problems too if anxiety or overstimulation is a part of it for you too, becuase it sounds like it if voice and video calls are easier for you. Both anxiety and feeling overwhelmed will steal the needed resources to respond in real time. There are plenty of health proffessionals - doctors, therapists and others who do online visits if it is helpful for you. Also food for thought, some members on here have expressed that for them it is problematic to respond in real time, because they "lag" with sensory processing. Therefore cope better with asynchronous communication such as emials or forum posts.

 

[Xinyta]

Welcome to the fold, @Darhom

I totally get you. I have a bit of a issue with it myself. Though it was so much worse 3 years ago. Selective mutism is very frustrating. But one thing to consider is how you look at people and situations. As you ASD can play a significant factor in that. Socail interaction will always be the bane of our existence. But learning to adapt, is the only way to make it easier. And minimize your selective mutism.

But to answer your question. No. It'll truly not go away. But with practice, it can be less present. Though if it's a particular struggle, like it is with @vergil96. Using alternative methods to communicate can help.

What you need to understand though, is that you are wonderful person with or without this issue. We all are different in our special ways. But we all know how painful it is to be in the NT world.

You are understood here.

 

[Angular Chap]

Hello and welcome, @Darhom

During my autism diagnosis, they identified that I was non-verbal in certain situations. Rather than having a separate diagnosis of selective mutism, being non-verbal is a component of my autism. I’ll share with you my thought process so far.

You’ve already taken the first step by accepting your situation and writing about it. Congrats on getting to that milestone.

Now, consider how you would like to think about your situation. Maybe you feel more comfortable with considering autism and selective mutism to be 2 separate things, or you might feel it is more accurate to think about selective mutism as being a part of your autism.

Next, separating out the 2 main types of communication might help you decide where your strengths are.

There are 2 main types of communication, expressive and receptive.

Expressive communication is when you approach other people. Examples include approaching the reception for a medical appointment, starting up a conversation with someone and making a phone call.

Receptive communication is when other people approach you. Examples include being approached by someone asking for help, knowing how to respond in a conversation and receiving a phone call.

I went into more detail here:

Thread 'Expressive vs receptive communication and masking'

Feb 26, 2025

While looking deeper into the specifics of me going non-verbal, I discovered 2 main types of communication: expressive and receptive. A great discussion on here the other day inspired me to elaborate further. Maybe this will help other people fine tune their thoughts on their own communication strengths and weaknesses.

Put simply, expressive communication is approaching other people, while receptive communication is being approached by other people.

Expressive communication

A few components of expressive communication include:

- Output (vs input for receptive).
- Active (vs...

• Angular Chap
• commmunication masking
• Replies: 5
• Forum: General Autism Discussion

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Think about which one is your strength and which one is your weakness, or are you equally bad at both.

I discovered my expressive was good but my receptive was bad. So bad, it makes me go non-verbal. I refined my issues down further:

1. Sometimes I know what to say, but I can’t get the words out because I’ve shut down.

2. Sometimes it goes beyond just speech. I don’t know how to react at all.

I understand the words themselves and their meanings, but I can’t process how to react.

In the end, I came to the conclusion that I go non-verbal during receptive communication because I don’t know how to react, because I can’t process how to react, because I’m autistic.

But you can learn to adapt.

Being open about my autism helped, combined with informing people that going non-verbal sometimes is part of me being autistic.

Your written communication is great, you are easy to understand, articulate and polite. That is a strength you can use to adapt. I find ways to replace my verbal communication with written, such as texting, messaging and e-mail. Official correspondence is moving away from in-person and phone calls to websites and apps.

I have a system that I’ve been working on. For expressive communication, I’ll wear a generic “I’m autistic” badge and lanyard. For receptive communication, I’ll be carrying some autism alert cards that say I’m non-verbal when approached, I don’t require assistance, and they can help me by leaving me alone. Also using a tablet with pre-prepared responses informing people I’m autistic, but that might not always help since sometimes I don’t even know how to even react in the first place, let alone speak.

Through time and experience, you can research and explore your own situation, develop your own methods of communication, adapt and modify them, then your success with them will grow.

All the best.

 

[AspieChris]

Darhom,

My advice is to try EVERYTHING. I mean all of the stupid little tricks that sound ludicrous, but don’t cost anything to try. Such as:

Wearing one earplug. It sounds impossible but it actually helped me randomly when I was younger (50 years old now). It creates pressure in the ear, feedback inside your skull when you talk, and greatly reduces that feeling of sounds hitting you from all directions.

Wearing one earbud with the same song or movie playing softly over and over. It’s just distracting enough to help sometimes.

Having something to do with your hands, like a fidget spinner or a hot cup of coffee (or cocoa) to sip on.

Etc.

Selective mutism is a reaction to stress. I have experienced it once and it’s unbelievable how the words we’re trying to get out, but all of the doors to my mouth were locked. It can also be an accumulation of anticipation of stress that the brain collects, like a hoarder who keeps old newspapers for the coupons. Kill the stress before it begins and you might kill the stress response.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome @Darhom

I hope the input above is useful to you. In addition to that, I would encourage you to not internalize this as something negative about yourself as a person. How you feel about yourself does not need to be determined by unkind people who do not understand. What you described is relatable and relatively common among folks here.

Do the best you can to block out the voices of those who showed disgust or made you feel badly about this. Not being able to speak in certain situations has no relevance to your worth, value, and competence as a person. It may take some creative approaches to overcome this challenge, but it does not make you inferior to anyone else.

One compounding issue is that the more we worry about talking and beat ourselves up for not being able to, the worse it will get. One of the underlying factors contributing to what you described could very well be anxiety, which can quickly cause a “freeze” reaction in the body. This can affect muscles and brain function required for speaking. It’s not something you can easily overcome, but with persistent effort to understand your experience and useful support (like from others who have similar issues or a mental health professional) you can probably get some control over this.