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Sexual attraction and Aspergers

Momo

Momo

Well-Known Larrikin
Hi, I've been having a lot of trouble with romantic relationships, mainly due to my seeming inability to be sexually attracted to anyone. At first, I thought I just had to find the right person, but now I realise it might be something more. I really want to be able to have a relationship with someone, and I suppose I've skipped out on many opportunities with decent guys because I can't seem to bring myself to be attracted to them the way they expect me to. I'm not sure if there's a way around this, or if all my chances at relationships are doomed because I can't even bring myself to think about sex let alone progress to the act. How can I fix this? All I really want is a meaningful relationship.
Thanks.
 
You may be Asexual.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation (like homosexuality, bisexuality, heterosexuality, etc.) and is defined as a lack of sexual attraction; an asexual is someone who is not sexually attracted to anyone. However, Asexuals can be romantically attracted to other people, for example, a biromantic asexual is someone who is not sexually attracted to anyone, but is romantically attracted to males and females.

There are asexuals who masturbate and enjoy sexually intimacy with others, while not being sexually attracted to anyone. Every asexual, just like every sexual person, is different and all fall on a wide range of wants and comfort level.
Sadly, there are asexuals who feel out of place and broken, due to the lack of general knowledge concerning asexuality and cultural portrayals of sex and sexuality.

If you're confused or want more information, check out this website: Overview | The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org
If what I've said is no help, I apologise.
 
AGXStarseed said:
You may be Asexual.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation (like homosexuality, bisexuality, heterosexuality, etc.) and is defined as a lack of sexual attraction; an asexual is someone who is not sexually attracted to anyone. However, Asexuals can be romantically attracted to other people, for example, a biromantic asexual is someone who is not sexually attracted to anyone, but is romantically attracted to males and females.

There are asexuals who masturbate and enjoy sexually intimacy with others, while not being sexually attracted to anyone. Every asexual, just like every sexual person, is different and all fall on a wide range of wants and comfort level.
Sadly, there are asexuals who feel out of place and broken, due to the lack of general knowledge concerning asexuality and cultural portrayals of sex and sexuality.

If you're confused or want more information, check out this website: Overview | The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org
If what I've said is no help, I apologise.
Click to expand...

Thank you, I'll look into it. This may not help with relationships, but information is always helpful.
 
Momo said:
How can I fix this? All I really want is a meaningful relationship.
Click to expand...

Well, whether you can "fix it" depends on what you believe to be true of human sexuality/sexual preferences. If you believe that it is something genetic that you are born with, then being asexual is like being on the spectrum and is not something you can "fix." It is it a learned or chosen thing, then perhaps it can be changed with treatment.

However, without taking a position (I'm undecided anyway), this is something I point out to you in case it helps. Discussing this can lead into what I understand to be the forbidden (for these forums) territory of discussing politics/religion, so I'll keep this to the bear minimum. It sounds like you're unhappy with your sexuality/sexual preference (or lack thereof more accurately), so I hope for your sake it is more an environmental/choice thing as opposed to genetics. However, even if that it the case, I'm not sure you'd find a therapist with a reliable treatment method.

If you have a preference however (you mentioned men), and you just lack sexual drive, then it might not be anything other than a hormone issue. Even in women, testosterone usually governs the appetite to sex (I'm probably understating this). Treatment for low-test do exist now, and I've read somewhere that peeps on the spectrum may tend to be pre-disposed to low-test.

Momo said:
Thank you, I'll look into it. This may not help with relationships, but information is always helpful.
Click to expand...

Well, you said relationships are difficult due to lack of sexual attraction. If AGX is right (and there's a good chance that he is), then being asexual explains the problem you're having and allows you to begin researching solutions. So... it should help, even if it is not a solution unto itself.
 
There is the concept that you might be looking in the wrong places. Try this on for size;
- make a list of what you believe (for yourself and for a relationship)
- make a list of what you value (for yourself and for a relationship, and what you value in a man)

Some topics that need to be on those lists are religion, sex, kids, family, emotional connection, political views, lifestyle, relationship style.

Now categorize each entry on each list as MUST or WANT.

I'm not advising that you use the list as a checklist, I advise that you do this as an exercise to help define what you need so that you can communicate and better understand that upfront. Visit your list every 3 to 6 months and re-write it.

At a minimum this will help to sort out that which is important to you quickly, leading to the possibility of sorting out and possibly finding your prospective partner sooner.

This exercise would also eliminate that feeling of "I can't seem to bring myself to be attracted to them the way they expect me to".
 
Hi Momo, I see from your profile that you are 17. Maybe it's an age issue. I read recently that aspies could start sexual activity later than NTs.
In my case, I was in a relationship with a boy (that I believe was aspie too) from the age of 16 to 19. I was in love with him (to the point that I still dream about him, 24 years later) but we never had intercourse. Long ago, I rationalized that fact thinking that I was terrified of getting pregnant, but now, I can admit that I just didn't feel like it.

Later, with another guy, I ended
up doing it at 21, because I wanted to be "normal" and I was curious about what was all the fuss about making love. But I think that if I had removed the part of "wanting to be normal", I'd probably wouldn't have had sex at that age either, but later, with a person that I was more attracted to.
In case that you are wondering, I've been in a relationship with the same guy (my husband) for 18 years, with sex . He's an aspie too, by the way.
I read recently about :
Sapiosexual
One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature; behaviour of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use.

I'm definitely attracted to intelligence (but not only). I've been attracted to people of both sexes (in all my life, not more than 20, counting people that I only saw once) but I've only been madly in love with two.

I like to think that, just as I am a picky eater, I'm also picky with who I fall in love, or with who I am attracted to.
 
Sabrina said:
Hi Momo, I see from your profile that you are 17. Maybe it's an age issue. I read recently that aspies could start sexual activity later than NTs.
In my case, I was in a relationship with a boy (that I believe was aspie too) from the age of 16 to 19. I was in love with him (to the point that I still dream about him, 24 years later) but we never had intercourse. Long ago, I rationalized that fact thinking that I was terrified of getting pregnant, but now, I can admit that I just didn't feel like it.

Later, with another guy, I ended
up doing it at 21, because I wanted to be "normal" and I was curious about what was all the fuss about making love. But I think that if I had removed the part of "wanting to be normal", I'd probably wouldn't have had sex at that age either, but later, with a person that I was more attracted to.
In case that you are wondering, I've been in a relationship with the same guy (my husband) for 18 years, with sex. He's an aspie too, by the way.
I read recently about :
Sapiosexual
One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature; behaviour of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use.

I'm definitely attracted to intelligence (but not only). I've been attracted to people of both sexes (in all my life, not more than 20, counting people that I only saw once) but I've only been madly in love with two.

I like to think that, just as I am a picky eater, I'm also picky with who I fall in love, or with who I am attracted to.
Click to expand...

Well, I suppose that would make sense. Thank you.
 
I find it true most Aspies become romantically attracted later than NTs. I was 24 before my first attraction and first date.
There truly are many romantic and non-romantic asexuals. You can live a life quite happily (just a bit differently) if you are truly asexual and still have romantic relationships. It is a matter of finding someone who doesn't let this get in the way of a happy, satisfying relation. It is true, like being on the spectrum, it's just how you are born. Not a matter of influence. Maybe being on the spectrum helps with not letting peer pressures and being told how to live by others matter as much. At least it didn't to me. This is my experience...and I am romantic asexual. Always have been. No regrets.
 
Just because you do not like sex does not mean you cannot find a meaningful romantic relationship. Granted, it does narrow the playing field, but there are other people who feel the same way as you do.

I am asexual myself, and am currently in a relationship with someone who is happy to keep things very
"PG" between us.

You are still a bit young for dating sites, but you might want to see if there are any communities in you area for asexual youth. If not then LGBT youth groups or GSAs might be a good place to start as they are often welcoming of asexuals as well. Be advised, however, that human sexuality will be a frequent topic of conversation in queer spaces.

If you can't find any asexual guys IRL then there are online communities you can turn to for information and support. When you are a bit older, and exercising proper caution, you may be able to meet locals through these social networks. AVEN is a good place to start. Asexual awareness is also pretty strong on Tumblr.

I would also encourage you not to feel locked into a sexual orientation. Right now you may have no interest in sex, but that can change due to age, experience, and hormones, and that's okay. It's also okay if it doesn't change.
 
I was also a kind of late bloomer. When I was a teen, I did not find other teens attractive :) I liked MEN, and so I didn't date until dating the people I was attracted to was no longer so age-inappropriate.
 
I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but the Bible mentions that some Christians just don't have a sex drive. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9;

"Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion."
 
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Sabrina said:
Hi Momo, I see from your profile that you are 17. Maybe it's an age issue. I read recently that aspies could start sexual activity later than NTs.
In my case, I was in a relationship with a boy (that I believe was aspie too) from the age of 16 to 19. I was in love with him (to the point that I still dream about him, 24 years later) but we never had intercourse. Long ago, I rationalized that fact thinking that I was terrified of getting pregnant, but now, I can admit that I just didn't feel like it.

Later, with another guy, I ended
up doing it at 21, because I wanted to be "normal" and I was curious about what was all the fuss about making love. But I think that if I had removed the part of "wanting to be normal", I'd probably wouldn't have had sex at that age either, but later, with a person that I was more attracted to.
In case that you are wondering, I've been in a relationship with the same guy (my husband) for 18 years, with sex . He's an aspie too, by the way.
I read recently about :
Sapiosexual
One who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature; behaviour of becoming attracted to or aroused by intelligence and its use.

I'm definitely attracted to intelligence (but not only). I've been attracted to people of both sexes (in all my life, not more than 20, counting people that I only saw once) but I've only been madly in love with two.

I like to think that, just as I am a picky eater, I'm also picky with who I fall in love, or with who I am attracted to.
Click to expand...
Hi You sound like me.I Have always been picky with my partners, however the two that I have been in relationships with and in love with I have worshipped.That is one of the good sides of an Aspie male, take care.
 
Perhaps Asexual, as others have said. Have you looked into both male and females? Could it be that you are attracted to one and not the other, and are pursuing relationships with the gender you aren't attracted to?
 
ksheehan88 said:
Perhaps Asexual, as others have said. Have you looked into both male and females? Could it be that you are attracted to one and not the other, and are pursuing relationships with the gender you aren't attracted to?
Click to expand...
I don't think it would matter too much what gender I actually dated, I wouldn't care, male just makes more sense socially. But, I haven't felt anything for either gender, never had a crush either way.
 
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