Shutdowns, what might be causing them?

[vanillasquirrel]

Hi there,

I am currently a TA to a 12 year old girl (N)with Aspergers. At the beginning of the school year she managed really well to settle into school the first term, and I got to find out alot about N and what she likes and what makes her anxious, I thought we had built up a good relationship, she would happilytalk to me and engage in activities with me. Since october half term N hasn't been in school more than 2 days a week, I believe due to her anxieties over bad weather, though there may be more to it.

Working at her home, has been quite successful but gradually N has been harder and harder to motivate. She often seems anxious when I get to her house and curls up wrapped up in her dressing gown on the sofa without saying a word or engaging on any level with me. Some days she even closes her eyes and turns away. I have tried lots of encouragment and bringing creative crafts to the house for her to do but when she shutsdown, its very hard to reach her.

Does anyone suffer from similar shutdowns, and if so do you have any idea what might be causing them and how I can help reach out to her? I want to help her so badly.
I'm also worried nobody has actually sat down and told her she has aspergers and explained any of the associated difficulties with her, does anyone have any recommendations for how to approach the subject with her? I believe she's old enough to understand.


I know she enjoys many aspects of school. Is quite social. Likes doing crafts and arty things.
I know she's had a couple of issues with so called 'friends' lately but I cant seem to find the link. She rarely talks about how she is feeling and wont ask for help, neither from me or her parents.

I have only been a ta since september and I am currently on an autism training course but I feel this doesn't help with the shutdowns and how to coax N back from them.

I would appriciate any information
Thanks V :huh:

 

[142857]

A 12 year-old aspie is likely to be finding the world a cold and confusing place. She might also be having problems with her parents that she doesn't want to talk about because she knows that talking about it will only make it worse.

Trying to coax her out of her current state might not be such a good idea. Aspies often feel as though they are under a great deal of pressure to just "be normal", as if they can choose to be like everyone else if they so wish. So she may feel as if you are just another adult who will judge her and expect her to stop being how she is. Acceptance and patience are probably the best approach. Give her time, get her used to the idea that you are not just another adult who expects her to be like everyone else.

I had learned to effectively turn off my emotions as a coping mechanism by the time I was that age. And while that got me through the worst times as a kid, having to find and develop those emotions when I got to adulthood was a struggle. That is what I am afraid of that this poor kid is finding the world too painful to deal with and is retreating into herself.

 

[krisi]

Sounds like a tough situation given her age and the questionable level of self-awareness... (because I write a lot, I've bolded the part that is in direct response to your questions, the rest is simply answering, in detail, your question "does anyone suffer similar shut-downs"?)

Last night, I had an awful shutdown (I had been shutting down on a much more mild level throughout the week and earlier today, but was able to come out of it much easier than last night). I'm typically a very verbal person, but it seemed almost impossible to communicate--I was even echolalic at times, because I couldn't form my own words, but I knew I had to take my turn in the "conversation" (Hello, how was your day, are you okay). Thankfully it was with a friend who's known me for awhile and seen me through other similar situations. Anyway, I was so upset and my anxiety was so intense that I had been doing things like hitting my head and scratching myself (it was really bad--I don't usually do these things) before I went to visit her, thinking that usually, I'm able to stop doing these things when I'm around other people. Anyway, it really just got worse when I was with her, and I was so worked up and so shut down that it took a really long time before I was able to "reconnect" with her.

Here are some of the things she did:
She told me it was okay, that I'd be okay. She didn't overwhelm me with a lot of verbal input or a lot of questions. When I couldn't respond to her touching my shoulder, she put a stuffed animal in my lap and hand-over-hand prompted me to hold it (I don't know how I feel about how effective this was, but she may have done this to try and keep me from hitting myself more). She didn't ask if I was ready to get back to work, she just gave me time to respond, and let me know that she was there by staying close by (I'm more of an affectionate aspie who doesn't really know personal boundaries, as opposed to one who dislikes being touched, at least when it comes to people I know well). When I tried to say things, she was responsive, even if her response was "I really can't understand what you're saying right now." She held the back of my head to keep me from hitting it against things, which was a little frustrating to me at the time, but I know I shouldn't be doing that, and that she was trying to protect me. I think the most important thing she did, though, was just staying there and being patient with me, being gently affectionate, and making me feel loved and accepted, just as I was.

Some things that my other friends have done:
-Asked how I was doing or what was going on rather than asking if I'm okay--I just don't understand the purpose of that question. What is "okay"? And more importantly, what difference does it make if I answer "yes" or "no"--most people just seem to ask if you're okay so that you can give a "yes" answer and they can move on with their lives. It's like passing someone on the street--it's a simple social script, not a real question.
-Tried to get me to look at them to connect with them--but I have to be really close to them for this to actually help. Mostly I just find it too overwhelming to do so, but some of my friends have been really successful with this--it helps me to re-connect with them faster and be able to communicate how I'm feeling, which really is mostly the cause for my shutdowns. I feel trapped because I can't tell you what's going on in my head.
-Held me--which mostly was them pulling me into their arms, because I don't seek comfort from others after I've shut down that far. It's just really hard to reach out. I can sometimes seek out comfort from others when I'm feeling down, but not when I'm in the state I was in last night. Proprioceptive input is really helpful, particularly when there's a sensory component to why I'm shutting down, and the overall feeling of being loved and protected is really helpful to me when there is an anxiety component to my shutdowns.

Hopefully that was helpful to you. I'd say the best way to approach this would be to reframe your idea of "coaxing her back" towards a mentality of "helping her feel confident and competent in the world". Show her that she is important and loved, even though you may not be able to use affection (she may not like affection, anyway). Be affirming, but honest. Keep your word to her, and try not to make her feel like she's just your job. It seems like you genuinely like her, care for her, and actually want to be there, and it's important to let her know that. It's hard for us to deal with our failures (I also work with kids with autism, and one of my students' therapy goals is to "be a good sport"--essentially learning how to deal with losing at a game, because he gets really upset when he doesn't win), and it's even harder (at least for me) to ask for help. About telling her about having Asperger's...maybe start talking about it in general terms, list some things typical of AS, some traits she shows and some she doesn't. We're smart enough to catch on to things, she may even ask you if she has it, if you go this route. Highlight some of the positives and negatives of being different. As for actually attending school, that's a tricky thing. Some of us really like the structure and routine predictability of school (like myself), others just find it unbearable, often due to peers or due to having to sit and attempt tasks that are either ridiculously easy and pointless or those that seem impossible. Social scripts have helped me connect with my peers on some level, and finding people with similar interests can really help to make friends. Then again, each of us is very different, and she could have entirely different underlying problems causing her shutdowns. Mostly my shutdowns occur when there are a lot of highly emotional situations going on around me and I feel like I can't deal with it, I feel like I'm not good enough, like nobody wants me around and like I'll never get better. She may be feeling similarly, or her shutdowns may be caused by entirely different situations, which she may or may not have the words to communicate effectively to you. I really hope that answers your questions and gives you a picture of what she might be going through.

 

[vanillasquirrel]

thank you so much, you have no idea how much it helps to hear other peoples experiences. When N shut downs on me ( i call it that, but I have no if thats what I should call it), it often feels personal and I take it to heart and feel like I've failed her. Her parents sometimes say she's ok till I get there in the morning, and that its because she knows I'm bringing school work to her, and because she has gradually done it more and more, I sometimes feel like I've upset her the previous day or she's just bored of it/me. But then i have a good day with her, like today and we were making sock puppets, playing timestable bingo and catchphrase and we were both giggling away. I definately do not see N as just a job, I love working with her and coming up with new activities she might enjoy, I even bought some nail art- nail varnishes for us to use because I knew she'd enjoy doing interesting patterns, we spent 2 days painting a load of false nails and next were going to put them on a board and design a buisness card for her.

Thanks for the advice on how to approach telling N about aspergers, I have been trying to make a questionnaire for all her classmates to do so that I can show her we all have different things that we enjoy, are good at, struggle with, dislike. I haven't told her classmates that she has aspergers but alot are concerned about her and ask why she isn't in and I know many miss her. I am also trying to encourage the school to do a lesson or assembly around Autism/Aspergers/ADHD etc and encourage the kids to respect that everybody is different and how people can get misinterpreted, obviously without naming kids individually.

Thanks again for all the advice and telling me about your personal experiences, its been very helpful for me to see it from your side, I realise N may be affected/ reacting for different reasons but I think alot of what you have said makes sense and may relate. I'm so glad I wrote on the forum.

 

[jaredis1]

Hi there,

I am currently a TA to a 12 year old girl (N)with Aspergers. At the beginning of the school year she managed really well to settle into school the first term, and I got to find out alot about N and what she likes and what makes her anxious, I thought we had built up a good relationship, she would happilytalk to me and engage in activities with me. Since october half term N hasn't been in school more than 2 days a week, I believe due to her anxieties over bad weather, though there may be more to it.

Working at her home, has been quite successful but gradually N has been harder and harder to motivate. She often seems anxious when I get to her house and curls up wrapped up in her dressing gown on the sofa without saying a word or engaging on any level with me. Some days she even closes her eyes and turns away. I have tried lots of encouragment and bringing creative crafts to the house for her to do but when she shutsdown, its very hard to reach her.

Does anyone suffer from similar shutdowns, and if so do you have any idea what might be causing them and how I can help reach out to her? I want to help her so badly.
I'm also worried nobody has actually sat down and told her she has aspergers and explained any of the associated difficulties with her, does anyone have any recommendations for how to approach the subject with her? I believe she's old enough to understand.


I know she enjoys many aspects of school. Is quite social. Likes doing crafts and arty things.
I know she's had a couple of issues with so called 'friends' lately but I cant seem to find the link. She rarely talks about how she is feeling and wont ask for help, neither from me or her parents.

I have only been a ta since september and I am currently on an autism training course but I feel this doesn't help with the shutdowns and how to coax N back from them.

I would appriciate any information
Thanks V :huh:

i have heard for these... is it shutdowns as her body? or is it shutdown as in her mine?

 

[vanillasquirrel]

i have heard for these... is it shutdowns as her body? or is it shutdown as in her mine?

Im not sure shutdown is the official term for it, basically she will stop communicating with everyone around her, she often wraps herself up in her dressing gown and curls up on the sofa and refuses to move or respond to anyone. It can seem like defiance or refusal to do whats expected of her. I believe for her its trigger is anxiety based. It happens most when we want her to do school work or want her to go to school. Sometimes she wont show signs she's listening like eye contact. And its very hard to reasure her or try and get her to respond. I've sat with her for up to 3 hours trying to engage her.

I think it is like a defense mechnism when she's anxious about doing something.