Sexual Assault survivor (I have ASD)

[RachelN]

Hello,

I'm new to the site, and my girlfriend is in fact helping me write this. I'm not all that great with words, and tend to over analyze everything I say. So, hopefully this will make sense to a lot of you, and you can help.

I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years and a half now. We fall in love with each other almost instantly. I thought about her all the time. However, she had a twin sister, Karen. Karen and Jane look pretty similar, but similar enough to where I get confused. I started hanging out with Karen as friends. She seemed nice. However, one day, when we were sitting in class, she raped me. I was at my computer, and she got on top of me and I couldn't get her off. We were the only two people in class.

My girlfriend already reported her, but the rape has caused a lot of heartbreak. Karen and I lost a best friend that day, and this heartbreak has caused distrust in our relationship. Mostly because we both trusted Karen, and now we don't know how to trust each other.

Jane and I have started having sex recently, and it's amazing. I love it. We're both sexual assault survivors, so we thought it would be hard. But, I've never met a more patient person in my life. All we do is ask questions, and keep talking. If I ever grow silent she'll just say "Rachel? Rachel, you're quiet. Are you okay?"

Recently, I've been getting nightmares, and I just can't get over what this girl did. She, since she raped me, has tried to drive Jane and I a part. The degree of manipulation has given Jane PTSD. Honestly, Karen is insane. There is something seriously wrong with her.

I'm not sure why I am making this post. I guess I just feel alone. I am trying to find a therapist, but I am too afraid to talk to them about everything that happened. So, I resort to drugs which makes Jane angry.

I don't want to lose Jane. I don't know what to do. Someone help me. Because of ASD, I don't know what to say most of the time. I don't know how to get help when I need it.

Jane asked me to just tell her when I am overstimulated or am about to use. However, I never do...I just look at her blankly.

 

[Isadoorian]

Welcome; I am so sorry to hear about what you've gone through. One of my Ex GFs, over a year ago now, revealed she'd been raped constantly by her moms sleazy boyfriend, and what made it even worse is their home was so full of crap they all had to sleep in the living room

And you need Rehab and Therapy. Drugs is not the answer to this. Eventually, this will all be behind you, a distant memory. The horrors may come up time and time again, but the present and future is what comes first.

Also, the fact that your GF can't trust you over a serious incident like this is appalling. I say she's heavily in the wrong here, and that's a big giant red flag in my eyes.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Hello,

I'm new to the site, and my girlfriend is in fact helping me write this. I'm not all that great with words, and tend to over analyze everything I say. So, hopefully this will make sense to a lot of you, and you can help.

I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years and a half now. We fall in love with each other almost instantly. I thought about her all the time. However, she had a twin sister, Karen. Karen and Jane look pretty similar, but similar enough to where I get confused. I started hanging out with Karen as friends. She seemed nice. However, one day, when we were sitting in class, she raped me. I was at my computer, and she got on top of me and I couldn't get her off. We were the only two people in class.

My girlfriend already reported her, but the rape has caused a lot of heartbreak. Karen and I lost a best friend that day, and this heartbreak has caused distrust in our relationship. Mostly because we both trusted Karen, and now we don't know how to trust each other.

Jane and I have started having sex recently, and it's amazing. I love it. We're both sexual assault survivors, so we thought it would be hard. But, I've never met a more patient person in my life. All we do is ask questions, and keep talking. If I ever grow silent she'll just say "Rachel? Rachel, you're quiet. Are you okay?"

Recently, I've been getting nightmares, and I just can't get over what this girl did. She, since she raped me, has tried to drive Jane and I a part. The degree of manipulation has given Jane PTSD. Honestly, Karen is insane. There is something seriously wrong with her.

I'm not sure why I am making this post. I guess I just feel alone. I am trying to find a therapist, but I am too afraid to talk to them about everything that happened. So, I resort to drugs which makes Jane angry.

I don't want to lose Jane. I don't know what to do. Someone help me. Because of ASD, I don't know what to say most of the time. I don't know how to get help when I need it.

Jane asked me to just tell her when I am overstimulated or am about to use. However, I never do...I just look at her blankly.

Over analyzing and struggling with words is part of ASD but ASD is a blessing.
Sorry you had to go through that nightmare.
A great way of getting your feelings out and working through them is by making a dream journal. It brings things up from your subconscious that need an airing into your conscious awareness, as they are festering outside of your awareness, hence your need to use drugs.
I've struggled with drugs for years and am winning a battle with them now, tranquilisers, so have to come off them slowly at my own rate, but I made a small cut on Monday which is a postitive step.
Writing your thoughts and feelings down is also good.
As you and Jane have been assaulted, you can empathise with each other. I know it is popular belief that asd people are unempathic but I believe we repress empathy as it is too overwhelming, because we are so sensitive.
Jane cares about you and her anger springs from the fact that drugs are harmful and are not the answer.
They are a slippery slope which is hard to get out of.
It's great that you have found the strength, with Jane's help to share on here, that must have taken some guts and I respect you for that.
When you are about to use, can you stop and talk to yourself in your mind (or out loud) why do I need to do this?
If the drug is a tranquliser, don't stop abruptly, taper off slowly, as abrupt stoppage of tranqulisers is dangerous.
Another option is to email the samaritans and talk about your drug useage.
I am not trying to pry as to what drugs you use but as I have used so many, maybe I could help you if you want to share (privately if you want) as I may have had the same struggle with the drug you are struggling with.
I've conquered a good handful of different drugs, and tranquilisers is my last conquest, albeit, i am still mid-battle, but I am here to talk if you want to private message me.
If you don't, that's fine also, I will understand, I just thought i would stretch my arm out and offer my hand, as a fellow struggler with drugs.
I've also been sexually assaulted, (once when unconscious drunk, so I don't even know what kind of assault) been touched in inappropriate places etc, by males and females.
As Jane and Karen are twins, maybe she feels let down by her. Sorry it's caused Jane to distrust you, but maybe that's her dysfunctional way of expressing her upset about the horrible event.
Please don't let the drugs monster eat you though, I would hate you to have to go through the struggles I have been through with them.
Don't bottle it up, even if your confidante is a pen and paper.

 

[RachelN]

Wow. These are some of the nicest things ever said to me.

Jane is upset because Karen was her best friend for 29 years. Then she found out she basically tried to "steal" me away from her by raping me.

I think she is upset about the drugs because I keep saying I will get help, but never do. She's patient, though, and tries not to show how angry she gets. It's starting to really get to her, though. Especially since I've had to go to the hospital several times.

I love Jane more than anything. She is helping me write my thoughts on paper so I can do things like write dream journals.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Wow. These are some of the nicest things ever said to me.

Jane is upset because Karen was her best friend for 29 years. Then she found out she basically tried to "steal" me away from her by raping me.

I think she is upset about the drugs because I keep saying I will get help, but never do. She's patient, though, and tries not to show how angry she gets. It's starting to really get to her, though. Especially since I've had to go to the hospital several times.

I love Jane more than anything. She is helping me write my thoughts on paper so I can do things like write dream journals.

I'm glad these replies have helped you.
Karen did a wicked thing, that reflects on her not you.
Best of luck with your writing, let it be your wise counseellor from deep within your subconscious via your dreams.
Don't worry if you can't make heads or tails of them first, you will gradually learn your own subconscious personal language that is individual to you.
Jane just cares about you.
I used cannabis to mask my 'temper tantrums' as an adult, that i had all my life and ashamed of, if I hadnt of used it, I would probs have that ASD official diagnosis now, and not be expected to meet the demands of the confusing NT world.

 

[Isadoorian]

Then she found out she basically tried to "steal" me away from her by raping me.

yes, this mentality of hers is NOT ok whatsoever. Please, sit her butt down and have a serious discussion with her about this. This is extremely appalling, and quite frankly, very disgusting and vile behavior from my perspective, especially since I mentioned knowing someone who was close to me being sexually assaulted herself... I'd never ever forgive anyone if they said that if I were in your position.

 

[RachelN]

I don't want to have a serious talk with the person who raped me. :/. It was pretty traumatizing and I don't think it's the sort of thing you lecture someone about.

I just told her to stop talking to me completely. Now, I just have to heal and move on.

 

[Isadoorian]

I don't want to have a serious talk with the person who raped me. :/. It was pretty traumatizing and I don't think it's the sort of thing you lecture someone about.

I just told her to stop talking to me completely. Now, I just have to heal and move on.

I meant your GF you should talk to them about what they said... unless I'm confused...

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi @RachelN and welcome to the community.

Clearly you and Jane have a strong bond. Many of us understand the urge to self medicate, but if it's causing strain in your relationship, it's causing even more stress. It becomes a vicious cycle.
One thing that hasn't been mentioned, but I personally think is worthy of consideration is the law. Rape is a crime and Karen is a criminal for what she did to you. You need closure on this trauma so the law could be your ally in this. Even if you don't want to make a formal complaint about the rape itself (which may be very traumatic for you too) you could seek an exclusion/proximity order (or similar) to legally force Karen to keep her distance from you both. It can allow you both some breathing space so you can start to heal.

 

[china autie]

I am so sorry this happened to you.

(I have met a man who was raped by a woman, and a few women who were raped by women too).

If you ask for help or to stop something, may be an agreed upon word, hand signal, or whistle beforehand?

Drug usage: you may want to check out In The Rooms

Some of their online meetings are 12,step and some aren't. You do not have to label yourself to go there,and you do not have to talk. In particular I recommend the non12 step women warriors and soul sisters meetings.

As mentioned before: you can write to the Samaritans in the UK. All of their volunteers call themselves Jo and they will writ you back. I have done this and they are compassionate .
Here is how to contact them on their website:
Contact us

Healing takes time. I wish you healing, warmth, and peace.

 

[Butterfly88]

Welcome and so sorry to hear that. I'm also a sexual assault survivor. I definitely recommend therapy, has helped me.

 

[RachelN]

I meant your GF you should talk to them about what they said... unless I'm confused...

OOOOhh...yeah. She had a talk but she said she "didn't remember". So...I don't know. She is very manipulative. Sigh.

 

[RachelN]

To Everyone: Thank you.

Heather Jane reported Karen, and I will seek therapy. Thank you.

As far as if the police will be involved, again, I have no idea. She is extremely manipulative and there is no proof. Since I "look" like a guy they think that I wanted it. Even though I identify as a woman, and have yet to transition.

It was traumatic, but with you guys and my girlfriend maybe it'll be okay.

 

[paloftoon]

Your pain may never fully go away, and that's okay.
What you need to do is seek ways to fight and deal with the pain enough to the point where you can move on with your life. Sometimes, simply talking and gaining support for your friends and maybe even a counselor if feasible will help you regulate your thoughts and whole as a human being.
You deserve to give yourself that respect and confidence.

 

[SunnyDay16]

I agree with the others that you definitely need to see a therapist who specializes in recovering from sexual trauma. Talking to loved ones and having a support network is great, but it's not enough. You need to see a professional who can help you deal with the aftermath and develop coping strategies. I also think couples counseling might be a good idea too.