Signed off for 2 weeks

[Raggamuffin]

So I reached breaking point today. Towards the end of the day I went to the bathroom and burst into tears. On the drive home, I burst into tears again. I made numerous mistakes throughout the day and the manager ended his shift, came up to me and sighed loudly

"You can't keep making these mistakes."

With the break up, the house move, the renovation work and me doing 2 people's work loads - I guess it was only a matter of time before I cracked.

So I wrote him an email to try and soften the blow, and explain myself:

Hi Tom,

Please see attached.

I had an appointment with a GP today and we discussed how I've been doing recently. Truth be told, I've been struggling for a long time now and recently I've felt like I'm at breaking point. I know that I haven't opened up to you about it and some of this might come as a surpise.

Since Graham was signed off, I know our team began to feel the pressure. Whilst losing the Range Centre contracts helped, inheriting Wickes has made my workload feel very intense. I know I offered to take on the contract, and I also know that during the redundancy meeting with Gareth, he said the team was doing well enough with 3 people, that it made it hard to justify having a 4th person. I think me and Carolyn are truly relieved to know the company is considering hiring a 4th person.

I know you've offered numerous times to help us when we're struggling or falling behind. I've never been good at asking for help in life, and I tend to keep going until I eventually buckle under the pressure. The mistakes don't help either - I know they're frustrating and make our team, and the company look bad.

The problems with rushing, making silly mistakes, issues proritising and organising myself have been echoed in every job, and go all the way back to school. Whilst I know that I'm capable of the job, I know that when we do the same tasks day in day out - I'm more prone to making mistakes.

As we had discussed in a previous meeting, I'm on a waiting list for an Autism and an ADHD diagnosis. In truth, I'm worried about my job security because of how I am as a person. I know you've been very accomodating and supportive of me, and yet, knowing I've been this way since a child makes it feel challenging.

With the recent break up with Kristy, all the recent changes and everything I've had to get done at home in recent weeks - I find my focus is even more fragmented than normal. Depression and anxiety have been on the rise, and with the mistakes mounting and the possibility of it leading to a verbal or written warning, I feel like I'm stuck in a vicious circle of stress leading to more mistakes which leads to more stress.

I feel guilty for being signed off for stress - and I didn't take the decision lightly. Over the years with my mental health issues, I've always tried to grit my teeth and bear it. But today, I burst into tears at work (in the bathroom) and again on the drive home. My stress has been so bad recently that I'm back to daily aches, pains and symptoms such as chronic dizziness, headaches, muscular aches and stomach aches.

I know you've been very understanding, and I also haven't been anywhere near as open as I should have been. I think the longer I went without asking for help, the more awkward it became to ever say how much of a struggle things have become.

It's frustrating waiting for a diagnosis, and I don't even know what it would accomplish if I had one. Reading books about ADHD and Autism has given me a lot of closure, but it's also left me rather overwhelmed at the realisation that these are lifelong conditions, and that at best I can learn coping strategies to help manage symptoms and behavioural issues.
Sorry, this is turning out to be a mini novel here. I know you said you knew someone with ADHD, and the preliminary test I did with the Dr I scored full marks, which makes me almost certain it's what I have. Here's a list of behaviours, which I think you would agree is how I tend to think, act and behave:

• Often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, at work, etc.
• Often has trouble holding attention on tasks or activities (e.g., easily distracted).
• Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.
• Often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish schoolwork, chores, or duties in the workplace (e.g., loses focus, side-tracked).
• Often has trouble organizing tasks and activities.
• Often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to do tasks that require mental effort over a long period of time.
• Often loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. school materials, wallet, mobile phone).
• Is often forgetful in daily activities.
• Often distracted by stimuli

Again, I'm sorry that it's come to me taking time off work. I feel really guilty for leaving you and Carolyn in it. I'm just at a point now where my mind and body is utterly exhausted with everything at work and at home etc.

I know it signs me off for 2 weeks, but I'd want to come back on Monday 24th.



So there we have it. The guilt is heavy, but at the same time I hope me taking time off due to stress makes the company realise they need more people.

Ed

 

[Kevin1968]

Take care of yourself, there are always other jobs.

I would also suggest that you write a list of all your positive attributes both personal and professional.

You aren't the only person to have felt that way.

Not sure if it's helpful, but something I heard lately was to concentrate on the NOW. You can't do anything about the past and the future hasn't happened yet.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Love you man

 

[ForestGumpett]

Hi Ed!

Wow, you have had a terrible time lately. I’m so sorry, it does seem when it rains it pours huh?!

I have no great advice, other than something silly like this is life or if we don’t have bad days then we won’t know the good one’s but right now that advice sucks lol.

Best I have is...go take a walk! I‘m serious, or go to the gym. Do something physical that will first, get some of that raw nerve energy out and second, it will help you sleep. Rest and sleep, as hard as it may be will both be the RX that really will help you, that and some good comfort food!

You already know you are going through some major changes and just one would send most of us over the top (know it would me) so please...take good care of yourself and cut yourself a lot of slack.

Sounds too like maybe another job in the future that isn’t stressful. Life is way to short to be stressed out, stress causes cancer many believe...I don’t have proof but wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t contribute.

Your gonna be okay, (((Hug))) seriously though, get some physical exercise and a bowl of ice cream - watch an old black and white mystery movie and chill.

 

[Aspychata]

Think l would have just said l am going thru a major breakup and losing someone essential at work has just created severe stress for me. Are we hiring someone soon?

But our story is usually everything plus the back story plus the kitchen sink too.

Anyhoo, you need to do you, what can you do now to feel better? Go for a back or foot massage? Go swimming, go on a one day vacation?

 

[Major Tom]

Taking care of yourself is top priority, you are going through a lot right now. Get some rest and some staffing in and clear your head. Maybe go camping and spend some time in nature. Self-reflect.

I'd also caution against telling anyone about anything that could be considered a character flaw. Especially if it's an employer in the future. I know discrimination is illegal, but it still most certainly happens.

 

[GadAbout]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I agree with Major Tom's suggestion to spend some time in nature. Also stretch your legs and unwind some of the tension you no doubt are carrying in your body.

By the way, if you indeed have ADHD, a lot of people get substantial improvement on meds. Hopefully that might make you more optimistic to remember.

 

[Progster]

Did you send it already? If not, I would trim it and put less focus on negative traits - say what @Aspychata suggests - and try to assure him that once the new person is hired and you are back from your break, things will improve. Otherwise, he could (unofficially) use this as a reason to find someone to replace you.

 

[Raggamuffin]

The email was sent before I made this post. Whilst it might be TMI - that list is from the DSM-5 categories of inattention type ADHD. I know it doesn't portray me in the best light. At the same time, I intend to leave this job as soon as the house is sold and I'm back at my parents. So I only need to carry on working there for another 3-5 months hopefully.

I did it because I need more understanding. I cannot take his daily emails with pointing out my flaws and my mistakes. It's nonstop and it often feels quite threatning. I've had it in every single job and this is the only place I've worked where I've opened up about what might be causing it.

I know there could be a downside to this, and some stigma attached. I just felt that this needed to be said. Whilst it's not as strong a defence as having an official diagnosis - it felt like the best I could do for the time being.

At the end of the day, in various reviews, he has said many positives about me - how fast I work, how much I answer the phone (more than anyone else on the team), how little time I take off sick, how much (unpaid) overtime I put in and how my attitude towards the job has been very positive - I do more work than anyone else, and never complain to him whilst doing so. Never complain - therein lies the problem, I bottled things up for so long that I finally succumb to being overworked and facing daily criticism.

All of the above shows I'm a capable person. But this job, and every previous job has had a profoundly negative effect on my mental health. At this moment I'm at breaking point. I guess no email about taking 2 weeks off for stress will have many positive things to share.

We'll just have to see what comes of it. I know they can't sack me outright for my mistakes - it'd take multiple warnings, and long before that happened, I'd have left and found another job.

When I had my initial ADHD assessment with the GP, she advised that they try to avoid medicating adults as the medications can often cause issues with vital organs with long term use. At the end of the day, I'm used to being told off for being me. For the way I think, the way I act. I shouldn't have to be used to being criticised for the way I naturally think and act. Me trying to adapt led to me masking - which is also time consuming and exhausting to maintain.

In my last job I had some very close friends and I finally dropped a lot of the mask around them - I was me. That energy drew a lot of unwanted attention from others. It started with complaints and meetings with my supervisor, and then HR, finally the director got involved. Imagine being sat down in multiple meetings with a multi-millionaire owner of a company, who criticises your personality and calls you "a constant distraction to others". Shortly after, I left the company. I feel like any other job I find will just be more of the same - replacing once set of stressors with another.

With the break up, the house going on the market, the excessive workload, the mental health issues etc - I guess it was only a matter of time before I cracked.

I can only hope that when they have to deal with all my workload for 2 weeks - they realise how excessive it is. I've ran reports in the past showing how many jobs, purchase orders and invoices I raise - it's 3 times higher than Tom's and twice as high as my other team mate Carolyn. It's not fair - and me needing time off for stress proves that.

Thanks all for taking the time to read my email and offer advice.

Ed

 

[Skittlebisquit]

This breakdown as you call it is actally a sign of a healthy mind body spirit connection. So at that point call it cusp or cruxis in extremis, or whatever suits your fancy, thats where a man can fracture, you didnt
That you are able to cry. Thats a good thing, its a pressure relief valve. It means you are still both high functioning and still sane. Crazy ppl get broken inside and there is a disconnect between feelings, situations, and consequences.

Im glad you are still ok. Proly tmi on the letter, but thats like the after party analysis, try and let it go. Its ok. Sometimes jobs are like stepping stones. The important thing to do, fairly soon is get a reference in writing from a co worker who likes you., and hopefully a person to put down on an application that will speak well of you.
Good job on being an awesome human being!

 

[Lemon Zing]

Muffin, I hope you feel better soon.