Sleep deprivation stirring me up inside.

[Metalhead]

Past resentments are coming back, and I am assuming it is because I am not getting proper rest due to the nonstop fireworks going on outside the last couple of days.

I also resent that all of my local friends were too busy to spend any time with me today.

I am starting to get thoughts in my head again along these lines - my child molester aunt deserves the death penalty for all of her evil crimes against humanity.

 

[Luca]

I'm sorry if you have posted this somewhere and I missed it, but are you officially diagnosed with PTSD or CPTSD?
This sounds a lot like what I was going through around the time I was evaluated for PTSD (the diagnosis was later changed to CPTSD.)

I do still struggle a lot sometimes, and I always like to remind people that progress is not a straight line. But there is help available for people with trauma issues and it can and will get better.
I understand how you feel though, at my lowest points I have contemplated assisted suicide/euthanasia. I am not at that point anymore, thankfully.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

 

[Aspychata]

We definitely have days we stumble back. I notice l can think about people, and trigger myself but the backward slide is so painful like a nightmare, but as a daymare. So l just shut my thinking down, like how you shut off a nightmare if you can. So somehow you may have been reminded of your aunt, and triggered yourself?

 

[Metalhead]

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD.

I do, however, have tons of flat out rage against my family that sometimes I can let go of, and other times it comes back like a sledgehammer when other factors have me annoyed like these fireworks.

 

[Luca]

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD.

I do, however, have tons of flat out rage against my family that sometimes I can let go of, and other times it comes back like a sledgehammer when other factors have me annoyed like these fireworks.

Even if it's not PTSD, that definitely sounds like a trauma response/trigger. I get them too and they suck.
I wish I could make your family vanish. I'm sorry you have suffered so much because of them.

 

[Aspychata]

That anger, I think l went thru anger for two years after my divorce. But your accumulation of anger goes back to childhood, so it's anger, shame, frustration, betrayal, there is so much emotion that you must feel about that wicked piece of crap slime aunt. It's got to be a serious endeavor to let go of all that. But on the other hand, you do free yourself by letting go of it. Because you take away her power. This is only said in kindness, not to trivialize your feelings or downplay her hideous being.

 

[Ella Spell]

It sounds like you're having emotional flashbacks from childhood, perhaps a time when you couldn't sleep, or when you felt resentment and anger toward people / your aunt, which was similar to how you feel about the yahoos with those fireworks now. You could be experiencing other subconscious or forgotten memories of helplessness which mirror the way you feel now.

Helplessness is a common trigger for people with Complex Trauma, and it can cause emotional flashbacks even when the events are seemingly dissimilar. The core feature of CPTSD is that the person is trapped in a situation from which they can't escape, and it continues over a lengthy period of time rather than being one acute event. If your aunt was the way you describe it's possible you did develop CPTSD.

Complex Trauma isn't listed in the DSM-5 but most trauma professionals can differentiate it from Acute PTSD based on your behavioural response. Then they'll give an informal dx of CPTSD.

I'm speaking in generalities but Acute PTSD is usually more fear and avoidance based, with visual flashbacks or reenactments of specific events. CPTSD is more insidious and tends to create those emotional flashbacks rather than visual, although visual can still occur. People with CPTSD often struggle with guilt ("I did something bad") and shame ("I am bad") because of damage to their self-concept and free agency over a long period of time. Helplessness is a very common trigger in CPTSD.

Sorry for the long ramble and I hope that's not off-base. I just want you to know that trauma triggers can occur in events that don't seem related at all. When that happens it's often because the person is experiencing the same emotion and their body remembers that sensation.

Big hugs. I hope the fireworks end soon.

 

[Metalhead]

I think I will feel better once I get home from work today and crawl into my bed and take a long nap.

 

[Athyrium]

I hope you feel better after your nap!

The fireworks have really been getting to me too, it really puts me on edge. I wish so many past memories could just stayed buried.

 

[Metalhead]

I hope you feel better after your nap!

The fireworks have really been getting to me too, it really puts me on edge. I wish so many past memories could just stayed buried.

Thanks, I felt normal again after I took a nap.

 

[Fino]

Sleep deprivation definitely harms every aspect of your life. There are many sleep aids available but here are a few that come to mind:

B-complex
Melatonin
Anti-histamines (short-term)
Tryptophan
Glycine
Taurine
Inositol
Valerian Root
Lemon Balm
Temporary use of prescription sleep medications if it's very serious

 

[Ella Spell]

Also NAC

 

[Metalhead]

Sleep deprivation definitely harms every aspect of your life. There are many sleep aids available but here are a few that come to mind:

B-complex
Melatonin
Anti-histamines (short-term)
Tryptophan
Glycine
Taurine
Inositol
Valerian Root
Lemon Balm
Temporary use of prescription sleep medications if it's very serious

The real sleep aid I needed last night was a massive rainfall to spoil the night of those who wanted to light firecrackers until 3:30am.

 

[Fino]

The real sleep aid I needed last night was a massive rainfall to spoil the night of those who wanted to light firecrackers until 3:30am.

Or:

Soundproofing material
Headphones
White noise

 

[Gift2humanity]

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD.

I do, however, have tons of flat out rage against my family that sometimes I can let go of, and other times it comes back like a sledgehammer when other factors have me annoyed like these fireworks.

I read your first post and I feel the same. I wish had stuck up for myself, I wish I had got help when I was suicidal at 18 and left home, I wish this and that, it feels horrible.
I am trying to get a second opinion on a CPTSD diagnosis as I want treatment for it, as my first psychiatrist thought I had it, but my current psychiatrist doesn't.