Should you tell a girlfriend/boyfriend that you have aspergers?

[hoeffelt]

Should you tell a girlfriend/boyfriend that you have aspergers? If so in which way and at what time do you tell them? What responses have you received when letting them know?

 

[Judge]

Tough question. I'd think most of that would boil down to how positively you perceive the strength and longevity of the relationship itself apart from assessing the maturity of your partner.

One thing that continues to vex me is the varied reactions I have received from those closest to me when it came to mentioning that I thought I was on the spectrum. From my perspective, telling much of anyone tends to be a crapshoot, carrying quite a degree of unpredictability.

 

[Suzanne]

I think that if I were in that situation, he would know BEFORE starting to date. Well, that is if I knew already.

I found out as a married woman and so, a different slant.

 

[Beverly]

If there is the potential for the relationship to be more than an occasional hook up or a short term dating thing then, of course you need to tell your partner. Secrets of any kind don't belong in stable, long term relationships and, that includes any conditions either of you have, of which ASD is one.

I don't think a short term casual dating partner or a hook up only partner needs to know, those relationships aren't about building the mutual trust and respect required for a long term relationship. they are about meeting immediate needs for a short time and, having fun together.

 

[NovaScotia Aspie]

Should you tell a girlfriend/boyfriend that you have aspergers? If so in which way and at what time do you tell them? What responses have you received when letting them know?

As the relationship progresses of course you would want to share that with your partner . I would assume anyone attracted to someone with Aspergers would view many of the characteristics associated with AS in a positive light otherwise there wouldn't be an attraction. It also might help the relationship from completely unraveling when the "negative " aspects of the condition become apparent .

 

[Elpis]

It's definitely worth doing if you want to make the relationship work. I don't think people should do it right away but if it's lasted a bit and you've gone on a few dates and there is chemistry between you guys, they do deserve to know and if they hate you for it, they aren't worth it.

 

[ancusmitis]

It makes sense on paper. I don't know if it would be worth it to be around someone who would judge you too terribly harshly for being AS. But at the same time, disclosure gives people an angle, something they can exploit about you. If other people don't know and you tell the wrong person they might threaten to out you or worse just go ahead and do it. So I wouldn't say don't disclose, but there isn't an obligation to do it.

 

[RidingDutchman]

When I got my diagnosis, my girlfriend was (and still is) the biggest support I could possibly get. It made me able to stop worrying about things and for her it allowed her to see a reason in certain behavior. Like if I didn't feel like meeting up or wanted her to go home that it wasn't that I was tired of her or didn't want to be around her, but because I was just mentally drained at that point. For us it really helped that she knew, both to support me and make me feel normal and for her to explain thoughts and behaviors and to actively help me work on my weaknesses.

Your mileage may vary of course but I'm a bit of an open book about myself anyway, ask me the right things and you will know everything about me and it has always worked out fine for me like that. If I would feel like I couldn't tell my girlfriend about my diagnosis I probably wouldn't be able to have an intimate relationship with her, mutual openness is step 1 for a healthy relationship, as soon as you start hiding things it goes downhill fast.

Disclaimer: this doesn't mean you have to tell a potential partner at or before date 1. Just see when you start to be close enough that you feel comfortable sharing these things.

 

[Warmheart]

In my case, that would be like Bigfoot wondering if he should disclose that he's hairy.

 

[apt-get]

I haven't told my girlfriend yet. I'll tell her eventually, but I'm high functioning enough for it to not be an issue for me. She probably won't care either way, since she likes me for who I am regardless of how it's labelled.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

i generally have always made them aware early on, on like the second date (a lot of this is because im never looking for short term or hook-ups so i want to be honest from the start, even if it turns out it doesn't last long anyway well oh well no loss for telling them), i think it depends really, i have had someone not believe me which was not good (i should have made it clearer) on another occasion though it helped very much with them understanding me better. i haven't had a negative experience by being honest about it early on and they appreciate the honesty, im sure there's at least a possibility of someone really disliking it and leaving but if they do that then they aren't really worth the time anyway.

 

[zoedundas]

I think if i had a real relationship and it's going to last I'd want him or her to know and understand because secrets would be bad but it shouldn't matter. I'm awful at personal relationships though and nearly always find a way to mess things up totally sooner or later. Mostly sooner. So I would want to feel secure in the relationship first. I don't know what date that'd be because I've never understood the whole concept of dating as such.

 

[MkeRN]

I haven't told my girlfriend yet. I'll tell her eventually, but I'm high functioning enough for it to not be an issue for me. She probably won't care either way, since she likes me for who I am regardless of how it's labelled.

She should still know. You don't have to say it like a diagnosis, or in a negative way, but its something to know. My husband told me, and at times it's helped to know because it explains his behaviors and changes how I react to them.

 

[MkeRN]

Should you tell a girlfriend/boyfriend that you have aspergers? If so in which way and at what time do you tell them? What responses have you received when letting them know?

honesty is always best. Say it in a positive way though, not like a diagnosis. Saying a diagnosis makes it sound like something bad. Knowing my husband has it, had made a big difference in how we communicate.

 

[Harpagornis_X]

For me, as friends, I did tell him when I got to know him. I guess thats how the way it is. His reaction??? Cant remember atm, said nothing but was listening. Then again I am open to saying it, for example in introductions I go "Hi. My name is Hazel. I have Aspergers Syndrome"

 

[umbrellabeach]

I would tell a potential boyfriend right away, to see if he still wanted to date me knowing that. It would probably save drama later on. Since starting my job I've been hit on a few times and one guy actually asked me if I would date someone of his ethnicity, but these people are strangers and while it's nice to know they think I'm pretty or cute, I'm not sure they would want to get involved with me once they got to know me as a person. That goes for not just being autistic but all my other issues too.

 

[apt-get]

She should still know. You don't have to say it like a diagnosis, or in a negative way, but its something to know. My husband told me, and at times it's helped to know because it explains his behaviors and changes how I react to them.

I don't really see why she would need to know. It's not something that's been an issue in our relationship in any way.

 

[Merahj]

I typically tell people when I realize that it is going somewhere. I usually tell them before the first date because I do not want to go to somewhere loud or incredibly bright. Trying to hide stims when you are in sensory overload is like trying to convince people that the sky is yellow. It doesn't work. I also want them to be aware that I am not like other people and that it is not that I do not care. I actually need my alone time so I am ok with them having theirs. I tell people I have Asperger's early. It makes it easier for me and if they are not strong enough to handle it they leave before i am emotionally invested. Win-Win.

 

[Jiminajoo]

When I was diagnosed PDD-NOS my then girlfriend (knowing my sense of humour) exclaimed "You can't even get autism right!" This for me was the best possible response, she knew I was being assessed and also knew what the likely out come was going to be. Since that relationship ended I've had one other girlfriend who I met online, I told her when we were in the emailing phase, before our first date. I'm very open about my diagnosis so I tend to tell people quite early on (once a friendship has been established). A few have been put off but that's their problem. The best course of action is if you feel comfortable with them knowing and you're close enough for it to not make a vast difference to your dynamic, it's easier to get it out of the way.

 

[Persephone_]

YES! I am an NT person, and I have a special someone that was recently diagnosed as having Aspergers. That really helped me a LOT to understand the way he behaves. If he never told me, I doubt I would still be close to him.

But, that wont be easy, just as myself, I got scared at first, but once I understood what he was, things became clear.

I hope I helped a little giving you a perspective of someone outside.