BeachLife
40's woman newly diagnosed
Hi all,
Ive had a strange day today. Quite newly diagnosed, still navigating in many ways.
Yesterday I followed an ultra creative urge to just make art for the sake of it, and the release/enjoyment without worrying about what it turns out like. I noticed that often when I'm being creative I get anxious too as I focus way too much on detail and it takes away any chance of relaxation. I did a really abstract painting and let my mind relax and go wild...I really enjoyed it. It was therapeutic.
My Daughter woke a few times through the night and needed comforting so this morning was off to a bad start. I had planned a day to myself but her babysitter cancelled last minute. I then had a stressful conversation and found myself very anxious, complete with heart palpitations. Not wanting my state to impact my daughter, I sat down with her at the table and we did some art, again something I could switch off and get lost in , while still keeping her close and somewhat engaging with her. I noticed my anxiety symptoms disappeared after about 30min which was great.
Stuck at home in quite a strange mood, I "managed" myself quite well I think. I was totally aware that I was having a bad day, but since I was supervising my daughter, each time I checked in on my feelings I couldn't identify what they were (Multi tasking is so very hard for me, especially when one of the tasks is simply thinking!!). I was just really emotionally cut off, quiet, staring into space, not wanting to engage with her. I balanced it out by having short bursts of fun activities with her, and giving her affection and smiles and eye contact (she is not ASD). Then I'd go back to something that would help me feel sensory comfortable again.
I wondered if i was depressed - nope. Hormonal? Nope.
I remembered in the past that I had been able to acknowledge that at times something can "set me off" and change my mood dramatically.
Then, at the end of the day it hit me - I've just been in a classic shut down!
I think it was a combo of creative comedown after last night's arty fun followed by the sudden change of schedule as well as stress. It is such a relief to have a name for this experience. Ive always had them of course, but deep down had shame around my behaviours as I didn't understand them. I love knowing that as time goes on, i will get better at identifying my state. My aim is to find or create some really positive language around explaining these shut downs to my daughter. That way, she will never ever think that she has done anything wrong.
Ive had a strange day today. Quite newly diagnosed, still navigating in many ways.
Yesterday I followed an ultra creative urge to just make art for the sake of it, and the release/enjoyment without worrying about what it turns out like. I noticed that often when I'm being creative I get anxious too as I focus way too much on detail and it takes away any chance of relaxation. I did a really abstract painting and let my mind relax and go wild...I really enjoyed it. It was therapeutic.
My Daughter woke a few times through the night and needed comforting so this morning was off to a bad start. I had planned a day to myself but her babysitter cancelled last minute. I then had a stressful conversation and found myself very anxious, complete with heart palpitations. Not wanting my state to impact my daughter, I sat down with her at the table and we did some art, again something I could switch off and get lost in , while still keeping her close and somewhat engaging with her. I noticed my anxiety symptoms disappeared after about 30min which was great.
Stuck at home in quite a strange mood, I "managed" myself quite well I think. I was totally aware that I was having a bad day, but since I was supervising my daughter, each time I checked in on my feelings I couldn't identify what they were (Multi tasking is so very hard for me, especially when one of the tasks is simply thinking!!). I was just really emotionally cut off, quiet, staring into space, not wanting to engage with her. I balanced it out by having short bursts of fun activities with her, and giving her affection and smiles and eye contact (she is not ASD). Then I'd go back to something that would help me feel sensory comfortable again.
I wondered if i was depressed - nope. Hormonal? Nope.
I remembered in the past that I had been able to acknowledge that at times something can "set me off" and change my mood dramatically.
Then, at the end of the day it hit me - I've just been in a classic shut down!
I think it was a combo of creative comedown after last night's arty fun followed by the sudden change of schedule as well as stress. It is such a relief to have a name for this experience. Ive always had them of course, but deep down had shame around my behaviours as I didn't understand them. I love knowing that as time goes on, i will get better at identifying my state. My aim is to find or create some really positive language around explaining these shut downs to my daughter. That way, she will never ever think that she has done anything wrong.
