Sibling Rivalry/Name Theft

[hlwillia15]

I need some perspective on this issue, as I genuinely *cannot* tell if I'm blowing it out of proportion or if I'm at least somewhat justified in feeling as much frustration as I do.

My younger brother and I have always had sort of a fraught relationship. Some of this stems from the fact that I was often blamed for fights between us, since I'm the older one. More of it probably comes from the way we were taught to tiptoe around his moods; he has always had a vengeful streak and would often "punish" us if we upset him (tearing up artwork I was proud of, cutting up clothes, stealing, etc). This has continued into adulthood (after stealing from my husband's wallet, he attempted to blame it on his then 2-year-old son, and when we called him out, he refused to come to Thanksgiving, which my dad blamed me for until my mom and older sister stepped in to defend me.)

We do see each other at family gatherings, but don't talk much outside them, and most of our talk is centered around shared interests, which is a whole Thing in and of itself.(Growing up, and in high school particularly, he would latch on to anything I liked--Lord of the Rings, drawing, writing, etc--and turn it into a competition, like Who Loves This Most. A lot of things I enjoyed had the fun squeezed out of them because he would often make me feel as though it "belonged" more to him than to me, no matter which one of us introduced the other. I understand now, as an adult, that some of that drive was him wanting my acceptance and failing to understand how to get it, but the bitter feelings are still there.)

Anyway, now that I've laid some ground, I can explain the more specific problem.

A friend of mine and I have been working on a sci-fi/fantasy series for a while now (we completed first drafts in 2020, though the idea has been in the works since we were teenagers). Since my brother likes the genre and I was desperate for some feedback on the work, I asked if he wanted to read it. He did, and enjoyed it. That's fine, that's great. But now, months later, he announced on FB that he's changing his middle name to my main character's first name. On every other social media app, he has this character's name listed as his first and only name. He claimed in his announcement that he was changing it because it's associated with those other user names and he likes it.

We aren't published yet (though we are working toward it), I know I have no actual legal claim on the name (not that you really can have that sort of claim on a name?), but I am SO IRRITATED. I feel like, once again, he's trying to make himself The Biggest Fan and force a claim on something that is solely mine.

My sister is annoyed for me, as is my mom, though she's trying to argue I should be flattered by it. And honestly, if he had approached me about wanting to use the name, maybe I would have been. But he didn't. And again, I *know* I have no real claim on this name in the grand scheme of things, he's free to call himself whatever he wants. But, given our history, I am having a really hard time letting go the sense that he is overstepping and trying to "steal" my hobby from me.

I haven't brought this up with my brother, and he hasn't brought it up with me. My cowriter would rather I never mention it at all, and I'll admit it does seem like the safest choice, because I doubt my brother's reaction to any confrontation (gentle or otherwise) would be good, and I don't know if he'd withdraw from family gatherings again and I'd catch blame for it. But the bitterness over it is eating at me and I need some kind of insight on how to let this go. (I know I have a lot of internalized ableism toward my brother also, since I learned early on how to mask (fawning, mostly) and he never really seemed to. So I'm trying to sort through how much of how we related as teenagers came down to him not understanding my frustrations with what I perceived as one-upping? But I'm still fairly new to all this, since I only just started self-diagnosing 6 months ago or so)

Please help, I don't want to be angry about this forever, but I also want to know at least some of my hurt and frustration is justified and I'm not being completely unhinged.

 

[hlwillia15]

*Quick editing on some wording: I said "hobby," but that sort of diminishes the intensity with which we pursue our writing. It is my Chief, No1 Hyperfixation of All Time, and it is also something we're pursuing professionally.

Also, I said it felt like he was trying to force a claim on something that was "solely mine," by which I meant "mine and my cowriter's"

 

[Judge]

*Quick editing on some wording: I said "hobby," but that sort of diminishes the intensity with which we pursue our writing. It is my Chief, No1 Hyperfixation of All Time, and it is also something we're pursuing professionally.

Under the above circumstances, it seems an issue of intellectual property rights rather than simple but mean-spirited sibling rivalry.

Best to start here.

https://www.lib.umd.edu/research/os...nding-author-rights-and-publishing-agreements
https://creativelawcenter.com/protect-unpublished-writing/

 

[Hypnalis]

You're limiting your countermeasures in such a way that you cannot win this directly.
So decision number one is whether this does actually matter to you. If it doesn't, nothing I say will help.
If it does, direct means might be possible

The indirect method is to enlist your co-author and make sure they can keep their mouth shut. If they can't, this will certainly fail and you'll be blamed after your brother has reframed the story.

So this is very sensitive to controlling the flow of information. If that's not possible, don't try it.


What to do: change the character's name, and let him know indirectly that it's been done.

But don't go for drama when you do. Leak it indirectly by telling someone else as though it's not important. Don't link it to your brother when you leak it (you'll be tempted, but don't.

Await developments. Ideally he'll change again, but while it's possible, it's not certain. If he does change to the new name, grab the name back anonymously.

However this works out, you can either go back to the first name, or use a third, so don't put too much effort into the second one.

Last comment. Why are you trusting him? You don't have to hate a family member who can't be trusted, but don't ever give them an opportunity to betray you.

 

[saturnv]

Last comment. Why are you trusting him? You don't have to hate a family member who can't be trusted, but don't ever give them an opportunity to betray you.

This is it for me.

@hlwillia15 I would also point out that people mistreating you when your brother misbehaves are not in your corner. They are manipulating you to get what they want. I would consider severely limiting a relationship where I was treated that way.

 

[hlwillia15]

Last comment. Why are you trusting him?

It was a moment of impulse where I was thinking more about wanting the feedback than I was about the potential consequences. Believe me, I regret it now, and won't be making the same mistake.

Cowriter and I did debate changing the name when this first came up, but tbh, the idea triggers ALL THE RESISTANCE, like to the point of feeling physically ill over it. (That being said, it's an interesting solution and a big part of me wonders if it would work.) We've been working with this character long enough that we often talk about forgetting he's not a real person.

At this point, I'm more worried about the fact that I can't tell if this is a thing I'm justified in being upset about or not (which will help me decide whether or not speaking to him in person is worth potential fallout) or if I'm being unreasonable and need to get over myself.

 

[saturnv]

At this point, I'm more worried about the fact that I can't tell if this is a thing I'm justified in being upset about or not (which will help me decide whether or not speaking to him in person is worth potential fallout) or if I'm being unreasonable and need to get over myself.

Feelings just happen and don't need a justification. They are valid.

What to do about it is a separate issue. What do you hope to gain by discussing it with your brother?

 

[Suzanne]

In truth, taking in your history with him, it is surprising that you even trusted him to read your in process script? So, well, that is on you, isn't it?

I am the one who walked away from a very toxic "mother" but my siblings did not and often, my middle sibling would bemoan about "mother" and I would say: but you know what she is like, so why torture yourself?

My second sister ( I am sadly the eldest of 5) often posted pictures of herself and her mother, which illisated her followers to say nice things about a very evil female and that wound me up, but then, I had to recognise that it was my doing, since I did not have to look at her profile. However, my third sister and only brother happen to agree with me, that our second sister is a complete narcissistic character and out of order to post, when she was involved with such an awful childhood.

I think that if your brother starts saying that HE wrote the script, then you can do something.

 

[hlwillia15]

Feelings just happen and don't need a justification. They are valid.

What to do about it is a separate issue. What do you hope to gain by discussing it with your brother?

That's a great question, and unfortunately I don't know the answer. I suppose I'm just tired of swallowing my feelings about the stuff he does in order to not cause a scene within the family, and being expected to be the bigger person and let everything go because I'm more neurotypical-passing than he is and he just "doesn't get it."

I mean, ideally I'd like to tell him his use of the character name bothers me and he'd go back to using the other middle name he already had chosen for himself (he is in the process of legally changing his name but has not officially done so yet) but I don't know if I see that happening realistically. So I guess I'm not sure what help I'm asking for and I don't know why I didn't see something like this coming a mile away? I'm just struggling with what feels like an irrational amount of anger that doesn't have a good outlet, except in self-flaggellation for trusting him and putting myself in this position.

 

[saturnv]

Wanting yourself and your feelings to be respected makes sense to me. It doesn't sound like you think that any action you can take will lead to that outcome, which sucks. I am sorry about that.

Trusting someone entails giving them the ability to hurt you. I hope you won't beat yourself up for wanting to get feedback from your brother and giving him a chance to be nice to you. I think that is a normal thing to do and want. Now that it didn't work out, you can learn and sadly not extend as much trust in the future.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

he has always had a vengeful streak and would often "punish" us if we upset him (tearing up artwork I was proud of, cutting up clothes, stealing, etc).

I'd say this probably tells you all you need to know. Not to mention you say this behavior has continued.

I understand now, as an adult, that some of that drive was him wanting my acceptance and failing to understand how to get it, but the bitter feelings are still there.)

Are you sure he feels this way? It sounds more like he wants to take and destroy your pleasure so he can feel secure and empowered.

You're in a terrible situation. I'd be very careful. From what you say, I think he'd be happy to ruin your dream. He doesn't have any good ones of his own.

 

[Hypnalis]

It was a moment of impulse where I was thinking more about wanting the feedback than I was about the potential consequences. Believe me, I regret it now, and won't be making the same mistake.

Cowriter and I did debate changing the name when this first came up, but tbh, the idea triggers ALL THE RESISTANCE, like to the point of feeling physically ill over it. (That being said, it's an interesting solution and a big part of me wonders if it would work.) We've been working with this character long enough that we often talk about forgetting he's not a real person.

At this point, I'm more worried about the fact that I can't tell if this is a thing I'm justified in being upset about or not (which will help me decide whether or not speaking to him in person is worth potential fallout) or if I'm being unreasonable and need to get over myself.

OFC it's ok to be annoyed. Your brother is certainly a narcissist, your family is enabling him, and now he's taking pleasure from attacking you via your major life-interest.
:
:
I didn't mean you have to change the name, though IIRC I did more-or-less say it, so you're not wrong.
In my defense I was trying to cover the key points of the technique, and wasn't considering all the options afterwards,

So lets look at it this way:
The technique is to change it, and allow him to find out, then observe his response and react accordingly.
But OFC it can be changed temporarily. All you actually do is to copy/paste in a draft. If that -you may not need to show such a draft to anyone else. Later it can be changed back to the original name, or to a third name.

Note that what he already didn't wasn't rational, and it was definitely aimed at you. It's not certain he'd do it again, but it's by no means impossible.
:
:
It's good news that you've adjusted after his betrayal. The first step towards not being stabbed in the back is not to turn it towards a threat

But you have a few more things to integrate into your new strategy.

Once someone "comes out" as an enemy, you have to completely rethink how you deal with them.
Accept that he has no "better nature" to appeal to. If he did, he would have asked you first.
Talking to him about this is an instant loss for you. Don't do that.

If you can't control the flow of information to him, you cannot successfully use an indirect method to address your problem.

Think about it this way: he's already done something unforgiveable, and your family hasn't told him he's being an AH. Any counter-measure will become visible sooner or later. He will then throw a drama-fit, and his enablers will try to calm him down, so they'll do against you what they didn't do with him for the initial offense.

At that point, you're on a "Don't JADE" plan (JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

You look them in the eye, and say calmly, with zero drama no matter what: "He was out of line, and so are you when you defend him. Don't do anything like that again."
Then, depending on your debating skills, you either leave calmly (in your own car), or you return to enjoying the food and drink at whatever fake social event they used to set up the ambush

By the way: staying calm in the face of adversity makes a much bigger impression on people than the usual high-volume, low-content exchanges. Only weak people shout and perform.

 

[Hypnalis]

Are you sure he feels this way? It sounds more like he wants to take and destroy your pleasure so he can feel secure and empowered.

I agree - IMO he's a good fit for a status-stealing Narc.

 

[Outdated]

Last comment. Why are you trusting him? You don't have to hate a family member who can't be trusted, but don't ever give them an opportunity to betray you.

I agree with that wholeheartedly. I also grew up with a troublesome younger brother but I stopped having anything to do with him by the time he turned 20. I would think that anyone in a similar situation would most certainly have learned their lesson by the time they get to their mid 30s.

 

[Crossbreed]

OP, did you invent the name, or was it a rare name that already existed?
(I coined some of my real daughters' middle names, Nissiah & Joshana, though Hoshana would have been more accurate for the latter.)

When we were naming babies, Jordan (a boy) was not in our baby name books.

 

[Tom]

I think it should be just a lesson learned and something you consider carefully before sharing anything with him in future.

 

[Au Naturel]

Wouldn't that be the equivalent of me changing my blog identity to Obiwan? Don't think there's anything you can do about that. Even Disney could not stop me from calling myself that online.

If you are unwilling or unable to do anything about it, then let it go. Even if you change the name in the story to fool him, as soon as the story is published, he will do what he wants to do.

Nothing outside of your control matters. It is what it is. He is out of your control on this. If he wants to pretend to be your biggest fan, it is entirely in his head. Doesn't have to be in yours. In fact, you reacting badly to this might just be what he is after. You can control your reaction and not give him what he wants. A yawn is appropriate.

And do not make the same mistake again. You can control that, too.

 

[Hypnalis]

@hlwillia15

Au Natural has covered how to handle this if you don't want to take overt action like my suggestion earlier.. He's 100% correct.

But I lean towards taking action, so I have another suggestion too

Again, this one requires some patience and some skill at the game. This is just a framework - if you want details, I can provide them, but the main thing is never "flex" while playing the game. This is e.g. why in "Plan A" above, I said not to tell your Narc bro that you changed the name. Make him come to you.

So: another option is to stop using his name, and call him by the character name. Indefinitely. And use it with every family member and mutual acquaintance without exception.
Also without explanation (or rather, do everything very indirectly). So perhaps you're flattered he decide to use the name from your book.

Switch to "little brother" as the primary alternative, and "bro" otherwise.

This is similar to "reclaiming a slur" (not identical though). But while "reclaiming" has been debased through over-use of late, it's been effective in the past when used properly.


Note that this would be another "long game", and again, you have to be able to keep it up indefinitely.
Even through Narc techniques like "trickle truth", "faux victim", "pretend negotiation", "rage drama", "whine to mummy". Ditto whichever intermediaries he deploys to try to change your mind (he'll choose someone you trust, who you're accustomed to obeying - most likely a parent).

Your reward is the slow burn it will induce