Selfishness?

[AspieChris]

Why is it that NT’s are allowed to be self-absorbed, even rewarded for specializing in whatever they’re good at. The men don’t do dishes or change diapers and nobody judges them. The women don’t ever open the hood on the family car or use the bar-b-que and it only reinforces their feminine qualities. But I always feel like I have to do everything. And when I fail to cook that steak perfectly or I just don’t want to change another diaper, suddenly I’m trouble. Doesn’t matter if I’m at work or home.

Is it just me? Did I create a bad situation for myself by always trying to help everyone and now they all just expect me to give more of myself?

 

[Hypnalis]

You've allowed this to happen.

That doesn't make the path or your present situation "wrong". But it's clearly time for you to review your circumstances.

"Selfishness" is a pejorative way to refer to a necessary trait. Everyone needs to look out for their own interests. Those that don't, get exploited - sometimes without the exploiter(s) even realizing it.

Assuming you're in an LTR, and you think things are out of balance, your first action is to change nothing.
Don't signal any change in your thoughts or preferences until you have a plan.

If the term "selfish" has been weaponized against you, along with your review you'll need to learn some counter-measures, in case you need them later.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Why is it that NT’s are allowed to be self-absorbed, even rewarded for specializing in whatever they’re good at. The men don’t do dishes or change diapers and nobody judges them. The women don’t ever open the hood on the family car or use the bar-b-que and it only reinforces their feminine qualities. But I always feel like I have to do everything. And when I fail to cook that steak perfectly or I just don’t want to change another diaper, suddenly I’m trouble. Doesn’t matter if I’m at work or home.

Is it just me? Did I create a bad situation for myself by always trying to help everyone and now they all just expect me to give more of myself?

If you are talking about the roles you and your wife have as a couple, this is ALL about communication and your family's situation. As @Hypnalis suggested you and your wife have allowed this to happen.

My family's situation was different in that my wife and I both work long hours, but things still need to get done, as you can understand. So, when push came to shove, we both did laundry, cleaned the house, did the dishes, mowed the lawn, because things needed to get done, and it was simply a matter of who was available when it came time to do it. When the kids were around, same dance. It was shared duties. Divide and conquer. However, there was some truth to the observation that when we were both at home, I was responsible for the yardwork, vehicle maintenance, and using the bar-b-que.

Obviously, if there is a spouse that spends more time at home than the other, the person at home will most likely do the majority of the household chores and childcare.

The roles you have are up to you, as a couple to decide. Obviously, there must be some sort of balance, or else someone is going to sense some unfairness.

 

[Misty Avich]

If an NT does something selfish it just get justified but if an Aspie does something selfish we get a lecture on to "never be selfish" and to "think of other people's feelings!" Just buzz off, I know what I'm doing, I'm not 5, I don't need people's feelings explained to me. It really drives me demented.

Like when you get bullied by an NT people usually say that they're bullying because they've been bullied themselves and are insecure or whatever. But if an Aspie bullies someone for that same reason, oh dear, we're selfish evil hypocrites lacking empathy and no excuses.

 

[Ella Spell]

All the men I know do dishes and change diapers, assuming they have kids. My brother even changed my mum's diapers when she needed them after surgery. I open the car hood and barbecue although I suppose I'm not NT. Does that make me less feminine? I must have missed the memo for that. It didn't even occur to me. I own a whole house by myself and do whatever needs done. I get annoyed by helpless people who can't do things for themselves, or any person who thinks basic cleanliness and cooking food belongs to a specific gender. We all eat, don't we? How do young men live in their own bachelor pad if they can't cook or clean?

 

[AspieChris]

How do young men live in their own bachelor pad if they can't cook or clean?

Have you ever been inside a true bachelor pad when he wasn’t expecting company? I have, too many times. men can be absolutely disgusting.

True story:
I grew up with a friend who lived with only his father. Two guys in a two bedroom house. I wish I was making this up, but they NEVER flushed the toilet. They would go months without flushing it even though it was overflowing with everything that goes into a normal toilet. And every time I used their bathroom I would get reminded to not flush.

My buddy hadn’t washed his bed sheets in several years. They ate out every meal, mostly fast food.They had cats, but no litter box. And the list goes on.

 

[Misty Avich]

My husband is a good cook and usually cooks the dinners. He does the shopping as well, because he has the car so it's easier. I take care of the cleaning and the laundry. I work more hours than he does so he doesn't mind doing the shopping and cooking, in fact he likes cooking. I am capable of doing those things too, and I used to do the shopping and the cooking when he used to work long hours, but now that he's home more during the day and has the car then he doesn't mind doing it.

Our chores aren't anything to do with gender, although I did grow up in a household where Dad worked 6 days a week and Mum stayed home and did all the housework, shopping and school runs. But because these days people throw tantrums when women are housewives, I try to be less old school. Although I'd rather be a housewife than go to work lol.

 

[AspieChris]

If you are talking about the roles you and your wife have as a couple, this is ALL about communication and your family's situation. As @Hypnalis suggested you and your wife have allowed this to happen.

My family's situation was different in that my wife and I both work long hours, but things still need to get done, as you can understand. So, when push came to shove, we both did laundry, cleaned the house, did the dishes, mowed the lawn, because things needed to get done, and it was simply a matter of who was available when it came time to do it. When the kids were around, same dance. It was shared duties. Divide and conquer. However, there was some truth to the observation that when we were both at home, I was responsible for the yardwork, vehicle maintenance, and using the bar-b-que.

Obviously, if there is a spouse that spends more time at home than the other, the person at home will most likely do the majority of the household chores and childcare.

The roles you have are up to you, as a couple to decide. Obviously, there must be some sort of balance, or else someone is going to sense some unfairness.

I was actually referring to everyone, my wife included. I do absolutely everything that needs to get done, even the ‘woman’s work’. She helps me with anything I need. We are really good together. Although there was a time when I’d get into trouble if the sink was left with dirty dishes, but it never crossed my mind to ask her to check the oil in the car.

Maybe it’s just me.

 

[AspieChris]

My husband is a good cook and usually cooks the dinners. He does the shopping as well, because he has the car so it's easier. I take care of the cleaning and the laundry. I work more hours than he does so he doesn't mind doing the shopping and cooking, in fact he likes cooking. I am capable of doing those things too, and I used to do the shopping and the cooking when he used to work long hours, but now that he's home more during the day and has the car then he doesn't mind doing it.

Our chores aren't anything to do with gender, although I did grow up in a household where Dad worked 6 days a week and Mum stayed home and did all the housework, shopping and school runs. But because these days people throw tantrums when women are housewives, I try to be less old school. Although I'd rather be a housewife than go to work lol.

My wife has been a housewife for about 20 years. She works her fingers to the bone at home while I’m at work so that we can both try and relax when I get home. It works really well for us because the overall work load is fairly balanced between us.

 

[Misty Avich]

My wife has been a housewife for about 20 years. She works her fingers to the bone at home while I’m at work so that we can both try and relax when I get home. It works really well for us because the overall work load is fairly balanced between us.

What you do in your partnership is none of my business and nobody has the right to lecture you on how you live. You have a good system going as it works for you both, and it's important to have this compromise in a partnership.

 

[AspieChris]

What you do in your partnership is none of my business and nobody has the right to lecture you on how you live. You have a good system going as it works for you both, and it's important to have this compromise in a partnership.

Absolutely. I agree. It doesn’t matter what a married couple do that makes it work. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

 

[AspieChris]

Back to my original question. It really applies to people outside of my marriage, particularly at work and what I witness in other relationships.

Example: My boss at work is going on vacation and asks me to run the shop while he’s gone. Next he’s going out of town for a funeral, and again I’m left to do my work plus 1/2 of his. Eventually I’m running the shop while he’s at work and doing 2x as much work as everyone else but still getting the same paycheck as them. Everyone else tells him ‘no’ but when I get overwhelmed with the extra responsibilities and want to quit, I’m the bad guy who is refusing to do the work.

Why is it that the other guys just said ’no’ and nothing happened, but when I eventually said ‘no’….. the boss gets angry at me?

 

[Ella Spell]

I don’t care about how couples make it work either. I’d love to be a stay home mother / housewife if someone else was paying the bills, but I would do it to perfection to make sure I was pulling my weight. I’m not a freeloader. I don’t care if the other woman / man was staying home and I was working so long as there’s a balance and both people are equally responsible.

 

[Ella Spell]

That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t know how to barbecue or that the other person wouldn’t know how to do things from my responsibility list, just that we’d sorted out what was fair.

Yes I’ve been in bachelor pads and student flats belonging to my son and his friends. They can get a bit messy because they’re so busy studying or working but so could mine as a student. They certainly knew how to clean and feed themselves though. I’d be ashamed otherwise.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I was actually referring to everyone, my wife included. I do absolutely everything that needs to get done, even the ‘woman’s work’. She helps me with anything I need. We are really good together. Although there was a time when I’d get into trouble if the sink was left with dirty dishes, but it never crossed my mind to ask her to check the oil in the car.

Maybe it’s just me.

Some women are perfectly capable of checking the oil, changing a tire, and doing basic maintenance on their vehicles, but to be honest, many MEN and WOMEN are not. I would be willing to bet that the majority of people under the age of 30, now-a-days, would not even know where the hood latch is, let alone know what was sitting in the engine bay.

For those of us that have been trained to do vehicle maintenance, oil checks and changes may seem like an easy task, but this is something that is rarely taught now-a-days.

Off topic: My daughter-in-law is from the Minneapolis-St. Paul region of Minnesota. She was flabbergasted that people in Michigan actually knew what kind of car they were driving and what kind of engine they had in it. As she said to us, "People in Minnesota, if you ask them what kind of car they drive, they might say "a blue one" or "a white one"."

I had to show her and my son how to do a brake job on her 1992 Saturn a few years ago, (what a P.I.T.A.) but she dove into it, wanted to do it all, so respect.

 

[Hypnalis]

Why is it that the other guys just said ’no’ and nothing happened, but when I eventually said ‘no’….. the boss gets angry at me?

You didn't manage his expectations appropriately.

Work flows naturally from lazy people to diligent people. It's ok to allow it once or twice, but signal that it can't become a regular thing. There are different protocols for this.

Letting something become routine, then stopping, will annoy the one receiving the favors.
Yes - it's unfair. Even forcing you to defend your own time rather than the person asking handling it is unfair.
But a lot of people do that. And not just narcissists.

Learn to recognize it, and a few management techniques, and it will become easy.

 

[AspieChris]

Learn to recognize it, and a few management techniques, and it will become easy

Yeah…. I’m working on that now. I’m trying to start with ‘no’ instead of ‘yes’ and then taking it back afterwards.

 

[Hypnalis]

Glad to hear you're moving on this.

There are lot of options for saying no, but also some things to avoid. Start with the standard "anti-narc" tool for framing refusals:

The short version is "don't JADE" (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

Most people provide a "nice" explanation for a refusal out of misplaced politeness.
But that that requires the other person to be polite too. And you didn't open this thread to report that you're dealing with polite people Politeness is a counter-productive with a vampire.

Prepare some minimal "closed" responses. And prepare a follow-up in case it's needed.

At no point should you do any of "JADE". All of them can be treated as negotiable or "open" by vampires, who will have more experience at this than you.

 

[AspieChris]

Prepare some minimal "closed" responses. And prepare a follow-up in case it's needed.

I’m working on that too. I have always started with an excuse. That’s the wrong way to approach anything. But I also suck at thinking quickly when I feel like the other person will be unhappy with my response, so my default has always been to do whatever will make them happy. That has always been the mechanism that leads me to being a doormat. And I also feel selfish when I could actually do what is being asked of me or help someone when I am able.

I’ve wasted sooooo much time and money solving other people’s problems that they really should be solving for themselves.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Pulling your own weight in terms of a relationship is really an agreed-upon task. If you find yourself doing things you didn't sign up for, maybe it's time to start saying, "I can do x, y and z all day, but if you can handle that thing, that would be awesome".

If your SO is reasonable, you can probably reach common ground without a screaming match.