Shame

[Suiseiseki]

For, as long as I have known about having AS (13 years or so) I have always felt an intense shame about it, which has really only worsened as I got older. I always felt it was an embarrassment and often refuse to talk about it.
The only thing I ever blamed it for was the feeling of alone I have with it.
Even knowing someone else that has it... doesn't make it better, I feel trapped in my head with everyone.
And always feel alone.

If you disagree then fine, live your life well, I will never see it in a positive light in my own self, I can't imagine a person alive that would make me think differently about it.
Is my view out of the ordinary on this subject?

 

[RidingDutchman]

I have to admit that I don't personally feel ashamed about it, but I'll save you the details as to exactly how or why.

More to the point of your question. I myself can perfectly see why you might feel ashamed about it, there's quite a lot of problems surrounding it that I wish I could do without so I can perfectly understand it. Don't feel weird or bad because you feel ashamed for having AS, I'm sure more think of it in the same light and to be perfectly honest, I can't blame you for it as well. So don't worry about being alone in it I suppose.

 

[The Phantom]

While there are many who proudly go about with Aspergers, your feeling are definitely not out of the ordinary. At least, not to me, since I find myself feeling the same way sometimes. A lot of people say it's just a different way of thinking, and that's perfectly fine, but not everyone feels the same way all the time. You've known for about 13 years, so I'm guessing your a bit older, but you'll probably find people who feel the same way as you mostly within younger people. I'm a middle schooler, so you can probably see why I would feel ashamed. The kids around me make comments about the silliest things, like how the pattern or style of a girls pants is 'so weird'. Imagine if they found out I has AS! The other kids who I suspect have it are already ridiculed behind their backs. I used to happy about finding out that I probably have AS, because I finally had an explanation for my problems. But i was hit with the reality of the situation. I'd probably have to tell my teachers, and something would surely slip out. 8th graders are not a kind breed, and I would be the subject of gossip, not for having AS, but for being a relatively normal kid, who sits with the popular bunch, having what they would see as a mental illness. Instead of jumping for joy, I've cried thinking about how I was a freak. I know aspergers generally provides a different perception on things, but sometimes I feel it barley compensates for wanting to sit in the basement playing with halo action figures while being too scared to hit the gym and lose weight because I'd feel nervous and self-conscious around the adults. I have a good friend, and a family I can )usually) rely on, but I too also feel tremendously lonely. I've developed depression and am slowly but surely gaining weight and becoming more anti-social
But I still have hope, too. That I'll earn respect form others someday. With my silly 'master plan'/ I know i can't rely help you or change your view on this, and i apologize, but hopefully you'll see someone else who feels the same way, but still tries to see the positive. I'm sure you'll find people like me who share your feelings, and those who feel differently but can offer advice. Someitmes I look at one of my many spongebob toys and see how he's almost always happy, and try and motivate myself to be the same. Look, I know you probably think that's freaky, and I know it is, and you probably do not have spongebob merch, but I think you get the idea. Just try and find a tiny motivator, like a pebble of a fish or something. I dunno, whatever suits you, it's the best advice I have.

Best of luck to you, my friend.

 

[Mia]

Don't find myself ashamed at all about having Asperger's, it's been a concrete explanation for things that puzzled me in my life. It's given me deeper insight into myself, my reactions, reasoning, and intellect. Not too many people get to know that much about themselves, the how or why, they simply go through life and live it in any way that they can. It's definitely helped me in my life, in understanding myself.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I think it's more naive, considering you're in 8th grade and I am twice your age.
Life won't always be as easy as getting a simple motivator, life doesn't have a happy ending- people often just assume it will.
No, sometimes, bad will happen and good won't.
The universe owes nothing to nobody.
Life could go better for you, or it could go how it went for me, it got worse.
Middle School was bad, and high school was far, far worse.
There are hopes but there is also reality, and I live in reality, not hopes or by faith.

 

[The Phantom]

I think it's more naive, considering you're in 8th grade and I am twice your age.
Life won't always be as easy as getting a simple motivator, life doesn't have a happy ending- people often just assume it will.
No, sometimes, bad will happen and good won't.
The universe owes nothing to nobody.
Life could go better for you, or it could go how it went for me, it got worse.
Middle School was bad, and high school was far, far worse.
There are hopes but there is also reality, and I live in reality, not hopes or by faith.

I understand... I'm not trying to make life seem that easy, I didn't mean 'Just find a pretty flower and try and live for that and life will get better' or something like that. I know I come across as kinda overoptimistic. In reality I'm much more reality-based than when I speak over the internet. Plus I was trying to offer some advice, so I thought being blunt wasn't the best approach on a serious subject. But that's alright. I know life isn't that easy, believe me, and I don't just randomly hope, but that was the only way to describe it. I understand how I'm not owed anything and how life can get much worse. But I guess childhood naivety is the only thing I can afford, if that's the only thing from making my depression worse. I mean, whatever helps you get up in the morning is good if that's what it does. And you live by only reality, and even if it's not the 'happy' way, or even if it doesn't make life seem better, it's still an admirable decision, because I surely couldn't do that myself.

Thanks for the reply.

 

[Datura]

It's probably easier for people to not feel embarassed about their Asperger's if they have had a measure of success. This is especially true when they can attribute aspects of their success to aspergic traits (ie. attention to detail, hyperfocus, uncanny memory, unusual interests, ext.). But not all of us can claim success, at least not on any macro scale.

For many this condition merely presents challenges and alienates us from the general population. While it is a waste of energy to feel shame over something one has no control over, it is none the less a completely understandable response. Bereft of experiencing Asperger's as a strength, what is left but weakness? It is only natural to feel self conscious about a perceived vulnerability or shortcoming.

Now, how to overcome these feelings. I will let you know when I have figured it out for myself.

 

[Progster]

I'm not ashamed of having Asperger's, but I am ashamed of some of the things I've done in the past as a direct consequence of having it. I only feel ashamed of things I've done wrong, things that are my fault, and it certainly isn't my fault that I have Asperger's.