Shopping shoes

[May Black]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the forums, and since I haven't written an introduction, let me just give you a brief account of how I ended up here.

I suspect my partner has AS, I have worked with kids on the spectrum, so it's quite a qualified guess. He was never diagnosed and his family more or less let him go on playing computer games, eating three different items and wearing grey hoodies, so it's a bit of struggle at times for both of us. I score quite high on the Asperger's test myself, and generally I have quite easy time understanding how he functions. I tend to use the strategies I've either used on myself in the past or learned from work when we need him to work on something, but he's not ten, I'm not his teacher and not everything is applicable. I nee help and I found this forum while looking for some answers.

Now to my problem - we need to buy him new dress shoes.

He hates shopping. He will start acting like he's doing me a favor for allowing me to buy him something (I always pay for things I know he wouldn't normally wear. We've come pretty far when it gets to clothes, I have a decent idea of what he'll fit and what I'll be able to get him to wear and his collection of clothes has been steadily growing. He wears more or less everything we have bought without me having to encourage him to do so. He's still pretty incapable of actually buying things on his own (his mother always bought his clothes in the past), he can't work his size and he'll buy the cheapest thing he'll find regardless of if it fits or not, but that's improving as well.

Now shoes are a whole different thing. He hates trying on shoes to the point where he'll buy the first pair that he can fit his feet into, regardless of whether they're too big or not, he'll wear them for the occasion and then never again. I have no real way of checking if they fit him well or not, and he hasn't been able to describe what about the shoes isn't comfortable, I realize it could be anything. Generally, when trying to buy shoes, he'll get very irritated very quickly and act arrogant, eventually I'll get frustrated, lose my patience and leave the store. I feel like we're getting nowhere. I can't even tell if he's incapable of recognizing if the shoes fit or just hates it so much that he doesn't care if they do, might be a combination of both. He wears black sneakers only.

Any advice on how to approach this is appreciated.

 

[Stacey]

I dress exactly the same. I like shoes...just don't like wearing or shopping for them. I prefer sneakers/ jumpers/cardigans/t'shirts/hoodies because they are comfortable and not restrictive. I won't even wear under pants because I hate the feel of the elastic on my skin. Clothes have never been part of my 'identity'. I don't spend a lot on them because it seems pointless when there are bills to pay. My dress sense (lack of) always puts guys straight off me. My 1st boyfriend wouldn't invite me anywhere because his friends thought how I dressed was terrible.
You seem like a really great girlfriend. Your boyfriend is lucky you're trying to help. Maybe you could sit down with him and your laptop? I find online shopping fun. Maybe he might too? Online, there are no people/noise/queues to contend with.

 

[May Black]

Thank you! I try my best. I have my quirks too and he puts up with me.

We've tried buying him clothes online and it's been working pretty well since he doesn't seem to react to fabrics much. Generally it's me finding things and showing them to him, but I feel I could as well be showing him a green shirts with pink elephants on them and he'd nod just to change the subject already.

I'd buy shoes online as well, but I'm worried they won't fit. His feet are rather wide. We usually go to stores when most people are at work, and I make sure he gets to go to GameStop and buy pizza afterwards.

 

[Rocco]

Have you had him sized for shoes at a shoe place. I love Merrill shoes, very comfortable. I actually fit one size larger than what most sizing a say. Are his feet wide or big?

 

[May Black]

I'm not sure how he'd react if I had his feet sized professionally. Just the though of bringing it up is hilarious to me. He wasn't thrilled when I took him to a tailor to have him measured for shirts.
His feet are huge in all directions, and much wider in the front.

 

[Rocco]

I wear 15/ 15-1/2 EEE and the width is a big issue. Many brands I must wear a size higher like 16 to get proper width.

 

[Peace]

I would Highly recommend going to a professional shoe store where they measure and fit the shoes to your feet. After years of struggle I finally had to do this myself. I was amazed at the difference and the amount of comfort in a well fit pair of high quality shoes. SO well worth it that I only buy good shoes now. It will often take me all day to find a pair that I like. My wife hated shopping and going with me was her biggest nightmare.
Having something to look forward too afterwards is an excellent idea as well. I would just ask him to make the sacrifice ONE time to try it your way and if it does not work for him, he can go back to his comfort zone. Once you experience the comfort of a well made shoe that fits properly, there is no reason to ever go back to anything else.

 

[May Black]

I wear 15/ 15-1/2 EEE and the width is a big issue. Many brands I must wear a size higher like 16 to get proper width.

His shoes are US 11½-12, I can't even imagine the trouble you must be going through to find anything that fits.

I would Highly recommend going to a professional shoe store where they measure and fit the shoes to your feet. After years of struggle I finally had to do this myself. I was amazed at the difference and the amount of comfort in a well fit pair of high quality shoes. SO well worth it that I only buy good shoes now. It will often take me all day to find a pair that I like. My wife hated shopping and going with me was her biggest nightmare.
Having something to look forward too afterwards is an excellent idea as well. I would just ask him to make the sacrifice ONE time to try it your way and if it does not work for him, he can go back to his comfort zone. Once you experience the comfort of a well made shoe that fits properly, there is no reason to ever go back to anything else.

Thank you, I'll try suggesting it. I find it difficult to get him to receive help from shop assistants in stores in general. I assume it goes back to him being completely uninterested in interacting with strangers, but I guess he's also incapable of answering any questions they might have.
I've been considering trying to train him to try on shoes, maybe go once a week just for a little while when we go grocery shopping or something, have him try a few pairs, then go eat pizza or something, no obligations to actually buy anything, just to see if his perception of size can improve with practice.

 

[JohnH]

If you can find a shoe store that is understaffed, but has a Brannock device (those metal sliding things for measuring your feet: Brannock Device foot measuring device - shoe fitting tool - measuring device then browse around and wait until the clerk is assisting someone else, then you or he use the Brannock device to measure his feet. Measure both feet, and jot down the measurements. The Brannock web site tells you how to use the resulting measurements to select a shoe size. I suggest going later in the day when feet are a bit more swollen, and wearing slip on shoes with the type of socks he will normally be wearing.

People can have different sized feet. One of mine is 13 D, the other is 12 EE, so I end up having to get 13 EE (yes, I know, big feet) to fit the biggest dimensions of each foot. You can always adjust to shoes that are slightly too big by lacing them tighter, wearing thicker socks, or by using insoles. However, tight shoes will always be uncomfortable.

Once you have his size determined, you can order on-line if he prefers to do things that way.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Now shoes are a whole different thing. He hates trying on shoes to the point where he'll buy the first pair that he can fit his feet into, regardless of whether they're too big or not, he'll wear them for the occasion and then never again. I have no real way of checking if they fit him well or not, and he hasn't been able to describe what about the shoes isn't comfortable, I realize it could be anything. Generally, when trying to buy shoes, he'll get very irritated very quickly and act arrogant, eventually I'll get frustrated, lose my patience and leave the store. I feel like we're getting nowhere. I can't even tell if he's incapable of recognizing if the shoes fit or just hates it so much that he doesn't care if they do, might be a combination of both. He wears black sneakers only.

Any advice on how to approach this is appreciated.

I was raised much the same so far as clothes shopping goes - all my clothes were bought for me. When the time came for me to buy my own clothes, i had no idea what my size even was let alone how to tell if the clothes fit well or not. I think in the moment i'm too busy devoting mental attention to the environment to actually give a good, thorough self-evaluation of how well the shirt or pair of shoes fits. I've bought a pair of shoes thinking they fitted me perfectly well only to realize not a week later they were too small for me.

 

[May Black]

If you can find a shoe store that is understaffed, but has a Brannock device (those metal sliding things for measuring your feet: Brannock Device foot measuring device - shoe fitting tool - measuring device then browse around and wait until the clerk is assisting someone else, then you or he use the Brannock device to measure his feet. Measure both feet, and jot down the measurements. The Brannock web site tells you how to use the resulting measurements to select a shoe size. I suggest going later in the day when feet are a bit more swollen, and wearing slip on shoes with the type of socks he will normally be wearing.

People can have different sized feet. One of mine is 13 D, the other is 12 EE, so I end up having to get 13 EE (yes, I know, big feet) to fit the biggest dimensions of each foot. You can always adjust to shoes that are slightly too big by lacing them tighter, wearing thicker socks, or by using insoles. However, tight shoes will always be uncomfortable.

Once you have his size determined, you can order on-line if he prefers to do things that way.

I asked him straight out if he'd be willing to have his feet measured. He didn't refuse, which is a good thing. It generally takes a while for him to move from agreeing to do something to actually really doing it. Hopefully this will make things easier in the future.

I was raised much the same so far as clothes shopping goes - all my clothes were bought for me. When the time came for me to buy my own clothes, i had no idea what my size even was let alone how to tell if the clothes fit well or not. I think in the moment i'm too busy devoting mental attention to the environment to actually give a good, thorough self-evaluation of how well the shirt or pair of shoes fits. I've bought a pair of shoes thinking they fitted me perfectly well only to realize not a week later they were too small for me.

I'm not sure if he gets distracted by things around him easily, he doesn't have problems focusing on whatever game he's playing while I'm fetching all those shoes for him to try. I never considered that the game might be a tool to keep him from having to focus on the surroundings though. He seems to have a need to be constantly occupied by something (games, music, listening to podcasts), I've always assumed that he gets bored otherwise. I've never considered just bringing the shoes home and having him try them in a safe environment, maybe that could be worth a try as well. Generally we're so mad at each other when we finally buy something, that it takes us couple of days to go back to normal.

I feel it's really important to me to teach him to develop strategies for managing everyday life tasks on his own. It really angers me that his family didn't put more effort into it when he was growing up. I guess they just assumed that he'd grow out of it and it never bothered them.

 

[Ericho]

I've studied psychology and what you should probably do is mention why this person is doing these things and why she feels that way.

 

[May Black]

I've studied psychology and what you should probably do is mention why this person is doing these things and why she feels that way.

I would, if I knew.

 

[zurb]

Dress shoes tend to be narrower than other shoes, and so are likely to be very uncomfortable, especially if he is not used to wearing them. Often, especially the cheaper ones, tend to be very stiff and can rub ankles or the archilles tendon raw, especially if they come up too far. It's worth paying more for softer better made shoes. And double check it is actually leather not vinyl. Don't trust the label or assistant!
Going longer may give the extra width needed to feel comfortable, but it's better to find a wider fit if possible. You may be better compromising on how 'formal' they are to get something comfortable. Try with rounded toes rather than pointy.
I find at most shops the attendants will offer to measure, but if not, you want maybe a fingers width extra length at the toes, and not too tight over the top. Make sure it's not biting around the top. And feel inside as seams or other lumps/bumps can be really uncomfortable.

Of course, you could just let him use the black sneakers. For most things they will be fine. But if he notices no one else wears them or he gets comments, it might provide some motivation for shopping.

 

[May Black]

Dress shoes tend to be narrower than other shoes, and so are likely to be very uncomfortable, especially if he is not used to wearing them. Often, especially the cheaper ones, tend to be very stiff and can rub ankles or the archilles tendon raw, especially if they come up too far. It's worth paying more for softer better made shoes. And double check it is actually leather not vinyl. Don't trust the label or assistant!
Going longer may give the extra width needed to feel comfortable, but it's better to find a wider fit if possible. You may be better compromising on how 'formal' they are to get something comfortable. Try with rounded toes rather than pointy.
I find at most shops the attendants will offer to measure, but if not, you want maybe a fingers width extra length at the toes, and not too tight over the top. Make sure it's not biting around the top. And feel inside as seams or other lumps/bumps can be really uncomfortable.

This was really helpful, thank you. We're going to try a short shopping round tomorrow and another one on Thursday.

Of course, you could just let him use the black sneakers. For most things they will be fine. But if he notices no one else wears them or he gets comments, it might provide some motivation for shopping.

He's meeting my dad for the first time, and we're going to the opera, it was the one activity my dad suggested that I figured he might actually find interesting. Sneaker are unfortunately not an option here. I don't want to give my father a heart attack. Plus I'm certain there will be more occasions where he'll be required to have dress shoes. He does have a pair of decent loafers that he dislikes, but can wear in worst case.

 

[May Black]

We had a very successful shopping day, ended up getting two pairs of shoes that we both agreed on looked well. We were lucky the store was completely empty and they had just gotten all the new arrivals recently, so we had a lot to choose from in his size. He put a lot of effort into actually comparing the shoes this time, instead of the usual reaction, so I'm quite confident we got something he'll be able to wear. We also managed to buy a shirt which the store adjusted for us, so it sits absolutely perfect now. I'm extremely happy about it. I'm going to look for a store that makes custom made shoes as well. The store we found can order shoes in different sizes, but I got the feeling they were much more knowledgeable about shirts and suits, so we'll keep looking. Thanks everyone for the input, it's been very helpful.