Small chat

[anonX]

Reading posts here, I get the feeling that autistic people do write and think like any other NT, many times I find the posts much more interesting and literate than normal. So why do autistic struggle with small chat, if they very well can write explanatory about their daily life?

My question is, I can small chat. With my family, I'm always involved in the table talk, I have something to add and contribute. I would like to go much deeper and sound more interesting, but this is where it stops. At least I'm not totally out of the conversation. And it's much easier with family or a close friend, because they will give you feedback. I'm not sure if I would be able to small chat with a total stranger with a different world view about anything, it would sound weird from my side.

What makes me puzzled is that one of the people at the table, later, could continue some part of the conversation with someone else, over the phone or when they meet them. And they would go much deeper and create an interesting story of what it is they are talking about. I can't, was I masking at that moment, was I just doing a copy behaviour and adding some things coming out of my brain, I'm not sure why I even said those things, not sure if I put anyone in trouble whom I talked about etc. If you understand, this makes me feel limited, anti-intellectual and different.

So there are two things:

1. Being able to do a form of small chat. Quite limited, and not always able, depends on the social circle. Besides not often me that chose the subject what to talk about.
2. Not being able to keep things of the conversation in the air, to later be able to share that with someone else

Is this an autistic trait that others struggle with?

 

[Slime_Punk]

For me, yes and no.

Small talk is like watching paint dry for me, so when people start up with really mundane conversation I have a hard time even paying attention at all. For me, I've got social anxiety mixed in though, so if I'm talking with strangers I can just randomly go mute if the masking starts getting too difficult - the only exception here is that if the conversation is really riveting (read as: in my 'special interest' wheelhouse), my anxiety can almost go away entirely because of the hyperfocus / attention to detail and thus, it becomes like my version of easy conversing instead.

The same goes with keeping the conversation afloat; I have a lot to talk about when it comes to my areas of interest, but I have to be on the same wavelength with another person to really say much. Otherwise it'll just become me steamrolling them with facts, details, and infodumps that they'd rather not even know about. Usually they have to really show some interest in something I like in order for me to even begin to open up, because otherwise I'll just assume we have nothing at all in common.

For others, it might be completely different, but that's my version anyway. Hope it helped!

 

[anonX]

I have heard this before, if you have a special interest (which I don't have) you are able to talk allot about it. My nephew tough who I relate to, has special interests, he is smart, much smarter than me. But he doesn't say much. He is still a kid, tough. Just like me when I was a kid, he is interested in adults, the info coming from them. He loves listening to his grandfather because he can talk about history or anything else that interest him, but doesn't pay any attention to my dad, because my dad hasn't got anything to say to him that would draw his attention. The difference between me and him, is that I was much more talkative as a kid, while he goes straight mute and freezes. I asked him what his favourite thing in school was, and he had to think, he then said the breaks, and that was it, nothing more to add.

 

[Aspychata]

I remember freezing up when l was talking as a younger person. At that point , it was severe social anxiety on my part. Because l like you, worried about the aftermath of what l said. So l didn't go mute, but l was about one level above that. Then with experience and more confidence, I realized to loosen up when l spoke to others. Not to hyperfocus on if l was being relevant or being viewed as intelligent. I got over that , of proving myself to complete strangers. Because some people do walk around with that social anxiety so l decided not to be one of those people.

So now in my lifetime, I focus on what is not being said. People can talk about anything, but it's more fun to delve deeper, it helps with being bored in general and hating small talk. Lol

So your nephew also sounds autistic. Does this run in your family?

 

[Neonatal RRT]

The "small chat" skill is more a function of what is known as "social reciprocity",...the lack thereof is a common autistic trait. Furthermore, most of us do not process all the verbal and non-verbal communication in a face-to-face interaction,...only some of it gets through. Furthermore, yet,...many of us fail to connect with people on a deep, emotional level,...another part of the communication process. The end result is a rather abrupt, brief, and flat interaction.

It takes a rather long time for many of us to get comfortable enough with someone to have a "normal" conversation,...and even then,...we have our difficulties.

Most of us can speak on many topics with a high level of thoroughness and detail,...we can monologue for hours if you let us,...you noted how most of us write our posts on this forum. However, this is NOT face-to-face conversation where if I started monologuing to you, and not allow you to participate in the back-and-forth conversation,...you would back away. On the forum, you can simply stop reading,...no harm, no foul.

 

[Judge]

Small talk amounts to unscripted dialog. Often with complete strangers. For many of us on the spectrum, the combination of the two is arduous to say the least. For me it took a lot of "practice" just to keep it from appearing completely awkward. I still try to momentarily and superficially engage strangers, just to stay in practice.

I like to think that for many of us, when we speak it is quite a deliberate process. No more, no less. That speaking without any real purpose remains an alien process. For better or worse that it's just how our brains may be wired.

 

[Shaddock]

I always thought that I not like or do small talk, but realized that I actually do small talk, but with people I already know. small talk can be interesting or joyful for me, but only when I like the person or am interested in him/her. there are also limits. when someone is speaking 30 minutes about his new cupboard, then I´m definitely out lol.

when a conversation is too boring and the person keeps talking, it stresses me and there is a point where I can´t endure it any longer and then I have to stop the conversation, sometimes I try to switch the topic before.

when I talk with someone, who is no stranger and where I know that I can speak freely, then the conversation automatically is about everything. small talk, deep talk, different topics. and I think the balance of more banal and more important things is the best. so that the conversation is not always that "heavy", but also not too shallow.

talking with strangers is difficult, because only small talk is secure and most people anyway don´t interest me, so I find it boring to speak with most people and relatively fast leave the conversation.

so when I´m very close to someone, then even more banal things can be interesting or important for me. it´s relative.

I generally more focus on the individuals and their character/personality and behavior, than on other things.

when I find someone sympathetic, then I probably find a conversation with this person satisfying. when I don´t like someone, then I don´t want/don´t talk with this person at all, so it not matters then.

 

[Tom]

I think small chat is often just social lubrication. But it is also a way to test the waters with people. And sometimes leads to bigger/better conversations and on occasion a friendship.

 

[1ForAll]

Reading posts here, I get the feeling that autistic people do write and think like any other NT, many times I find the posts much more interesting and literate than normal. So why do autistic struggle with small chat, if they very well can write explanatory about their daily life?

My question is, I can small chat. With my family, I'm always involved in the table talk, I have something to add and contribute. I would like to go much deeper and sound more interesting, but this is where it stops. At least I'm not totally out of the conversation. And it's much easier with family or a close friend, because they will give you feedback. I'm not sure if I would be able to small chat with a total stranger with a different world view about anything, it would sound weird from my side.

What makes me puzzled is that one of the people at the table, later, could continue some part of the conversation with someone else, over the phone or when they meet them. And they would go much deeper and create an interesting story of what it is they are talking about. I can't, was I masking at that moment, was I just doing a copy behaviour and adding some things coming out of my brain, I'm not sure why I even said those things, not sure if I put anyone in trouble whom I talked about etc. If you understand, this makes me feel limited, anti-intellectual and different.

So there are two things:

1. Being able to do a form of small chat. Quite limited, and not always able, depends on the social circle. Besides not often me that chose the subject what to talk about.
2. Not being able to keep things of the conversation in the air, to later be able to share that with someone else

Is this an autistic trait that others struggle with?

Nice post. First, we cannot assume all the very social ones here through writing who are chit chatting a lot have Autism, or some may have co-morbid conditions with Autism where a different condition makes them look more expressive. Regarding the former, many here may say they have it or suspect it, but they may or may or have it as certain conditions can resemble many others or as they self-diagnosed themselves, and as they state not more than a couple of issues that may or may not be autistic. And others with diagnoses of Autism may or may not thus have correct diagnoses, too, if the medical provider could not analyze well, or assumed things they were told.

So, do not assume some here who say they have it, do, unless it was clearly obvious from having numerous core signs and symptoms and if the diagnosis was clear cut as a child or since, or confirmed by another professional. For instance, some here claim to have Autism based on a few signs and symptoms, which easily can be explained by something else, or if there are inconsistencies in their stories, or if another condition jumps out instead from how they act and what they say. But, even if Autism was present, realize how we appear in writing my differ from how we speak, as many can have more comfort writing and sharing more there.

So, in general, I think you are right in suggesting many with Autism alone cannot do chit chat well, unless it was a topic of strong hyperfocus of interest, and/or if the recipient of the communication was really close to the other to allow for more comfort in expressing more, or unless some comorbid condition, or if it was an Autistic female, for instance, who may come across as more NT communications, more naturally or to fit in. Thus, if that person claiming to be Autistic is very chit chatty, very expressive in all ways and superficial in their talk to most, instead of factual, direct, detailed, more targeted and/or more reserved, etc, I'd start to look deeper.

Then, if that person claiming Autism shows no or only at most a couple typical or core signs and symptoms of Autism to those in their life, and if they cite their Autism based on only a few sensory issues, as an example, and you add that with them showing signs and symptoms of some other condition instead, where extroversion, overly friendliness and opposing instability makes more sense, then things start to make more sense to me. I am not into general, superficial talk, chit chatting, flirting and am more into details, focused topics and analysis. I see extroverts and NTS as more the chit chatty type, using humor, flirtatious and expressing in all ways type, unless a certain condition other than ASD was involved.

 

[Alaric593]

I can chit chat if I can discern an end goal to the chit chat. Talk for the sake of it, I find little point in it. This has been one of the great aspects of working from home for me. I don't have to deal with the chatty cathies in my ear wanting to talk to hear themselves talk.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

With my wife and family I talk a lot, but not what you call small talk, usually about ideas, My wife seems to enjoy it as we go for walks every day, my mind is very active.

 

[Misery]

I personally dont do it because to me, it's spectacularly boring.

All the topics are just inane or dumb to me. Like, no, I have nothing to say about the weather and dont want to hear it, no I havent been up to anything interesting (and I dont get why anyone asks me that, nobody actually wants to hear the answer), no, I dont care about sports, no, I dont want to hear about something that was done by some family member whose names I cant even remember (which is almost all of them, it's a very large extended family and I know pretty much none of them), and holy exploding pancakes, Batman, I do NOT want to hear about politics.

I will always be polite, but I usually make it very, very clear that I just dont care much by using bland, one or two word answers. I will then leave ASAP. 99% of what most people talk about is brain-meltingly boring to me (or just incredibly stupid), so I see little point in engaging.

As for AMOUNT of conversation, well... I tell ya, what you see on here aint always how it is in person. On here I tend to just not shut up. In person though, I barely talk. The only people that get much out of me are my father and stepmother, and my one friend that lives nearby... that's about it (as they all know me well enough to know what I will and wont take an interest in). I simply have nothing to say that most would care about, so... I simply dont.

Part of why I talk a lot on here though is because everyone here is way more interesting than most. To be expected with the similarities that comes with many on here being on the spectrum, I suppose.

 

[Progster]

So why do autistic struggle with small chat, if they very well can write explanatory about their daily life?

When people write on this forum, they have time to read, process and formulate a reply to what was written. We can also choose to engage or not engage. We can choose how to engage, and what topics to discuss. In real life conversations, we don't have that luxury. It can be very difficult for some to join in conversations or to think of something to say to keep a conversation going. I don't process as fast as most people, so there is always a lag for me and I never get to say what I want to say before someone else has started speaking, then the moment is lost. This post may seem articulate, but it took me at least 30 minutes to write. In real life I'm not nearly as articulate.

Interaction with people in real life is often forced social interaction, we are put on the spot, forced to interact and that can seem like an intrusion. To make small talk, people ask me questions about myself. I'm then expected to ask questions back. This is not how I interact with people, it's not me and it makes me feel cornered, trapped. Whenever I visit certain relatives in the UK, they ask me questions and it feels like an interview - no, an interrogation. Also, I don't have anything to say on topics most people use for small talk. People connect with small talk, but I don't - perhaps with shared experiences, but not with chit chat.

With chit chat, it's not the words themselves that are important, but the little emotional messages that are being sent back and forth, to which I'm mostly oblivious. People are adept at processing many levels of information at once, but I'm mono-channel, I simply can't process all of it, I focus on the information conveyed by the words and so miss all this subtle communication - subtle gestures, micro-expressions, social cues, etc.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I guess you could say I'm lucky come from a bright family and tend to pick bright friends, We prefer ideas to sports or politics. I do not like going to the mall as, I automatically read every ones body language driving me nuts.

As I write this we are watching a u-tube lecture on anthropology.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I personally dont do it because to me, it's spectacularly boring.

All the topics are just inane or dumb to me. Like, no, I have nothing to say about the weather and dont want to hear it, no I havent been up to anything interesting (and I dont get why anyone asks me that, nobody actually wants to hear the answer), no, I dont care about sports, no, I dont want to hear about something that was done by some family member whose names I cant even remember

Nailed it! Totally agree.

 

[Alaric593]

I have nothing to say about the weather

My mother and step-father were visiting 10 years ago when my wife and I first moved in together. Neither of us watch television so we didn't have one then or now.

I was asked how we find out what the weather is going to be like for the day. I said, hold that thought. I walked out the front door, across the porch and stood in front of the open bay window and said

"Hey everyone here's Alaric with today's forecast. It's not raining out right now. But if you look across the lake there it looks like that could be rain coming over the lake in a half hour to an hour so if we go anywhere and you want an umbrella, you should probably bring it with you. Back to you Jim"

My wife and step dad thought it was funny. My mom not so much

 

[PastelPetals]

I like writing because I have time to think. When I write here I take time to think out what I say and then I go back and revise a few times before posting. My longer posts are often on their third or fourth draft when I end up posting them.
I also can answer and click off not having to deal with the back and forth. If somebody responds I repeat my process ending in a long drawn out conversation where both parties have ample time to think and "talk". That is not how life works and I often misspeak or express myself in ways people misunderstand because everything goes so fast.
I also get to choose what posts to engage with unlike actual small talk where I don't get to veto a topic if I don't find it interesting unlike being here where I just skip the topics I don't have anything to add to.
That is why I like forums it gives me choice and time. Both things I get here I won't get anywhere else.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Depends on the group. The small talk that will drive me to watch the grass grow is when people talk about celebrities.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I am pretty much terrible at chit chat; one could say I hate it and it all seems pretty boring.

However, this is such an uncomfortable position to be in, I have made an effort to figure out how to do it in the most common situations I run into (and as long as the interaction is short.)

As ridiculous as it seems to me, as an autist, to have a conversation consisting of how are you, I am fine, how are you? (and the proper answer is always fine), plus the weather, and perhaps the traffic (which is terrible where I am.) It is not a conversation, but as someone said, social lubrication. It is just saying, I'm here, you're here and we are very slightly bonding over both being here together, so we are not going to attack each other.

In a more complex situation, lots of people, lots of people I don't know, etc. then I usually just leave. I've spent too much time over my life being miserable in those situations.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I'm not known as a a garrulous person. so try and keep to myself. I have been known to be the centre of attention on occasion if the right topic comes up. In general bright likes bright if you get the right company.

When I was working, I had to interact with many suppliers. they enjoyed the discussions usually technical in nature some times a number competitors in the lab at same time had to balance the conversation Sort of enjoyed this part of the job. I wanted the best from of all of them as they are competing against each other, not with me. fortunately colour control was a special interest, and I could teach the experts how to do it better.