Sense of Belonging.

[Billy1984]

I have a big problem finding a sense of belonging. As long as i can remember I've been looking for my place in this world that doesn't involve being alone at home. I want people in my life, but they always just come and go. I have many friendly acquaintances, but no true friendships. I get a lot of unanswered calls, ignored texts, and ignored facebook posts. People say they think i'm funny, friendly, and good company. Some girls say they think i'm cute. But, nobody responds when i reach out. Am i just a gimmick to these people. I really don't get it. Has anyone else had this problem?

 

[Judge]

I really don't get it. Has anyone else had this problem?

I'd wager most of us here have.

One thing I've learned here is that our perception of friendship appears to be very different from Neurotypicals. That we take such things far more seriously and intensely than they do. That we take the dynamics of social contact literally...directly. They don't. For me they can be totally confounding in this regard. It's alienating!

Friend and foe is black and white to us, while for them it may be in 256 shades of gray. Does that make any sense? Agree, disagree?

 

[Daniel]

Grab bag of thoughts on this subject...

I definitely do the black or white thing--you're either in or out with me. Doesn't take me long to figure it out, either. And it doesn't take much to put me off.

Neurotypicals don't like it if you're warm one day, cool the next. They take it personally.

I also have very little capacity for forming bonds with people. You really have to reciprocate affection, attention and interest in a sustained way. Relationships are like plants; you either keep feeding and watering them or they die. Apparently, a failure to bond/intimacy issues are at the heart of all addictions...that explains a lot!

The closest I've ever felt to a sense of belonging is here on AspiesCentral!

 

[GHA]

I'd wager most of us here have.

One thing I've learned here is that our perception of friendship appears to be very different from Neurotypicals. That we take such things far more seriously and intensely than they do. That we take the dynamics of social contact literally...directly. They don't. For me they can be totally confounding in this regard. It's alienating!

Friend and foe is black and white to us, while for them it may be in 256 shades of gray. Does that make any sense? Agree, disagree?

Judge,
Agreed!! I am a NT..

 

[Licorice]

I'd wager most of us here have.

One thing I've learned here is that our perception of friendship appears to be very different from Neurotypicals. That we take such things far more seriously and intensely than they do. That we take the dynamics of social contact literally...directly. They don't. For me they can be totally confounding in this regard. It's alienating!

Friend and foe is black and white to us, while for them it may be in 256 shades of gray. Does that make any sense? Agree, disagree?

Mm-hmm. Most people accept that people they meet and enjoy the company of day-to-day aren't playing for keeps, and since they meet so many people it may not matter too much.

 

[Daniel]

I have a big problem finding a sense of belonging. As long as i can remember I've been looking for my place in this world that doesn't involve being alone at home. I want people in my life, but they always just come and go. I have many friendly acquaintances, but no true friendships. I get a lot of unanswered calls, ignored texts, and ignored facebook posts. People say they think i'm funny, friendly, and good company. Some girls say they think i'm cute. But, nobody responds when i reach out. Am i just a gimmick to these people. I really don't get it. Has anyone else had this problem?

I relate to the "no true friendships" thing (even though I was lucky and met my best friend/spouse at university). But not as much to the unanswered calls, ignored texts--I don't actually reach out to people! So if it's any consolation, you've got one up on me there!

I'm into this thing called Human Design... one of the things I've learned from it is that some people are wired to initiate, some to wait and initiate, and some to wait and respond. I'm a wait-and-respond type, and it doesn't work out well for me nor feel good to me to try to initiate connections with people.

Getting out of the house is a good step. That's a hard one for me, too. I don't know what your interests are, but if there's any way to do activities you like outside the house and connect with other people through them, that might be a good start. Like for me, when I feel like I want to connect with other people who are into playing music, I'll check out the local open mic night. And this time, I'll probably try to be more open to people!

 

[Judge]

Perhaps being an Aspie is one reason I've always had a certain morbid fascination with authoritarian mass movements. Most if not all were grotesque in terms of ideology and policy. But that awesome sense of belonging- that I never, ever experienced on even the smallest of levels. Something admittedly I'd like to have experienced at some time in my life and never have.

LOL...I don't even belong to a political party. Registered non-partisan. Perhaps not my political conscience at all, but simply a reflection of being a perpetual outsider.

Go figure...

 

[chuckintime]

Hey billy. I know exactly how you feel. My past freindships and relationships have generally had one theme. because I could never sustain the amount of affection and "reciprocity"(good word choice) people were looking for I would try to make up for it with monetary value, like buying gifts or paying for stuff. and then the only friends you get are the ones looking for freebies. And one day you wake up realize you truly are still alone and you sever all ties and retreat, to the safety of seclusion. I have been putting in huge work trying to "teach" myself to be social. I had no idea I had aspies. And What I can tell you is that it is possible to get better in social situations, but it will always take considerable effort on your part to do what most people do without thinking about it. Which can be endlessly frustrating. I guess it depends how badly you want to have the relationships. Or you may simply choose to accept the way it is and try to find a way to live with it.

On a side note, I believe this forum is the closest thing I've had to a sense of belonging

 

[ghoulbler]

Yeah I feel you.
I don't like having friends that I'm not very close to. It feels.. messy, for lack of a better word. I just want one friend who I can trust.
I used to have a best friend. That was the first person I have ever felt completely connected to, but I kind of messed that up and they left my life forever. Trying not to blame myself because they had a lot of issues they were dealing with, so that probably played a big role. But now I feel very left-out and have been trying to become closer to those I already know and I've even tried talking to new people and none if it felt right. They just felt like burdens. It felt like having something you were supposed to complete and it was very important, then never doing it. Not sure why it felt like that, but it did. I couldn't sleep at night. It was very unpleasant so I cut contact with most of the people I used to have casual conversation with.
I still have that empty place now, that place where a good friend used to be. I've been trying to fill that empty place with studying things I enjoy and it works for the most part. Just waiting to feel that closeness to someone again.
It'll happen. Lots of people tell me to go out and look, but that's not how I got my last friend at all. It just kind of happened, and I think that's the most natural way to gain a friendship. It feels right. You can put yourself in positions to gain friends, but don't feel as if you need to strain yourself. Keep yourself busy, do things on a daily basis to "get out there", but don't try to force things to happen. They just will.

 

[Aspieistj]

I would love to attend an Aspie only summer camp. How NTs think, believe, feel and react could be topics for discussion but no Aspie would feel any pressure to "stop" being an Aspie. The only people present would be Aspies and we would have an opportunity to feel how life would be if we were like everyone else. Obviously, the world is mostly NT so it could be only an interesting experiment, but I bet at the end of the summer we might also feel more appreciation of NTs. We would experience how Aspies can irritate one another. I do wish I ha a really close Aspie friend so I could enjoy a "safe" relationship. For those of you who know about the Myers-Briggs theory of personalities, I was once placed in a group of all ISTJs (I am an ISTJ) and given strategic, theoretical problems to solve. We all agreed on the solutions and could even finish each other's sentences. I doubt that much variety would be experienced in this group over a long time. We need a variety of people. What we don't need is one variety trying to force anyone else to be assimilated.

 

[chuckintime]

I would love to attend an Aspie only summer camp. How NTs think, believe, feel and react could be topics for discussion but no Aspie would feel any pressure to "stop" being an Aspie. The only people present would be Aspies and we would have an opportunity to feel how life would be if we were like everyone else. Obviously, the world is mostly NT so it could be only an interesting experiment, but I bet at the end of the summer we might also feel more appreciation of NTs. We would experience how Aspies can irritate one another. I do wish I ha a really close Aspie friend so I could enjoy a "safe" relationship. For those of you who know about the Myers-Briggs theory of personalities, I was once placed in a group of all ISTJs (I am an ISTJ) and given strategic, theoretical problems to solve. We all agreed on the solutions and could even finish each other's sentences. I doubt that much variety would be experienced in this group over a long time. We need a variety of people. What we don't need is one variety trying to force anyone else to be assimilated.

I was thinking the same, or an aspie only school. I believe I was held back from pursuing more advanced things because of my inability to blend in socially. I believe there is no limit to what an aspie can accomplish given the proper environment.

 

[Drake Marino]

I sort of have this problem. I have like, 3 close friends I talk to and do things with outside of school, and then about 15 acquaintances. My problem is that I have a lot of acquaintances, but very few friends. In other words, I have people to talk to in school, but not too many texting buddies or people to hang out with on the weekends. It's really frustrating.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I feel the exact same way. Whenever I see a group of people talking, laughing and having fun, I wonder how it feels, because they seem to belong and I don't know what it feels like to belong anywhere or with anyone.

 

[Divrom]

EXCELLENT post, Judge!

The frustrating thing is that I'm pretty sure I'd be an excellent friend, given half a chance.

I'd wager most of us here have.

One thing I've learned here is that our perception of friendship appears to be very different from Neurotypicals. That we take such things far more seriously and intensely than they do. That we take the dynamics of social contact literally...directly. They don't. For me they can be totally confounding in this regard. It's alienating!

Friend and foe is black and white to us, while for them it may be in 256 shades of gray. Does that make any sense? Agree, disagree?

 

[Divrom]

For the record, this is the thing that frustrates me most about being Aspie.

 

[Billy1984]

Thank you everybody. It looks like it's not uncommon. I just found out i'm an aspie about a year ago and am just now discovering a lot of answers to my weird eccentric life.

 

[nowwhat]

I think you probably belong here. I can certainly relate to what you're saying. I've always believed that I don't fit in anywhere. I have just accepted it, and have stopped looking for a place to fit in, in the way that many seem to find, anyway.

 

[GHA]

EXCELLENT post, Judge!

The frustrating thing is that I'm pretty sure I'd be an excellent friend, given half a chance.

Aspies can be the most wonderful friends. If and only if they lower their expectations. NT's are very casual in their friendship. I have had only three or four friends all my life. The rest, I call acquaintances, they come and go... I guess? Aspies get offended by non-verbal communication, and most often Aspies take it negatively, while the reality maybe very different.

 

[chuckintime]

Aspies can be the most wonderful friends. If and only if they lower their expectations. NT's are very casual in their friendship. I have had only three or four friends all my life. The rest, I call acquaintances, they come and go... I guess? Aspies get offended by non-verbal communication, and most often Aspies take it negatively, while the reality maybe very different.

Yea lowering expectations can be a big part of it. I had a horrible habit of expecting too much from people, but I finally realized that not even I could live up to my own expectations, then I was forced to lower them, and that can help a lot.

 

[myk384]

For me, it was a mixed bag. Some people come and go and saying to me that they are happy to have me as a friend is a compliment in itself.