Shutdown

[Lauran]

How does shutdown feel like to you, and how to cope with shutdown?

 

[AprilR]

Like you are done. Physically and emotionally done with expressing yourself and your needs.

 

[FayetheAspie]

Like you're afraid to move because the person that drove you into shutdown is standing in your path and you're afraid that anything you do will be used as an excuse to re escalate their fit. You feel bad and like you are a coward, but it is just so hard to make your self move to get past them and leave the room. I used to bounce back pretty quickly once escaping to another room and having a few minutes to calm, but since around my late twenties it has gotten such that it might trigger derealization symptoms for a while after.

 

[Masked Man]

I don't believe I've had shutdowns like other people have described, but I have had moments where I am just DONE. I have used up all my tolerance and patience for the day and I just need to shut the door of the day and be done.

I had one of those days last week where it was a long, trying day at work, I got home and almost immediately there was a knock at the door by someone selling something. I couldn't ignore it because they had seen me so I opened the door to this person with a big fake smile on their face and I basically shouted NO THANK YOU and shut the door hard. I know it was rude but I had nothing left.

 

[Angular Chap]

I can describe it in one single phrase: Like a white void, a completely empty white room or a blank sheet of paper.

Or a shorter phrase: Going blank.

Or even just a single word: Blank.

As for how to cope with it, well I don’t think I actually do cope, I can only really just wait for it to pass. If a person, or people caused it, they will eventually get bored and leave me alone. If it is not caused by a person or people, whatever caused it will eventually stop. Either way, the situation will change if I wait long enough and I can recover.

Long term, it becomes about learning what the triggers are and avoiding or dealing with them before they lead to a shutdown.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am always coming from a position of strength and power, not overtly, but with a high degree of quiet confidence, discipline, and self-control. I am not shy, I am bold, but my silence is deafening to some people. Some people are attracted to it. Some people are repelled by it. Either way, it takes a lot of mental energy to be me.

So, in situations where the environment puts me into a high degree of stress, I only have so much energy. There is a limit, and when it is reached, then my persona begins to fail. That loss of control is really, really uncomfortable. I am not a person that will withdrawal and cry, but rather I get angry and lash out. It becomes chaos. I hate chaos from others and hate it more from myself. Push me even further, and finally, it's shutdown mode. It's that fine line between "flight or fight". You push me further, then the shutdown flips into pure rage, an absolute out-of-body, "going black", the demons from Hell, in-your-face, you've just pissed your pants, scared for your life, explosion.

 

[NB79]

Is like my outside senses fry their circuits, and i feel like in a tube with my outside not wanting to respond.
Although i had them before in social situations, i don't have them anymore.
and to dealt with that i needed some quiet maybe some music and being alone.

 

[Rodafina]

Just before a shutdown feels pretty awful and overwhelming, but the shutdown itself actually feels okay to me.

I turn completely inward and shed all desire to appease others. I retreat into my own mind and close the door behind me. I’ve learned by now to give loved ones a heads up and that relieves any guilt. My entire focus is on finding quiet darkness and allowing myself to be totally self centered for as long as I need. I tend to whatever my dog needs as my last act and then take whatever time I need to indulge in sensory and social deprivation.

In the past, shutting down looked and felt a lot like classic clinical depression. But, it has transformed into something much more neutral now. It is simply an act of survival. It is like drinking water when you notice you are dehydrated. A shutdown becomes valuable information, letting me know that I have extended myself too far and the only way forward is to stop, slow down, and do things my way until I have built the stamina to try to be part of the world again.

 

[UFO]

When I began to realize what autism is, I thought that "shutdown" is something like what happens to me. Shutting down the system. Going to a near-catatonic state. But now that I have read more about it, I have began to realize that almost all on-line resources describe it as "retreating from surroundings" but not as turning into a vegetable. That is not how I feel it.

Sure, it is a daily chore to me getting exhausted and unwilling to talk or otherwise socialize, just wanting to have a quiet, dimly lighted and tight space (like closet, but I have never wanted to actually hide in the closet - I just like walls very close to me) to hide, but I have never associated that with a "shutdown".

What has really happened to me a couple of times, is that I have "slept my eyes open". Stared to nothing (well... actually to shiny things, like a glass of beer at pub) and having a complete blackout, with no awareness, thoughts and memories of the event, and people have had to actually wake me up. That I have always associated with a "shutdown" but I have now began to suspect that it might be something else.

Cope with it? I can usually tell when it is coming. It is just like getting tired of everything happening around me, so I can just get out from the situation. And when it happens, it is not an entirely unpleasant thing. It is just like taking a nap. So I can just let it happen if leaving premises would feel too awkward.

 

[JayD210]

I used to deal with this for a long time. I would experience what I thought then was an overload after dealing with something crazy, or would be tired out from something. My entire time in Volunteer Search & Rescue, I battled this after getting home or in the Car. I’d just shut off and the world around me would cease to exist. This happened after two different call outs, one of which where we recovered a body. This was pre-2008. Happened a couple more times in 2009 but it stopped. After a while, I went to hell and back a few times so now I’m able to easily handle chaos. After things I’ve seen since 2009, a shutdown would’ve meant me dying because I’ve been the target of violent assaults resulting from trusting the wrong person and doing the work I do. I’m in the best spot I’ve ever been in since 2011 though. 2009-2011 helped make me into the person I am. Shutdowns are a thing of the past for me.