Sharing long-held secrets when it is no longer viable to keep them.

[lizzy171002]

Right,
so, I'm transgender, and I've known this about myself since I was 13. I'm 28 now and living at home again, and I've never told anyone about this, save the one significant other I've managed to have (now an ex-SO).

The laws in my country have recently changed in such a way that it becomes significantly easier to legally change your gender-markers, and name, to match the gender you are, and I really want to do that, but...

Being diagnosed on the Autism Spectrum quite late, I've spent most of my life knowing I was doing *something* wrong socially, but having no clue what. As such, one of my very strong coping mechanisms has been to stick strictly to the social rules I've been taught. Shave your legs, keep your hair long and girly, defer-defer-defer to others, apologise, act and dress like a lady. I've never been good at this, but I've tried because I don't want to upset people and because I am genuinely afraid of what might happen if I don't.
(Also, people who are upset cry or yell, and I have no clue how to react in either case except to just stand there and look lost. I've tried back-patting for the ones that cry which sometimes works, but yelling?? IDFK, that is frustrating.)

Also, I'm a twin, and my twin sister is bipolar, so I'm really worried that they will assume that I'm loosing grip on reality or something like that, or you know, just not believe me.

During the last five or so years, I've been trying to push through and be more comfortable with myself as a person. I've stopped wearing clothing that makes me uncomfortable, I've stopped restraining my stimming, I've stopped keeping my hair in an overly feminine cut, and I've started training myself to stop apologising for everything, including existing.

All the while, it has become harder, as I stop lying to myself, to lie to others. I'm not much of a liar as it is, I'm bad at it and don't like doing it, but at this point I just don't know how to handle this. What is the protocol for revealing this kind of thing? Do I apologise? Do I go loud and proud? Do I start in the abstract, with case studies and video interviews?

My first thought is to go 'Sorry, but I need to tell you I'm actually transgender', but at the same time I'm not sorry that I'm trans*, I'm sorry that I'm possibly upsetting them. I'm not even sorry for keeping this from them,because I haven't been in a place, mentally and emotionally, where I could handle dealing with this before now.

A power point maybe? A video presentation with a voice over? I've tried communicating via letters before, but that hasn't proven effective in my family, so can't really do that.

I have this thought that my family will make a big deal out of this, and I have no idea how I am supposed to handle it. How do you bring up things like this that have the potential to be so emotionally charged? They aren't a**h***s, so I doubt they'd throw me out of the house, but the thought of them dismissing this as something stupid I've thought up for attention, or whatever, is genuinely terrifying.

Hoping for some insight from my fellows on the Autism Spectrum.

 

[Ereth]

At some point, you have to learn not to care what other people think of you. You're transgender and that's not changing. No matter what anyone else thinks, you're being true to yourself.

 

[Saragrl]

Hello, I am also trans. I has in a similar situation when I came out. I came out when I was 24 living with my dad at the time.

I have always been the type of person to have get a huge interest in something, then after a year or so find a new "love". When I came out my family was very dismissive feeling I would change my mind in a few months. After I really started living as a woman it was very hard for my family to take it in. My father and I had a falling out and I had to find a new place to live (though it also had to do with my aspie traits which I only became aware of recently. Mainly without rules I don't know whats expected of me and my father expected me to do things without me being told. Vicious circle)

It took years for my family to understand and accept. Now things are the way they were and they accept me as their daughter.

You need to do some thinking and understand that its never easy for some one who knows you as you are now, to come to terms that you were never happy as that person. It took years for me to realize that it was not so much me becoming a woman, as much my family felt like they should have known and would have helped me if I came out sooner. Don't over react if things go bad, they will need time to react and heal.

Other than that, I implore you to tell them in person. Will it be harder, very much so. At the same time it will show you are being genuine, an adult willing to face the issue and most of all it gives your parents the respect they deserve. I talked to my mom and it want okay, I gave my dad a letter (I was always afraid of him). My dad was very upset I did not respect him enough to tell him myself, and I do regret that. We went almost two years without speaking and when we finally did speak all I ended up with is the regret of losing two years with my dad.

I hope this advice helps.

Good luck

 

[Ste11aeres]

Shave your legs, keep your hair long and girly,

I'm not transgender, but I do not shave my legs and i do have short hair.
I do defer to others too much but that's not femininity. That's just a mixture of insecurity, and preferring to make a quick exit/avoid people rather than expend energy on an argument.

 

[lizzy171002]

I'm not transgender, but I do not shave my legs and i do have short hair.
I do defer to others too much but that's not femininity. That's just a mixture of insecurity, and preferring to make a quick exit/avoid people rather than expend energy on an argument.

That wasn't a comment on femininity, rather a comment on what 'social rules' I've been taught to follow.