separation issues

[fluffywarmcat]

Hello,
I am a partner to a woman with AS and whenever I need to go out without her, whether it's to see friends, training, or work related, she often seems very distressed (even if she wants me to go or knows that I have to) and we were both wondering if this is a common AS trait as it often causes meltdown issues.
If anyone can offer any insight on this we would be most grateful, whether or not it is specific to AS
Thank you for your time

 

[Suzanne]

I used to be like this with my husband but had not even heard of Aspergers. For me it was sheer blinding INSECURITY. He was the only one in my life and so, I was petrified of him not coming back home.

I cannot say that it is necessarily an aspie trait though, because for me, I have a horrible childhood history and thus, I am sure it is connected to that.

She is obviously petrified of you not coming back ie an accident or something.

Personally, I would look into her history and see if there are any clues there!

 

[Judge]

It could mean a number of things in the case of your significant other. It isn't that we are patently anti-social. We just do better with people in relatively small doses. Even then, positive social encounters with complete strangers or friends can still be mentally and emotionally exhausting for us.

When it comes to couples it seems almost an optimal situation for having a caring NT partner to an Aspie who is willing to act as their "wingman". Or "interpreter" to keep them out of trouble with NTs who are unaware of autism issues.

Otherwise quite often the world beyond our front door can be a very hostile place in so many ways that are meaningless to most Neurotypicals. It shapes us into being very defensive beings. Where any social encounter, or just being around lots of people can seem threatening at times. Even a total stranger approaching us to ask the time might seem completely menacing to some Aspies.

In this regard for some, a potential meltdown or shutdown might always be "just around the next corner".

So yeah, to those Aspies who have their special "wingman", I can see how they wouldn't want to leave home without them. When ya got your own personal "wingman", you don't need an American Express card!

And for those of us who are perpetually alone...it's just that much harder.

 

[royinpink]

Oh, I was TOTALLY like that, and I do think it is at least somewhat an Aspie thing. Or a female aspie thing. Or an insecure aspie thing.

The thing is, I feel this sense of dread and anxiety whenever someone leaves. If I actually like them, anyway. But with friends, I know that running after them screaming "DON'T GO!" is just crazy. It just takes me awhile to calm down after they go. It's the change and uncertainty that get me. Once I can get back to routine, it's fine, but in that moment, there is nothing that can make it fine because they are going and that has disrupted everything. (That sentence is what happened when I tried to articulate the feeling. All-or-nothing thinking, much?)

For some reason, with significant others, I don't have the same block. Maybe it's because the intimacy has led me to feel that I can cross boundaries I can't with a friend and expose them to my meltdowns. Maybe it's that the feeling is that much more intense, and I really CAN'T control it the way I can with friends. Probably both.

The most I can say is plan out transitions, make sure she knows what she's going to do when you leave and that it's something she's happy with, make sure you leave exactly on schedule and she knows when you will come back, and keep contact while you are gone to remind her that even though you have disappeared, you do in fact still exist and care for her. This may seem silly. But it helps. Of course, everyone is different and these are just one person's suggestions.

It's harder than prepping for other kinds of changes for the reasons Judge mentioned above: not only is this a change (which in itself is difficult for aspies), she is also emotionally sensitive, and she relies on you to cope with the world (for me, it's executive functioning as much as or even more than social things). So this is like a triple whammy. And yet, because it's so normal for other people, it feels all the more ridiculous and guilt-inducing when it happens.

I recently revisited this list of female aspie traits and was reminded how great she is at describing women on the spectrum. So perhaps you can find more there (I was looking for something specific but I forgot!). I must say, it's wonderful that you try so hard to understand your partner and her triggers. Really.

 

[HappyHermit]

Personally, I would tend to think that the separation anxiety is unrelated to your girlfriend being on the spectrum. Being on the spectrum may influence how someone expresses separation anxiety, perhaps, but I have never heard of it as a symptom of ASD in adults. However, when I just now did a search for 'separation anxiety' and 'Asperger's', some sites do come up, albeit for Asperger's in children. I can't say anything about their calibre and credibilty, though, since I only skimmed through the first few.

But, separation anxiety can be an issue in a variety of conditions and/or experiences that affect mental health, so I would caution against the availability error in deciding straight away that it must be caused by your girlfriend's Asperger's, and I would encourage her to do some soulsearching and research, with your help and support. You may be right in linking it to AS, but she may also discover other dynamics and, personally, I think she (and your relationship with her) can only profit from a deeper understanding of the persons involved.

Finally, I would also do a quick review of the relationship to date, and whether anything happened that could have given rise to her separation anxiety that stems from this specific dynamic and not from within one person or from only one person's past experiences. It doesn't have to be anything malignant - simple misunderstandings or different ways of doing things can sometimes compound into distorted views that then give rise to anxiety.

 

[ImAnAspie]

Not me. When I had a partner, I couldn't wait for her to go out so I could be all alone. I even wrote it in a book once and some time later, she found it. She was not impressed!