Silent Snow, Secret Snow

[Tired]

I was sent this short 17 minute film by an autistic man. It's a film from 1966, and while it's tagged "schizophrenia," he says that it is actually about autism, because at that time autism was often misdiagnosed, and he says that when he saw the film, he saw himself in this kid, and he saw his autism in this snow.
As a NT I do not understand his way of seeing autism in this movie. I see a boy who slowly starts getting worse and worse hallucinations. I would like to know what others see in the film, and can you connect with it as he did.

https://archive.org/details/silent_snow_secret_snow

 

[Jumpinbare]

I can't get it to play on my phone. Will try on laptop later

 

[Nervous Rex]

I think this film is a great portrayal of a few different autistic traits. Here is my take on those traits. Please keep in mind that this is my interpretation only and the more I generalize, the more likely I am to be wrong.

Special interests
The boy becomes obsessed with the snow and enjoys retreating from reality just to think about the snow. Special interests can often be a "safe place" for autistic people - a place to go when the real world is uncomfortable or hostile.

Reliance on Routine
The boy starts out noticing the mailman's footsteps, then relying in them. When the footsteps aren't heard at the usual volume or at the usual time, he must find an explanation. A pattern of occurrence or routine can be comforting to autistic people - an anchor of sorts to help them know that, regardless of whatever else happens, this thing is sure.

Difficulty Articulating Internal Thoughts
When asked what is wrong, the boy takes a long time to formulate and answer and just say he's "thinking". The adults then press relentlessly to know what he's thinking about and he says, "The snow". They can't understand and become more adversarial. This one really hit home for me, because I do take a long time to articulate my thoughts and feelings. This one also speaks a lot to NTs often being completely bewildered by any thoughts or actions they don't perceive as "normal". The adults in this video are behaving completely reasonably from their viewpoint, but from the boy's viewpoint he is being verbally assaulted and he doesn't understand why.

Fear of Doing Anything "Wrong"
This video is a perfect illustration of why autistic people "mask". Like the boy in this video, I didn't understand why being different was getting me questioned, reprimanded, laughed at, and ostracized, I could only come to the conclusion that I had done something "wrong." I didn't know what I did wrong, so I became hypervigilant of how I acted around others.

 

[Angular Chap]

I can connect to quite a bit of it. The things that stuck out to me were the special interest (the snow) the familiar routine (the postman) and the general lack of understanding and acceptance which leads to people becoming adversarial.

I looked up the written version of the story and read it. It was the masking that really stood out to me above all else:

Silent Snow, Secret Snow at FullReads

"All one could do was to laugh embarrassedly, pretend to be a little ashamed, apologize, and take a sudden and somewhat disingenuous interest in what was being done or said."

"It was as if he were trying to lead a double life. On the one hand he had to be David Jones, and keep up the appearance of being that person-dress, wash, and answer intelligently when spoken to"

"But how then, between the two worlds, of which he was thus constantly aware, was he to keep a balance? One must get up, one must go to breakfast, one must talk with Mother, go to school, do one’s lessons- and, in all this, try not to appear to much a fool. But if all the while one was also trying to extract the full deliciousness of another and quite separate existence, one which could not easily (if at all) be spoken of-how was one to manage? How was one to explain? Would it be safe to explain? Would it be absurd? Would it merely mean that he would get into some obscure kind of trouble?"

"And at school, how extraordinarily hard to conduct with success simultaneously the public life and the life that was secret."

"Yes: it must be kept secret. That, more and more, became clear. At whatever cost to himself, whatever pain to others-"

"It was desireable of course to be kind to Mother and Father, especially as they seemed to be worried, but it was also desirable to be resolute. If they should decide-as appeared likely-to consult the doctor, Doctor Roberts, and have David inspected, his heart listened to through a kind of dictaphone, his lungs, his stomach-well, that was all right. He would go through with it. He would give them answer for question, too-perhaps such answers as they hadn’t expected? No. That would never do. For the secret world must, at all costs, be preserved."

 

[FayetheAspie]

Hallucinations of nonexistent snowstorms don't seem particularly relatable.

 

[Rodafina]

Some of it does seem like an attempt to portray the onset of schizophrenia in a boy on the verge of adolescence, particularly the voices whispering directly to him near the end (auditory hallucinations).

From an autistic lens, however, I can see a secret and imaginative world developed to cope with confusion and distrust of a place that feels unnatural and unwelcoming (reality).

One comforting thing (perhaps snow) can become the epicenter around which an elaborate private world arises. As time goes on, the private world can become a place full of intrigue and wonder - the secret world in our minds becomes richer and more detailed. It can be a safe place to figure out problems and wrestle with uncomfortable feelings, too.

It can be disruptive to have others interfering in that world. Our secret world may need protection from those who are trying to help, but in doing so would dismantle the entire thing and take away our sanctuary. Sometimes, it seems like a better idea to immerse yourself in that world and never return rather than risk its obliteration.

 

[grommet]

I was sent this short 17 minute film by an autistic man. It's a film from 1966, and while it's tagged "schizophrenia," he says that it is actually about autism, because at that time autism was often misdiagnosed, and he says that when he saw the film, he saw himself in this kid, and he saw his autism in this snow.
As a NT I do not understand his way of seeing autism in this movie. I see a boy who slowly starts getting worse and worse hallucinations. I would like to know what others see in the film, and can you connect with it as he did.

Silent Snow, Secret Snow : Gene Kearney : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

ChatGPT helped me find out the boy was named Simon Gerard. 1951-2006, died age 55. From what I learned and how he appeared in the film I believe he was autistic. I recognized the intensity in his face and I think he was sad.

I will include a quote: Simon Gerard was an actor best known for his role as Paul in the 1966 short film “Silent Snow, Secret Snow.” Beyond this performance, there is limited publicly available information about his life and career. His mother, Alice Gerard, shared insights into his personal life, describing him as a highly intelligent individual who faced challenges, including struggles with depression and substance use. She noted that he was deeply interested in books and music, and despite not completing high school, he had read extensively, including the entire Encyclopedia Britannica. Tragically, Simon Gerard passed away at the age of 55

I think this means he was autistic.

 

[Tired]

Thank you all for your thoughts, it was very interesting to read!

I read also about the author of the story which was made in this film, he started as a poet, and this story was influenced in a way by his life - "Conrad Potter Aiken was born in Savannah, Georgia, on August 5, 1889. When he was a small boy, his father killed his mother and committed suicide himself, a tragedy that had a profound impact on Aiken’s development."

 

[Nervous Rex]

One comforting thing (perhaps snow) can become the epicenter around which an elaborate private world arises. As time goes on, the private world can become a place full of intrigue and wonder - the secret world in our minds becomes richer and more detailed. It can be a safe place to figure out problems and wrestle with uncomfortable feelings, too.

It can be disruptive to have others interfering in that world. Our secret world may need protection from those who are trying to help, but in doing so would dismantle the entire thing and take away our sanctuary. Sometimes, it seems like a better idea to immerse yourself in that world and never return rather than risk its obliteration.

For some reason, that read like poetry to me. I think it was very well written.

 

[Ken]

I can connect to quite a bit of it. The things that stuck out to me were the special interest (the snow) the familiar routine (the postman) and the general lack of understanding and acceptance which leads to people becoming adversarial.

I looked up the written version of the story and read it. It was the masking that really stood out to me above all else:

Silent Snow, Secret Snow at FullReads

"All one could do was to laugh embarrassedly, pretend to be a little ashamed, apologize, and take a sudden and somewhat disingenuous interest in what was being done or said."

"It was as if he were trying to lead a double life. On the one hand he had to be David Jones, and keep up the appearance of being that person-dress, wash, and answer intelligently when spoken to"

"But how then, between the two worlds, of which he was thus constantly aware, was he to keep a balance? One must get up, one must go to breakfast, one must talk with Mother, go to school, do one’s lessons- and, in all this, try not to appear to much a fool. But if all the while one was also trying to extract the full deliciousness of another and quite separate existence, one which could not easily (if at all) be spoken of-how was one to manage? How was one to explain? Would it be safe to explain? Would it be absurd? Would it merely mean that he would get into some obscure kind of trouble?"

"And at school, how extraordinarily hard to conduct with success simultaneously the public life and the life that was secret."

"Yes: it must be kept secret. That, more and more, became clear. At whatever cost to himself, whatever pain to others-"

"It was desireable of course to be kind to Mother and Father, especially as they seemed to be worried, but it was also desirable to be resolute. If they should decide-as appeared likely-to consult the doctor, Doctor Roberts, and have David inspected, his heart listened to through a kind of dictaphone, his lungs, his stomach-well, that was all right. He would go through with it. He would give them answer for question, too-perhaps such answers as they hadn’t expected? No. That would never do. For the secret world must, at all costs, be preserved."

Thank you for the text link!
I watched the movie several times trying to understand the narrator, but to no avail. That is actually one of my difficulties. I can't make sense of any spoken words that are "mixed" with other sounds. For example, I can never follow lyrics to any music. In the movie, the narrator was speaking over music. A killer for me. So the text link is extremely helpful.

I can relate to almost everything in the movie, except for being able to answer the teacher's question. I was almost always too overwhelmed with social anxiety to answer. I never knew it but I suffered from acute selective mutism. I was almost always punished for it, which just made it worse.

I have always sufferd from distractions. Like someone waving their hand or scratching the back of their head. I have come to realize that nothing is "in the background" making everything a jumbled mix. If I am left alone I can concentrate and learn anything. But unfortunately that is not an option in a school class.

I also relate to the hallucinations, although I wouldn't call it that. I was almost always "day dreaming" of things in the environment or different environments and was often lost in that world. I have spent much of my life in those imaginary worlds. Still do.

I most certainly relate to being unable to tell how he feels. This has been a major frustration throughout my life. I finally found the answer in a book titled, "An Immense World" by Ed Yong. The reason is Umwelt. Unwelt is the term for an organisms perceptions which are dependent on the organisms senses and neural network. No organism is capable of sensing or understanding anything that is not supported by their senses and neural network. It's a physical thing. It turns out that "how he feels" or how I feel is not translatable because language is an abstract construct invented by NT's. There is no language to describe how I feel because NT's never feel that. My nerual networks are too different. Attempting to answer, "how do I feel" is always dismissed or punished because it seems fake because NT's could never experience it.

While that has been a lifelong mysery for me it has acutally had some benefits. In my job, my boss said that my work was very innovative. It propelled me to the position of senior design engineer even without a degree. However, I could never explain myself leading to many frequent conflicts. I always had to prove my designs by building prototypes, as all the other engineers said my proposals were gibberish and could not possibly work. This was also true the other way. Much of their communications were gibberish for me. It's amazing that I actually got through all that, but most of my life was like Paul in the movie.