fredo
Active Member
I am an adult male diagnosed with Aspergers. Reading through other introductions lead me to write this short bio. It would mean a great deal to me to learn from older-wiser men with Aspergers, particularly about relationships. Which path did you choose around my age? Are you in peace with your decisions?
Growing up, I was showing "text book" characteristics of Aspergers Syndrome. Being anywhere on the spectrum did not sound so hot at the time. So I rebelled against it and tried to fit in. I found that a great way to be popular was "getting in trouble". Of course, I would also unintentionally alienate my newfound friends later. But I felt like a cool kid for some stretches of time which met my primary objective back then. The rest of the time was probably miserable, but at least I had an well-defined purpose.
Things got scary in my mid to late teens. I had alienated friends, my immediate family members and every single girl that I had ever met. I received my formal diagnosis then... and the guy was not exactly diplomatic about it. At the time, any kind of "mental issue" seem to imply being condemned to a miserable existence.
In retrospect, I believe that facing the reality presented by the diagnosis was a turing point. Becoming a "normal" socially skilled individual no longer seemed like an achievable goal to me. So I started reading about my new role-models (well-know people that may have had Aspergers). Without deconstructing the thought process, this gave me a specific dream and removed any guilt in embracing my obsessions.
With these altered expectations, I started to realize that school could actually be useful. I discovered that I had a real talent in software programming. I almost immediately found part-time work which afforded me to pursue degrees in that field. Then, I came to America and rapidly built an existence almost identical to the vision that I had developed as a teenager.
It is great to have an obsession in line with my profession. I can work long hours without requiring much external motivation. Because practice does lead to owning a skill, I generally get recognized for it. I am still inherently flaky without intrinsic motivation, but I can usually buy enough good faith to get away with it. I work alone most of the time so I can muster enough strength display diplomacy during my short episodes of interaction. People seem to notice my quirky personality, but it just seems to give them more confidence... like a robot earns more trust for certain tasks I suppose.
I am no longer interested in being popular. I find that I need a lot of time alone so having too many friends would be a burden. I find that I can keep close friendships with shorter and infrequent interactions. This way, we can time box our conversations to avoid running out of meaningful topics and escape my urges of being alone. Realistically, these people probably see me as an occasional visitor, not a close friend. Just a guy from the past who likes to catch up when he is in town. This works perfectly for me.
Fortunately, most of my obsessions are generally beneficial to some aspects of my life. Collectively, they seem to provide me enough intellectual stimulation to avoid boredom, and some abstract purpose. Despite of being very difficult, I have been able to conscientiously keep some obsessions alive while phasing out others. I strive to compose daily rituals that are in-line with my natural inclinations, while shielding me from key pitfalls of the human condition. I am unable to multi-task or follow externally imposed discipline, so this fragile ability to channel obsessions is critical to my well-being.
The most of the difficult part of my AS existence has to be romantic relationships. As soon as courting is over, I have these frequent urges of being alone. This probably feels like rejection for most women. I cannot blame them. The feeling of unintentionally hurting someone who I deeply care about is crushing. This certainly builds enough guilt to idealize a lifestyle resting on ethical values.
Just like that, I have been with the same girlfriend for a few of years now. She seems to focus on positives aspect of my personality. Contrarily to me, she has many close friends which seems to help her compensate for my frequent emotional unavailability. I get to travel by myself regularly, which helps me cope with those urges of being alone. I am almost equally scared by the prospect of a lonely existence than the many hazards of a committed relationship. I decided to try the relationship path by respect to my girlfriend and also because it seems like a more interesting purpose.
Growing up, I was showing "text book" characteristics of Aspergers Syndrome. Being anywhere on the spectrum did not sound so hot at the time. So I rebelled against it and tried to fit in. I found that a great way to be popular was "getting in trouble". Of course, I would also unintentionally alienate my newfound friends later. But I felt like a cool kid for some stretches of time which met my primary objective back then. The rest of the time was probably miserable, but at least I had an well-defined purpose.
Things got scary in my mid to late teens. I had alienated friends, my immediate family members and every single girl that I had ever met. I received my formal diagnosis then... and the guy was not exactly diplomatic about it. At the time, any kind of "mental issue" seem to imply being condemned to a miserable existence.
In retrospect, I believe that facing the reality presented by the diagnosis was a turing point. Becoming a "normal" socially skilled individual no longer seemed like an achievable goal to me. So I started reading about my new role-models (well-know people that may have had Aspergers). Without deconstructing the thought process, this gave me a specific dream and removed any guilt in embracing my obsessions.
With these altered expectations, I started to realize that school could actually be useful. I discovered that I had a real talent in software programming. I almost immediately found part-time work which afforded me to pursue degrees in that field. Then, I came to America and rapidly built an existence almost identical to the vision that I had developed as a teenager.
It is great to have an obsession in line with my profession. I can work long hours without requiring much external motivation. Because practice does lead to owning a skill, I generally get recognized for it. I am still inherently flaky without intrinsic motivation, but I can usually buy enough good faith to get away with it. I work alone most of the time so I can muster enough strength display diplomacy during my short episodes of interaction. People seem to notice my quirky personality, but it just seems to give them more confidence... like a robot earns more trust for certain tasks I suppose.
I am no longer interested in being popular. I find that I need a lot of time alone so having too many friends would be a burden. I find that I can keep close friendships with shorter and infrequent interactions. This way, we can time box our conversations to avoid running out of meaningful topics and escape my urges of being alone. Realistically, these people probably see me as an occasional visitor, not a close friend. Just a guy from the past who likes to catch up when he is in town. This works perfectly for me.
Fortunately, most of my obsessions are generally beneficial to some aspects of my life. Collectively, they seem to provide me enough intellectual stimulation to avoid boredom, and some abstract purpose. Despite of being very difficult, I have been able to conscientiously keep some obsessions alive while phasing out others. I strive to compose daily rituals that are in-line with my natural inclinations, while shielding me from key pitfalls of the human condition. I am unable to multi-task or follow externally imposed discipline, so this fragile ability to channel obsessions is critical to my well-being.
The most of the difficult part of my AS existence has to be romantic relationships. As soon as courting is over, I have these frequent urges of being alone. This probably feels like rejection for most women. I cannot blame them. The feeling of unintentionally hurting someone who I deeply care about is crushing. This certainly builds enough guilt to idealize a lifestyle resting on ethical values.
Just like that, I have been with the same girlfriend for a few of years now. She seems to focus on positives aspect of my personality. Contrarily to me, she has many close friends which seems to help her compensate for my frequent emotional unavailability. I get to travel by myself regularly, which helps me cope with those urges of being alone. I am almost equally scared by the prospect of a lonely existence than the many hazards of a committed relationship. I decided to try the relationship path by respect to my girlfriend and also because it seems like a more interesting purpose.
