Sibling terrified of new baby

[Katielees]

New to this site I am a Granny of two girls , 6 and 3 years and a brand new baby. The elder girl has a diagnosis of ASD but the younger one does not . However , my daughter is having big problems with the younger girl being genuinely terrified/ distressed when the new baby cries . This is not just baby jealousy or unfamiliarity- it is real distress and she runs out of the room screaming and crying .
I wondered if anyone else has see this reaction and if so, what they did about it . We have tried all the usual things - trying to explain the baby can’t speak so he cries , trying to get her involved with his care etc . Would be grateful for any suggestions

 

[Raggamuffin]

Could be the pitch. Baby screams are pretty intolerable. Or perhaps overwhelm as they don't know what to do.

I've watched too many horror films so I find baby screams deeply unnerving to this day, and I'm 37.

Ed

 

[VictorR]

Welcome. I concur that the pitch could be an issue - some people find certain pitches/sounds to be not just unpleasant, but outright intolerable.

Any chance of sound proofing parts of the home and/or getting the older kid a pair of noise-cancelling headphones to minimize the impact perhaps?

 

[Gerontius]

Autistic people like myself and many others frequently find certain sounds, pitches, frequencies to be intolerable. It's physically painful.

 

[Tom]

I once heard that baby cries are in a sense designed to be disturbing, so as to effectively get your attention. So you are up against a real force of nature.

As an aside it may be an early sign of the younger girl being especially noise sensitive which could be an indicator of ASD, or not. No two of us are alike.

As far as what to try, perhaps noise supressing headphones or earbubs she can wear. Those are used frequently with kids (and adults) with ASD or just noise sensitivity. But you have to be careful about supervising it. You don't want kids wearing them in situations they need to hear noises for safety sake, etc.

 

[Bolletje]

It could be the pitch. I genuinely cannot deal with the sound of a baby crying: it makes me physically uncomfortable to the point where it triggers sensory overload and something resembling a massive panic attack.

 

[GrownupGirl]

Having a new baby turns an entire household upside down, that alone is highly stressful for people with ASD. And even when you're an adult and intellectually know why the baby screams and cries and makes foul odors constantly , you really don't care. It overloads your senses and you just want to be anywhere but in the same building with an infant. Ans then you have to convince other people you're not some child-hating psychopath. Even if it's true.

 

[Katielees]

Thank you for your thoughts . We are thinking about the headphones / ear muffs idea . The problem is also at night when babies do cry and this is affecting the three year old who is ina different room. Then Mum has to deal with both the baby and the little girl. I appreciate that extreme noise sensitivity can be a sign of ASD and my daughter will, of course, keep a close eye on this . She also thought a trip to the GP might be a good idea in the short term .

 

[Outdated]

I thought I might just add something for you. I'm also extremely sensitive to high pitch noises. This doesn't mean it makes me uncomfortable, it hurts. It causes extreme physical pain inside my head. To me that sounds like what might be happening to the 3 year old.

Something else to watch out for - I'm also strongly affected by aggressive voices. As a child my parents were unable to ever tell my sister off or I would have a meltdown.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

The problem is also at night when babies do cry and this is affecting the three year old who is ina different room.

A running box fan in or near the 3yo's room might disrupt the baby's cry if she is okay with the white noise.
You would want to use a real fan, not just a white noise generator.

 

[Katielees]

I thought I might just add something for you. I'm also extremely sensitive to high pitch noises. This doesn't mean it makes me uncomfortable, it hurts. It causes extreme physical pain inside my head. To me that sounds like what might be happening to the 3 year old.

Something else to watch out for - I'm also strongly affected by aggressive voices. As a child my parents were unable to ever tell my sister off or I would have a meltdown.

It is almost what this seems like . But what can my daughter do about it ?? Is there anything that helps you with the pain of the noises ? We have tried the headphones but she won’t tolerate them at the moment

 

[Katielees]

Hello & welcome.

A running box fan in or near the 3yo's room might disrupt the baby's cry if she is okay with the white noise.
You would want to use a real fan, not just a white noise generator.

Thank you but neither child will tolerate a fan in or just outside the room unfortunately.

 

[Outdated]

But what can my daughter do about it ?

I'm not really sure if there's anything that can be done about it. Passive earplugs don't really work and my experience with noise cancelling earbuds is that they keep letting the noise in and stopping it again in very irritating bursts. I can't imagine any kid tolerating earplugs for very long either.

Fortunately babies grow pretty quickly and the crying won't last forever. I think the only thing your daughter can do is try to be understanding. This is something the 3 year old will have to learn to live with her whole life, older electric motors where the bushes have worn a bit will probably cause her problems too, electric leaf blowers and vacuum cleaners especially.

 

[Katielees]

She reacts to hairdryers ,, drying machines in public loos , Road drills etc . She is ok with the vacuum and even the dogs barking which makes me think it might be the frequency or pitch

 

[Outdated]

She reacts to hairdryers ,, drying machines in public loos , Road drills etc . She is ok with the vacuum and even the dogs barking which makes me think it might be the frequency or pitch

Yes, it's very high pitched sounds with me. A brand new vacuum cleaner or leaf blower straight from the shop is fine, when it's a few years old and it's bearings are getting a bit worn is when the really high pitched harmonics start coming out. I can hear frequencies of sound that most of you can't, the little girl probably can too.

One of the most painful experiences of my life was being seated on a plane immediately in front of a woman with a baby. As the plane takes off the baby is incapable of releasing the pressure behind the eardrums and so it starts squealing.

There was nothing I could do about that situation and I did feel sorry for the mother and baby but I was in real pain. All I could do was sit there pale and shaking with tears streaming down my face. The lady sitting next to me noticed this and told me she thought I was being very rude. I didn't even look in her direction.

 

[Rodafina]

I can't imagine any kid tolerating earplugs for very long either.

I think that inner ear headphones are not recommended for children this young anyway, so ear covering headphones or earmuffs would be the only option for the little one.

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Another thing is that besides the irritating/painful sound that the younger child is hearing, a baby crying also generally means that at least one parent’s attention will be taken away. When she goes screaming from the room or tries to run away, what happens next? What sort of consolation is offered?

It sounds like you are doing everything possible to soothe her, but just wondering what it looks like for the three year old once the baby has started crying. And I’m not suggesting anyone is negligent here, just curious what the specifics are. I feel for this family having three children to manage with such unique needs and at different stages in their lives.

 

[Rodafina]

Another thought… as this is such a stressful situation for the three-year-old, it would be important for her to have ways to express herself. Even though she is young and even though she may be on the spectrum, finding a way for expression could be important. Sometimes talking about the baby crying while drawing or asking her to draw a picture of the baby crying or somehow using art for her to process her feelings could be helpful in the long run.

For those of us who are adults and encounter sensory overload on a regular basis, avoiding the stimuli cannot always be possible, but validation of and processing of the feelings that that sensory overwhelm creates is important.

For example, if I encounter sensory overwhelm during the day, like too many bright lights at stressful times or the sunshine in my eyes in addition to strong smells and chaotic noises, I can have nightmares that involve these things at night. If I didn’t find a way to vent about it, write about it, exercise it out, or somehow get that awful feeling out of my brain, it resurfaces while I am sleeping.

The things that happened in our heads concerning senses can be so overwhelming that it is important for us to try to process those feelings, and of course for a three-year-old with her limited understanding, this would be very hard. But not impossible.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Toddlers and pre k's usually have a hard time with newborns. I have seen babies who are older siblings slap newborn babies. Pets and preschoolers should have limited access to newborns.

Even elementary aged children shouldn't be left alone with newborns. They really don't understand any of what's going on.

Give it a little time. Pretty soon the younger (older) sibling will get used to it. It just takes time.

Also, is it possible that the younger of the older siblings is also on the spectrum, but undiagnosed? As an aspie, I am very sensitive to sound. So much that I often talk just above a whisper.

 

[Katielees]

I think that inner ear headphones are not recommended for children this young anyway, so ear covering headphones or earmuffs would be the only option for the little one.

---

Another thing is that besides the irritating/painful sound that the younger child is hearing, a baby crying also generally means that at least one parent’s attention will be taken away. When she goes screaming from the room or tries to run away, what happens next? What sort of consolation is offered?

It sounds like you are doing everything possible to soothe her, but just wondering what it looks like for the three year old once the baby has started crying. And I’m not suggesting anyone is negligent here, just curious what the specifics are. I feel for this family having three children to manage with such unique needs and at different stages in their lives.

We have tried various different strategies, from trying to ignore the extreme behaviour to one parent going with her out of the room / earshot if the crying ( hard in a domestic house ) , cuddles , simple explanations etc etc . She calms down but as soon as the baby makes any sort of crying sound she shakes and screams again .
At the moment there are three adults in the house ( Mum, Dad and Granny) and one of us is having to go into her room at night when she hears the baby crying to soothe her . Babies do cry at night !! This is not a quick fix, I fear

 

[Ken]

Obviously, I do not know what is going on in the younger sibling's mind or anyone's for that matter. However, I can relate to her fears.

I think I was born with a really bad case of paedophobia (chronic fear of children). I have always had an extreme fear of babies and children. I was afraid of children even when I was a child. I was (am) fearful of children just by their presence, but if they are screaming or yelling it is full on over-the-top terror.

I was often scolded and forced to socialize and play with other children. I think no one ever understood how traumatically terrifying that was. I was punished when I displayed my fears. I was also punished when I tried to hide or simply unable to play with them. Most of the time in the presents of other children I was in a state of overwhelming shutdown.

Over the years I have gained the skill of hiding my terror to an almost acceptable level, but the fear and trauma has never subsided.

Unfortunately, this fear, along with many other fears, cannot be explained or even sufficiently described. There are no words to describe it. That is because language is a human invention. Indeed, there are many different languages, however all languages are created by neurotypicals. Since neurotypicals never experience these sensitivities, no words have ever been created to describe them. And even if the words were invented, almost no one could relate since almost no one has ever experienced these feelings - nothing to relate it to.

I do feel for your daughter and hope she does not have paedophobia like me. It really makes life hard and affects how one's life evolves. I am now 71 years old and have a "good" life, it just doesn't involve children. I guess, from my perspective, children is not a requirement to having a good life. Although I'm sure life would be a lot easier without the paedophobia.