Sexuality and ASD

[Emmz]

I’m a 41-year-old woman and have been out as gay since I was 27. But it’s increasingly hard to escape the conclusion that it’s not working out for me.

In those 14 years, my two longest relationships have lasted two years and just over a year. Both have been pretty turbulent (and therefore stressful), with numerous break-ups and make-ups (admittedly this was at least partly because both my girlfriends had mental health problems). I typically have periods of two to three years of being single in between relationships. These periods aren’t great, given that I don’t have many friends and am always a low priority for those I do have, so frequently find plans cancelled in order that my mates can spend time with their partners, families or better friends.

There aren’t many women I have interests in common with, get on with and find sufficiently physically attractive to want a relationship with, but this year I’ve met two. Both were gay and single, and in both cases we hung around as friends for a bit while I tried to muster the confidence to take things further. (I didn’t tell either about my ASD.) In both cases, it became increasingly apparent that I was the only one making any effort to stay in touch. I stopped making the effort, and we immediately lost touch.

It would seem impossibly needy and desperate to ask somebody: “What’s wrong with me?!” And I doubt I’d get an honest answer anyway, as nobody wants to risk causing offence. But I’m in good shape, if nothing else, and not completely hideous, I don’t think. So I can only assume it’s my personality that people find repellent. And possibly the fact that I have a low-paid job.

I don't know any other gay women with ASD, but from my own impressions / observations the straight women with ASD tend to have partners, whereas the straight men are less likely to. Which suggests that women are put off by ASD in a potential partner much more than men are.

Anyway, the upshot is that I’m currently feeling I have a choice between spending the rest of my life on my own (with maybe the odd, sporadic, short-lived relationship occasionally), or going back to men. It’s not like I ever hated sex with men, I just preferred it with women, so at the moment this definitely feels the preferable option.

I’d be interested to hear what other people think, and particularly about the experiences of any other gay / bisexual women with ASD.

 

[paloftoon]

Well try to build up your network by joining organizations and/or events with lgbt near you. If you live in a small town, consider driving further once in awhile. Attend conferences. Use dating apps if you can, and even try to be friends with those people that you meet if you don't connect. Connect with some straight groups based on your interests for friendship only too. www.meetup.com is a good way to look for groups.

If you can afford it, seeing a therapist can help too.

While some things will be the same, some things will definitely be different for lgbt. I think it's harder to find lgbt for females than males. Consider being open to bi-women if you are okay with that. Keep in mind you don't want to look for someone "perfect", but someone whose differences you think you can tolerate at least. If you build your friendship network up, if you can get lucky enough to form close friends, those will be the people you can ask those kind of questions to about what I might be doing wrong. You know yourself best, and even your bestest of friends may not always have the best advice. But consider it and decide for yourself in the end if you have that as an option.

 

[Lichi]

You have to be aware that a relationship isn’t only you, it also the other person. I was under the empression that homofilia is when you’re not able to form that bond of partnership with the other gender naturally, it only forms with the same gender. That was my impression. From that definition you would be robbing a person of the opposite gender of that right to form a true bond with a partner, as you won be able to give 100 %. But if yo are able to form that bond with men and women, then you should expand your options.

It’s not only about sex you know. A relationship is much more than just sex. Are you able to share that with a partner of the opposite gender? If you would date someone without feeling the attraction it won’t really take away the loneliness, you’ll just feel even lonelier.

 

[Butterfly88]

I'm a 24 year old bisexual aspie woman. I've only ever dated one person (male) and it was nothing serious. So you're certainly not the only one without a partner. Since you are gay and not bisexual I don't think being in a relationship with a guy would be the best idea for you, as I'd fear you'd feel you weren't being true to yourself. It may be better to be single than with the wrong person. If you are able to meet one maybe consider dating an aspie woman. You should see if there are aspie groups in your area as well, mine is through meetups.

 

[Bolletje]

I'm a 32 year-old bisexual Aspie woman. I've never had any trouble attracting male attention. I've been in 2 long-term ( 2 and 5 year) relationships with men, and am currently in my third, hopefully last LTR. I didn't start getting attention from women until my late twenties, which happened to coincide with the moment I started to really accept myself as I am. Confidence is sexy. And I feel like for women the treshold to approach another woman is a lot higher than it is for men.

I feel like you might be lacking some confidence. Concluding that your personality must be repellent because it didn't work out with 2 women you were interested in is quite a leap. It's very much possible that they did like you as a person - since you hung out as friends for a while - but lacked attraction to you because the spark simply wasn't there. People can tick every box on the list of what you'd like to see in a partner, but that elusive feeling of attraction can still not be there. If these two women were aware of your attraction, yet didn't feel the same way, it may very well be that they chose to sever ties because of that.

Anyway, you shouldn't make such harsh conclusions based on these two. You should get out there, meet new people, and broaden your horizons. You could try to keep an open mind about whoever crosses your path, not ruling anyone out in advance. But if you're gay, and not bi, I think dating men to stave off loneliness will just make you feel more alone in the long run.

 

[Thinx]

Hmm it's a tough question and might be good to do some work on yourself with online tests and maybe a therapy group to help you work out what the issues are. I came out as a gay woman many years ago and actually I then found it harder in relation to relationships. I think there's quite a variety of reasons for that, for me.

My attachment style is not Secure, so I am unlikely to attract secure people and then it's harder for both people if both are insecure. I have increased my ability to make secure attachments but it's a work in progress. Also I have a low score on tests that show how social one is. Generally though as I expect you know, social interaction and developing relationships is harder for people with high autistic traits or ASD. I am an introvert too.

Also I think developing relationships is harder anyway for people in stigmatised groups, there are effects of social lack of support or even disapproval and this affects formation and especially maintenance of non heterosexual relationships. Additionally I think women are a lower power group tho not a minority.

Finally I theorise that men were easier for me to relate with in some ways because my experience was they were less emotionally oriented or demanding. Nowadays I experience myself as not fitting into the gender binary so that's also part of the issue, I don't really think there's a clear binary either I think gender is a spectrum, however socialisation into a gender heavily obscures that, and nearly everyone is socialised into a gender.

It may help you to work in a therapy group on your attachment style which for many of us becomes insecure in childhood if there are some ways parents or carers can't be there for us or if there are other difficulties.

But also although we are conditioned to seek intimate relationships, this doesn't necessarily suit everyone. This is something each person has to explore and conditioning that tells us we all want a one to one love relationship makes it harder to recognise other possibilities for ourselves.

 

[ksheehan88]

I'm a bisexual 30 year old in a 11 year relationship with a man.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't you being sexually attracted to men mean you're bisexual as opposed to gay? Maybe I'm missing something here, apologies if that's the case.

In any case... I've never been in a relationship with a woman. All my encounters were one night stands. I wouldn't even know where to start to find a woman I could connect with and possibly have a relationship with. Not that that is an issue anyway as I'm in a relationship.

I totally am not articulating what I'm thinking well...

If you think you could have a relationship with a man BECAUSE you find him physically attractive and WANT a man, then do it. If you're only doing it so you're not lonely, that's not cool. You're lying to yourself and him, and that is not the right basis for a relationship

 

[Emmz]

Thanks for the responses, which are appreciated.

To answer some of the points raised... I suspect I'm mostly gay but maybe a little bit bi. I had relationships with men until my 20s, and they weren't bad experiences: certainly easier to obtain than with women, and more stable than my two longish-term girlfriends. But obviously they were a long time ago, and the type of person I would attract and relationships I would have in my 40s would be very different from those in my 20s. So until I actually date a bloke again, I'm only speculating as to how it would feel.

It's not just my two recent crushes who have made me disillusioned with the whole gay scene, but the whole last two decades, really. I do definitely feel I've put in the legwork in terms of joining groups, attending events, internet dating, etc etc. It just hasn't paid off for me, as my relationship history shows.

I do see a therapist (who specialises in autism), but she's an older married woman (to a man) so I've not felt comfortable discussing my sexuality in any depth.

Friendships aren't really an option in my case, as from experience friends just blow me out in favour of the more important people in their lives. But yes, I agree I probably should get to know other people with ASD, and it would be interesting to see if friendships with them were any different. I've dabbled with a local group; didn't really enjoy it on the last occasion, but maybe I should persevere.

 

[Tom]

I don't know, scientifically, if ASD leads people down any particular sexuality path, but I don't think it does myself. I suspect overthinking often occurs with HFA and some of that may be complicating the picture.

I have always loved a natural picture in my head (TV & Movie influenced no doubt) of a man and woman hand in hand on the beach of some tropical isle. The jungle teems with life and the coral reef swarms with creatures strange and beautiful. Birds sing and insects drone in the air... the call to intimate relations.

An old model, but not all things are automatically obsolete with time. One thing I am certainly glad of and that is never having any doubts or inner conflicts. Have enough with other issues anyway.

 

[Thinx]

That sounds great for you Tom. However non heterosexual sexualities are natural too, variation is normal in nature. Including neurodiversity too, as we know.

 

[Tom]

That sounds great for you Tom. However non heterosexual sexualities are natural too, variation is normal in nature. Including neurodiversity too, as we know.

Yes, I meant it only from my perspective/preferences. Others have theirs. Live and let live.

But, as an aside, if you are going to try and live the tropical dream do not stand under Palm trees! A friend was knocked out standing under one by a random falling coconut that beaned him on the head. Worse was he then woke up shouting because he had fallen onto a Fire Ant's nest.